for anon. prompt here.
a/n: surely, this was not what you were thinking; but I do hope you enjoy!
+ sorry about messed up layout!

last christmas

Wu Yifan has been a good person all year. He’s a very nice person. He submits his work on time, he doesn’t slack with his files, and everything is done as neatly as possible (with the assistance of a keyboard, because he can’t handwrite that nicely). His boss was sure to have given him a promotion by the beginning of next year; it had to happen, because Yifan was the best of the employees in the office (Lu Han would merely insist that it was a self proclaimed title, and that Lu Han was the best in the entire office; but please, let’s face it. Yifan was so much better).

His suit is always pressed nicely, and his dress shirt would be pristine and white, if he wasn’t wearing the jacket. His tie would match nice occasions of the office (a dark blue tie when it’s a day with plenty of work, and a black tie for the more relaxing days. He even wore an orange tie of Halloween, just to get into the spirit of the holiday, not to mention the red tie on Valentine’s day – he’s still a little bit bitter about not getting any chocolates; he didn’t eat them, but it was nice to flaunt that he was popular). He was perfect in the company. He deserved amazingly high ranks, and should be superior to everyone that he works with.

He was more productive than Junmyeon, who did everything perfectly, and made sure that there wasn’t even a single stray ink mark on the papers that he photocopied (because that was all Junmyeon seemed to do; photocopy). He was more diligent that Minseok, who only seemed to get bothered by Lu Han into making “copies of themselves”; just not with a photocopier. He worked harder on his assigned projects, than Jongin did at trying to get Junmyeon’s attention. He made presentations that were so much more amazing than Chanyeol’s laugh. He aced at his worked to an equivalent, if not higher, value than Baekhyun aced at applying eyeliner. He was more independent at his work than Zitao, who seemed a little socially awkward. He drew his lines on his reports straighter than Sehun’s face. He focused more on his work than Jongdae focused on using the company phone to call random people. He expanded his thoughts on his work wider than the whites of Kyungsoo’s eyes. He was faster at his work than Luhan’s fingers slamming against the left click button on his mouse, when the older man was playing League of Legends on the damned company machines.

There was so much more he could say about himself, but all in all; Yifan was so much better than everyone in the office.

So, Yifan really doesn’t how how the hell he got roped into being Santa, out of all the people who were helping out for the Christmas festival. He hates it. He really does. He hates how children clamber onto his lap, all slobbery and disgusting. He hates how parents give him these looks, as if he’s going to hurt their kid or something. He hates the scruffy beard that he has to wear (it’s so itchy; he’s a cleanly shaven man, and proud of it). He hates the wig he has to wear because “Santa’s hair isn’t blonde”. God dammit, the hat covered his hair pretty damn well. He hates the seniors in the company for deciding to do this Christmas festival event. One of the old men (like Junmyeon, maybe) could have easily been Santa, but the secretary (“I hate you, Kim Jongdae”, he declared. Jongdae had only blown him a playful kiss and continued his work) seems to like his pain, so of all the people in the office, it had to be him who would be Santa.  

He especially hates his main elf.

His main elf is the worst.

He sees him every thirty seconds, because the main elf is the one that takes the kids up to him, to offer as human sacrifices (and Yifan would just sit them on his lap, slowly examining whether or not they were edible, and then let them go). Or well, no, not human sacrifices, that was just a Yifan thing to think, the children were just innocent children who wanted to take a photo with a faker of some fat man with a white beard (Yifan wasn’t even fat, or bearded! Wait, was this his company’s way of telling him to lose weight and shave? Oh, hell no; Yifan was a clean shaven man, and proud. If he were alone, he might have reached up to consciously check if he shaved that morning.). The entire process of the child walking to him and then taking a photo takes exactly thirty seconds; and then he sees his main elf, again. The other elves just are there to hand out candy canes and look pretty (“Luhan isn’t even pretty!” Yifan had yelled at Jongdae. The secretary gave him the world’s most irritating ‘I-don’t-give-a-’ face).

He's terrible because he's so abnormally cute, and Yifan doesn't do well with cute.  Yifan and cute things was like putting ice cream in chicken noodle soup. It didn't mix. Yifan was hypothetically allergic to cute things, and anything remotely adorable. But his main elf, the one that he sees every thirty seconds, is so cute, and he feels like making some sort of terribly improper regurgitation on the child in his lap. But, Wu Yifan is a proper man, and he will refrain from making any disgusting regurgitations on the innocent children.

His elf shoots him a blinding smile (dimple and all, and it’s really cute; the threat of throwing up is very real), and Yifan nearly doubles over in absolute agony. And he probably would have died, if the brunette elf didn't turn away and call to everyone about break time. His voice is so cheerful, and Yifan can sense the bile rising in his throat.

Focus, Yifan. Children will not sit in the lap of a man who smells like disgusting stomach fluids (regardless of how much said man rejected the idea of going near any grubby children who slobbered all over him), and assorted objects in the mentioned fluid; the chewed upper and half digested version of what he had eaten for lunch. That was unattractive, and Yifan did not do unattractive things.

"Santa and his elves need to go and visit the factory, to check on all of your toys which are in the making! We will be back at six, parents and children! Have a Merry Christmas!"

Of course, they're not really going to the factory to check on any toys. They just need a reason to leave for their break. They’ve had four breaks all day, and his main elf has proven himself to be very good at making up bullsh