Chapter 1

There are 24 hours a day, which makes it 86 400 seconds to pass before the pointer of the clock shifts to a new tomorrow. And a person has roughly 12 000 to 70 000 thoughts running through their mind during those 86 400 tic and tocks. Yoo Youngjae was sure, because he looked it up. He could say it was out of curiosity, but when he thought back on it, he was sure it was because he had like so many others thought of himself as different. Some people say that different meant good, because being different meant being you. But how could they tell? If every walking human on earth were they own, wouldn’t it mean they were all unique?

And if they were all different…

‘Then what is normality?’

Youngjae was a thinker, and the definition of normal was one of those things he often thought about. He looked that up too. But the result had been vague, no where enough to satisfy his need of an answer. Then after deeming the internet incapable, he started to reason on his own around its existence.

Normal was the ideal, a manmade vision of how life should or could look like. When it got too hard, when being different meant not being good enough and it hurt too much, one would wish to be normal. When the sound of slamming doors got unbearable or when too many tears fell to splatter on broken tiles… one would need an excuse for their pain.

Yes, normality was the perfect we wished for because different held every possibility to turn into a mess.

An escape or simply something to blame the miserable on.

‘I want to be happy.’

It’s easier that way.

To think what you have was not how it was supposed to be.

Youngjae couldn’t tell exactly what he was.

After all, he couldn’t remember the last time his life was in anything but a scale of grey.

It was a zone of comfort, a world in the form of a glassbox made especially for him and it was safe. He was grateful, he really was, because not everyone had the luxury to feel secure on the land they walked on, in their own skin and with every breath they took. While he could, he did and lived as a prime example of it. Grey meant safety. But grey also meant conservative and plain and sometimes Youngjae couldn’t help but think that was all his life was. It was neither unique nor was it the ideal. In truth, his years of 18 were barely pages of beautified nothing… and sometimes it struck him so harshly.

He had from an early age been told to look straight ahead, that he should put his everything in forming the future lying somewhere ahead of him. Make it bright, make it shine and most importantly, make it convenient.

Naturally, Youngjae grew up with only goal in mind, one he was determined to achieve no matter what he had to endure. He was going to enter one of those fancy schools ranking highest in South Korea and become a great doctor. Why a doctor one might ask. Was it to help people, to save lives or was it for the pride of wearing the fancy white coat? And to be completely honest…

…he forgot it too.

It might seem odd, but Youngjae would describe himself as a thinker. He had perhaps more than 70 000 thoughts a day, yet he had no one or nothing to blame when none of them could ever prove him happy.

Somewhere along the line, he started to forget the colors of the unsheltered him.

But Youngjae rarely forgot anything, and even if he did it would always come back to him short after. Something remembered was never forgotten in first place, therefore, he wasn’t one to forget. So there were times he doubted that he had forgotten…

… maybe he just never knew his ‘different’ and ‘normal’ in first place.

***

The seat by the window was his seat; he liked it, not because the chair was extra comfortable or because he was sitting behind the floral scented classmate, but because it was a larger replicated version of his own little box. The borders beyond the shield of glass of the window stretched so much farther, even up to the sky. Sometimes when Youngjae looked up he wondered if it really was blue. To him, it was a question holding great importance. Was it blue because of how he saw it or because people told him it was?

The dusty color reflecting onto his irides, was it blue or was it only grey?

He knew though, that blue days meant clear skies. And no clouds meant no rain and in turn no rain meant warmth from the high up sun.

Every step taken under the wide open mantle would feel new, like an adventure enveloped in an air of freshness. And maybe that was the reason he was kept inside.

Blue was anything but safe.

‘And nothing but exciting.’

Youngjae was a dedicated son. He worked hard. There’s wasn’t much time for anything other than work he thought. There were seven days a week and about six and a half of them he spent trying to grasp his future. Sometimes he wished for an extra day, if a week held eight days instead of seven, perhaps he would have more time to things other than sitting by his desk befriending biology and chemistry. Everything might look a little bit brighter and perhaps in different tones but then he figured he’d just spend the extra time studying anyway. So he stopped wishing, there was no point in hoping for something that wouldn’t make a difference.

Therefore, he kept on working. He worked harder than most.

