I leaned on the wall at the hallway, watching the people passing by. I decided to wait for _____ today. It had been a week since I last waited for her like this. We usually went to eat when she ended her class. I sighed, and looked at my phone wallpaper. It was a picture of me and her. Even though I have Chorong now but deep inside me I still love _____. I couldn’t let her go so easily. She was my everything, we had been through a lot for the one year we were together.

She was a really sweet and nice girl. She never complained when I cancelled our dates, arrived late on our dates and didn’t answer her calls or texts. She was a patient girl who understands me so well. I don’t know why I decided to look for another girl than her. Maybe because of that…. Because she was too nice. I don’t know. I felt sometimes that I’m a really bad guy for treating her like that. To me, I’m still young and I still don’t know who my soul mate will be. So it was not wrong to try another girl other than her.

But it still feels wrong sometimes…

“Woohyun oppa!” A girl voice woke me up from my train of thoughts. I looked up and smiled a bit, putting back my phone inside my pocket before she could see it. “Chorong-ah.”

“What are you doing here? Are you waiting for me?” She beamed and batted her eyelashes.

I shook my head slowly. “Sorry Chorong-ah, but actually I’m waiting for _____.” I said honestly.

Her bright smiled turned into a frowned. “I see you didn’t break up with her yet.” She said sternly.

“Chorong-ah…” I called her name but she already walked away. I sighed and looked at my watched. Ten more minutes before _______ class ended. I hesitated whether to go to Chorong or wait for _____ here. A big part of me wanted to wait for her but my mind wanted to follow Chorong. I decided to follow Chorong and talked to her. Maybe if we could settle this thing quickly, I could walk back to the hallway and waited for ______.

“Chorong-ah.” I finally caught up with her and held her arm. I spun her around and she looked at me angrily. “What do you want?” She asked and looked away while crossing her arms on her chest.

“Baby, let’s talk about this.” I said gently to her.

“What is there to talk about?” She asked. I looked around us and this was not a good place to talk. People were walking around and who knows if _____ saw us. I grabbed her wrist and dragged her inside an empty class, Performing Art Class. I ignored her protest and dragged her to the back of the class.

“Let go of me!” She shouted and yanked back her wrist.

“Chorong…” I tried to touch her when she pushed me away.

“Chorong-ah, baby listen to me.” I tried calling her again gently this time. Chorong turned away from me with a big frowned on her face. “You said you will break up with _____, but why are you still hanging out with her?” Chorong asked angrily.

I heaved a sighed. I held both of Chorong shoulders and turned her to face me. “Baby, I need time to break up with her.” I said to her as gently as possible.

“Time? Oppa, we’ve being dating for three months now. How much time do you need? I don’t want to share you with some other girl.” Chorong said and crossed her arms with an angry pouted.

I looked away from her and bit my lip. How am I supposed to break up with _____? My feelings for her are genuine. I still love here until now, but what if she knew that I cheated on her? She would be so devastated. She trusted me with her whole heart and she never looked at other guy than me. Maybe I should let her go… A guy like me does not suitable for a girl like her.

She is a loyal, sweet, and caring girl. While for me, sometimes I ignored her and be with my friends… I even cheated on her now…

This is for the best… I want her to find a guy better than me…

“Araso, I’ll break up with her.” I looked at her with a small smiled. Chorong brightened up and she stared at me hopefully. ”Really? When?” She asked me suspiciously. I my lips nervously and swallowed a lump in my throat.

“Today” I answered.

“Really? You promise?” Chorong beamed. I nodded my head. “Promise.” I smiled at her and leaned in, lowered my head and captured her lips with mine. I wrapped my arms around her slim waist while she rested her arms around my neck. I tightly held her waist and deepened the kiss, trying to forget the sudden pain I felt in my heart.

-------------------

The talked with Chorong took longer than I thought. When I went back to the hallway ______ was nowhere to be found. She must have gone to her other class already. I should talk to her when all class ended.

