For the next few days Yoseob ignored daunting feeling every time he saw Hyunseung taking care of Junhyung and cold indifference from that last one. He didn’t care about that, he didn’t love him anymore. There was no reason for the pain in his chest and his heart. Some things must end while others can start anew. So he decided to stick closer to someone else. Someone who could understand him, who could willingly listen to him and whom he could tell about everything. It wasn’t accidental that it became Joonkun. It was probably the only one person that knew everything about his… disease. And what’s more he resembled Junhyung in some ways, ignoring the fact that he was bigger.

But although Yoseob tried to be with him as often as he could, speaking with him about everything and even decided to come back to the dorm to be closer to him, he couldn’t see him any other way than good older brother. Joonkun never had that softness towards him that Junhyung once possessed.

But what was one undeniable good effect of it, was that slowly Yoseob started to forget about his feelings for Junhyung. At least as long as he didn’t have to see him, and he was still visiting him every day, or hasn’t dreamt about him.

Fortunately he hoped all that things wouldn’t have to last long because with the beginning of real warm spring, doctors announced them that with that speed of healing it’s quite possible that Junhyung will be able to return to his previous shape. Although he will never have the same physical ability as before, but at least he will be able to dance. What means for Yoseob that he won’t have to visit him that often or even that Junhyung will leave hospital and in the dorm he won’t have to see him.
But yet for some time he had to be with him everyday, sitting quietly in the corner or playing games with others and enduring every touch Junhyung shared with Hyunseung.


Watching one afternoon how older was helping Junhyung to change his shirt, he was wondering if what doctors have said few days earlier could be true. He was still so thin and weak. Even simple activities were making him tired. And every time he became tired he was so frustrated that it was safer to stay away from him.

"Hyung…" Accosted him Dongwoon. "Why are you staring at Junhyungie hyung?"

"He seems so fragile…" Stated absent-mindedly but when he understood what he said he embarrassed slightly. "I mean, he still not yet regained his strength."

In the same time rapper hissed something at helping him friend. And Yoseob tried to imagine how their life would look like if Junhyung’s state never changed.

Would he be allowed to stay in the dorm or in the band in general? If not what he would be doing in his life? He could start just with making music, Yoseob heard once he said to Doojoon he wants to focus more on that. Or he could just be their rapper without dancing… With just his voice he would be good enough.

"Hyung, you are staring again."

"Are you really bored, Dongwoon? Get lost."

Anyway, he wanted him to get better soon. Otherwise Yoseob could have serious problems with his brain, if not lost it already. Because for all the time he held onto something he was not suppose to. Like finding out everything about poisonings and ways to cure it and faster recovering from it. Only never have chance to try out anything

One day he came to hospital exceptionally happy because of pleasant and fast recording and decided that it was that day when he finally break himself and start to use his ideas to help Junhyung.

When he entered the room Doojoon, Dongwoon and Hyunseung were playing some game and Kikwang was looking at them laughing from time to time, probably because he was the first one who lost. Junhyung as mostly always those days was sitting on bed doing something on his laptop.

"Hi~" He sat next to rapper’s bed lurking at what he was doing. But that one would seem like he didn’t notice him, unless he muttered ‘hi’ in response. "How are you feeling today? Better, worse, something changed?"

"I feel the same, I don’t think anything can change." Replied still not adverting his attention from computer.

"Maybe I could do something for you?"

"No, I don’t need anything." Answered dryly. "Seung, give me water, I’m thirsty!"

Yoseob felt a twinge in his chest.

"Wait a minute, I will loose soon." Replied older and came back to immersed in game members.

"Maybe some massage? I’ve heard that if you will be exercising even a little bit it can help."

When he didn’t hear protest he decided to use it.

"Give me your hand…" Ordered taking it himself. "Look if you do something like that… " He started squeezing Junhyung’s arm muscles. "Your blood will run faster and… well I can’t remember exactly why but it will be good for you anyway."

He wanted to continue but Junhyung took away his hand.

"What is wrong with you, Yoseob? Do you have something to tell me or what? I don’t know, any problem..?" Irritated. "If you have problems and want to talk then tell us because we can’t guess if something is wrong…"

Yoseob only smiled at him.

"I don’t have any problems…" He started but then Hyunseung sat on the edge of the bed, right next to Junhyung and handed him water which Junhyung took without even blinking his eyes. "Ok, maybe just one. I hate you." He confess calmly as if he really meant it and eyes of everyone turned to him. Yoseob immediately left the room and right after closing doors his eyes filled with stinging tears.

