December 2014

The title says it all, no?

“I will never understand Santa Claus.”

Ryeowook looked up from the cookbook he’d been buried in as his husband stormed into the kitchen.

“What was that sweetie?”

“Santa,” Kyuhyun spat like some disgusting curse word. “Leeteuk’s out there in the living room telling the kids about ‘The Legend of Ole St. Nick.’ It's the same fairytale every year and I don’t get it. Why do we need to hear it over and over again? It's like some kind of brainwashing.”

Ryeowook sighed, “You’re not supposed to ‘get it,’ Kyuhyun. It’s for the kids.”

“The lies? The lies are for the kids?” He candy cane from the counter before plopping beside his husband. Ripping off the plastic, he began crunching on the peppermint stick.

Ryeowook cringed at the sound. “Don’t do that, Kyu. It’s bad for your teeth.”

Completely ignoring him, the other continued. “Did you see Soli out there? She totally buys this stuff. With all her heart even. And who’s going to have to break her heart? Not ‘fun’ Uncle Leeteuk that’s for sure. I swear, your brother’s just doing this because he hates me.”

Although very true, Ryeowook didn’t have the heart to admit that.

“Kyuhyun, it’s just for fun. They’ll grow out of it, eventually.” Ryeowook had returned to browsing through cookie recipes in search of the perfect gingerbread for the perfect gingerbread house. Not even Kyuhyun could the joy out of cookies.

“But that’s the thing,” the other argued, “it’s not just for fun. This stuff scars kids for life. You know I got into an argument the other night with an adult about the validity of Santa Claus. Like, really? This is what happens when we start brainwashing too young; you get people who can’t differentiate fantasy from reality. Is that what you want for our kids?”

Ryeowook paused. “Wait. You got into an argument with a stranger about this?”

“What? It was on the Internet.” Kyuhyun shrugged innocently.

The smaller rolled his eyes. Internet or no Internet, his husband was inexplicably touchy about the subject of Santa Claus. When Kyuhyun had first walked in on Ryeowook’s mother telling their kids the legend, it’d taken ten cookies and a threat of divorce to keep him from throwing her out into the snow. Needless to say, that was their last Christmas at Grandma’s. Unfortunately, the damage had been done. The kids woke up to mysterious presents and half-eaten cookies and nothing Kyuhyun could say would make a difference. So now, Ryeowook got to hear why Santa was a joke, how reindeers could never fly so fast, and why they should stop lying to their kids. Every. Freaking. Year. If Ryeowook didn’t know better he might have asked if Kyuhyun had experienced some sort of Santa-related childhood trauma to make him like this.

“I’m going to do it. This is the year,” Kyuhyun announced.

Having found a perfect gingerbread recipe, Ryeowook was only half-listening at this point.

“Yeah? Year for what?”

“The year Santa will not be visiting.”

Ryeowook did a double-take. “Wait, what?”

“That’s right,” Kyuhyun replied. “No more Santa. We won’t do the fake presents or cookie thing. When the kids wake up in the morning they’ll see Santa didn’t come, and then we’ll tell them the truth about Santa.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Ryeowook whipped around completely, “what’s this ‘we’ stuff? I’m not going to do that.”

“Why not?” Kyuhyun looked bewildered.

“Because it’s cruel!” Ryeowook snapped. “They’re kids Kyuhyun. They’re not going be focusing on the truth about Santa; they’ll only be focusing on the fact that he didn’t come. It’ll be like saying they were worse than naughty! So naughty Santa didn’t even care enough to visit them!”

“But he’s not-”

“They won’t care!”

The taller frowned as reconsidering his plan. “Oaky, you’re right…we’ll do it before Christmas.”

Ryeowook set down his cookbook before he could hit Kyuhyun with it. Slowly, he took a deep breath.

“Cho Kyuhyun,” he growled, “you will not break my kid’s hearts one week before Christmas.”

Sensing the sudden increase in tension, his husband changed his approach.

“I don’t want to hurt them either, but Soli’s the only one who really understands it right now. Wooyoung and Eunyoung are too young for this to matter. They’ll just grow up and move on. But if we keep on putting it off, soon they’ll all get attached to Santa Claus, and when the time comes we have to tell them the truth, we’ll have nothing but three sad little girls and a decade of lies behind us. Now is that any better?” 

Under normal circumstances, Ryeowook might have considered it. He might have given it some thought, even let his husband go through with it. But these were not normal circumstances. This was Santa and these were his kids. After six years of putting up with Kyuhyun’s endless rants, there was nothing left to consider.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because… What if Santa’s real?”

“…”

“…”

“Ryeowook, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“I’m not.”

