"Yoseob, just ing hurry up, we are already late."

The smallest boy looked reproachfully at his friend who was waiting for him beside the car.

"I’m going." He came quickly packing himself into vehicle." It’s not my fault, the flight was delayed." Tried to excuse himself.

"Yeah, yeah… But that doesn’t change, that we have no time to dawdle." Retorted older while slamming the car door.

"Give him a break, Junhyung. Since we are already late there’s no point in argue." Rapper wanted to answer something but Yoseob started first.

"It’s ok, Hyunseung. There’s no point in stopping him, anyway. If he don’t yell at me, he would have to be mad at someone else." Retorted upset, ignoring Junhyung’s presence.

"That’s not true!"Protested older and Yoseob only snorted.

"Hyung, how long it takes to get there?" Changed subject maknae.

"At least one hour. Get some sleep, everyone." Replied manager not adverting his attention from a snowy road.

When they reached their destination it turned out that they weren’t the only one late so the whole recording started over hour later than planned. They had enough time to prepare themselves both in appearance and mentally. And Yoseob was the master of playing cheerful. Even when he still felt bad inside, he was spreading positive fluids the whole time while introduction and later. He simply tried not to think that he wanted to kick Junhyung in the head for being rude to him again.

He couldn’t however be mad for a long time because he knew older boy sooner or later come to him and apologize. Yoseob already got used to such behavior and wasn’t surprised when Junhyung started to coax himself and pay his attention mostly to him. Even though there were many people who wanted to talk with them since they had no time to meet with other idol friends and it was first good occasion in a while. And yet he still managed to have him always by his side.

At one point as they were standing among other idols Junhyung looked at Yoseob smiling and decided to say it finally.
"I’m sorry. Are you still mad at me?" Asked trying to sound playfully.

"You are always doing and saying things without thinking much before. I don’t know if I can forgive you anymore." Answered with smiling face but Junhyung knew he wasn’t joking. So he decided something different. He came up closer to him and whispered in his ear through his hood.

"I’ll do something really nice for you." Yoseob immediately put an arm around his shoulder and explained while dragging him aside.

"Do you think that every time you behave improperly you can just promise me something and everything will be forgotten? First you must promise you’ll never do that again."

"You know that it’s impossible even if I tried." Yoseob made a face showing that he didn’t like that answer.

"Ok, and if I say that at least for one week I’ll be really, really nice to everyone?" Proposed standing close, face to face, with him and still smiling ingratiatingly. "And beside that, I still can do one thing you ask me, without nagging."

"Ok." Agreed younger immediately, turning around and going back to others.

Junhyung followed and then went ahead. Yoseob still sulked for a moment, but when older waited for him with reached hand, he grabbed it, still pretending he’s not happy about it. But when he put his arm around Junhyung’s neck and puffed air in his arm, that one knew he is forgiven. And until the very end of that event and even long after, he was really nice to Yoseob and everyone else around them.


Some time after that, on one of lasts frosty winter days all members gathered once again to practice new choreos for their concerts. Although tired and a little bit sick, everyone, happy and cheerful, were repeating complicated routines passionately.
Until arrival of manager changed that.

"Seob, Jun, president is calling the two of you to his office." Everyone looked surprised at themselves but two boys only left room without a word. Few minutes later they knocked the door and entered.

"Anneonghasaeyo!." They bowed politely.

"Anneong. Please, sit down."

Older man pointed at two chair in front of his desk and looked at them stoically, as they were taking their places. "First of all, I want to congratulate you on your duet. There was no occasion earlier and since it got better response than we’ve expected, I think you’ve deserve it. You can achieve a lot, with that talents of yours, but don’t forget to work constantly." They nodded slightly, smiling and peeking at each other.

"And now less pleasant part of our meeting… Although I hope that not that bad."  Started again while opening his laptop. "Lately I’ve been noticed about some disquieting occurrence. Usually no one bothers me with such matters, that’s why I decided to take a look, since I was told that it can become more serious problem, than it looks like." Junhyung and Yoseob once again glanced at each other not sure what to expect.

President turned his computer showing them images.