Inside my class, I couldn’t really concentrate on what the teacher said. I kept making mistakes on question that the lecturer gave me. I kept thinking how should I encounter _____ and talked to her about this. I don’t want to hurt her but I got no other choice. I don’t want to keep hurting her like this. I know she must have felt about the distance that I kept with her lately. How I acted around was different from before. Than keeping her hurt like this, it was better to end this.

Finally all my classes were done. I looked at my watch and quickly ran out from the class. I went to her last class for today but she was not there. I walked to the hallway, my eyes wandered around to look for that one person. But she was not there, I walked out from the campus and that was where I saw her, walking slowly with her head down. I called out her name and she stopped on her track.

With a smiled I walked to her and called her name again. I stood in front of her and looked at her worriedly. “Are you okay?” I asked her, concerned. She looked kind of pale and her dark circles were so visible. Of course she told me before that she easily got dark circles and I saw it too. But this one was different; it was like she cried a while ago.

She smiled a bit and nodded, indicating that she was fine.

“Umm… There’s something I need to tell you.” I said a little bit nervous. I rubbed the back of my neck and avoided her eyes.

“What is it Woohyun oppa?” She asked gently with her kind smile that I like the most. I felt my throat dried up and my heart squeezed in pain.

“What about we take a seat first?” I said to her and she nodded. We walked together to the nearest bench and sat there. I sat a little bit far from her. I clenched my fists and looked down on the floor. I took a deep breath and looked at her who lowered her head.

“_____-ah.” I called her, grabbing her attention. She lifted up her head and looked at me with those innocent eyes. “Actually… I have another girl.” I finally said those words that would hurt her. I looked at her for her reaction, but she was expressionless. I took a deep breath and continued, “We’ve being together for three months already.” I added and she just kept quiet. Why won’t she say anything?

“I know this might be hard for you, but let’s-“

“Don’t.” She cut my words. I stared at her and she continued. “Don’t say it. I already know.”

My eyes widened. “You knew?” She nodded her head. “I went to your class to look for you, I didn't mean to eavesdrop… It just happened to be like that.” She said and looked down on her laps. She knew… She heard… but why she’s not mad at me? She supposed to be yelling at me, calling me bad names, slapped me on the face or something. But why she didn’t do it? This was killing me inside. I rather she screamed at me then just kept quiet like this. I heaved a long sighed.

“One more day.”  She said and I looked up at her. Her eyes were teary

I furrowed my eyebrows looking confused. “Just give me one more day to love you, one more day for me to feel your love once more.” She begged me and I just stared at her with my eyes widened. How could she do this? Doesn’t she care about her pride? Why she has to be nice until the end? This is killing me inside.

“Please…” Her voice came out as whispered. How could I reject her when she said it like this?

“Araso.” I nodded and she forced herself a small bitter smiled. “Thank you Woohyun oppa.”

-----------------

I looked at myself in front of the mirror. This day would be the last date I have with ______. And after that we would become strangers again. I went to her house and she opened the door. She looked beautiful in a light blue dress. She always beautiful in whatever she wears, because she was beautiful in the inside as well.

“Woohyun oppa.” She said with her cheerful voice and with a bright smiled

“Annyeong, this is for you.” I handed her a bouquet of white roses that she love. “Thank you Woohyun oppa, I love it.” She said

“I know. It’s your favorite right?” I said to her and she nodded. Then she excused herself to put the flowers away. After a few minutes, she came back and went on the date.

We went to the amusement park. This place was the place where we had our first date. I bought the tickets for the two of us and we went inside the amusement park. There were many people there. Friends, family and couples were having fun there.

“Where do you want to go first?” I asked and looked at her with a tender smiled. She tapped her lips while thinking. A habit of her every time when she was thinking, I always thought that little action of her was cute. “Let’s go to the roller coaster!” She said excitedly and dragged me to the ride without waiting for my decision. We get in the line and waited for our turn. I looked at her and she looked so excited. Of course, it was her favorite ride of all.

“I remembered how you were afraid of the roller coaster ride.” I said.