“Oh come on!” Kyuhyun threw his hands up in the air. “Don’t you think we would have noticed if presents from no one started appearing under our tree? The fact I know where each present came from already disproves half the theory!”

 “I’m not saying he still delivers handmade presents, but he could be operating differently than in the past.”

“How? How is he operating any differently than before that he would actually be able to deliver presents to everyone who believes in him?”

“Simple.”

“Explain.”

They were now face to face, standing in the middle of the kitchen. Kyuhyun was a good six inches taller than him but Ryeowook knew to hold his ground.

“Give me a day, and I’ll give you a real life Santa.”

***

“Papa! Papa! Look!” a lively girl with wavy black hair bounced onto Kyuhyun’s unsuspecting lap. He grunted under sudden her weight. “Look Papa, I made a list for Santa.” Kyuhyun turned off the TV to look at his daughter’s list. It was fancily done on nice fax paper and pen, complete with glitter glue and wobbly handwritten letters.

A pang of guilt stung Kyuhyun in the chest. Ryeowook had made him promise to keep quiet about Santa yesterday. But how could he keep doing this? How could he keep lying? Counting on the fact that his husband had left the house some time ago, Kyuhyun slipped Soli off his lap. His daughter looke3d up at him, confused.

“Um, look sweetie…” Kyuhyun wasn’t sure how to start.

Soli cocked her head curiously. “What is it Papa? Don’t you think Santa will like my list this year? He did last year.”

He grimaced. “Well, see Soli, it’s not that– it’s just that…Santa’s not-”

“HO! HO! HO!”

Suddenly, a voice boomed throughout the house. The nearby vase practically rattled from the sound waves.

“HO! HO! HO!”

A bearded man in red rounded the corner from the front entrance hall.

“It’s Santa!” Soli squealed and hopped off the couch, racing to meet the man who was most certainly not Santa.

“What the-?” His voice died mid-sentence when Ryeowook came into view, a smug smirk on his face. Kyuhyun’s lips pressed into a thin line. He stormed over to the smaller.

“What is this?” he demanded in hushed tone. Soli of course was too busy squealing over the fake Santa to hear anything, but he was afraid if he let loose it come out as yelling.

“This,” Ryeowook said, “is our modern day Santa.”

“No it’s not! That’s-” he lowered his voice. “That is Siwon in a cheap Santa suit. What –what are you - trying to fix a lie with a more convincing lie? ”

“Relax,” Ryeowook whispered. “I just thought the new Santa story would be a lot more convincing coming from a reliable source.”

“Your annoying cousin?”

The shorter rolled his eyes. “Wooyoung! Eunyoung!” Ryeowook yelled up the stairs. “Come downstairs! Someone’s here to see you!”

Two petite little girls, each no more than five, appeared by the railing, wearing confusion on their faces only to light up with joy when they saw who their surprise guest was.

“Santa!” With lightning speed, both girls were down the stairs and on “Santa Claus” in a flash.

Ryeowook giggled at the sight. Easily the best part about having kids was having access to adorable sights like this. Though, in this case Kyuhyun’s horrified face detracted from it just a bit.

Before each girl could give thorough reading of their wish lists however, “Santa” got them all to move back to the fireplace and couch. The children gathered around him like little chickens waiting to be fed. Kyuhyun plopped down on the sofa with Ryeowook’s gripping his shoulder in a gentle warning.

“So, Soli, Wooyoung, and Eunyoung,” Siwon Santa began, “Do you know why I’m here today?”

A wave of shaking heads.

“Well, first of all it’s because you three are all very sweet and very nice girls and I just could not pass up this opportunity to see you -”

“Does he have to talk in that voice?” Kyuhyun mumbled. Ryeowook flicked him.

“- but it’s also for another reason. You see, yesterday your appa told me how your uncle was telling you the story about me. The one about my flying reindeer and how I climb down chimneys? Well, I’m here to tell you I don’t do any of that stuff anymore.”

There was a collective gasp from all three girls. “What?”

“Yes, yes. I will no longer be delivering presents this year.” He nodded solemnly as if severely regretful of this decision. “My reindeer have all escaped to Canada, Mrs. Claus left me to chase some Kpop nob named Heechul in Korea, and all my ELFs went to file lawsuits for child-labor. They never even finished the mass-production factory I was building so I could make knock-off Disney dolls and Spader-Mans.

“But don’t worry. None of this means that I won’t be helping you get presents this year. It just means I won’t be visiting you personally anymore. No, no, the Mrs. took me for all I had including the sleigh. And car which is rightfully mine but she stole the keys and drove off, so what’s a guy who doesn’t legally exist supposed to do, you know,” Santa grumbled into his fluffy white beard.

