Alone.

That’s what I’ve been feeling all these years.

Don’t get me wrong though, I have lots of friends, but you can say I’m not the most sociable person out there.

I’m an average student, but people find me very smart. I guess it’s the way I talk. I love sophisticated things.

Love.

I hate that word, so much.

That single word can ruin you, destroy you even.

Let me go back to why I feel alone. Maybe I’m just being too sentimental or being stupid, but that’s how I really feel.

During my high school days, I realized that I was different. I was attracted to my classmate, Jihoon.

It all started during our senior year and well, me and Jihoon got very, very close. And I guess that’s how things started.

From small conversations, to sleepovers.

Jihoon was a very funny person, and very attractive. I was so happy when he liked me too. We used to do a lot of things together. We would sit next to each other during lunch, talk about our problems, and we even cuddled in the classroom.

We ignored everyone, because we had our own world.

I guess you could say that this was the moment in my life when I didn’t feel alone.

But just like everything else, things end.

“Hey Baek” Baekhyun hummed. “We’re moving”

“Where?” Baekhyun sat up.

“To the states Baek” Baekhyun froze for a second, but laughed afterwards.

“Stop joking Jihoon, you’re not funny.” Baekhyun said, still awkwardly laughing. When he noticed that Jihoon was dead serious, he stopped. “Please, tell me you’re joking.”

“I wish I was Baek, I really wish I was.”

“Pyo Jihoon, if you’re joking right now, please stop.” Baekhyun said, trying his best not to cry.

“Remember when I told you that I’ll be working in America? Well, my parents decided that I should go to college there too.”

“And you agreed? That easily?”

“Baek, I don’t have much of a choice. You know my parents. I tried to talk to them, but you know how they are.”

“We’ll be graduating soon. After that, you’ll leave.” Jihoon sighed and nodded.

“I’m sorry Baek” Baekhyun started to cry now.

“You promised me that you wouldn’t leave me Jihoon. You promised that you’ll always be here.”

“I’m really sorry Baek” Jihoon cupped Baekhyun’s face and kissed him on the lips. “I love you”

After Jihoon left, things never worked out. But it’s weird, we suddenly became friends again after being idle for a long time. Jihoon would call me and update about his life, while I’ll tell stories about Chanyeol.

After that, I was afraid, very afraid to love again. Jihoon was my first love, and I guess he will always be.

The fear of being left alone never left me, so I always put up a giant wall, as a defense mechanism.

Fast forwarding to college, I actually had a girlfriend. I just found her very, very cute and well, we became a couple.

But it was weird though, we only went out twice and lasted only for 2 months.

“Taeyeon” Baekhyun started. “I’m breaking up with you.”

“Are you serious Baekhyun?” He nodded. “Why? Did you find somebody else?”

“No, because I know you’re not happy anymore. I’m not the best boyfriend, and I guess I never will be. I want you to be happy, because I know you won’t be happy if we continue this.” Baekhyun expected Taeyeon to scream, cry, even shout, but, she did the exact opposite.

“Thank you Baekhyun, thanks for being honest with me. I guess you’re right. Maybe it would be the best for the both of us.”

That’s how things ended for me and Taeyeon. It’s weird actually, we became good friends after that.

But even with all the college friends, I still felt very lonely.

At times, I feel that I was forcing myself in a certain group.

I hated myself for that. I always tend to over think things. Maybe that’s why I only have limited number of friends.

Moving on, as the years went by, I got close to Chanyeol.

That giant was the craziest person I have ever known. He’s a happy virus, a big, walking ball of sunshine.

It’s really weird.

We’ve been classmates since first year of college, but we got closer as the years progressed.

I never knew I would fall in love with you.

“Hey Baek”

“What is it Yeol?” Baekhyun asked, eyes fixed on the book.

“Let’s play video games.”

“No”

“Please?” Chanyeol pouted.

“No”

“Come on Baek!”

“I said no Chanyeol.”

“Come on! If you don’t, I’ll-“ Baekhyun closed the book and faced Chanyeol.

“You’ll what Chanyeol?” Baekhyun cocked an eyebrow. Chanyeol squinted his eyes and suddenly gave a peck on Baekhyun’s cheek.

“Now, will you play with me?” Chanyeol asked. Baekhyun was stunned, but he didn’t want to show how electrified he was.

“Fine, but we’ll study afterwards okay?”

“Yes!” Chanyeol cheered.

From that day on, Baekhyun felt very different about Chanyeol.

Chanyeol is a very sweet person, that’s why I hate him. How could he be so perfect? He’s actually very smart. He plays basketball, he plays the guitar, and he knows how to sing.

But, Chanyeol is actually taken.

Yes. It’s so cliché.

Chanyeol has a girlfriend.

Seulgi is a very smart girl. She is the brightest in the classroom. She’s also very kind, and like Chanyeol, she knows how to play the guitar.

And because fate is playing with me, in some weird way, us four, including Kyungsoo, became very close friends. 

“How about we go to the mall?” Kyungsoo suggested.

“Or maybe we could just stay here and study.” Seulgi said.

“No, I think the mall is good.” Chanyeol said. “Come on, we’ve been studying for hours now. Maybe it’s time to take a break?”

