For my dear…

3 years have passed since the day I lost my soulmate, my lover, my one and only. You brought real meaning to my life, you made me feel whole. When you first came into my life, who could have foreseen the relationship we would end up sharing. I blame myself for not realizing it sooner. If only I could have seen what you meant to me, if only I knew how you truly felt. Maybe I was too blind to see what my heart showed me so clearly and when you held me close, I felt at home. I was in the safe sanctum of your strong arms where nothing could hurt me. Last night I entered our bedroom for the first time since the day I lost you. It’s still too painful to sleep there and even though we share many good memories, the memory of that night is still too painful to deal with. On top of your nightstand, I found the first picture we ever took together. My tears stained the beautiful picture and deep inside, I wished my tears could wash away the pain of not having you here. You called me your angel but the day I lost you, I lost my wings. I can no longer fly, that was a feeling only you could bring and now that you’re gone, what am I supposed to do? Last night I looked through your boxes. The day after you left me, it was all too painful and I packed away your things. I immediately regretted it and cried my heart out. The blanket we cuddled under the day before you left, still has your scent. I tried to rearrange our bedroom last night. I wanted it to look normal. I wanted it to look like it always did. I wanted to see your tie on the bedroom door handle. I wanted to see your towels sprawled out on the middle of the bathroom floor. I wanted to see your toothbrush by the side of the sink. I wanted to smell your perfume, but most of all… I wanted you. I know you can never come back. I know I can never feel your warm arms embracing me. I know I can never greet you with a loving kiss when you come home from work. I know I can never let my tears silently soak your shirt when you hold me close, but there is one thing I still don’t know. I don’t know why. I don’t know why you left me. It’s been haunting me for 3 years and every single time I come close the answer, I lose my way. You were special, so special and I regret never realizing just how special you were. Yes, we were together, but you felt so much more. It was so much more than just a crush. We were meant for each other but I ignored the words coming from my heart. How could I be so blind? The day you told me you loved me, I gave you no response. I was scared of the word ‘love’. Maybe I was scared because I never knew what it meant, what it felt like. Maybe I was scared because I associated love with sadness and pain. Now I’ve come to realize that this is not true. But sadly, my realization came too late. I try to understand that you will never come back. I will never again feel your lips on my forehead before you go to work in the morning. I will never again lie in bed, staring deeply into your dark chocolate eyes while you’re caressing my cheek. I will never again be able to entangle my fingers in your silky hair like I used to when we made love. No matter where I am, I can still find something that reminds me of you. Every single painting reminds me of your smile, because your heartwarming smile was truly a work of art. Every single time I gaze at the sunset, I think about the time I woke up in your arms at the beach. Every single time I touch the cold water, I think about how I would snuggle close to your warm body on a cold December night. I remember everything about you. I remember your caring laugh and acts of compassion. I remember how you would always hug me from behind whenever I was in the kitchen. I remember your honey glazed skin and your gentle touch. I remember the sweet words you would whisper when I was feeling down. Since the day you left me, I’ve felt a longing in my heart. A longing I cannot get rid of unless I’m with you. So at last my love, I’ve made a choice. Will you wait for me in front of the pearly gates? Will you lead me into heaven? Then and only then, can I truly be happy. I will escape the pain of not having you here. I regret not saying this sooner, but even though I cannot change the past, I can still change the future. I love you. I love you with all my heart. Soon my love, I will be in your arms again and I can tell you face to face, heart to heart. My life is not worth living if you’re not in it. I will wait for the angels. I know they will come because you and I belong together. We belong together in life. We belong together in death. I close my eyes before I let my tired body drop to our bed. With my eyes still closed, I hear a soothing melody. Can you hear it too? It’s a melody that can only be heard by two people who are truly in love. It is a melody that the angels of heaven play on the strings of our hearts. I can feel you, I know you’re close to me. Wait for me my love. Soon we will be together again. I can feel the wings of an angel embracing me. The angel has come to take me away. I can see the pearly gates and I can see you standing there with a smile. You’re just as gorgeous as the first day we met. You pull me into a hug and I relax in your arms. Breathing is hard and I feel weaker by the minute, but I know you will keep me safe. You will lead me into heaven, through the pearly gates and we will stay there forever. I close my eyes, only to never open them again. At last, we are together again. I love you.

Yours forever, Jaejoong