You'll Never Forget How Much You Love Him
Love To Those Who Have Past
When a person is alive, we can often forget to show our love for them. We argue and say things we might not mean. We do things that we should not have done and we think of other things, which we believe is more important than being with that person.
When you learn that someone's sick, let's say that the person gets lung cancer, you become shocked and then you become afraid. You start to care more about him, afraid that one day he'll disappear. You think more about how he moves, does he breathe heavier? Has he lost weight ? If the starts to cough, you get a lump in your belly, it feels as if he is suffocating. Every sense is on edge. You feel ready to call an ambulance at any second. When the phone rings, you expect someone to tell you that the person is admitted to hospital.
Once treatment begins so should probably feel a little relieved right? That something is done about the situation? You don't. You become frightened by the hair that was once so thick but is now beginning to resemble a sparse growth forest. The person becomes more and more tired, and when you're told that the tumor has not decreased, your heart sink like a stone. Going to work feels heavy and your thoughts often slips away. Is he right? Does he hurt? If you wouldn't feel love for him, you wouldn't think about this. Sure, you might spend a brief thought feeling sorry for him but nothing more. You wouldn't have a lump in your throat when the phone call actually comes. He has been delivered to hospital. You wouldn't run to your car as fast as possible. It would just be something you think was sad.
When you get to the hospital and go to his room, you shed no tears. You know that he will no longer be in pain. You're quiet and try to be strong, your voice as quiet as a whisper. You try to talk about everything except what 's happening right here, right now. You can feel a lump in your throat, you know it will soon be over.
You would never be able to be in this room by yourself. It feels too heavy and you do not want to break down. Not now. His breathing is deep and strained, he looks so fragile. Almost like a nestling. A long, deep breath and a slow exhalation occurs. You listen and listen but no more sounds coming. You feel paralyzed. Your thoughts spins. Is it over now? Is he really gone? The family member or friend next to you turns to you.
"I think it's over now ... "
The lump in your belly grows and your heart feels squeezed . The tears start welling up and you cry in silence. Unable to produce a sound. You are desperate and can not really understand.
How can it be over? If I only had one more day.
You know you have to call everyone. Tell them that the love of your life is gone. You cry more now. You'll be driven home and your family member or friend will stay with you. You are in shock now.
Days pass and everything feels wrong. The person you woke up next to is no longer there. Your heart feels empty . You are slow to heal, you just go by his things rather then put them in boxes. You can take care of them later. You do not shed as many tears anymore, you just feel empty.
Then comes the funeral. Even when you're standing outside the room you feel the lump in your throat grow bigger. You try not to think about it. Everyone's talking to each other. They talk about happy things. They try to avoid the subject that lies behind the closed doors. The ceremony begins and the doors open. Everyone becomes quiet and you and your family go first, as if it were a proud position . One step and one glance is all it takes to once again feel the sorrow. Two steps and everything comes back. Three steps and you no longer want to be here. Four steps and the tears are running down your cheeks. You sit at the front and force yourself to look at the coffin. It has flowers on top of it and around it. An acoustic version of Everlong by the Foo Fighters might be played and you sob loudly. Words are spoken from former colleagues and then you get to go up to the coffin. You may put your hand on it, a last farewell. To the left of your hand someone might put a letter. A letter to the deceased. A child's handwriting adorns the envelope.
You do not know if you felt the most grief at the passing or the funeral. But you felt the most remorse a few months later. You wish you had spent more time with him. Told him "I love you" more often. We all regretted things but this sort of repentance has to be the worst. The remorse you can never apologize for .
Six months pass and you live your life. Some feel guilty because they started to move on. Others do not. You might sit often at the memorial garden in the spring and winter? You might cry again? A bird might sit on the stone where the water run slowly in the summer ? And you might think, " Is that you? Did you hear me ? '.
A cold gust of wind is my cheek while thin flakes of snow float down from the sky above me. I stretch out my hand and catch one, like I've done so many times before. It melts quickly and soon all that remains is a small puddle in the middle of my palm. My gaze back to the lighted candle that stands in front of the stone where water runs down in the summers. It is a candle amongst many, but for me it shines extra bright . Almost as bright as the smile you once had.
I hardly remember your smile anymore, but in my dreams I sometimes see it as clearly as then. Memories have started to fade away, it was so long ago now. Your name that once rolled off my tongue so easily hardly ever leave my lips anymore. It's as if they've forgotten how to.
I turn my head to the sky and close my eyes. With a trembling voice I whisper
"Chanyeol"
It drains a tear down my cheek when your name is said. The few memories I have left of us is playing in my head. I cry silently in the cold winter night, amongst candles and silence. My heart feels heavy again .
"Chanyeol"
'Even if you start to forget some memories, you'll never forget how much you love him...'
- Byun Baekhyun
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