I stumbled and fell on the cold ground. The impact was bearable but the temperature isn’t; it burns my face. I struggled to stand up on my own, but my limbs are numb, so I remained there, lying face down on the frozen floor.

            I heard someone shout but I can’t make out the words they’re saying. Someone laughed and it made me want to bury my face more. I want to disappear out of thin air because of shame. I want to get out of here as fast as I can; even if that means I have to crawl on all fours. Feeling so helpless and alone, tears started falling down my face.

            I feel like I’m still that ten year old girl who was bullied at school in the new town they moved in to and can’t stand up on her own.

            No one cares; no one would come and save me.

            “She has no real parents! She has no friends! She’s all alone!” the kids would chant around me.

“Yah! Is it true you’re adopted?” one of them would ask.

            “Where are your real parents? Orphan!” another would mock.

            I’ll just cry, I’ll tell myself believing that they’d stop if they’d see me cry.

            But they didn’t.

            “Cry baby! Cry baby!” they’d shout. “Minzy is a cry baby!”

            “Stop it.” I’d whisper.

            “Oh, are you saying something?” a girl would start tugging my braids.

            “Can’t hear you!” another one would say.

            “Stop it.” I’d repeat, louder this time. “Leave me alone.”

“Look, she’s talking! She’s talking!” the girl earlier would scream, as if hearing someone talk for the first time.

            “Leave you alone?” a boy laughed. “We don’t want to. Not unless your parents would tell us to!”

            I cuddled myself with my own arms.

            They’re right, I’m all alone. Alone.

            I never knew who my biological parents are. The people who raised me said that I was left in front of their house on a winter night. I was still a new born baby by then, and they didn’t know what my name is, where I came from or when my birthday is. They don’t know anything.

            They are good in every way imaginable. They treated me as their own daughter, given that they have no child. They tried to be honest to me when I turned seven and they told me I was just adopted.

            That fact killed me. It ruined me. It made me weak and vulnerable of breaking down in depression. Although I tried to pretend I am happy because they never treated me differently, the longing for my real identity is still there.

            It’s like a hole was punched through my whole being, making me incomplete and breakable. I became an outcast after knowing the truth. The people looked at me as an insect; unwanted and unloved.  They treated me like that for two years and my adopted parents can’t take it any longer even though I told them its fine.

“We don’t want you to be hurting.” They told me one night that I came home crying. They said we should just leave that place and start afresh in a new home. I agreed to it in the end, knowing that I can’t take it any longer, too.

So we left that province and we moved here in the city. We didn’t know how our secret came out; me being adopted. The next thing I know is that every student in my new school looks down on me as if I’m some dirt that could infect them. I didn’t have the courage to tell mom and dad about it because I know that would hurt them more than it hurts me. So I’m keeping it all inside.

            I’m all alone in this fight.

            Bear with it. Bear with it. Bear with it. You can survive this.

            That’s what I always tell myself whenever I’m about to enter the school gates. I should bear with it and stay strong, but how? No one comes close to me and no one wants to be my friend. I can’t even take my classes silently because my classmates would make fun of me all the time. When I tripped at the hallway, no one would come to help me stand up again. They’d just laugh at me; the pitiful me.

            Today is like that. I’m alone and everybody else around me is laughing. I wonder why I am like this. Always alone. Always left behind.

            I could still remember that day when a new term started and I was still alone. I’m still that girl who carries an illness that could make anyone sick just by getting near me. Everyone avoided me with watchful eyes; it made me fell like an alien.

            We’ve been staying at that very same town for a year, without my parents knowing about the whole bully thing. Well, I guess I’d prefer that bully thing rather than being the infected, non-existent girl. At least, when I’m being bullied, I was quite sure they could still see me and that they’re not that scared to go away from me. I shouldn’t have even asked them to leave me alone in the first place.

            “Watch out!” a heard a boy shout that time when I was walking down the hallway. I didn’t have time to look up because I was slumped on the ground the moment he shouted.

            I heard someone shout, but it’s not audible. I heard someone laugh and it made me want to bury my face on the dirt beneath me. I tried to stand up, but my knees are trembling and my arms aren’t responding. I want to disappear out of thin air because of shame. I want to get out of there even if it means I should crawl on all fours.

            Because no one cares for me. No one would come to save me.

            “Minzy! Gwenchana?” three pair of hands appeared in front of me and I almost cried.

            Just like that time in the hallway.

            I looked up at them and smiled. I reached out for their hands and they took mine willingly.

            “Omo, you’re crying again?” Bom asked, worried.

            “M… Mi… Mianhae, I… I ju… just…” I sobbed while starting to stand up with their help.

            “Yah, we told you you’re not going to be alone again, ever. So why all the worries?” Dara crossed her arms in front of her as I managed to stand up on my own again. “We’ve been telling you the same thing for almost a decade now and you’re still thinking about the past?” she sighed. “You’re hopeless.”

            “Dara, you’re supposed to comfort her.” CL lectured.

            “I am comforting her!” she reasoned.

            I glanced at Bom and saw her shaking her head. “Still like eleven year olds.” She murmured.

            “What?!” Dara and CL said in unison.

            I laughed. Still like eleven year olds.

            Yup, they’re still the same. They also fought in front of me when they first helped me stand up in the hallway. They’re arguing who should chase the boy who ran away after spilling oil paints on the floor. I laughed so hard that time that I almost forgot that my body hurts because of the fall.

            “See? She’s laughing now because of me.” I heard Dara concluded beside me.

            “As if!” CL exclaimed grabbing my arm. I giggled more.

            “Komawo.” I said sincerely, in between my laughter and my tears. They all stopped and looked at me. “Thanks for coming back for me.” I finished as I bow down.

            I stayed like that for a few seconds but I can feel their eyes on me. When I heard one of them sigh, I stood straight.

            “We’re friends, Minzy. We won’t leave you because we care for you. No matter what, we’ll always be here.” Bom’s sweet voice murmured.

            “Yeah, she’s right. We’ll never leave you alone.” CL seconded, grinning widely at me.

            “Uh, they’re both right.” Dara’s tone was unsure and we all glanced up to her.

            She’s looking at her watch, counting. I tilted my head and waited for her to say something else. CL and Bom did the same thing.

            “What?” I questioned, being unease on the sudden silence.

            “Uh, I would really like to comfort you more Minzy and tell you how much I love you. But the skating rink is about to close in an hour and we haven’t even enjoyed anything yet!” she explained, showing us her watch.

            The three of us laughed at her words, so hard that we started falling down the ice one by one. I wipe my tears off my face and stared at them as the other two gained control and stood up on their blades again.

            “Thank you, guys. I love you too.” I hugged them as they pulled me up for the second time. “I don’t think I can stand on my own without you.” I murmured. They squeezed my arms.

            “Let’s go skate together!”” CL exclaimed as she grab a hold on Bom and my arm, leaving Dara behind.

            “Yah, don’t leave me!” Dara screeched as she caught up with us, grabbing my other arm.

            We skated together until the rink closed and we laughed endlessly. As long as they’re here, I’ll be fine and everything will be alright. Just like when we’re eleven.

rhei_07: This is for my friends. Saranghae! <3