And the best part in putting effort into something was to see how it finally paid off. In Youngjae’s case, it really did, and the people around him couldn’t be happier. He didn’t think of telling anyone, but when his homeroom teacher so proudly announced his pre-acceptance to Seoul National University in front of the whole class he realized that it might be one of those things that should be spread. After all, good things should spread. Eyes turned towards him and made him shift uncomfortably on his seat. Some were blazing, jealousy he guessed while some were round in disbelief as if seeing him for the first time. No one congratulated him, but it was fine. He understood… they had no reason to.

Anyone could tell that graduation was not far away. Like the sun shining warmly during summer and snow falling in winter, about four months until graduation the air would be filled with a hint of importance. Students matured, knocked themselves together in attempt to make most crucial decisions of their lives yet. What were they going to do? What path to choose? They tore at their hair in decision agony. A wrong turn might not mean the end of the world, but at the moment it surely felt close enough. Maybe that was why they envied him.

Yoo Youngjae, had it all figured out since long time back… a very, very long time back.

And not anyone had their dream told to them.

He was going into medicine, he was going to be well respected man, perhaps earn a few titles and buy a big house.  He was going to be buried in lifeless mixture of black and white. But that’s okay. He’d live and he was safe. That’s all that mattered.

***

What’s the most fascinating kind of colors?

That was something he never really thought about before. But since he was pondering on it now, obviously he had started to wonder. And it started just a couple of days back when he yet again found himself staring absentmindedly out the window. It was surprisingly easy to tune out Seonsaengnim’s rusty voice and the soft mechanical murmurs copying his every word. Youngjae’s eyes had travelled the over the yard, replaying the familiar vintage film of a wide open space and trees that would soon stand at their prime. They’d gain their eccentric shade only to soon lose it again.

It must be bittersweet, he thought, to know that you’re losing the essential part of your grace, to watch it die and fall and not be able to do anything to prevent it.

Oh well, perhaps the knowledge of a next season was enough to console them.

And that was it.

That was about how far he got when a piercing image suddenly overtook the whole reflection.

His breath hitched.

There on the cold layer of glass was a pair of unblinking eyes, large and impressive they looked right at him.

For some unknown reason, the first thought that hit him then was how their gazes were not supposed to meet.

He, Yoo Youngjae was not meant to look into those eyes.

But that may also be the reason why he couldn’t seem to tear away.

To go against the odds, that’s what everyone would like to do. Once or twice, just enough for a miracle to graze past their fickle of hope and make it burn a tad stronger into the night.

Those eyes…

He thought they were beautiful.

So when the other person in the reflection eventually turned away, Youngaje knew better than not to do the same.

The most fascinating kind of colors was the one of the eyes.

Even when his face turned to the front, trying to focus on something entirely different…

…he still found them beautiful.

***

Youngjae knew who it was. It was the boy seated two desks from him; the boy who was slightly older than the rest of then and who would sometimes looked out the same window as him.

Not many people knew who he was; Youngjae did, because he wasn’t one to forget. But he couldn’t really fault the others for not remembering.

After all, Jung Daehyun was rarely present. He had appeared out of nowhere during their second year and seemed to disappear just as sudden. He was the talk for a while, the source of giggles and loud whispers until they simply forgot. Not even the teacher bothered to call out his name during the attendance check anymore.

If he was there it was nothing and if he wasn’t it also turned to nothing. He was a name on the list, check or unchecked its significance seemed to fade as the days went by.

However, sometimes when Youngjae looked out of the window, then briefly, as a sudden thought passing by, he’d imagine their eyes gazes meeting again.

And then he’d wonder why.

‘Why, why and why’

***

As expected, he got held back by the teachers. They said he did well and that they knew he would do great things and Youngjae could only smile politely in reply.

He doubted they were happy for him, but he’d let them believe they were if that was what they wanted. Sometimes it was easier not to dwell on such small matters.

He went through his schedule and stuffed his bag with the right books before he closed his locker soundlessly. He looked down to fumble with the zip of his bag and a pair of white brand new sneakers suddenly appeared in his periphery vision.

The sound of someone clearing his throat made him lift his head and he was surprised but at the same time not to see Jung Daehyun stand before him.

The boy had one hand in his pocket and the other scratched at the back head nervously. “Ehm, Saeng told us… uh well… SKY huh. Congratulations.” He smiled faintly and awkwardly shifted his weight between his feet.

