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Review #4 | Nictaeny9

Dark Ties

My Reviewing Critiques _{(read it if you haven't)}

Title: 13 points out of 15

There is nothing wrong with your title. Dark Ties? Not bad. It portrays a dark feeling and hints about how the story will progress. I find it good.

However, something is a little off. I don't know about others. But for me, I think you should add some pronouns or adjectives to give more emphasis to the title.

So how about considering this one? Our Dark Ties?

/slap/ How unrelated!

Description & Foreword: 15 points out of 20

I don't know what to say about this. Whether it is good, bad or interesting? I can't really tell.

It couldn't be considered as bad but somehow it couldn't be considered as not bad either.

It just doesn't feel right.

So how about changing it entirely and start a new one?

Here are what I think is little bit better,

                +Description:

One is a girl with a really big lovely smile while another is nothing more than a cold hearted girl.

One is a happy bubbly girl as seen by many. Another is a mysterious and cold hearted girl as known by everyone.

They are both really different yet they are pretty much the same.

With spending almost half of their lives living with monster, both have grown to become evil and vile.

Both suffering, both lamenting, both oblivious to other's pain.

They are both lonely and they long for something they never ever have, Love.

So what happens when fate decides to step in and push them into each other lives?

Will they end up in each other's arms?

And how it will all end with...

+Foreword:

-----

I looked into their eyes which was fuming in angers.

Ach! My back ached. Everywhere of my body hurt.

I tried my best to crawled away from those monsters, from my so-called parents.

"! How dare you tried to run away?" My so-called father shouted, yanking my hair all out.

"You shouldn't have been born! !"  said my so-called mother as she slapped me harshly in the face.

And yeah, it had always been this way. I do them wrong and I get beaten.

----

I was pointing a gun toward  a man who had just denied my statements.

He looked at me with the outmost fear. His eyes grew wide. 

Silence engulfed in the room as everyone was watching my actions.

Pang! A bullet from my gun finally hit his head.

I smirked. How dare he denie me? Dying was his punishment.

And yeah, it had always been this way. Anyone gets in my ways and they die.

Heck! /slap/ What did I know?

It is just my opinions... Hope you can take it into consideration.

Flow and Plots: 19 points out of 20

Well, your fanfic flow well. The events are all in order. It is not confusing.

The plots are interesting.

There is not much to say.

Good is good. What is more to explain?

          Originality: 19 points out of 20

I can't really tell whether your fanfic is different from all those out there but since your style of writing this story is what matters to me.

Much different to those out there, you focus more on the characters'pov which gives the story more depth, more intriguing and more interesting. And this is what you do best.

Grammar & Spelling Errors: 14 points out of 15

I didn't see any mistakes or is there any?

Sorry! I was too ocuppied in reading how the plots go.

It was just beautfully written. I was too catched up in the plots.

Maybe there are really some problems but I ain't no focusing on that if it is not much to the point that it will irritates me.

Well... What do you expect? You don't think readers will go to the point of juding your grammar while reading, do you? Well...Maybe you are... but not me.

I ain't gonna be like, "oh... Jessi is back to help tiffany! Yay! Tiffany is finally saved! but waits! The author typed the wrong word here! It was supposed to be 'walked' but she wrote it as 'walk' instead!", you don't expect me to do that, do you?

Enjoyment: 10 points out of 10

Truth be told, I am not into YURI fiction nor a fiction. It is just not my type of things.

No offense intended. Maybe I was really a bit discriminating. I have never really understood why people love someone from the same . It was just somewhat unbearable to me. I have many friends who are lesbian and gay. I befriended them but I can't really understand how things work in their minds no matter how hard I try to put myself in their foot.

But everything changed after I read your story. You wrote it so soft and slow. You wrote it in a way that made someone who don't believe in this kind of love like me came to realize why and how people fall for this kind of love.

I really enjoyed your story.

Trust issues? Two personality in the same person? I am also having the same problems. Reading your fiction was like reading some chapters of my life.

Thumb up! This is your first fiction? You have the potential to be a great writer!

Total:  90 points out of 100

 Throw confetti in the air!

Congratulation! Your story is featured here!

Okay. I know I am being to generous with you over this entire point things.

But I just can't help it. I was kinda add a little bit of more points to every category so you get 90 points to be featured.