[part one: flicker and dissolve]

You look at all the princesses in the fairy tales who found their Prince Charming. We see their smiles, but what lies underneath their concrete-solid facades is a life of forbidden dreams and freedom strangled by the ring that deems them happy. 

---

The boy doesn't leave like the rest of them. For the first week, he sits in silence, his eyes are trained on Suho's but the rest of his face does little to show emotion. The next week, he has an eyebrow raised, almost tauntingly suggesting that maybe he is not just another hallucination, but he is real. By the 3rd week, when Suho finally discovers the courage to reach out, he feels the soft skin under his fingertips, and the straight faced boy with the raised eyebrows finally smiles. 

---

Because love does not solve all our problems.

---

It's been more than a month since the cute stranger who now smiles at every touch has appeared. Suho knows he is real. He doesn't flicker and dissolve like the rest of the 'people'. He is a solid human being, with emotions, not entirely manufactured by Suho's uncontrollable mind. 

---

Even though we force ourselves to believe that love is the antidote for the disease of life, it doesn't put food on the table, money in our wallets, happiness in our minds and compassion in our hands.

---

By the time Suho finally musters up the courage to greet the stranger, it's been 6 weeks. The boy sits in silence for a while before the goofy grin that is plastered over his face turns into a toothy smile. He holds out his hand, Suho lifts an eyebrow and reaches out. Suho attempts to ignore the way that the boy flinches with their hands meet, and he can't help but believe that the more contact they have, the less time they will be allowed together. For the next few days, Suho leaves the boy's hand hanging, instead resorting to resting fingertips on his bony shoulder. 

"What's your name?" Suho asks. He surprises himself, but it's the pleasant type of surprise, the type of satisfaction you feel stretch after a long time sitting down. Suho has finally made a stretch, and so far he isn't regretting it. 

"B-Baekhyun" his slight stutter throws a dash of pink over his cheeks and Suho feels a grin cracking over his usually stoic face. "What's your name?" Baekhyun repeats.

"I'm Junmyun, Kim Junmyun." 

---

The problems love doesn't solve, we need to find solutions for through our own blood and tears, our genuine effort, our pledge to try.

---

The following day, Junmyun decides that taking Baekhyun down for breakfast is not such a bad idea. As usual, when he wakes up, Baekhyun is by his side. He has moved from his original spot at the end the bed, so now when Junmyun opens his eyes he is greeted with the crossed legs of Baekhyun. When his gaze drifts upwards and meets with Baekhyun's eyes, he feels slightly self-conscious. He sits up in a hurry, madly swiping his hair into place and blowing air out of his cheeks. 

"Y-You're still here." Junmyun points out and Baekhyun slowly grins. 

"Why wouldn't I be?" 

Junmyun stops himself from saying that everyone else has left after his first conversation with them, but something about Baekhyun's expression tells him that he can hear his thoughts. 

"D-Do you want to come with me for breakfast?" Junmyun stutters a shy offering and Baekhyun simply nods as a reply.

---

However, I was too late to realise that the easy pathway I chose, no matter how smooth and free of ups and downs, was long and gruelling, lonely and depressing, never-ending. 

---

Junmyun notices something is wrong as soon as they stand from their spots. Baekhyun's hands are awkwardly hanging in the air in front of him. Junmyun tilts his head to the side and peers around Baekhyun, almost expecting someone to be there, but when Baekhyun steps forward and bumps into the bedside table, Junmyun's gaze intensifies.

He watches in silence as Baekhyun hisses, ignoring the pain as his hands reach to feel the wall beside him. He shuffles across the unfamiliar walls, grabs a fistful of the curtains and stops.

Junmyun has been watching the entire time, and Baekhyun knows. 

---

Even though halfway through I tried to turn back and walk away, you were the one who held my hand and told me you would go on this journey with me. Thinking back, I wish you would have just let me go.

---

After an hour of watching Baekhyun apologise for bumping into people, the two arrive at the small cafe down the street. Baekhyun gently sits down on the seat, almost as if waiting for someone to take the seat from underneath him. Junmyun plops down opposite him and hands Baekhyun a menu, only to pause halfway with a slight scoff and mental face palm before placing it down in front of Baekhyun. 