“I was, but not anymore.” She said beaming.

“I remembered how you scream the loudest among others. You held my hands so tight that I felt like my blood didn't flow.” I and chuckled at the memory. “And you puked on the worker too.” I added and burst into laughter. She pouted and slapped my arm. “Oppa! You’re so mean!” She looked the other way looking mad.

“Oww! That’s hurt.” I rubbed my arm where she just hit with a smiled. Actually it didn’t hurt at all.

“Don’t be mad at me. I was just joking around. I wonder if the worker is still working here.” I again and looked at the front to look for the worker.

“Big fat meanie.” She muttered under her breath and walked past me to the roller coaster because it was our turn.

“_____! Wait for me!” I shouted and followed her. I saw her giggled a bit and it warmed my entire heart. . Soon the roller coaster began to move and we scream our lungs out.

We went to various rides and I enjoyed every one of them. I will treasure every single time we spent together as a couple for the last time. After playing at the amusement park, we decided to go eat.

“Where do you want to eat?” I asked and looked at her.

“Hmm… Let’s eat… Ddubokki!” She said excitedly and I chuckled. I pinched her cheek. “Aigoo… Always excited for ddubokki huh? Okay, let’s go.” I held her hand and led the way. I just love the way her small hand fit in mine. I felt like I had found the missing puzzled. A few minutes later we arrived at the ddukbokki stall.

“_____-ah.” I called her name and she seems to snap out from her thoughts. She looked up and blinked at me. “Yes?”

I lightly knocked on her forehead. I usually did this when she seems to day dreaming, she always did it. She winced. “Oppa, what was that for?” She pouted and rubbed her sore forehead.

“That is a punishment for always daydreaming. When will you change?” I shook my head playfully and she glared at me. She looked away with an annoyed face. I smiled gently but slowly it turned into a frown, after this date there would no more of her cute pouting and sulking, no more her sweet laughter, no more her beautiful voice… I wished the time can stop so that I could enjoy this date longer…

I stabbed a ddukbokki with a toothpick and held it in front of her face. She turned to look at me. “Hey, don’t be mad at me. I was just kidding. You know I like you just the way you are.” I said gently

She smiled at me and I stared into her brown orbs. She looked so pure and fragile that I wanted to protect her. Especially her heart, I want to protect it.

“Come on, eat it. My hand is tired.” I whined a bit and she chuckled. She opened and I popped it inside .

-----------------

After a long day, the date finally came to an end. We walked side by side but we didn’t hold each other hands. I was glad I didn’t hold it, because I felt like, if I held it, I didn’t want to let go.

After a few more minutes walking, we finally arrived at her house. I walked her to the door and we stopped. She turned around to face me with a small smiled.

“I had fun today Woohyun oppa. Thank you.” She said but she didn’t meet my eyes. She just looked at her interlaced fingers in front of her.

“No problem.” I said barely a whispered.

“Thank you for giving me one more day to love you, and one more day for me to feel your love. I will never forget all the memories that I had with you oppa. I will cherish it until I found someone other than you. But I don’t think I can even find someone other than you. You will remain as the most precious memories to me, my first love.” She said gently. No… You have to find someone else so that you could be happy.

“I’m sorry-.”

“Don’t say you’re sorry. It’s not your fault Woohyun oppa. People will found their soul mate one day, but looks like I’m not your soul mate.” She said with a small bitter smiled. I clenched my fists tightly until it turned pale. I badly wanted to hold her in my arms and comfort her, but what if I couldn’t let her go.

I saw her hands trembling and I knew she was trying to hold in her tears. Just one more time…

I went closed to her and wrapped my arms around her. Her head was on my chest.

“You should know that I think you are one special girl to me and you still am. Any guy will be lucky to have you.” I said sincerely to her. Finally tears escaped from her eyes and I could feel my shirt wet with her tears. “Woohyun oppa…” She whimpered between her sobs and I tightened my hugged.