"I’m really glad, that you have such a strong bonds in band and I’m sure, that you are doing this to please your fans, but everything has its own limits. So I’m asking." He looked at the two expectantly. "What is really going on, between the two of you?" Both raised their eyes to look at him surprised.

"Nothing!" Shouted Junhyung immediately. "Really nothing! We’re just friends! We’re just fooling around, because fans like it. I’m sorry, President." He stoop up bowing formally. "There’s nothing of that matter between us, right Yoseob?" He looked at younger urging.

Yoseob looked at older man firmly and stood up as well.

"Yes, these are just silly jokes." He also bowed deeply. "We are very sorry for inconvenience."

President smiled looking at them. "I just thought so. I couldn’t believe those frivolous suspicions. But be careful. Not everyone have such a strong believe in you as I have." The two boys nodded their heads slightly and since president had nothing else to add they left the room.

"! It didn’t look good…" Sighed Junhyung when they went further from office.

"I think it did." Grinned Yoseob. "You’re handsome, I’m cute…" Older stopped suddenly causing Yoseob to bump at him and turned around vexed.

"Stop joking! It was president who told us such things." Younger looked at him with serious look.

"Then maybe think about your behavior first before you have to come to me to apologize… what the last time, according to those pictures, looked as if you wanted to kiss me!" Junhyung only squinted his eyes discontented, than turned around and gone away without a word.
And younger immediately regretted his words.
 

Once again that night, Yoseob gave up with closing his eyes. Thoughts were oppressing him for few hours already and he couldn’t sleep. For another night in a row. One side, other side, back, stomach. And again, one side, other... He once read somewhere that too much thinking kills. He was experiencing an exhaustive proof that it was true.

As soon as he tried not to think about anything his thoughts were drifting to Junhyung. To their visit at the office. He didn’t want anything more from him than so far but it just hurt him so much when he so strongly denied. And then, from day to day, he was colder and colder for him. Just as if he was nice, only in order to make fans happy, to fulfill his duty towards superiors. It was even more tough as Yoseob knew it wasn’t true. They were friends. And friends weren’t suppose to stop being friends when someone told them to stop fooling around. His behavior somehow made Yoseob feel lonely. When they were together younger could easily forget, at least for that moment, that he couldn’t have anyone he can truly love, as a man. It was easier with his friend’s silly ideas. But with that one visit in office it ended.

He couldn’t stand his thoughts any longer so decided to leave bed. Quietly he got down from his bunk and directed to the kitchen. After making himself something to drink, he sat at the computer and turned it on. He clicked at random posts on random pages, random comments from random people, for random topics. He couldn’t write anything on his own profiles, because he would be discovered, that again he couldn’t sleep. And he didn’t want that.
Once again he let his thoughts to flow before focused his gaze on some words. At first only read it mechanically but when the whole sense came to him, he read it again:

"Someone has put a stone in my throat and told me not to cry: Stand close
enough to feel but not near enough to touch, and don’t cry. Open your
mouth so I can twist the stone. So many of you here and each of you
alone."  *

He felt stinging tears forming in his eyes so he quickly got rid of them and shut off that site. But the words left in his mind irritating his awareness.

Yes, each and every one of us here, is alone. And although we are touching, we can never truly touch…

He looked at the time. It was over 4 am already so he decided to go back to bad before someone notices his absence. He had another long day ahead of him. Fortunately almost as soon as he laid down he fell asleep. With resolve that he must somehow make Junhyung treat him like before.

He decided to fulfill his plan already on the next day. As soon as he came back from his schedule he saw Junhyung lying down on the floor, taking his nap. It was perfect occasion. He laid down as well but that irritated older a lot.

"What the hell are you doing!? Get off of me." Rapper lifted his head trying to get rid of Yoseob’s body but was too tired.

"Oh. I’m sorry." Mumbled younger unaffected. "I haven’t noticed you." Finished settling his head more comfortably on his chest.

"Ah, you are so annoying." Gave up resting again his head on the floor and leaving Yoseob as he was, lying on him.
 

Just as younger was going to smile slightly for his small victory he heard someone coming in.

"What are you guys doing?" He heard surprise in Dujun’s voice and Junhyung got up immediately throwing him away.

"Yoseob couldn’t find his bed and tried to use me. But…" He thought for a moment what he should say next. "I must go back to studio now so take care." And he was gone.

