January 21, 2009

Dear Luhan,

My mother was a bit strange from what I remember. She required that I, at least, spend two hours a day with her. Most of time, we just kind of sat there not doing anything. We weren't really a productive type of people. We would take turns switching to whatever song we liked, we read together, made coffee or tea, go for walks, or doodle.

We both really liked to go on walks during summer evenings. It was always so beautiful. Fireflies would illuminate the woods in which we walked through. Sometimes, we would bring sketchbooks and colored pencils or a high definition cameras to try to capture the moment. We would always watch in awe and before we knew it it would be midnight.

We always had something called Doodle Nights. Doodle Nights consisted of just doodling or drawing something. As you can see, my mother was very artistic. It made me sad she never lived up to her talent. She was also very philosophical. She would share her ideas and thoughts with me. She would question how society works and how we work. She told me how sad people are and how they tend to lose in touch with reality and resort to things like alcohol or drugs. She told me to always be considerate and helpful to everyone because you might be the only one that does.

It's sad how she was one of the "sad people." She was so beautiful. She taught me to look past appearance. To focus on gestures and on their eyes. She told specifically to look at them whenever they are asked or questioned about sad things. She taught me ways to help people in need. She told me to try to show there are people to look forward to meeting. To express myself in a different way from what society "expresses."

She said, "The more honest - or"weirder"- you are, the more you will attract people who need something. Maybe need for something to live for. To know there is more out there than the mundane life they are living."

For some reason, that had become my life purpose.

After my mother died, it had seemed that I had lost a sense of being in me. I seemed to be merely a shell at the bottom of the ocean. With no desire to get out. My father had started ignoring me. I was numb, like I am now.

I attended an all boys school. At school there was this one boy getting bullied and stepped on. He was so sad looking. So small and skinny. His name was Do Kyungsoo. He was pretty adorable though. He never smiled though. When I transfer into the class I was in he was the first person I saw. He was looking down. His eyes glazed over, merely looking at me. He reminded me of myself. Alive, but not alive. Awake, but sleeping through a nightmare. It's tiring isn't it, I wanted to ask him.

During break, some boys came up to me, asking where I was from and such. Kyungsoo merely sat there looking at his desk.

 At the end of the day, and I was packing up and one boy, got up and made his way to me. "Hey, my name is Kai, what'cha doing after school?" He was handsome to say enough. His voice was smooth and he seemed to have a bit of rough side, but really he looked like a dumb puppy to me.

"Sleeping," I bluntly replied.

"Ah, how about you hang out with us," He crouched down and propped his elbows on my desk,"Hmn, what'cha think?  It'll be fun."

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to decline this time. I'm really tired."

His eyes kind of glazed over, "Alright, I guess we can play with Kyungie, right," He laughed, "I think you'll be interesting to hang out with, let me know when you aren't busy." He said while standing up and tapping on my desk, making his way gracefully to Kyungsoo.

I sighed and made my way out of the classroom, not looking back.

After two weeks of attending the dreadful battle ground, I was making my way home. As I was walking to the back of the school, I heard laughs, cheers, and low screams and crying. I paused before passing the corner and hid my body and peeked my head to see what was happening.

My widened in shock as I saw Kyungsoo being pinned to the wall as Kai was pounding him with his fist.

"S-stop! Pleaase" Kyungsoo cried out.

The boys replied with laughs and merely covering his mouth.

After a few minutes of watching I felt shameful and guilty about being a bystander. Did I loose my mother's pride?

A sudden anger trembled in me as I walked passed the corner and made my way to the desperate boy and the sick creatures.

They hadn't noticed me even as I stood behind Kai. I could see the terror in Kyungsoo's eyes. I could see his desperation and helplessness. As I stood like that for a minute or so, I suddenly saw Kyungsoo's eyes glaze with numbness. Kai was still busy beating him, having his fun.

I poked his back, gently. At first he didn't notice, so I decided to roughly grab his shoulder and push him to the ground. Silence had erupted in the once fun the had.

I walked over to where Kai had fallen and crouched down and looked into his eyes. His eyes were widened in shock.

"Hey, do you know what you doing?" I whispered to him.

He looked blankly at me. My patience was wearing thin. I had a sudden desire for a cigarette. Lucky for me I had one in my bag.

"ing answer me." I said louder.

He still looked at me with those stupid eyes. I sighed and reached for the cigarette and lighter I had my bag. I lighted it and I felt the lovely, death bringing smoke intrude my lungs. I closed my eyes and felt the numbness take over. Sighing again I opened my eyes to the still shocked eyes and sullen silence.

"Are you ING DEAF." I screamed.

His eyes seemed to travel from my cigarette to my face.

"H-hyung, I.. I, uhm, nothing?"

"You wanna know what your doing?"

He didn't reply.

Something in me snapped, I reached for his neck and strangled him, but not enough to suffocate him. I straddled and held him down as he struggled. The others made their way to me, trying to take me off of him, at some point they started kicking me.

"YOU'RE ING DESTROYING SOMEONE BEAUTIFUL. SOMEONE WITH ENOUGH WORTH AS YOURSELF. SOMEONE WHO IS AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU OR THE ONES FINDING A JOY IN ING KICKING ME. I HATE THIS."

I'll continue this with the next letter. It's getting late, I'm running out of coffee and my hands are hurting.

Talk to you later,

Xiumin

A/N: Hello~ Nice talking to you again, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. ^^

Song/Album of the day: The Gazette - Stacked Rubbish

cat