Please time… Just stop for a while, so that I could hold her like this for a long time. I buried my nose in her hair, inhaling her scent for the last time.

After seven minutes she finally stopped crying. I want to hold her longer, but I couldn’t hold her back like this. If I wanted to let her go that I should let her go. It took all of my strength to let go of the hugged. I looked at her and wiped her tears away. I stared at her gently and leaned down to give a soft kiss on her forehead….  A last kiss…

I pulled away and gave a small bitter smiled. “Be happy and find a better guy than me.”

----------------

I went to college next day and I didn’t see _______ anywhere. I must have hurt her a lot. I felt slightly regret that I hurt her… Who am I kidding? I regretted it a lot. It caused me so much pain just thinking about her. She meant a lot to me.

She was there with me every time when I needed her; she was there to cheer me up. She always tried to make me happy. Even though I snapped at her sometimes, but she was never mad at me. I wonder if I could find a girl like her.

But a girl like her deserved happiness. She doesn’t deserve a guy like me. It was true that I paid full attention to her at first. But when our relationship reached three months, I started to ignore her and went out with my friends. I thought that she already became mine, so what was there to worry about? I thought that she would always stayed by my side.

I always set my mind like that until I met Chorong. She was a beautiful girl that every guy fell for, a little bit social and she was not shy like ______.

Maybe because of that mind set I started dating someone else after nine months relationship with ______.

But Chorong didn’t want to share me with another girl. So I got no choice but to let _____ go. She could find a better guy than me because she was a nice girl. Any guy would be lucky to have her.

It had been three days she didn’t come to college. I started to worry about her. Is she okay? Is she sick? Did I hurt her so much that she didn’t want to see me anymore? So that’s why she didn’t come to college?

So many thoughts running in my mind about her, I decided to go to her house after my classes ended. I wanted to see her whether she was fine or not. Because I don’t know why but I had a bad feeling about something…

----------------

I arrived at her house, the house felt empty. Her parents’ car was not park at the garage. My eyes wandered around the house. Maybe her parents were out. I raised my fist to knock on the door but suddenly the door was opened, a person came out from the house.

“Woohyun hyung.” He said with his eyes widened.

“Daehyun, what are you doing here?” I asked him but he just looked at me with sad eyes. I realized that he wore a black suit like he was going to the cemetery

“I came to get something here.” He answered.

“Is ______ home?” I asked carefully. I really have a bad feeling about this.

“Hyung, I think you should come with me.” Daehyun said sadly.

“What? Why? To where?” I asked him.

“Just come, you’ll know it later. Come on.” Daehyun said and walked passed me. I followed behind him and went inside his car. The drive was quiet, none of us speak anything. I became more nervous in every second. This bad feeling became clearer and clearer, I felt my heart suffocating. I clenched my fists and tried to steady my heart beat.

After fifteen minutes, we arrived at a place.

“We’re here.” Daehyun said quietly and went out from the car. I quietly walked out from the car too. I followed Daehyun from behind. Now I know where we are… We were at the cemetery. My eyes widened and my heart beat became faster. Why are we here? Why did Daehyun bring me here? Who died?

We walked to the hill, passing every grave. Finally we arrived at a grave. I saw _____ parents standing at one of the grave. Her mom was crying on her dad’s shoulder. Her dad patted his wife back gently while looking at the grave in front of him. We walked to them and they noticed us. Daehyun bowed to them. “Ommonim, abeonim.”

“Daehyun-ah, you brought Woohyun.” Her dad smiled sadly at me. Her mom stopped crying and gave me a small smiled.

“Annyeonghaseyo ommonim, abeonim.” I bowed to them. I was still confused what happened. Whose grave is this?

“______ will be so happy to know that you came.” Her dad said.

“Where… Is she?” I asked carefully. Somehow I had a feeling that their answer will make me feel hurt.

Her dad didn’t say anything but just move his eyes to the grave in front of him. I gulped down my saliva and gathered my courage to look at the grave. My eyes widened looking at the words that were engraved on the stone.