He had no idea why he said that but it happened and he couldn’t change it. He decided to go as far from everyone as it was possible but he didn’t know where he could go. However he knew he had to go somewhere and do something. Otherwise his heart would break into pieces and he would never be able to pick it up. He put the mask on his face, pulled the hood on his head and left building through back door. Few minutes later he found himself in small park where patients and elder people were resting. Quickly he took the closest bench and hid his face in his hands trying to stop himself from crying.

Why it was so hard to change his heart? When all his ideas failed he tried to hate Junhyung instead of loving him. But when he actually said that it have hurt him so much. He only hoped that Junhyung didn’t felt hurt too much. But if he didn’t, then it meant that he haven’t cared for his opinion and him not only much but at all. Yoseob couldn’t tell which option scared him more.

Suddenly he noticed shadow pendulous above him, covering first really warm sun that year. He only opened eyes to look at shoes, but when acknowledged who it was, he stopped his tears immediately. Hoping the other hasn’t noticed it.

"Yoseob, do you know how it’s like when you’re in the darkness? I think you know… You never get out once it let you in. And before you know it you will be gone." Younger boy tilted his head looking at him. It wasn’t something usual that Hyunseung was that serious. "Don’t give me that surprised look. I know, because I’ve been there and I can assure you that not everyone is able to come out safely. At least not alone." Stated firmly. "We all know that you have problems but you must let us help you."

Yoseob smiled at him brightly as always.

"But my problems are no bigger than every our members. We can talk about it some other time because I must go now."

Still with smile on his face he turned around and wanted to go away as fast as possible. However he wasn’t able to do that because of hand holding his wrist.

"Stop lying. Joonkun told us already about your depression." Yoseob once again looked on the ground. "Do you know what was Junhyung’s reaction for your words?" Younger still was only looking down not responding. "Of course he behave like nothing happened, like you were joking or even never said something like that. But I was sitting right next to him and his hands started trembling. He tried not to show anything but he was crushed by those words. Why did you tell him something like that? You know how broad is our experience with people’s hatred, you should think ten times before speaking about hating anyone. Especially when you don’t mean it." Yoseob sat down on the bench again, saddened even more.

"I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it. It’s just… I couldn’t stand how he accepts your help willingly while all the time pushing me away. I want to be there for him as well."

"Yoseob do you know why I help him so much? Why I’m here every day, every morning doing all that he wants me to do?" Yoseob shook his head terrified of what he might hear. Hyunseung sat down next to him and continued. "Because I almost killed him… It was me who gave him that poison and he knows that. That’s why he let me do all those things because he knows that I will feel even worse if he wouldn’t."

"But how’s that you gave him poison!?"

"It’s quite simple…" Laughed sadly. "That day or rather night something woke me up around 2am. I saw light in hallway so I got up to check what’s going on. I saw Junhyung who was getting ready to go outside, he was furious. He said he saw you once again leaving the dorm so late at night. He wanted to follow you to see where you are going but somehow I managed to convince him to stay. I was sure he won’t find you. Since no one but Junhyung noticed that you are leaving it was obvious you don’t want to be found. And he had no idea where even to start looking for you, without calling you of course. When he finally agreed to stay I took out a bottle of juice for each of us and the one he drunk had poison. Two hours later he was almost dead." He silenced for a moment. "I’ve told about that only managers and doctors. That bottle really had poison. They don’t know if it was there from the start or someone poisoned it somehow and it was aimed at one of us. Specialists are working on it and our members know nothing about that. It’s only me and now I’ve told you. Understands now? It’s not that I became closer to him suddenly, we’re not closer to each other than to others. I just almost killed him. "Yoseob didn’t know what to say, he was shocked by such news. "I’ve told you my secret, do you tell me now what is going on?"

"Seungie…" He tucked up his legs on the bench. "I’m sure you’ll regret that you’ve asked because I think I’m loosing my mind." Confessed quietly. "I didn’t want to fall in love with him. Nor I want to love him…" Hyunseung looked at hunched figure of Yoseob quite surprised. "I hate what he is doing to my heart. I wanted to live normally but can’t stop thinking about him. I never wanted something like that to happen. I’m sorry." Yoseob tried all his best not to cry anymore but somehow his eyes became wet again. "Please help me find a way to get rid of that feeling." He glanced at Hyunseung but haven’t noticed something that he was most afraid of, disgust. "I don’t want to destroy our team. I tried to stop it so hard but in the end all is ed up and useless… I’m so useless. I don't know anymore. I..." Yoseob paused and older sighed for that confession.

