After what it seemed for Yoseob the whole eternity Joonkun called him that he arrived and is waiting. And the whole way back through the park he was thinking about what he’s supposed to say to explain himself. He knew that sooner or later someone would find out about his escapades but not in a situation like that. Not when he could focus on nothing more than hospital and Junhyung.

"Yangyo, what are you doing in a place like this, so early in the morning?" Asked manager severely when they met.

"Could you tell me first what’s with Junhyung?" Almost begged trying to look like he wasn’t crying the whole time he has been waiting.

"Get in and better have good explanation, otherwise I will have to report on you."

The boy nodded his head and quickly took place next to driver.

"Regarding Junhyung…" Began hesitantly when they got off. "For the moment I was leaving hospital he was alive but I’m not going to soothe you. His state was defined as critical."

Yoseob once again felt pain in his chest and his eyes became wet.

"At first doctors thought that this is some kind of asthma attack or result of some complication after pneumonia. But quickly they change diagnose to poisoning."

"What!?" The boy looked at him startled.

"Poisoning. Not the one when you eat something expired or just too much and you have nausea or diarrhea. Real poisoning like with arsenic or cyan. With the exception that there are hundreds of various poisons, at least that’s what I’ve been told, and they don’t know what it could’ve been. One certain thing is that it destroyed cells in his whole body so it probably is in ruin right now and he may never fully recover."

Yoseob bent his head on his laps hiding it in hands.

"Why something like that have happened to him? How!?" Asked between sobs. "He must live, he must be healthy.

Manager put his hand on Yoseob’s head. It was really hard for him to see always cheerful boy in such a state.

"I know Seobbie, I know." But that didn’t help the boy who was almost convinced that his friend was dying because of his feelings for him.

"I can’t live without him." He whispered almost inaudible and something clicked inside of manager’s head.

"Yoseob why you weren’t in the dorm?" He heard no answer. "What were you doing?" Again only sobs could be heard. "Yoseob answer me or I’ll stop being nice. Was it the only time, today?" Finally he saw him shaking his head slightly. "Do you tell me why you were leaving the dorm?"

"I don’t know." Replied quietly. "I just couldn’t stand to be there all the time."

Manager slowed down car and stopped on the roadside.

"Why you couldn’t stand being in your own home? Did guys do something to you or said something?"

Yoseob strongly shook his head.

"Is it because of Junhyung?" Again he saw no reaction. "What happened between the two of you?" Pressured him manager.

"Nothing." Joonkun sighed.

"And this is the worst for you, right? That nothing happened?" Vocalist shook his head once again.

"No, the worst is that I wanted something to happen. I couldn’t handle it longer and now he’s probably dying." Manager once again his head to console him.

"Don’t worry, Jinho would call me immediately if his condition worsened. And since he hasn’t that means that things could only got better."

Yoseob calmed himself a little bit but tears were still falling heavily from his eyes.
And hearts of both of them stopped for a moment when they’ve heard manager’s phone ringing.

"It’s Dujun." Informed manager calming them. Yoseob raised his head instantly.

"Hyung, please don’t tell him anything. Tell him that I was at my parents’. Please." Older male only shook his head discontented and answered his phone.

"What is it Dujunnie?" Yoseob was drilling hole in manager’s head when he heard that leader asked about him. "Don’t worry, he’s completely okay. Of course for a situation like that."

Yoseob again turned around and hid his face in his arms.

"Nothing happened, he just wanted to see his parents …I don’t know why he said he don’t know, maybe he was still asleep and wasn’t completely aware of what you’ve asked… He was crying because he was worried about Junhyung… I don’t know why he could’ve cry earlier, maybe it only seemed like that to you." Yoseob was listening to conversation thankful for Joonkun’s words. "Ok, we’ll be in the hospital soon so you’ll have a chance to ask him himself. Bye." Manager put away his phone and looked on the boy silenced.

It was the first time he has seen him in such a state. He was with them from the very start and he witnessed many falls and hard times in their lives. But it was the first time Yoseob was that distressed. It was overwhelmingly sad sight. With strong intention to change that he turned around from him and started engine.


The next few days Yoseob remembers as if he lived in a fog… He couldn’t see any light and nothing was clear. For an indefinite period of time all B2ST’s schedules were cancelled or postponed and somehow everyone forgot about his escapes. They couldn't do anyting else but worrying. Especially when doctors made them aware of something that they could only suspect. Junhyung probably won’t be able to dance again, he might even not be able to breath normally anymore. His lungs were destroyed.

Yoseob wasn’t able to be despaired even more. Using the occasion that members had to leave dorm for some time in order to find what could prejudice Junhyung, he came back to home and close himself in his room for some time. Was there even one person in the world that suspected how much he was suffering? Anyone?