It was her name…

I felt my knees weaken and I fell on my knees in front of the grave. “How could this happen? She was fine three days ago… How could this happen?” I asked barely a whispered. Her dad put a hand on my shoulder.

“I should tell you this…. ______ was suffering from a last stage of brain cancer. She… She closed her eyes this morning. She didn’t tell you because she didn’t want you to worry. After all this while you were with her, she was wearing a wig to cover up everything.” I heard her dad explained.

I felt my heart twisted in pain. Why did she have to suffer this alone? Why didn’t she tell me? Now I know why lately she always looked pale, I also saw her taking pills. But that time she just said that it was cold pills. I remembered when a strand of hair fell off on her fingers when she touched her hair. All of it made sense now. How could I be so selfish and left her when she needed me the most? What kind of boyfriend am I?

“Woohyun-ah, thank you for making my daughter smiled until her last breath. She told me about you a lot. She really loves for you, even on her last breath she said your name.” Her dad said.

I just sat there numbly on the grass. Her dad gave me a last patted on the shoulder and they left the place. Daehyun came near me. “Hyung, _____ wanted me to give you this.” He said and handed me a letter. “I went to the house to get this letter. I wanted to give it to you after I came here but you came to her house first. Be strong Woohyun hyung and don’t blame yourself for this.” He squeezed my shoulder and left the place, leaving me alone there.

My hands trembled as I opened the letter. I saw her neat handwriting and my tears finally dropped, wetting the letter than I was holding.

To my first love Woohyun oppa,

            By the time you read this, I may be not being here anymore. I’m going to be somewhere else, somewhere really far where you couldn’t see me anymore. Woohyun oppa, you know that I love you with my whole heart right? And you know I always will be. You are my first love and the best boyfriend that I can ever get. Thank you for loving me. Now, that I’m not here, please be happy. Chorong unnie is a nice girl. I even had a talk with her before at the hospital. Don’t be mad at her about this okay, because I told her to not say anything about this. Don’t blame yourself for everything that happened. It is not your fault, you didn’t know anything and I decided to keep it to myself too.

            That last date was the best day of my life. I don’t know you remember it or not, but that day was our 1^st year anniversary. I was happy that I got to celebrate it with you. Thank you for spending that one more day with me.

            I’m sorry I didn’t tell you my sickness, because I didn’t want to drag you in this. I don’t want you to stay beside me because you felt sorry for me. I want you to be happy and move on with your life.

Even though I’m not here anymore, but I will always be by your side.

Be happy Woohyun oppa, my last love

5 years later…

I set down the white roses on the grave and did my bowed to it. Then I sat on the grass, smiling looking at the grave like she was really in front of me.

“Annyeong, how are you today? I’m fine as always.” I said while plucking out some grass that was stuck on the stone. “It had been a month since I last visit you. I missed you. I’m sorry I didn’t get to visit you more often.” I looked up at the stone with a small sad smiled.

“It had been 5 years since you left. I still feel like you still right beside me. I guess you keep your promise to stay beside me.” My eyes started to wet with tears. A tear dropped from my left eye. I wiped it away and kept on my smiled.

“Chorong and I are engaged now, we will get married next month. I hope you will pray for our happiness up there.” I looked down on my engagement ring. “I may sound selfish and idiot right now, but I was hoping that this was our engagement ring. Not mine and Chorong.” I chuckled a bit. “I know, I know. If you were here you must had hit my arm already. Sorry…” My voice became a whisper as I said the word sorry.

“I’m still blaming myself for everything that happen, even though you told not me to. You must had been frustrated with me right? I never listen to you. But you never get angry with me… even until the end…” I got up and dust my pants.

“I got to go now. But I promised I’ll come visit you again. I love you _____-ah.” I said and turned around.

“I love you too Woohyun oppa.”

I turned around with wide eyes and looked at the grave. A wind slowly passed by and hit my cheeks gently. I felt like a soft hand touched my cheek. A smiled grew on my face. I looked at the grave one more time, turned around and left the place with a lightened heart