"Don’t tell me you think you don’t have to live..? Because first you must ask yourself if you are ready to die.." Retorted examining him with his eyes. "You know, if you ever feel like killing yourself come to me, I’ll help you… It turns out, I’m quite good at that." Smirked sarcastically. "Anyway, someone gave me very interesting book once. ‘100 ways to commit suicide’. Very good book, I’ve read it all. It really describes different kinds of suicides. With the exception that not the ones that succeeded, but the ones that truly failed. It shows what can happen to you if you for example jump from building, take pills, throw yourself under car or hang on line… and won’t die. Seriously, I never felt like killing myself ever again."

"You don’t have to convince me really hard… I think, I have ‘killing’ period after me actually. Now I think it’s better, I can live somehow with it and wait till it’ll stop. I think I can stop it."

"Yoseob, first, stop thinking so much. I know it can be hard and all but you can’t live inside of your head. I can’t tell you what Junhyung will answer but you must tell him and face his decision. Even if it’ll be rejection. Seriously, it would be way much easier for you if told us that earlier and didn’t have to carry it on your own. Besides, it’s always like that… when you are rejecting something it hits you harder every time it comes back. But remember you’re not alone. We all treasure you greatly not only because you are main vocalist."

"And what if Junhyung won’t reject me?" Asked timidly

"Then you won’t have to think alone about what to do. You will think about it together."

"But president nor anyone else never let us to be together…"

"And you think something like that could change or anyhow affect people’s feelings?"

"It did change Junhyung's." Hyunseung looked at smaller boy incredulously.

"What!? What are you talking about?"

"When president told us to stop our fanservice, Junhyung just stopped liking me, he is completely different now, even when we are alone. Or mostly when we are alone."

Don’t be ridiculous Yoseob. You know Junhyung so well, you think something like that is possible? Besides if that prohibition didn’t change your feelings why you think it could change his?" Both silenced for a moment. "Anyway… you have no choice Yoseob, you have to tell him." Younger nodded his head not saying anything else. "Sooo are we coming back?"

"What!? Now!? No!" Hyunseung laughed at his horrified face. "I haven’t thought about what and how to tell him yet!"

"But you don’t have to, just tell it straight, plainly." He stood up and took again Yoseob’s wrist but younger strongly opposed.

"No! I can’t…" He tried to break out older’s grip with tears in his eyes. Hyunseung put his hand on his crown.

"Yoseob, don’t think. You’ll see that you will feel better."

"Ok." Sighed giving up. "Let’s go, but I will be thinking on my way back!" Older only smiled dragging him to hospital.

Few minutes later Yoseob faintly knocked at Junhyung’s room door. When he opened he saw two pairs of eyes looking at him. Kikwang and Doojoon went already for their schedules.

"Dongwoon, come with me. Yoseob wants to talk with Junhyung." Explained older from behind Yoseob’s back and maknae immediately stood up and smiling to Yoseob left room with Hyunseung.

When the door closed Yoseob came up slightly to Junhyung’s bed, but not too close, just not to stand in entrance.

"Jun-ah, I’m really sorry for what I said I didn’t mean it, really. Is there something I can do for you to forgive me?" He looked at older but didn’t met his eyes. His eyes were looking at computer screen.

"Don’t worry, let’s forget about it." His voice. The only thing Yoseob was able to think about was why his voice was always so cold for him? It was that impossible for Junhyung to smile at him even once?

Again he felt burning tears in corners of his eyes.

"That’s relief. I’ll be going then, I have next schedule soon. Bye." He turned around and in one second left the room.

He couldn’t tell if it was his imagination that Junhyung called his name, or Hyunseung and Dongwoon were saying something to him when he was quickly passing them. The only thing he was certain about was that he have to go away. He needs to be gone. He won’t be listening to any stupid advices anymore.

He didn’t even know when and how he found himself in familiar park, not so far from their dorm. He hunched on his favorite bench there and just cried. Not too loud, not really desperately. Only wasn’t able to stop his tears from falling. And he really wanted to die.

When he opened up his eyes again it was late afternoon already and his phone was vibrating. He felt that something like that have happened already. But it’s was Hyunseung this time.

"Leave me alone!" Yelled to him and hung up.

He was just about to turn off his phone when he saw the most unexpected name on the screen – Junhyung. He didn’t know what to do, his thoughts were a mess but decided to speak with him. He wanted to have hope.

"What do you want?" Asked quietly.

"Can you come here to hospital? We need to talk." Yoseob sighed.

"No I can’t. I’ve told you already today everything that I wanted to say."