Unfortunately no one ever died spontaneously from that kind of pain and about week later along with rest of members he could see awaken Junhyung for the first time. He was looking at him just as if it was completely strange person. He looked so different. Violet lips, sunken cheeks, almost transparent skin. Was it really possible for someone to function normally in that state? Yoseob wasn’t sure but anyway, took strong decision to take good care of him. Either older like it or not.

He wasn’t able to keep that decision, however. At least not straight away. As soon as Junhyung’s state became stable members came back to their individual activities. And Yoseob suddenly became one of the most busy ones. He didn’t like it because it meant that he could only see Junhyung for a short periods after or between recordings but could do nothing about that. It wasn’t him who decided what he was suppose to do. But he was trying to visit him as many times as possible.
 

Since B2ST spent their time mostly in Junhyung’s hospital room, Yoseob decided not to come back to the dorm as well. He couldn’t bring himself to see empty bed every day. No one really opposed when he stated that he will stay in his home for yet some time. And no one ever suspected, that all he could do, when he was alone, was sleeping. Or saying more precisely, he just stayed awake for long hours buried in covers. And tried to make himself fall asleep. He wanted to sleep as long as possible because in sleep was the only place he could see Junhyung the way he wanted. He was afraid of waking up because only there he was truly loved by him.

Nevertheless he knew he wasn’t allowed to stay in bed forever. He had his schedule to fulfill. And was trying really hard not to disappoint anyone. Fortunately Joonkun told other managers about his state and they even took him to amusement park one day. Yoseob had really great time there. Unfortunately it was only once. And he couldn’t ask them to go there again because it would be suspicious for others. Everyone could have one worse day in a while, having worse two months or even longer wasn’t normal. But he was still determined not to say anything to anyone else. He wanted to deal with it himself.


Time passed and Junhyung’s condition was getting surprisingly better really fast. But he still was not allowed to leave room further than toilet. Moreover, he was on a strict diet and couldn’t do anything that might burden his body. And what was the most tragic for him, the only electronic gadget he could use was phone, but not to long and not to many times.

Because of that everyone tried to bring him something that could make him feel better. They had many board games, healthy food and ideas to have fun. And soon room additionally filled with flowers and fan gifts became small dorm in which everyone spent most of their time. And had really good time trying not to worry to much about future.
Yoseob wanted to spend there more time as well but since he had many recordings and still was staying with his parents he was mostly always the last one to came and first one to leave. With his heart heavier and heavier.


One day after Yoseob’s leave, sudden appearance of Joonkun broke cheerful conversations in hospital room.

"Ok, since everyone’s here I must tell you guys something important." Began while closing doors.

"Hyung, how long do you live with us?" Asked suddenly maknae.

"And what does it matter now?" Startled manager.

"You know us for so long that you should notice that Yoseob’s not here." Joonkun smirked.

"Ok, correction. Everyone that I need to talk to are here."

That reply made five boys sitting in the hospital room quite curious about what manager wanted to say.

"The case is rather serious so I ask for your understatement." Silenced for a moment and looked at the expectant faces. "Together as yours managers we concluded that our Yoseobbie has depression…" Everyone looked at him surprised. "I know that it’s not long since you’ve stopped worrying about Junhyung’s condition and you all are tired but we can’t ignore that. We already managed somehow to make his day the most busy as it’s only possible so he won’t have free time for unnecessary thoughts but to tell the truth I don’t think it can help much. When he doesn’t have time in the day he probably doesn’t sleep… Yoseob forbade me to tell you about anything but I’m not going to listen to him since I know now how dangerous his state is. I can’t tell you reasons because it’s quite touchy subject and he must tell you that himself. So if you care about him at least a bit I ask you a favor." Once again manager looked at every member but no one disagreed. "You must discretely made him to tell you what is his problem. It should be easier now when Junhyung is still in hospital because you can tell him that you want to be closer with yourselves since you know that life is so fragile etc. And you must talk with him more, and listen to him." Everyone nodded in silent agreement so manager smiled and left the room slightly happier.

And from that moment everything changed. Four members truly tried to pay more attention to him. They were talking about some unimportant matters when they were alone, they were taking him to eat or shopping when they had free time, they were asking if he wants something from them when they were not seeing each other for some time. And at any cost they were trying to make him finally start talking about what bothers him. Yoseob however almost from the start suspected that that change could be caused by telling something about his state by managers. And so even harder he tried to show that everything with him was just fine and if someone thought that he had problems, he was wrong. How he could say with all his ever fooling around with everyone that he really fell for a guy? Such a statement was too unpopular to admit without troubles.

Besides he could at least try to say something but there was one thing that was making him restless – Junhyung not even once asked him about anything. It was obvious that he couldn’t do all those things others were doing because he still was not allowed to get up from bed for longer time, but he could at least say something. Anything.

