I drag my feet hastily, inhaling the cold air under the snowy night sky right in front of my apartment building. I stare at the sky blankly, no stars are blinking, no moon is sparkling, it has closed his eyes, perhaps, but it’s still bright enough due to the city lights despite the time and merry enough since the snowflakes has been falling since morning and unlikely to stop till the end of this week. I shared a quick glance at my watch. It’s 02:00 A.M already. I take a deep breath and pull up my hoodie, snatching the handle of the suitcase behind me and start walking and dragging the suitcase to the roadside just to stop a cab.

I get into the cab and voice out my intended destination “Han River”. The driver nods and starts the engine to quickly take me there. I can only stare the view outside the window seat. It is like seeing things inside an aquarium, observing various things people do, noticing different expressions people make under the dim city lights. It is never strange to see this kind of crowded situation during midnight time in a city like Seoul. The more I tow my body close to the window, the more steam my breath makes on the window. My lips are pale, shading a grayish blue color. It starts stuttering a little not sure whether it is because of the cold weather or . . . . . FEAR. But, no matter how cold it feels, I never put on a single smile or pout. My face is stiff to form any simplest expressions, but inside . . . my body is tearing apart.

The cab has just passed a café where You and I used to spend our afternoon together, sipping hot chocolate or coffee, connecting each other’s fingers, leaning against each others, blabbering stuff from sweet talks, serious talks until s and we would end up laughing hard while slapping the table till it caused people to stare at us. You used to put my hands in your pocket, keep them warm not only with your coat’s fabric but also with the grips of your big hand. Your hands were as cold as mine, but to feel the touch of it, it felt warmer than summer.

I scrub both of my hands, imagining your presence so it will feel warmer but to no avail, nothing can really replace your warmth. Without you, I can never feel the exact same warmth anymore. Your touch was warming, your embrace was comforting, and your grip is convincing, they are like saying “Everything’s alright” without a single word.

As I go back to where we were in the past, I start to remember your deep low voice. It’s not like I remember (I will never forget it) but it’s like~ I want to hear it, I miss it and I even would like to have a bottle of your voice if I could. Your voice is……………..nice, encouraging and a total turn on if I may add. I miss the way you whisper softly, the way you brush your voice against my sensitive ears. It was ticklish, but I like the feeling……like a lot.

My brain starts tracing more and more figures of yours, your tall body, your broad shoulder, and your plump lips. I like the taste of it on mine. I would bite onto it once or twice whenever we shared a kiss and you would devour my cavern more in return, or in revenge (for the bites i did) i guess since it used to be wilder than any other deep kisses.

I bite my bottom lip. I miss our kiss, our playful kiss which we used to share within our laughter. Speaking of which, it’s been four months since our last spending time for some coffee. It’s been two months since our last laughing together and it’s been an hour and a half since our last kiss. But the recent kiss felt so empty, tasteless and a bit forceful since it was a kiss of rejection, a kiss of giving up, if I may say.

I scrunch my nose when the cab stops near the park. I my pocket for the tax, and give more than it’s supposed to be. I know it’s such a pain to help me lift the suitcase from the baggage car.

“Thanks!”, the driver smiles as he lifts his cap a little in gratitude.

I gaze blankly at the view of the river. It’s freezing and I still force my stiff and tired body to move along with the suitcase. I walk and walk along the path, spacing out on my moving feet, not care what comes to me, not care about the icy snowflakes hitting my face and not care about my frozen, stiff feet though I still perfectly manage to walk in steady pace. I finally arrive on the riverbank. I sit down and glance at my sling back.

“It’s the time.”, I mumble to myself, pull out a fresh cold bottle of soju. It’s indeed freaking cold, causing me hard times opening the lid.

I then sip some, “Ahhhh~~”, I hiss a sound of satisfaction. I lay my body down on my suitcase, “Baby~ I miss you already”.

*three hours ago*

“You’re kidding, aren’t you?”, he deeply looked into my eyes and then smiles a little. “Your jokes has never been this funny, Babe!”, he held my hand.

“No, Chanyeol! I’m not kidding!”, I let go of your hand and stood out. “ Let’s go there together! I heard it’s a nice place to live in. We can live our lives in any way we want. And………..”

“You must be tired”, he rose from his seat, trying another attempt to grab my wrist.

“I AM FINE, PARK CHANYEOL!”, I shouted, avoiding his grip. “I’m serious, I am ing serious”, I continue with teary eyes.

“But baby~ we…we don’t have to do that, there are still another ways to keep our relationship, a good and normal way. You’re still in your sober state, aren’t you?”, he scooted closer to me, smelling if there was any soju smell around my face.

“You’re right. I’m tired. I’m tired of all this. I’m tired of being looked down, insulted, abused, and attacked by your rude fans” my tears started to fall, I couldn’t take it anymore. “I’m tired of your managers brainstorming you to break me up. I’m tired of your lame excuses for your coming late in our every date. I want to end it right here right now, I can’t lose you, but……. “ he leaned closer, his hand gently wiped my falling tears and stared me in worry, “but……I have no choice but to break up with you, yet you always reject this idea of breaking up, saying that everything will be alright but in fact you just don’t understand what kind of pains I feel here. Now I come up with the most perfect idea one can think of so that we can stay together forever, but seems things will never fit in your perfect self, Park Chanyeol.”, I took a deep breath, blew my nose to clear my rainy nostril. I sobbed….hard, in his warm embrace.

“Calm down, Baby! Calm down! Don’t cry!”, he parted our body.

“Yes or No?”, I demanded a firm answer from him. I never liked this side of him, he never came to a clear decision, always be this volatile and indecisive.

He inhaled deeply and pecked my lips softly, “we can fix this little by little! Protection will be provided just for you and my hyungs, they just care about my future career, they never actually care about my love, especially things connected to you..”

“So it’s a no?”, I asked again

“Everything will be alright. I promise!”, he kissed the remaining tears in my eyelashes as I shut my eyes off and hugged him tight, mumbling an inaudible “I love you”.

Ring…ring…

His phone rang and he quickly pulled it out from his pocket, uttering a “wait!” before walking to the window of my bedroom.

I watched his back intensely, my vision got the sudden blur. I slowly walked to the drawer near me, and pick a knife in one of the drawer. I walked towards him and heartlessly stabbed his bare defenseless back. Thrice.

I wiped his blood on my face, tasting it a little, “As sweet as you”, I said.

*han river*

After taking few sips of soju, I the suitcase, letting out a body, no, a corpse of a guy who is actually my own boyfriend, covered with a little blood on his body. Of course, I have cleaned the crazy amount of blood running heavily after stabbing him. I haul his body, I even hardly move my own body, but in my sober state, I’m sure I can do almost everything with power from nowhere, including dragging him along to the edge of the river.

I opened another soju from my bag. I plant it on my dead boyfriend’s lips and hold the other bottle for myself. “FOR US!”, I growl breaking the cold night. I drink the remaining soju and forcefully dig the other soju into his mouth until there’s nothing left in the bottle.

I smile in satisfaction but somehow my eyes let out more and more tears which makes me laugh bitterly. I take out a knife from my bag, still plastered with Chanyeol’s dried blood.

“I told you before, only paradise can save our love and it’s the only place where we can live happily ever after. We will still remain as shining persons”, I wipe my tears away.

Under the dark shade of painful night, I stab myself on the stomach. Thrice. As many stabs as when I stabbed him.

I breathe heavily with the remaining consciousness and smile “See….. I…..I’m not….. cry…inghhh…..!”.

-          THE END -