Dujun only shrugged and looked at petit guy curled up on the floor.

"Yoseob, go to bed." Ordered and younger did as he was told getting up and hiding his face in hood.

Few times more he tried to get closer to Junhyung again but it was no use. Older was treating him just normally, as other members, what definitely wasn’t enough. Soon he became too tired of his failures and so he gave up. His friendship was lost forever.

 

From that time he decided not to care anymore. But the more he wanted the harder it became. Especially when it came up to him that it wasn’t all about Junhyung, but generally. Suddenly he was sick of being alone. He felt strong urge for someone to truly care for him, to love him more than anyone else. But he knew there can’t be no one like that.

One of the most tragic things in that situation for Yoseob was that no one noticed anything. Although he felt worse than maybe ever before, no one asked him even once if everything was ok. Of course he would clearly deny but only the fact that they cared would be helpful, and maybe enough for him to agree with sudden change in his life. Meanwhile he could only count on usual fooling around with members. Somehow it wasn’t as cheering as before. He only put a smile on his face but wasn’t able to tell how many times he has done that without meaning.

Sleepless nights became his routine to the point he was even able to tell when he exactly will wake up in the night. And probably he became master of clearing browser history in order not to let anyone know about his state. But as he had too little sleep he started to feel strange, not only inside but outside as well.

One day when everyone were preparing themselves to leave he stood up suddenly before mirror interested in reflection of his chest. How was that possible that outside there was no sign of what was going on inside of him? He should have bloody wounds across his body. And yet he saw only his own chest moving while breathing.

"What are you doing, Seob? What are you looking at?" Dujun appeared next to Yoseob.

"Nothing." Disconcerted younger.

"What’s happening? Are you concerned about your look?"

"Hehe, no." Replied cheerfully. "I just feel the strange hole in my heart and no one can see it. I just had to check something but everything is fine." Smiled even more brightly passing leader and heading to bedroom. "I’ll put some shirt on and we can go.

"Ok." Agreed leader. "We are leaving in five minutes so hurry up." Added looking at him with suspicious eyes.

And so many times with that hole in his heart he was forced to ride in morning traffic. And no one cared that he was probably dying inside.

With time it was harder and harder for him to find anything that could advert his attention from his strong need of someone’s interest in him. It was possible that he was first person ever to search through the whole internet and read all comments his fans left on him. And still he couldn’t feel any better.

Their promotions ended, concerts ended, recordings of special editions of something that started to be unimportant for him ended. And all he could feel in his heart was emptiness. And all he was doing all the time was pointless.

Some time later after discovering accidentally nice place to sit without being bothered by anyone he decided to change his tactic.
When he got up as always around two a.m. he dressed himself and left the dorm, careful not to wake anyone. After several minutes he reached the park he has seen before and directed to benches located in the middle. When he finally sat, he tucked his legs and rested his head on his knees. He didn’t like to be alone, especially in the silence of the night. But he was tore by conflicting emotions – to be with anyone even if it wasn’t someone he liked or to stay alone without someone who would willingly listen to him. For now second option seemed for him more attractive. He was tired of people who only have seen him as someone they could play with. They wanted him only when they needed it. When Yoseob felt alone there was no one to notice that he is screaming for someone’s attention. If he didn’t have fans who always supported him, Cutie Pie Yang Yoseob probably would be lying somewhere in his room with depression. Lonesome.

The worst was, that he knew, it was his own fault. It was him who accustomed members that he always can cheer them and be always there for them when they had problems or worse day. He never said he needed them himself. Never asked them for anything. He thought they will notice themselves how bad he felt sometimes… So now he was sitting alone, who knows where, at 3am in the night.

He pressed his face in his knees more and embraced legs with his arms as tiny freezing wind blew in his back. He emptied his tired mind and started to sing. He sang a song no one ever heard before, song about treating strangers with love and affection but feeling cold inside. Weak and empty. About being light for everyone and yet not being able to warm its own heart. Yoseob couldn’t tell how long he was sitting there but suddenly he heard a voice telling him to keep singing. To sing and rise his arms the highest he can, so the whole universe would glow. He opened his eyes and looked around area plunged into darkness but there was no one around. Only trees and the wind. Slowly tears came out in his eyes and he couldn’t stop crying, he knew that something was missing.