"But I haven’t told you… I’m sorry, we have to talk. Could you come here?" Younger wasn’t able to resist too long, he wanted to see him all the time.

"Ok, I’ll be there in about one hour."

And with heavy heart he dragged himself again from where he came.


He arrived there faster than expected but when he reached Junhyung’s room and heard familiar voices, he regretted it immediately.

"When Yoseob said he will come?" Asked Hyunseung adjusting Junhyung’s pillow.

"Now he can be any minute…" Answered Junhyung. "And what about others?"

"Dongwoon should be back soon as well with something to eat and I spoke with Doojoon, he already finished recording so we can expect him here in half an hour I guess. And Kikwang at best arrive here in hour, maybe two." Explained older sitting on Junhyung’s bed, what Yoseob could see through slightly opened door. "Have you told him yet?" Junhyung shook his head.

"No, I don’t know if I can do this. It’s stupid." Hyunseung slapped his arm.

"Don’t say such things, you have no choice… maybe someday he get over with it or get bored with you and there won’t be problems anymore."

Yoseob was looking at the two with his eyes wide open. How they could think about cheating him? It was definitely too much. But instead of despair he felt anger. He didn’t intended to run away anymore so he took deep breath and knocked.

"Oh, hi Seobbie!" Smiled for him Hyunseung. "Do you want something to eat? Doojoon just called me and we are going to buy something."

"No, I just came here to talk." Replied blankly and Hyunseung stopped smiling leaving room without a word. "What is it that I had to come here all the way for you to tell me?" Asked looking firmly in Junhyung’s eyes.

"Come here, sit down." Encouraged him older. Yoseob noticed that he wanted to sound kind and friendly… but it still wasn’t like before.

"That’s it? That’s everything?"

"No, that’s not everything…" Sighed getting up from bed and coming up to him. "I like you." Confessed and hugged him tightly. And Yoseob was trying all his might, all his strength not to believe it.

Calm down, stupid! You know that he doesn’t mean it!

But it wasn’t that hard for him to ignore it. He could clearly notice that Junhyung’s words still were cold and in his embrace Yoseob could feel nothing more but stiffness. It wasn’t that easy to cheat him.

Younger just wanted to tell him that he can stop already when someone knocked and three other beasts appeared in the room. They greeted him cheerfully and Yoseob couldn’t lose the feeling that they know about everything. And once again he felt irritated. Especially when felt Junhyung’s arm on his waist and heard his words.

"Hey! Before you start eating or something I want to tell you something…" Everyone silenced looking at them. "Yoseob and I…

"Just quit it!" Interrupted him ing down his hand from his waist. "I will be fine without such lies. I know you are saying that only because you are worried and wanted to help but I never asked you to do that. So just stop."

Everyone looked at them surprised.

"Ehm, guys… maybe we should leave so they could talk about it in privet." Proposed Doojoon urging everyone to the door.

"I have nothing to add." Retorted Yoseob sitting on the armchair by the window not looking at anyone.

But the rest of the band have left anyway. And after that complete silence reigned in the room. Yoseob tucked up his legs and looked at the wall and Junhyung just sat on his bed without movement, not looking at anything.

Several minutes later someone knocked the door faintly and Dujun’s head could be seen peeking by a door ajar. He was just going to say something jokingly about the two inside but quickly noticed that atmosphere in the room was far from joyful. Yoseob was sitting with closed eyes, like before and Junhyung was lying fully covered with his blanket and his back turned to younger. Leader let out the loud sigh and entered closing the door behind himself.

"Geeze guys… why are you like this? Just accept it! Yoseob, it’s not your nor anyone else’s fault that you feel how you feel so stop blaming yourself. And stop hiding your worries… at least before us. Just deal with it, you’re not the only unrequitedly in love person in the world, people live with it.
And Junhyung… no one is asking you to love him. But you don’t have to hurt him because of how he feels. He is still our little Seob, our friend. He didn’t change one bit. Except he is sadder lately because he is worried about you.
I’ll give you one more chance to talk." He came to Yoseob and grabbed his hand. Then he dragged him and forced to sit on bed, next to Junhyung. "You’ve got ten minutes before I’ll come here again with others to take Yoseob to the dorm. Do something with yourselves!" With those words he left the room.

Yoseob was just going to get up and come back to his previous spot but Junhyung’s hand stopped him.

"I’m sorry I was so surly." Began dryly, almost coldly and Yoseob took his hand from his grip.

"Why you don’t care so much about me? Do you know how it hurts?" He asked faintly after a while.

