Sweetest Avenge

written by Khaireenhilda

review by -misspeculiar

Title - ★★★✮

You got three and a half stars out of six. I gave you full points for originality and creativity because there aren't any fanfics I know of with the same title. I only gave one and a half points for grammar, though. You did spell the title correctly and it was capitalized the right way, but the way it sounds doesn't seem like ‘avenge’ is an accurate word to put there. I would suggest something like Sweetest Revenge or Sweetest Vengeance. Finally, I sadly couldn't give out any appeal points because of the way the title was awkwardly structured and the fact that it isn't the most eyecatching.

Description & Foreword - ★★★★★

You earned five stars out of six! You were given full credit for presentation since this is a short story and I believe only a small amount of information should be put into the description or else you're in danger of saying too much. I took off half a point for appeal because when I read your description, it didn't really capture my attention. It actually made me believe Jessica was going to be one of those overdramatic characters that I don't like, but I pushed away the thoughts so I could find out later when I'm reading. I also took away half a point for grammar because in your foreword, the second and third sentence don't really need any commas.

Plot - ★★✮

You got two and a half stars out of four. For the originality and creativity section of your writing, I deducted half a point because feeling grief over a heartbreak isn't something really new. Of course, there were parts that you made your own, so I didn't take away all your points. As for my enjoyment, I only awarded one point out of the two because there were times when I became bored with the plot, which I'll bring up in the flow section. The subject of suicide is a touchy subject because I have my strong opinions against it. I do commemorate you for writing a story that doesn't have a happy ending, though. In my opinion, those kinds of stories are harder to write because they usually tend to have a lot of angst and you have to explain the characters feelings as if the reader could almost see that person in pain their self. I thought you did a splendid job capturing that. I also believer stories that don't have the happiest ending or mood don't get as much attention as stories that do, which might not be good to keep you motivated to write. I'm glad that didn't get in the way of your progress. Do continue to write!

Characterization - ★★★★✮

You earned four and a half stars out of six! This category is out of six because a main character is out of two points and I decided that Jessica, Heechul, and Kibum were the main characters. We'll start with Jessica then, if that's alright with you. She's the cold and arrogant type, which isn't really all that original. She does prove to have a heart though when she cried after knowing what happened to the boy she thoughtlessly rejected. Unfortunately, I could see the moment where she commits suicide coming before I even read it, therefore I couldn't really give Jessica a point for originality and creativity. Still, the fact that I was able to gather that information about her traits, I would say her presentation was laid out well and gave you the point for that.

Next, onto Heechul, I thought you presented him nicely as well. He was sweet to Jessica at first, getting her whatever she liked and such to the point where she described him as the perfect boyfriend, but it was all just a trick so he could go ahead and break her heart like she did to his brother. I don't think Heechul would've been so mean if Jessica hadn't done that. I could grasp his personality, so I gave him his deserved full point for presentation. You gave him traits like vengeful, handsome, and clever. In conclusion, I gave him a deserved point for originality. As for Kibum, the only parts we got to hear from him were in the beginning where he confessed, when Heechul explained how he talked about Jessica, and in the note, so I was debating whether or not to include him as a main character, and as you can see, I have decided to do so. We didn't get to know too much about Kibum, but I think what we have learned about him is sufficient enough and gave him his point for presentation. As for originality, he's halfway there, hence him receiving half a point. I didn't like the fact that he committed suicide after being rejected by his first love. I think that since it's just his first love, it should not want to make him die, but possibly even motivate him more to do better so he could receive love back from his future crush. He's got to get over Jessica anyway since it's not really love if someone in the relationship feels like the emotions are forced. …I also think I'm taking this character too seriously. In all seriousness though, I've seen this type of character before, but it's the little things about him that you came up with on your own that made me decide to not take all the points for the originality aspect of Kibum away.

Spelling & Grammar - ★★★

You got three stars out of four. The only issues I found that I think I may need to bring up and will just to be safe are something with your quotation format and word tenses. To begin, you only use one ending mark at the end of your quotation. This is what I see you often do: “Heechul isn't coming to the party?,” she asked, and it is incorrect. To fix it, all you'd simply have to do is take away the comma after the question mark. Your word tenses aren't always precise as well. If you start out a sentence in one sentence, it's naturally supposed to stay that tense throughout the whole phrase, though there are some exceptions, but I'll stick to the basics in hope that I don't confuse you. You can usually change verbs into past tense by adding -ed. You can usually change verbs into future tense by adding will in front of the verb. I found a website (here) that goes more into detail in terms of how the spelling will change in verbs when you change their tense and yet another one (here) that shows how and when to use which tense. Everything else is minor, like you put a comma where it's not needed or it inexplainably doesn't sound natural when a native English speaker like myself reads it—which I suppose you can't help unless you just study and memorize  the English language—and such, but if you'd like to go over your story and check for mistakes, by all means go ahead.

Flow - ★★✮

You earned two and a half stars out of four. I believe that there were lots of different time intervals, but for the sake of your story's structure, I didn't have much of a problem with it. However, sometimes I thought a couple of tiny scenes here and there weren't that important or necessary and deducted half a point for transitions. That could just be your writing style though, so don't let that comment effect you much. I took away one whole point because at times I wasn't very appalled by the things going on. For example, when Heechul was explaining that Kibum was his brother and what happened to him, it seemed that the moment seemed to play on for a long time and I got a little bored. Maybe that's just your style and you intended for it to be like that to stress the importance of what Jessica has done, but I think a writer should be able to get a point across in a reasonable amount of sentences.

Comments

Hello! I can't thank you enough for being so patient in waiting for your request. This must be ridiculous getting it at this time because your story is only two chapters, so I understand completely if you aren't satisfied. If you aren't satisfied with your score, don't worry your pretty little head about it. I'm a single person with a single idea in this big world. There are others who will disagree with my opinion. Anway, please do comment and credit! I hope you have an amazing day. c:

Total - 20.5/30 or 68%