Yoseob was mad at himself that he was constantly expecting that Junhyung would help him. It was him who was suppose to help older to get better, not otherwise. That’s why when he finally got the whole free day, just to himself, he decided he will spent it with Junhyung.


After sleeping for almost the whole night, for first time in a while, he woke up early and about half past seven in the morning he was sitting next to Junhyung’s hospital bed. Waiting for him to wake up. Few minutes after him nurse entered the room smiling at him.

"Good morning, you are already here?" Yoseob smiled back at her and nodded his head. "He must be someone special for all of you since there’s always so many people beside him." She continued whispering while disposing colorful pills into small cups.

"We went through a lot together so it’s somewhat obvious for us to care for him. It would be the same if any other got sick. Would be?"

Suddenly strange feeling overwhelmed him. He felt that no one would care if something happened to him.

"I’m sorry but could you tell me for what are those pills?" He pointed at three cups on the table.

"Uh, I don’t think you would understand everything but generally it helps him to overcome strong effects of poisoning. Some of them are detoxicating, these are mostly in garish colors and other help his organs to function normally." Explained kindly.

"And every one of them is necessary? I mean, I never liked to take pills and there are so many of them here. It’s scary." She smiled and placed containers in particular order.

"Well, most of them aren’t necessary. Like I said, they are helping him to overcome effects, not to live. Without it recovering will simply take more time." Yoseob nodded with understanding. "Could I leave giving them onto your head?" He nodded again. "So the first cup, the blue one, you must give him as soon as he wakes up. And it better be not later than 8 am. If he not wakes up till then, you know " she winked at the boy "help him somehow.

"I bet, he won’t. He never wakes up that early." Sighed Yoseob and the nurse smiled brighter on that.

"Maybe not, but since there is not many things that can tire people in hospital they are generally waking up faster." Yoseob smirked incredulously nonetheless. "Anyway, he can’t eat for an hour after taking those pills and then next one in order is white cup. It must be taken before meal as well but he can eat breakfast right away. Then few minutes after eating the orange cup. And that’s all. He knows that everything himself but since you know him better than I you should know that he will be grumbling and lingering and doing everything not to take pills or to eat sooner." Small boy smiled sadly. He knew all that too well.

When the nurse left he took a look at the three small cups once again. Four pills in blue, three in white and three in orange. Ten pieces. Did he really need that much? Yoseob glanced at the pale sleeping face while taking one pill from every cup. To cover up his act he took off some vitamins from his backpack and replaced missing elements. Then he sat down in his previous position and laid his head on the bed. She said that Junhyung didn’t need them for living while in his case… Yes, it was definitely life and death matter.

He looked at motionless open hand that laid next to his head. Hand that bothered him so many times, fingers that touched him so often that should remember his skin for the rest of his life. He couldn’t fight the urge to touch it. Junhyung’s fingers budges slightly when felt Yoseob’s fingertips on them. Younger boy quickly took off his hand careful not to wake him up. But Junhyung was still sleeping silently.

Since there was few minutes to 8 Yoseob closed his eyes tired from not sleeping enough. But only few seconds later he heard faint knocking to the door. He tilt up immediately on his chair and saw Hyunseung opening and coming inside without further ado.

"Oh, hi Seob-ah. What are you doing here that early?"

Yoseob became a little confused seeing the other boy putting his belongings on one of the chairs and opening blinds like he was in his own place.

"I had nothing else to do so I thought I come here." Confessed quietly.

"Mhm" ‘Answered’ Hyunseung while taking out fresh water from his bag and looking at his watch. "Huh, it’s eight already. Junhyung, wake up! Wake up, lazy !" Added while kicking leg of younger boy.

Yoseob was looking at that scene with heavy heart. He didn’t like them being that close.

"Wake up! Wake up! Waaaake uuuup~!" Sang Hyunseung visibly irritating boy who was turning his back to them and covering with blanket.

"Jun-ah, get up. You must take your meds." Noticed Yoseob and Junhyung quickly looked at two boys staring at him, with surprised look.

"Seobbie, what are you doing here? You don’t have any schedule?" The youngest boy irritated strongly.

"No, finally I don’t have any schedule! And why the two of you are treating me like I was never coming while I’m here every day!?" Accused while getting up from chair. "It’s not fair when it’s not my fault that I have so many things to do."

"But we don’t accuse you. I was just surprised because I was always first and today you were here before me." Explained Hyunseung. "Anyway, Junhyung, take those pills already." Ordered and Yoseob handed right portion to grimaced face. But he swallow it without any word drinking with water handed by Hyunseung. Fortunately he didn’t notice difference in pills.

"What are we doing today?" Asked Junhyung while adjusting his pillow to sit more comfortably. Hyunseung smiled craftily.

