January 13, 2009

Dear Luhan,

I never took anything really seriously, to be honest. My mother's constant hypocritical nagging about how you should not to drink and especially not drive under the influence somehow went on deaf ears.

When she died of liver failure I found myself stopping in time. And when my father went about not returning home for a few weeks and treating me as if I was not even there I merely felt nothing.

I felt a sullen numbness engulf me.

It's always been that way.

I found myself being pulled in by the idea of "What kills me makes me feel alive."

It's true.

As I feel smoke intruding my lungs and food being displaced from my throat leaving me with a feeling of raw satisfaction, I can't help but feel something.

I'm not quite sure what it is though.

At the current moment I have my fingers placed on my pulse. That is a definite sign that I am alive, but I don't feel that way.

It's strange really.

I don't want the ideal setting of happiness. I want to die young. I don't want much. Maybe a small apartment. I don't really need television. Maybe internet. It's always fun seeing my favorite idols dance across strange. Why I am fond of these kpop idols, you may ask? I don't know. Maybe it pulls me in to see them living this life as something entirely different from me. I want to know them. Not like what their ideal type of like that, but I want to know how they work. How they can possibly live in this world being pressured with expectations and whatever. How can they not kills themselves? Are they interested in death as much as I am? Do their minds function similar to mine?

Oh, I went a little off topic there.

How do you function, Luhan?

You live such a picture perfect life. How can you do it?

It's almost annoying to see how put together you have it.

Talk to you later,

Xiumin.

A/N: Hello, I hope you enjoy this.

Thanks for viewing this~

Song/Album: Stromae - Racine Carée