‘We are just friends!’

He realize he was in love with the voice.

"Junhyung… " He called it again and again but all he heard was the echo in the night.

Since soon it suppose to dawn somehow he made himself come back to the dorm and hoped that no one noticed his absence. To his luck when he came back everyone was still sleeping just like when he was leaving. He quietly changed his clothes again and when in the room could be seen shapes of forthcoming morning he finally fell asleep.

The next day was for him even worse so again he decided to leave the dorm in the night. Somehow he felt better when he could sit there, alone with his own thoughts. His imagination became his best friend.
His night escapades continued. Always when opportunities allowed (namely they were in the dorm and members were sleeping) he was sneaking away to that abandoned night scenery. There he could think what he wanted, do what he wanted, say what he wanted and long for whom he wanted…

It hurt him that no one suspected his absence but at the same time was thankful that no one bothered him. He realized that if someone knew, inconvenient questions would follow and his precious secret wouldn’t be safe. But again, he didn’t know how long he wanted to keep that secret undiscovered. Because with every day, or more precisely, with every night his feelings for Junhyung had been growing.

One night, after really tough day when all the time he was suppose to sit close to him for the whole recording and pretend that he is having fun, he sat in his favorite spot in the park and closed his eyes almost immediately. First thoughts that came to him were really bright. He imagined that what was going on that day wasn’t scripted, that he really had fun, that Junhyung really was laughing at his jokes, that he really was close to him as he was before, that his avoidance, soon after camera stopped rolling, wasn’t true.
When he slightly opened his eyes he saw figure standing above him. He didn’t want to look at that person, that one single person have hurt him too much.

Junhyung sat next to him and tried to grasp Yoseob’s hand but that one quickly took it away.

"Please don’t touch…" He asked weakly. Junhyung turned from him and leaned against the bench.

"Are you angry because of what I said?" No answer. "I’m sorry I said that we were just friends." Again only silence could’ve been heard and Junhyung slowly got irritated. "Stop pushing me away! What am I suppose to do for you to forgive me!?" He shouted looking at hunched figure next to him.

"Get. Out. Of. My. Head." Articulated younger boy weakly still not looking at his friend. But soon he lifted head and looked at expectant eyes. "Please, talk to me, smile… love me." The other one still only was looking at him silenced. When Yoseob gave up and again lowered his head he spoke finally.

"I was going to tell you that I hate you when I was coming here. That you are selfish. But I’m probably more selfish myself so forget about that." He began looking into surrounding them darkness. "And I always wanted to have beautiful girlfriend. Somehow you don’t match that image. "He smiled slightly and put his hand on Yoseob’s neck starting to play with his strands. "But on the other side I want you to be always by my side… like forever." He put his arm around Yoseob’s nape and pulled him on the side so the boy leaned on him. Yoseob only pressed his cheek against his chest and embraced his waist.

"Your shirt smells…" Replied Yoseob getting nearer to the other boy and that one only smacked his head brutally.

"Ah~ I was feeling for a moment like committing a kiss with you but now I’ve changed my mind entirely." Yoseob lifted his head moving his face dangerously close to Junhyung’s.

"Are you really sure about that?" He asked deviously with their noses almost touching.

"Still quite sure…" Retorted older boy smirking, feeling other breath on his skin.

"And what do I have to do for you to change that?" Asked again curiously turning his head and moving his lips to millimeters from the other one.

"You have to dance for me."Ordered

"And what do you want me to dance?" He whispered to his lips still not touching them. Suddenly a certain thought came to his mind. "Wait! May I ask you something?" Junhyung slightly nodded his head careful not to touch Yoseob. "Do you feel my breath when I’m like that? When I speak or breath." Junhyung again nodded head. "Strange, I can’t feel yours…" The older boy only smirked.

"It’s because I can’t breath when you’re so close." Yoseob cracked up and fell on the ground hearing these words.

"Yaaa… You are so funny sometimes." Admitted when standing up and brushing off dirt from his jeans. "Anyway, you wanted me to dance… what kind of dance would you like me to perform?" Asked playfully looking at smiling eyes of other.