The first thing that hit Youngjae was the voice. He hadn’t expected it to be so deep, of course he’d heard it before, but it sounded so different when being directed straight at him.

“Thanks,” he murmured without staring for too long, he looked down again to zip his bag then threw it over the shoulder.

He intended to leave, but then Daehyun’s smile widened, “I guess it’s a dream come true. You must be happy.”

It was almost blinding, the row white teeth and for a moment Youngjae was struck how gleeful he looked. It couldn’t be for him, could it?

They barely knew each other…

“I am,” he said and tried to smile weakly in return. It wasn’t all that convincing but whatever.

He took a quick half bow just to say that he was leaving for home but he couldn’t take as much as two steps forward before Daehyun moved to stand in his way. He raised a brow at the other questioningly and stepped sideways to the left. Daehyun followed. With a sharp intake of breath, he gave it another try and moved to the right but it only led to his eyes narrowing when the big-eyed boy refused to make way for him.

“You sound awfully down to be happy.” Daehyun tilted his head to the side. “Why’s that?”

Despite being the truth or not, the accusation still hit him where he didn’t want it to. “That’s none of your business.”

Those eyes widened and Youngjae had to look away.

One encounter was enough. He didn’t want nor need another one that would make him question its colors.

“I’m aware of that. But I like you and I want to know more about you. So I don’t mind making it my business.”

Youngjae’s head snapped up, so quickly he thought he could have strained a muscle. “What’s this?” he asked unbelievingly. “A confession?”

“W-What... no, I mean… I was—.” Daehyun bit his lip and shyly looked up through his bangs. “I guess it is.”

***

He rounded a corner into the alley that would spare him 2 minutes in comparison to his usual route home from school. It was after that corner he finally turned around to glare at the shadow of his steps.

“Look,” he lowered his voice and narrowed his eyes menacingly at the brunette before him. “I don’t know the reason for your sudden interest in me. But I can assure you that it’s not mutual” he said before the other boy could utter a word. “Besides, I don’t even know your name. So stop following me already.”

Youngjae shoved his hands in his pockets and threw a last meaningful look at his classmate before he his heels to proceed his way home.

It didn’t take long, however, until his arm was within a warm hold. “That’s a big fat lie. You do know my name; you know everyone’s name, you just pretend you don’t. You’re not the brightest person in our class for nothing.”

“Fine.” Youngjae snapped and tried to wriggle out of the tightening grip round his arm. “So I do recall who you are, Jung Daehyun right? And so what? I just told you to leave me alone,” he snapped and freed himself after an effective forceful pull. “Gosh, get the hint will you?”

He was taken aback to say the least and suddenly he wondered if the boy two seats away from him has always been this thick-skinned and persistent. But then again, he never saw him enough to draw any conclusions regarding Jung Daehyun as a person. And right now, Youngjae silently admitted, somehow not knowing the older boy bothered him.

“You’re lying again.” It was a statement, delivered with a gentle tug of the lips. It was loud and definite, rang by a voice as clear as a ringing bell and it made Youngjae’s gaze harden. “You say to leave you alone, but you know, sometimes it’s easier to simply be honest. You don’t want to be by yourself, it’s perfectly fine to say it.”

He could surely just make a small twirl, run straight home and by that successfully avoid the brunette he had just realized was the glossary definition of ‘weird’. But his eyes grew too large, his mind too bewildered by unexpected replies from his stalker that he somehow stayed on the spot. He almost felt violated.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked dumbfounded. “Seriously, are you on some sort of medication?”

Jung Daehyun made a face, a grimace that twisted his handsome features strangely, “Urgh, don’t get me started on that. No, let’s not talk about me. I want to know more about you. Let’s become close.” A large smile formed on his lips, wide and bright, yet it was surprisingly shy with his cheeks dusted in a faint shade of crimson. “I’d really like that, to become close I mean.”

Youngjae raised a brow questioningly and eyed the other with forced indifference, “And why would I want that?”

‘Yes, why would he?’

He wondered if all eyes could sparkle like the ones before him, could everyone smile so genuinely to the world despite its imperfections… or was it only Jung Daehyun.