“Maybe you guys should go then.” Seulgi said, going back to her notes. Chanyeol groaned.

“Come on Seulgi.”

“I’ll stay here Chanyeol. I’m fine, really.” She said, but all of them knew Seulgi wasn’t fine.

“Fine then, come on Baek.” Chanyeol dragged Baekhyun out of the room, while Kyungsoo followed.

Seulgi sighed and went back on reading.

Chanyeol and Seulgi is the weirdest couple I have ever seen.

Chanyeol wasn’t a very vocal type of boyfriend, while Seulgi, on the other hand, was the exact opposite.

Seulgi is a very charming and sweet girl. She likes to show how much she loves Chanyeol, but Chanyeol isn’t the greasy type.

I sometimes feel sorry for Seulgi, but most of the time, I feel sorry for myself. I mean, I’m in love with my best friend, who’s dating my other best friend.

I sometimes think that Chanyeol likes me too, or maybe I’m just assuming things.

Baekhyun was cooking some ramen for him and Chanyeol. He loved this, just him and Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo finally had a boyfriend, and Jongin was a very lucky person.

Seulgi was busy helping his brother study.

So Baekhyun and Chanyeol were all alone.

As he cooked the ramen, he swayed and hummed as he listened to music. He felt exceptionally happy today.

“Hey babe” A person whispered, arms wrapped around his petite waist. Baekhyun gulped as chills went down his spine. Baekhyun just stood there, trying his best to ignore Chanyeol, who was dangerously close to him right now. And the word ‘babe’ wasn’t really helping.

“What do you want Yeol?”

“Is the ramen going to be ready soon?”

“Yes, so please, go set the table.” Chanyeol giggled and followed what Baekhyun said.

As soon as Chanyeol broke free, Baekhyun took a deep breath. His heart was still racing like crazy.

Chanyeol was driving him crazy, like always.

Am I weird if I told you that I get jealous?

I find it very weird, because I don’t own Chanyeol in the first place.

Maybe that’s why I hate myself. I get jealous over someone who I don’t even own or doesn’t even have any clue that I love him.

There are so many times where I find myself getting jealous of Seulgi. You may ask how I survive? I don’t know really, maybe I’ve gone crazy or something.

The three were on their way home from school. College was very tiring, so they use the travel time to get some sleep.

Chanyeol and Seulgi were sitting together, while Baekhyun was seating behind them.

Baekhyun tried to sleep, he closed his eyes shut, but the sight of Seulgi sleeping on Chanyeol’s shoulder  was stuck on his mind.

He was jealous and he hated that. He felt sorry for himself, because he fell in love with the wrong person.

I’m a very stubborn person, but so is Chanyeol. We would fight even with the smallest things, we fight like a couple.

Most of the time, we would make up quickly, but there was one instance that after we fought, we didn’t talk for a very long time and that was the most painful time in my life.

It’s been 3 weeks.

3 hard weeks for Baekhyun.

He couldn’t even remember why he and Chanyeol fought. But as he remembered, he guessed it was about going somewhere together but Chanyeol didn’t want too.

He easily forgot about it, because he easily forgave Chanyeol, but he couldn’t forgive himself, because he started the fight.

Chanyeol would ignore Baekhyun, literally. Even if the other was in front of him, he would still act like he didn’t see him.

And the worst part is, whenever Baekhyun tried to talk to Chanyeol, he would get ignored.

And this was the time Baekhyun missed Jihoon.

There was one time when this was happening that Baekhyun called Jihoon. He couldn’t talk to anyone about his feelings, and it was only Jihoon understood Baekhyun.

“You know, you should apologize if you feel that you started it.” Jihoon said.

“I know, but Chanyeol wouldn’t even give me the chance.”

“Say what you want to say baek, and if he still doesn’t talk to you, then there’s nothing we can do. At least he knew what you wanted to say.”

“I wish you’re here Pyo Jihoon. I really miss you.” Baekhyun said, closing his eyes as the tears streamed down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry I left you all alone Baek. Please stop crying. I hate it when you cry. It hurts me.” Baekhyun chuckled and wiped the tears away.

“Thanks for your time Jihoon.”

“Anytime Baek, just call me if you need someone to talk to.”

When the phone call ended, Baekhyun stood up and decided to go see Chanyeol.

He found Chanyeol in the library with Seulgi and Kyungsoo. Baekhyun took a deep breath and walked towards their table.

“Hey Baek” Kyungsoo said.

“Hey Baekhyn” Seulgi also greeted. Chanyeol didn’t say anything, but kept his eyes on his book.

“We’ll give you time to talk. Come on Kyung” Seulgi dragged Kyungsoo. Chanyeol was about to stand up to but Seulgi stopped him. “Stay, you two need to talk.” Seulgi eyed Chanyeol before leaving with Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol sat back down, but his eyes were fixed on the contents of the book he was reading.

Baekhyun sat in front of Chanyeol.

“Chanyeol” The other ignored him. “Well, I guess you’re still angry. But please, hear me out.”

Chanyeol kept reading his book, but there were no signs of him leaving, so Baekhyun continued.