"Hmmmm… What about something y?" Proposed defiantly but Yoseob walked to empty alley and started bending his body crazily while humming some melody. Junhyung couldn’t see his actions in any other way than funny. "Heeey, it was suppose to be y, not gross…" Complained but the other one only jumped on bench and crouched next to him again.

"I don’t know how to be y yet." Explained innocently, placing his hand on the bench behind Junhyung’s back. The older boy looked at his lips.

"And I think that either I lost my mind or you exactly know how."

Just when their lips were close to touch Yoseob’s hand slipped and he fell on Junhyung’s laps. Junhyung laughed slightly and embraced him.

"I guess it means we’re not supposed to kiss yet." Younger made a face but didn’t change his position, only clung and made himself more comfortable on other male.

"Jun-ah can we stay here forever?" Junhyung hid his face in Yoseob’s neck.

"No, but we don’t have to go anywhere for some time yet."

Petit vocalist closed his eyes and inhaled Junhyung’s scent. It wasn’t true that his shirt smelled. Although he didn’t use any perfume and cosmetics after shower his smell was pleasant, just pure Junhyung’s scent which has power to calm younger boy. He could just crank up in that fragrance.
 

Yoseob opened up his eyes and felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He pulled out his hand from his armpits and tried to grab it. His fingers as well as the whole body was frozen to stone. The sky above him had dark grey color and there was no one around him. He looked surprised at screen. It was 4.20am and Dujun was calling him.

"Hello." Yoseob’s faint voice answered the call.

"Yoseob? Where the hell are you!?" Leader’s voice was strong and very angry.

"I.. I.. don’t know." He felt warm tears forming in his eyes as he started to come to his senses.

"How can you not know where you are!?"Yelled again older boy but hearing no answer he gave up and softened a bit. "Anyway, I wanted to tell you that we are going to hospital. If you want to join us we will be in National University Hospital in Jung-gu or better call Joonkun and tell him where you are so he can find you and bring you here."

Yoseob’s eyes widened.

"Why are you going to the hospital so early in the morning?" Asked surprised and Dujun hesitated a bit with answer.

"Because that is where Junhyung was taken few minutes ago." Younger boy stood up immediately but just as fast he sat down again because of numbed legs.

"What!? Why? What happened!?" His heart started to beat loud and crazily. He was almost not able to hear his own thoughts and what was Dujun saying to him.

"If you want to know more you must wait or come to hospital. I can’t tell you anything else besides that I was woken up by Hyunseung who first noticed that something was wrong. Junhyung was suffocating, he couldn’t take one single breathe. We tried to do something and Joonkun came up too almost immediately and checked if he didn’t swallow something but there was nothing. And he still couldn’t breath. Seriously, it was terrifying sight. Especially when we couldn’t do anything to help…" His voice broke and for a moment only silence could be heard and then sigh. "Jinho-hyung took him to hospital. Hyunseung and Dongwoon are with them and me and Kikwang were supposed to find you and follow them with Joonkun-hyung but since we couldn’t find you we’ve departed already. Yoseob, why are you not at home? Do you know how scared I was? What are you doing?" All those question caused more Yoseob’s tears to fall.

"I’m so sorry. Can I explain you everything later when we meet?" Dujun agreed for that. He couldn’t be mad at his friend when he heard that one was crying.

And younger boy’s tears haven’t stop falling for a long time after they hung up. At first he wasn’t able to understand how that happened that all of those wonderful happenings that took place that night was not true. How it was only a dream when he felt Junhyung’s warm embrace, heard his laugh and his words… I want you to be always by my side… like forever. It wasn’t possible it was only his imagination. I can’t breath when you’re so close. Those were Junhyung’s words not Yoseob’s.

At least they supposed to be.

Strong sobs shook his body when he fully understood he was wrong. He wanted to hear those words so badly that dreamt them. In reality nothing like that ever happened. In reality Junhyung was hospitalized. He looked at his phone and with trembling hands chose manager’s number. Gathering all his self-control he calmed himself and gave directions to where he was. While he was waiting there lonesome and woeful there was only one thought that was clear in his mind. Or rather question.

Could unwanted love take away someone’s life?

______________________________

*source of that quotation ( http://elikafm.wordpress.com/ )