By this time just about everyone in the room was staring confused at the not-so-jolly fat man in the armchair. Everyone except Kyuhyun who was looking thoroughly amused.

Ryeowook coughed. “Ahem. Santa, do you mind…continuing with, you know, what we planned.”

“Oh yes!” His gruff, burly voice returned. “What I meant to say is, ex-Mrs. Claus will rue the day she left me for I’ve found something even better than underage ELFs and magical reindeer!”

“Is it magic?”

“Love?”

“Oil!” Santa boomed. “And there’s lots of it, all packed underneath the Arctic ice. In the decades before oil never mattered as much as it did now. But these days, with oil being used in everything – plastics, toys, cars, and lights - everyone’s desperate for a drop. I’ll be rich in no time! And do you know what I’m going to do with that money?”

“Buy SM Entertainment and try to win back Mrs. Claus?” Kyuhyun piped.

“No! I’m going to invest it right back into you. The children. By lowering gas and oil prices for all around me. Companies like Walmart will have lower prices than ever for the holiday season. Even Nike will be able to pay their shoe factory employees minimum wage. The money I shall put back into the economy will give every parent a chance to earn the money to buy more presents and when there are more presents that means a better Christmas. In fact, my investments will make this the best Christmas ever!”

His last words rang in the spacious room. Breathing heavily from excitement, Santa looked back down to gaze upon his gaping audience. At some point during that speech he had stood up, though he wasn’t sure when. Ever so slowly, Wooyoung raised her hand.

“Yes, Wooyoung?” Santa asked.

“Does this mean I’m not getting a puppy this year? Because Appa doesn’t like puppies and if you won’t buy one for me no one will.”

“Oh,” Santa frowned. This thought had never occurred to him. “Well, I suppose…I can’t get you a puppy. But you know what? With no sleigh to guide anymore, the rest of the reindeer kicked Rudolph out of their little gang again so he’s still available for a pet! Just remember, you have to house train him.”

Suddenly, a great tremor shook the house. A vase crashed to the floor, smashing Santa Claus. Ryeowook and Kyuhyun lunged to grab their daughters but not before the large window on far side of the room shattered inwards and all 150 pounds of glowing red reindeer burst through the panes and -

“That would never happen, Kyuhyun”

They were sitting in the kitchen, a newly built gingerbread house placed between them. The clock neared midnight. Ryeowook on a candy cane, an expression of skepticism on his face.

“That would never, ever happen, Kyuhyun,” he repeated. “I was with you at the beginning but this is just getting ridiculous.”

Kyuhyun scoffed at the thought. “Not as ridiculous as the reasoning you gave me. I mean, seriously? ‘There was a Santa but he’s dead now.’ How lame is that?”

“That article was based on science!”

“Whatever, I still like my explanation better,” Kyuhyun said, tilting a cup of hot cocoa to his mouth.

Ryeowook huffed. “Oh yeah, Santa’s an oil tycoon, how original.”

“It is original. You just didn’t like how I portrayed your character.”

“I am not smug. I am never smug.”

“You are so smug. You were smug when I decided not to tell the kids the truth about Santa even though your reasoning for this farce was hardly up to standards.”

“You’re just mad because it was bulletproof.”

Kyuhyun just shook his head, a small smile playing on his lips. Idly, he plucked a peppermint from the mass of candy piled atop the gingerbread roof. Ryeowook silently vowed to never make a gingerbread house again. With the kids fighting over chocolates, decorating their faces with icing, and generally being the little terrors they usually were, he’d been ready to out Santa himself. But he didn’t. And neither did Kyuhyun for which he was thankful.

“Hey, Kyukyu,” he cooed. “Can I ask you something?”

“Fire away.”

“Why do you hate Santa Claus?”

His husband froze. Gently, he set back the hard candy he’d been toying with. Kyuhyun sighed, “I don’t hate Santa. I just never believed in him.”

“Never?”

“Ever. My parents debunked him pretty fast. Before anyone else stopped believing in him, basically. I ended getting in a lot of trouble telling other kids Santa wasn’t real. Lots of kiddy fights too.”

Ryeowook paused for a moment. “Wow.”

“Yeah.” Kyuhyun shrugged. “Not a lot of great memories attached to the guy.”

“Yet you still want our kids believing in him.”

“Do I have a choice?”

“You always have a choice,” Ryeowook smiled before leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. “Thanks for choosing the right one.”

(For anyone who's following "Seventeen Hours" I just have to say I have not abandoned it, and I'm really sorry for not updating because I swear I have ten chapter fives on my computer, but they all which is why I might just scrap the whole story and start over. So sorry.)