“I’m sorry Yeol, please forgive me, I miss you. I can’t even remember why we fought.” Baekhyun whispered. “I’m really sorry Yeol, please talk to me again.” Baekhyun felt sorry for himself.

As a person, he has a very high sense of pride, but he looks so pitiful right now.

“I’m sorry Chanyeol, I didn’t mean to. You know me, I’m bipolar. I’m an attention seeker. I’m immature. But dammit Chanyeol, I miss you, I miss my best friend.” The tears just won’t stop for Baekhyun.

But even with the tears, Chanyeol didn’t move an inch, nor did he change his expression.

“Well, I already told you what I wanted to say. I never knew our friendship would end like this. Bye Chanyeol” Baekhyun said, voice softer this time. He stood up and rushed out of the library, ignoring everyone he hits, ignoring everything he sees.

He took out his phone and dialled Jihoon’s number.

“The number you have dialled is unattended.”

Baekhyun needed someone right now. How he wished Jihoon was here. Baekhyun hid at his usual spot, the university roof top.

He sat by the wall and closed his eyes. He was tired, very tired.

And just like that, he fell asleep.

---

Baekhyun slowly opened his eyes. He remembered that he fell asleep on the rooftop again. His eyes felt sore, and his back was aching because of the concrete he was lying on. He checked his watch and realized he skipped all his classes for the day. He swung his bag on his shoulder and exited the rooftop.

As he walked home, he couldn’t help but feel sad for himself. Chanyeol didn’t even say a word after he talked. For Baekhyun, it would’ve been better if Chanyeol shouted at him, got angry even, but Chanyeol didn’t say a word.

His phone suddenly rang. He took out his phone from his pocket and tapped the screen.

“Hello?”

“Why weren’t you answering your freaking phone Byun Baekhyun?”

“I’m sorry Jihoon. I fell asleep.” Baekhyun smiled, it was nice to hear Jihoon’s voice.

“So, what happened with Chanyeol?”

“I told him everything I wanted. But I guess he’s too angry.” Baekhyun said, stopping in front of his apartment door. He was looking for his keys, which he had a very hard time of doing. “He didn’t say a word Jihoon.”

“That’s harsh Baek. I guess he’s not a real friend then.” The tears were starting to well up again.

“I don’t want to say that Jihoon. I’m going to miss him though.” Baekhyun bitterly said. “Can’t you please ride a rocket and fly here? I really need someone.”

“I wish I could Baek, but you know how it is. I better go, I’ll call you again later okay? I miss you Bacon!”

“Yeah, I miss you too you pig.” With that, the phone call ended. Baekhyun finally found his keys, but instead of opening the door, he rested his forehead on the door, crying again.

The pain was becoming so unbearable that Baekhyun wanted to scream, shout it all out.

His hands were hanging lifelessly on his sides, and his feet were on the verge of giving up.

He was about to fall on the ground when a pair of strong arms held him tight.

“Jihoon?” Baekhyun asked, verifying if the person was Jihoon. 

“You replaced me that quickly Baek?”

“Ch-Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asked, stuttering.

“The one and only Baek. Who’s this Jihoon person?” Baekhyun wiped the tears and faced Chanyeol. He broke away from the hug, face glued to the floor.

“He’s my first love.”

“Oh.” The two fell silent for a while.

There was tension and awkwardness in the atmosphere, something Baekhyun hated feeling.

“Well, I’ll see you around Yeol.” Baekhyun faced his door and unlocked it. He entered his door but when he was about to close it, Chanyeol stepped inside and hugged him again.

“I’m sorry” Baekhyun’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being the worst best friend ever.”

This a big surprise for Baekhyun. He never expected to Chanyeol to do something like this. He thought their friendship was gone forever.

“Can you forgive me Bacon?” Chanyeol said. Hearing that pet name from Chanyeol made Baekhyun smile.

“I already told you right? Besides, I can never be angry at you Dobi.”

“I know Bacon. I’m really sorry though. What happened in the library-“

“Stop Yeol, you’re starting to sound like the people we make fun of from the movies we laugh at.”

“Okay fine. So, how about we have a movie marathon?” Chanyeol suggested.

“I’ll go get the popcorn.” Both of them laughed.

And just like that, things were back to normal.

So, after all that, Chanyeol still doesn’t know how I feel. And I guess he never will.

Do you know understand why I feel alone?

Do you know see my sad life?

I chose this life, and I hate myself for doing so. But, I do not regret it, because I love Chanyeol, no matter what.

I can never tell if Chanyeol is aware of my feelings, but from the looks of it, he doesn’t.

I’m stuck in a world where I get jealous even though we’re not together.

I live in a world where Chanyeol is so near, but in a way, he’s so far.

I guess I’ll always be the third person he would never notice; the hopeless romantic and the person he will never love the way I want him too.

So here it is! If you're wondering, Pyo Jihoon is P.O from Block B! So in a way, this is sort of a crossover. Lol, P.O is my bias in Block B and well, I decided to use him for the story. This was actually based from my brother's friend. So I hope you liked this whoever you are ;) Please leave your comments okay? Saranghae!

AllHailMochi