{ Chapter 004: Lucid}

It was hazy, it felt as if I was emerging out of fog as I resurfaced back to reality. The beeping and buzzing of machines was constant, and the walls seemed to be an endless white. I widened my eyes and suddenly sat up, frantically twisting my head here and there in the search of my beloved Luhan. I continued to jerk my head in all directions until a gentle hand pushed me back into a reclining position.

“Sir, please do not panic, everything will be alright.”

“K-Kai?” I stuttered, looking at a familiar tan male dressed in the same, bright, white clothing.

“Kai? Oh no, I’m your nurse.” The man who claimed himself as a nurse smiled brightly, flashing white teeth and crescent eyes. “My name is Jongin.”

“Is the patient awake?” Another familiar face with puffy cheeks appeared next to my room’s door.

“Xiumin? Is that you?” I rubbed my eyes, I could feel my heartbeat’s pace increase and the machine next to me began to beep quickly.

“Mister Oh, my name is Kim Minseok, I’m just here to check up on you.”

“No, you’re supposed to be Kai, and you’re Xiumin.” I surpressed my eyes into a slanty, suspicious manner. Was this all a big hoax? Just three seconds ago, these two men were Kai and Xiumin, and now they claim to be Minseok and Jongin?

“Sir, please calm down.”

“Where is Luhan?” I cut him off from any other unnecessary statements. I didn’t care now- if they looked identical to Kai and Xiumin, I didn’t need to care right then. All I cared about in that moment was Luhan. I saw the two of them desperately stare at each other, just like Kai and Xiumin had in my dream or reality.

-

And so now, I sit next to his hospital bed. Taking his cold, limp hand into mine, the slow and constant beeping of the machine at his side teases me. His eyelids don’t flutter open, and his chapped lips don’t smile. I think about the train station every day, is this what he meant? Did this mean that some day I could see his smile again?

I know I won’t, but I try and believe that I will. I wouldn’t have to feel this way, if only I didn’t pressure him into swimming. If I heeded the high tide warning, Luhan wouldn’t be in this wretched hospital. Luhan was supposed take his applied music classes at the university that would accept him, he was supposed to play piano and smile like the stars. I was supposed to be there to listen to him play, to love him- and yet he is slipping through my skinny and greedy fingers. I wish that he was here to hold my hand, and I with I was there to hold his; that was the way it’s supposed to be. I could’ve been in his place, and it wouldn’t have mattered. I should have been in his place, because Luhan has his whole life to live here and now… Now he may be waiting at a train station with a watch that doesn’t tick or tock. In my dreams, or in another reality, he may reside in one or none at all.

I would hold him to his promise to see me later, I will hold onto it, because it is my last hope. It didn’t matter if the Luhan in my dreams had said it or the Luhan in front of me had, I will hold on. So now, I sit on the chair next to his hospital bed as he is hooked up to a machine, waiting for him to wake up.