The thing is, what hurt me the most is that I have feelings for him.  Whether it be like or love; I genuinely have feelings for him. And another thing is, I doubt he'd care. Knowing that he has no more emotion at all, well.. Barely. 

"Jongin, do you want to go get dinner together?" I ask him, while he's slouching on his couch. He just shrugged and gave me an expressionless look. It's always been like this - always been so distant towards everything - his parents, his family, his friends and me. The only thing he really pays attention to is this diary he writes in. 

Ever since he was diagnosed with depression, his doctor told him to keep a diary to write things in; things that he couldn't tell anybody else. But, he didn't need a diary; he already had and has someone he could tell things to, to vent to, to be there for him. He just needs to realise I am here. Sometimes, I wish I could read his diary. I'm envious of a diary, for goodness sake. It held secrets, and specks of his inner self. It held his problems, and the key to set him free from his misery.

There was a time when I almost led my hands on his 'book of depression.' His eyes widened and he abruptly ran and slapped my hand away. My hand was bruised a little at his rough gesture and his nail had left a small scar on my hand. It weirdly made a moon shape, ha. I could still remember the guilt in his eyes and when he swallowed his saliva, as his Adams apple bobbed nervously. He was obviously lost on what to do and shocked by his sudden actions. So, he pulled me into a hug. A hug, which felt like it, lasted forever. A hug, which unlocked so many, locks inside me. I remember myself smiling on his shoulder, and I could remember his fast breathing. I don't know what brought me to do this but I his hair, out of comfort for him. On the spur of the moment, he started to sniffle; he was crying. 

To my disappointment, I expected something to happen afterwards - like a sudden change in him. Hmph, I was wrong.

He went on doing his same old routine, up until now.

Silly me.  

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#691 

Dear you,

I thought about many things today. Like how many times I was expecting something but in the end, I was disappointed. But despite it, my feelings are still strong for you. My heart doesn't waver for anybody else but you. 

I ended up getting your dinner, alone. I felt like I was your mum that was going to get your food. We're apparently best friends and we live about 20 minutes away from each other, and I'd make an effort to check up on you, every single day. I got your favourite Korean dish of all time, and it seems like you didn't appreciate it. In fact, you barely appreciate what I do but, I just fake a face and carry on with my day as if, it didn't hurt me at all. 

But... But you know... It kills me so much. Call me selfish but can you at least give me a sign to tell me that you're happy I'm here? Can you at least give me a sign to tell me that you still find me as a friend? Can you at least give me a sign to tell me you appreciate all the I'm doing for you? I'm not doing this out of pity but out of simple care for you.

I'm falling for you more and more everyday, but... I can't deny that everything you do, hurts me.

I like you Kim Jongin.

Signed with love, Sang Jung.

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Jongin insisted to walk me home. His excuse to his mum was that he wanted to get fresh air and that he just wanted to take a walk. He didn't mention me. Not once, not ever. Like always… like always.

As we were walking, not one word was spoken. It was a cold night for summer. It was even a little foggy. - Jongin was wearing a thin jumper and it worried me if he was freezing to death or not. I started flicking my nails together making an annoying clicking sound. Jongin stared at me and I caught a small smile from him that could melt any heart. I looked back down at my footsteps and a gush of wind stormed by my body leaving me with endless trails of goose bumps. Jongin noticed. He noticed. The boy I had feelings for noticed and he put his arm around me, rubbing the side of my cold arm. He wasn't any warmer but he was trying, right? I leaned my head on his shoulder as we walked a little more to my house. He didn't push me away, nor did he protest and say "What are you doing?"

This moment... I needed to treasure. I wish this walk could go on forever. Everything is perfect, just for now. Though it was just temporary happiness and perfection, I knew I couldn't get my expectations of everything being okay, to be crushed again. If this is a dream, then I don't want to wake up to reality.

"I'm sorry." Jongin stopped walking and let go of his hold on me. He looked away from me, bowing his head in regret. He didn't need to be sorry. Why was he sorry? Why does he always have to think he's at fault or everything is his fault? 

"Hey… Hey, look at me, Jongin." I softly said and tilted my head to see his face. I slowly raised my hand to lay my cupped hand to his freezing cheek. When I carefully turned his head to look at me, his eyes were staring deep into mine. "You don't have to be sorry. You don't need to be sorry for anything. In fact, I want to thank you. Thank you for doing that. You know, I miss you. I miss you so much, Jongin-ah. I just want to hug you but I know you wouldn't want that. Thank you for just being alive, Jongin. You don't need to be sorry."

He shifted his face an inch closer to mine, and whispered, "Why are you so kind to me? Why do you choose to say by me, when even my parents just let me be? Just hug me. I need you… You're the only one who has stood by me, up until now. I need you so much, Sang Jung." He searched my eyes and I was left dumbfounded.

"Is that a confession?" I asked with my eyes wide open. I spotted the pink tint at his ears and he just genuinely smiled. 

"If that's what you think it is, then I guess." He shrugged and I thought I sounded like a complete idiot. What was I thinking blurting such an idiotic question? Of course, he would do this. I mean, why on earth would he like m-.

"No, no, no… Uh... Sang Jung. I'm not good with words. Please don't look at me like that. Those eyes that look at me as if I'm lying. I like you, Jungie. I… I like you, a lot." Jongin confessed and I almost broke out into tears. He hasn't called me Jungie ever since he changed. He was 'Jonginie' and I was 'Jungie.' I quickly hugged him roughly and I was on the edge of tearing up. As I hugged him tightly, he rubbed my back, in a safe manner.

"I'm so sorry for the pain I caused you. I'm so sorry for ignoring you. I'm so sorry for letting all your efforts go to waste. I'm so sorry for not appreciating the things you do and for taking you for granted. I'm so sorry for many things, for everything. I can't promise you I'll always be happy, or smiling. I can't promise you that I'll always be there when you cry or be with you, at all. I can't promise you many things but what I can promise is that... My feelings for you are purely true. What I'm saying is, can you accept me with a mental illness of being depressed?" 

I said nothing more and sealed the last few centimetres with a long, sweet and passionate kiss. I do accept you, Jongin.

I always have, and I forever will always accept you.

Always.