"Doctor finally let you use your computer for some time." Announced while going again to his bag and Junhyung was doing celebrating dance on his bed. "Besides since Yoseob is here…" They looked around but there was no one else in the room.

Yoseob couldn’t stand watching how Junhyung was ignoring him and paid his attention only to Hyunseung. Since he hasn’t been in their dorm really often those days, he had no idea that Hyunseung visited Junhyung every morning. It supposed to be only him by his side.

He quickly left room unnoticed clenching fist with three pills in his pocket and headed in some secluded place. When he sat at the furthest corner where the big hall ended with glass wall he reached to his jacket pocket and took out small bundle. He carefully opened it and joined contents with the one in his hand. His grandma, father and now Junhyung. It wasn’t that hard to get those. As he looked outside at the small alley among trees with few passers he was thinking if what he held in his hand was enough to go his own way. No one needed him anyway. They probably even won’t notice.

It would be stupid to take pills in hospital. They could rescue him easily since he had only several tablets and he was not sure how it affects him. It should be done somewhere where no one could notice him to early, or better – never. The only one location came to his mind – one certain park that he treasured so much. The park where he had so many memories… with Junhyung. Yes, it was good location. He never noticed many people there, especially in the night. So the last thing was to decide if he should tell Junhyung about his feelings before he go away. Rather not - he thought - he could blame himself while it isn’t his fault. It’s only my fault that I’m like that. I will forever remain just his mere memory.

Convinced of the rightness of his choice he leaned his head on the cold pane and saw two girls, probably students of medicine, that were peeping at him and talking among themselves. Few seconds later, when they saw he noticed them, they formed heart from their arms above their heads and screamed out loud that even he could hear it through closed windows.

"We love you, Yang Yoseob!!!"

He smiled at them and formed small heart from his hands. Two girls left smiling happily. He truly loved his fans and it was even more painful that they haven’t been able to help him any longer. They couldn’t know how he felt. No one could.

After some time he heard someone crying and saw a girl coming his way. When she noticed that someone was there she changed slightly direction and sat down few meters away from him, crying quietly. He couldn’t stay there without doing anything so he came closer to her.

"Hey, why are you crying? Something happened?" Girl nodded his head without looking at him.

"My grandpa died." He should have guessed that it was something like that, they were in hospital after all. Yet he wasn’t able to cheer her up anyhow. "Why he couldn’t take more care of himself? He knew how much everyone loves him, he shouldn’t have die so early!" Sudden words surprised Yoseob.

" It was not his fault that he died. Everyone has its own time to leave." Girl shook his head.

"It’s not true, people should not die when they are needed. What’s the point of being close to anyone when we have to die anyway? He should at least stop smoking and eat more vegetables and I don’t know… do something to live longer." Yoseob smirked.

"Maybe he haven’t felt like he was needed." Girl looked at him angered.

"Have we supposed to be coming after him telling how much we need or love him? Isn’t it obvious that when you live with someone you’ve become attached to that person? Even if not everything is ok and even if you don’t tell at every turn how much you love isn’t it obvious that you don’t want that person to leave. And you want him to feel the same.

"So you are saying that he didn’t love you enough?"  Asked boy almost accusingly.

"Maybe it’s just how I feel, that he died because he didn’t love me! And he didn’t care about feelings of his family."

"You are wrong…"

"And how you could know?"

"Maybe I don’t know but have you thought that maybe he loved you that much that never had time to think about himself. Always absorbed by needs of others."

"I never asked him to do that. I just wanted him to be with us longer…" Yoseob looked at crying girl once again and tapped her arm.

"Anyway you can’t turn back time so don’t worry for too long or you will be burden for those who live." The girl nodded her head and wept her tears.

"Thank you… and um.. I never believed my friends who are your fans that you are that nice but it turns out I was wrong." Boy smiled shyly.

"So you know me…" Girl laughed sadly still wiping falling tears.

"It’s hard to not. Although I always preferred MBLAQ. But now I’ll think about changing sides or love you equally." Yoseob smiled happily.

"OK, but promise me that I will be always your favorite member of BEAST…"

"This is not negotiable. But you must work harder from now on to win over MBLAQ."

"I will!" Assured.

"Oh, but I heard that one of your members is sick. Is it why you’re here?"

"Yes." Saddened again."But I’m not allowed to talk about that.

"I’m sorry." Confused girl. "Wish him return to his health." Yoseob nodded. "Anyway, I’ll better be going back to my family. Thank you once again." She bowed at him and was gone. And Yoseob looked at his hands with absent eyes.

He knew he couldn’t die yet. It would hurt too many people. There was better solution for his problems – to stop loving Yong Junhyung. He knew that it was hard task but not impossible. He should have thought about it earlier.
A little bit more positive he decided to go back to Junhyung’s room.