"Because we are not allowed to be together."

"First, there are two people needed to even say about ‘together’. And I never ever told or showed you how I feel so you didn’t have reason to treat me like that. And second, if you cared you would just screw it." Yoseob closed his eyes not wanting to look at him and to show him that he could cry because of that. "Don’t worry, I’ll stop thinking about you as soon as possible. I’m not going to trouble you." He breathed deeply. "Everything will be like before when you come back to us."

"I don’t want you to stop thinking about me." Confessed other timidly.

Yoseob wanted to look at him with sudden tide of hope but quickly came to him that it probably meant nothing so he did nothing as well but the next words shocked him.

"I really, really like you since I can only remember." Younger was sitting without movement, nor breathing. "You probably didn’t notice but I always tried to be close to you. I need your presence." He lifted himself up and put his hand on top of Yoseob’s hand. "And I’m really sorry. Every single time I was mad at you, I was saying unpleasant things… It was because I couldn’t handle my feelings. I’m truly sorry, I know you’ve been hurt because of me, but I couldn’t imagine that you are suffering that much. I know I truly deserved for your hatred."

"Don’t lie to me, I’ve seen and heard you today with Hyunseung, the moment before I came in."

"And what did you heard? That I’m too scared to tell you how I feel? That I wanted it to remain secret forever? Or that I hope that you don’t feel or stop feeling the same because otherwise we could be in huge troubles?"

"You hoped I stop loving you?"

"Yes because for me it’s probably too late I guess." Yoseob didn’t react to those words. He didn’t know how to react. "I show you I’m not kidding, I’m not lying anymore." Assured him and moved his face closer to the other boy.

Yoseob felt tearing pain in his chest as he felt warm lips of the one for whom he was craving for so long. He couldn’t do anything about tears running down his cheeks when they kissed. For the first time in a long time he felt that his life has some meaning, that maybe he could live happily somehow. Not able to fully believe that what he was experiencing was true smaller boy placed his hands on a face of the other. Skin texture of Junhyung’s face and neck was something he couldn’t know and he couldn’t imagine it. It had to be true. Besides in his dreams older boy never kissed him. He never felt before that gorgeous feeling of being kissed by a guy he loved.

When he ascertained himself that he wasn’t dreaming he moved his arms to embrace Junhyung’s nape and drag him closer still kissing him with trembling heart. However other boy break away himself immediately panting heavily.

"Yoseob, I can’t breathe." Younger boy pulled back from him instantly.

"I’m sorry." Embarrassed and dried his eyes with his fists. But Junhyung interrupted him by taking his small face in his hands and helping to get rid of last tears.

"It’s ok." Smiled embracing him. "Soon I’ll recover and you can do everything you want."

"Hyung, stop pushing me!" Whispered angrily Kikwang turning his face to leader.

"Shiii." Warned maknae stopping before the door quietly.

"I told you it’s not a good idea. What if they still don’t talk to each other?" Dujun rolled his eyes.

"Stop saying nonsense, Hyunseung. Let’s make bets. Who thinks that Yoseob and Junhyung still not managed to make it up? Dongwoon? Kikwang?" He looked at responses. "Fine, Hyunseung, you’re alone. We are going." Ordered showing Dongwoon that he can open the door to Junhyung’s hospital room. All the boys, along with Hyunseung, entered quietly to see cuddled two on the bed.

Yoseob was half lying, leaning on the wall with closed eyes and hands placed on shoulders of rapper and Junhyung was lying on his stomach embracing his waist with face hidden in his chest. Dujun smiled knowingly to Hyunseung and others.

"Ok, enough is enough." Said loudly. "Yoseob, we must go back to the dorm." Ordered.

"Just few more minutes." Asked Junhyung sleepily, not turning his face away from younger boy.

"Aaaaaaaah~! I can’t stand it!" Yelled Kikwang suddenly coming up to bed. "You are so sweet that I must hug you too."

And he did like he said hugging Yoseob from the other side than Junhyung was lying.

"Me too! Me too!" Joined maknae placing himself behind Junhyung and cuddling to his back.

Leader growled for that sight.

"You all are unbelievable…" Stated while dragging Hyunseung to the bed as well and sitting between Yoseob and Junhyung trying to embrace everyone.

Hyunseung sat on the edge of the bed next to Dongwoon’s and Junhyung’s heads but quickly hands of rapper and Yoseob reached him and he didn’t intend to resist.

"I love you guys." Confessed leader and everyone smiled hugging each other even more tightly.

Yes. They were perfection together.