“Don’t you like me?” Daehyun tilted his head slightly to the side, completely unfazed by Youngjae’s cool behavior and kept on staring at him unblinkingly. “I think you should.” The older bit his lip pensively and then spoke in soft melodic tones, “I’d really like, no love for you to like me. And if you do, you should tell me that every day.” The twinkling eyes formed into crescents under the sunrays and in an instant almost became overwhelming. “Yes, I think I’d like to hear it every day, please.”

To say that Youngjae was speechless would be an understatement, and worse part of it all was that Youngjae didn’t do speechless. Ever.

He shook his head slightly; he was not to lose his composure due to someone he knew existed but barely seen during his whole high school life.

“You know what?” Youngjae snarled. “I found you annoying before but now I seriously think that I’m starting to ha —“

“Don’t!” The older boy lunged forward to cover Youngjae’s mouth with his hand; successfully silencing the last couple of words on the verge to roll off the younger’s tongue. They were close, too close for comfort. “Don’t say that you hate me. I guarantee you, you really don’t. And then if the last words you ever say to me are ‘I hate you’ you might feel a whole lot of regret. And I don’t want that.” His gaze pierced though Youngaje’s eyes, shifting slowly from sparkling into something less readable, something more subtle and considerably more vulnerable. “I want you to be happy.”

‘Oh’

Youngjae blinked and felt the warm palm of Daehyun’s hand covering half his face and the soft breaths brushing feathery against his cheeks.

Then unbeknownst to him, he started to see it.

The feeling was foreign and the sight unexpected.

Maybe it was something he shouldn’t have noticed.

But he saw it, as clearly as the difference between day and night he saw them drag him to the edge and linger by the thin lines of grey.

Jung Daehyun’s eyes were brown… dark brown and full of life.

***

With his hands pressed against the other’s chest, Youngjae pushed. Hard. To make them both stumble a few steps back.

“What are you doing?” He, himself couldn’t understand why he was so affected by the whole thing. And he might be overreacting, but at the moment it didn’t feel like he was. Daehyun had been too close.

Close enough to make him almost think what he saw was not merely a reflection of the real thing.

And his box was not made to withstand such danger.

“That one hurt, you know.” Daehyun rubbed his chest slowly; he threw a glance at the person guilty for his ache and pouted. “I guess I’m not supposed to find you cute right now.”

Youngjae ran a hand through his hair; it was getting weirder and weirder by the second. “Why me?”

He wasn’t sure what he asked exactly, but somehow it seemed fitting.

“Why not?”

The other’s reply caused a silent groan to erupt from Youngjae’s throat. Of course, since he didn’t know what he asked, he couldn’t really tell what the answer meant either.

The older boy’s eyes blinked repeatedly, but they suddenly stopped when he opened his mouth to earnestly say: “Will you like me already?”

Youngjae’s jaw dropped, appalled, but he hastily recovered. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Daehyun sighed and clicked his tongue, “I’ll take that as a no.”

The younger shook his head and straightened himself. “Why would I like you?”

“Why not? What’s wrong with that?” he stepped closer but wisely stilled when Youngjae gave him a warning look.

“It’s not possible.”

Now it was Daehyun’s turn to raise an eyebrow in bewilderment. “You’re being unreasonable.”

“Whatever,” the younger of the two sighed, “This is… you are… gosh, you’re impossible, I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” He was about to turn for the nth time to leave, but just like all his previous tries, Jung Daehyun was intent on making him fail.

“Then don’t. Don’t say a single word.” His feet twirled by their own accord, forcing him to look into the eyes he had unconsciously come to admire. “I’ll know you. To tell what you feel, when you’re happy, when you’re mad and when you’re hurt by simply looking at you is the least I can do.”

The most fascinating kind of colors was the one of the eyes.

They illuminated the core of a person and every little thing within it.

Youngjae’s heart was grey…

… and Daehyun’s wasn’t.

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Hi, it took longer than I expected to update. But it's here now ^^

Wow, I can't imagine where all the subscribers came from. But Thank You for showing interest in my story! I really appreciate it.

I'd like to add that this story has a theme/plot (?) that is very very very common. I just want to point that out so that you won't think too much of the similarities if you happen to find any. I swear this story is my own.

It's past 2 am. I did proofread it, but I doubt my mind registered all or even one half of the words. Feel free to tell me, if you spot any errors (which you likely will) :)

Have a good night (morning, afternoon or evening)

<3

Ivy