"What do you want to eat?" Suho questions and Baekhyun simply shrugs. His eyes are glued to the floor, but Junmyun questions what he is seeing at the moment. He wonders if Baekhyun is able to see things he isn't, as if being blind has called on some special super power like x-ray vision or the ability to shoot lasers from his eyes. It's childish, Junmyun has come to that conclusion, but he finds pleasure in the positive thoughts at cross his mind. That's been happening a lot since Baekhyun arrived.

"Do you like pancakes?" A smile grows on Baekhyun's face and Junmyun's hand shoots straight into the air, gesturing a thin, pale faced waitress over to their table.

He orders 2 servings of pancakes, but when the waitress makes nothing of a lanky boy alone at a cafe ordering a serving for two, his gaze drifts over to Baekhyun once again. 

Baekhyun feels the gaze on him, and shifts uncomfortably in his seat, but either way he smiles because he knows that would make Junmyun smile too.

---

One moment, one second, one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year. One year was what they gave us to walk this path together. 

----

A week of absence flies by before Baekhyun appears again. This time he isn't on the bed, or Junmyun’s silent room, but instead he is waiting at the cafe for Junmyun to pop by at exactly 8:25. 

The bell tinkles above Junmyun's head as he pushes the glass door open. The scent of coffee strikes him, swirls around the room in wafts of familiarity, relaxation, and definitely a newbie barista. After having seen so many faces come and go, the fact that Junmyun can come into the same cafe every morning is a blessing he never fails to count. 

He is walking to the counter when he feels an urge to look around the store, almost like how you’re urged to look at the bottom of a page of a book expecting a huge reveal to lay in its wake. Immediately his gaze lands on Baekhyun who is sitting alone in a cushioned booth in the far corner of the café. Suho half runs half speed-walks over to Baekhyun, he waves his hands frantically but receives no response. He stops midway, his hands drop straight to his side as he clears his throat and continues to shuffle through the café, everyone’s eyes are on him by now.

“You’re here again! I didn’t think I would see you again. The weather’s better today. I like summer. I want to go to the beach.” Junmyun stops himself when he notices Baekhyun’s eyes are closed and his head is slightly tilted back onto the cushion. Junmyun steals a glance at the rest of the café. They don’t seem to be paying any attention to him, so he decides it’s okay to slide over next to Baekhyun. “B-Baekhyun are you awake? It’s still early, should I wake you up? People are looking.”

Suddenly, Baekhyun’s head lolls to the side and lands square on Junmyun’s unexpectant shoulder. Junmyun yells and throws Baekhyun off of him. Baekhyun’s eyes are wide and frantic, hands clutched onto the seat, breathing irregular, heart thumping wildly in his chest.

“W-Who is it?” Baekhyun’s voice is trembling and the regret Junmyun feels is finally seeping in through the cracks. Junmyun’s face is flushed red, he rushes to a stand before spinning around and running straight out of the café.

---

No one told me I would have to let go before we reached the end. 

---

Junmyun sits in his room for the rest of the day after his encounter with Baekhyun. The voices around him seem louder, but even so, the overflowing pool of regret drowns it all out. His mind flashes back to Baekhyun’s petrified gaze, he wishes never to see that expression again. Junmyun has grown up in a world where everyone is scared of him, but now, his greatest fear is his own existence.

He clutches his head, squeezes his eyes shut. The world turns black, but the darkness that was his escape is filled with images of Baekhyun.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

---

Every time I would think about you, I would feel the back of your hand brush against mine, your laughter ringing through the eerie corridor of my existence. But when I reached out to you, you were nothing but a dream. A dream that I would be shaken awake to the morning after, screaming, shaking, sweating, scared.

---

As if Baekhyun had heard the apologies Junmyun whispered the entire night, he appears again at the foot of Junmyun’s bed the following day. Junmyun’s eyes are shut when he feels the dip of added weight on his bed. It’s silent, but he feels warmth along his entire left side and wakes up immediately.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Junmyun chants as if it’s a prayer he has rehearsed a million times over. He watches as Baekhyun sits in silence, facing forward and staring into the distance as if he is trapped in a trance.

“Just don’t push me away.” Baekhyun barely whispers. It sounds more like a sigh, but Junmyun hears every word, loud and clear over the other voices that circle around him. Before he can register the distinct lack of emotion in Baekhyun’s words, his head is bobbing up and down. He feels like a child again.

---

When I closed my eyes, I would wish for you to come back, wish for your hand to be in my hand, wish to be in your arms, wish for you to be here with me. But some wishes are better left as an imagination.

---

The next time they meet, Junmyun takes Baekhyun to the park down the road and they sit side by side on the swings. Baekhyun’s feet are planted on the ground but he is gently swinging back and forth, enjoying the stinging cold, yet strangely relaxing feel of mid-winter wind nipping at his skin. Junmyun on the other hand is having the time of his life, legs flailing and face plastered in a goofy childish smile as he stares at the sky expanding and shrinking with every swing.

“What’s it like to have a mum?” Baekhyun’s words are sudden and shocks Junmyun, almost throwing him off the swing as his hands finally feel the harsh coldness of the metal chains. Baekhyun is still staring into the distance, but Junmyun knows that if his lack of sight wasn’t in the equation, Baekhyun would be looking straight at it.

“W-What are you talking about?” Junmyun stops himself from saying anything further, but by now he is paying full attention to Baekhyun. His swinging slows down to a slight rocking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

“My mum left when I was 6, she didn’t want a son who couldn’t look into her eyes and apologise for being a failure.” Melancholy. There is nothing that quite describes Baekhyun’s tone besides utter melancholy. Junmyun stops swinging and gazes over at Baekhyun.

“My mum is never around. My favourite ride is the merry go round. Clowns scare me.” A burst of laughter follows, escapes from Junmyun’s mouth in uncontrollable, almost mocking bursts. Junmyun wishes for it to stop, but it won’t. His grip tightens on the chains of the swing.

Baekhyun is facing him.

Junmyun watches as the wistful smile on Baekhyun’s smile drops. Silence drops like a dead man on a noose, hangs in the freezing wind as Baekhyun stands and takes a step away from Junmyun. Baekhyun takes a few more steps, and by the time Junmyun realises that he is leaving, he is simply a silhouette of a slouched male in the distant fog.

It’s only a few seconds after Baekhyun’s figure leaves that Junmyun throws himself off the swing and sprints after him. His face is burning in the cold; his shoes make heavy noises against the slightly wet pavement but he keeps going. He loses sight of Baekhyun and he feels like the world around him gets louder and louder as the seconds pass.

Baekhyun, Baekhyun, Baekhyun, he chants in his head. Baekhyun, Baekhyun, Baekhyun, as if a single second without him on his mind will distract him. Baekhyun, Baekhyun-

“BAEKHYUN!” He screams, his voice is unrecognisable, cracking with a wave of shock, fear, lack of understanding, regret, and pain. 

It doesn't hit him, all four and a half tonnes of flashing lights and constant beeps, taunting, mocking, and laughing. It doesn't hit him, swerving only millimetres away from his trembling body. It doesn't hit him, but it's enough to send his mind into frenzy. Junmyun kneels on the ground, head in his hands as he rocks back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. 'Baekhyun' never leaves his lips, escaping in mindless strings from a shaken mind. 

The navy blue sedan halts diagonally over the broken white line. The clearly traumatised woman is by Junmyun's side but does nothing really to help. She stutters an 'are you alright' but when Junmyun doesn't reply she lays a hand on the now convulsing male. He screams and pushes her, scrambling back, eyes wide and frantic.

She lays on her side, arm heavily grazed and bleeding, and hair a hanging mess around her round eyes and slackened jaw. A tall man clad in suit and tie, white collar ironed to the point, hair slicked back and angular features, is by her side.

Junmyun looks up at his eyes, registers the disgust written on his face, and just finds enough time to look away before the urge to stand up and jump into the oncoming stream of traffic overwhelms him. 

"Baekhyun, Baekhyun, Baekhyun." 

---

However, I decided that I would convince myself that I imagined you, that you were a summer vacation and I was the tourist who drowned the day before the flight home. I'll imagine that you were really the saviour to all my problems, but the skin under my fingertips was si