She sat in front of him, her hands on her lap, neatly manicured and folded tightly. Too tightly.

Her gaze left his face as he looked up at her, confusion written all over his features. Not knowing what else to do she gave the plate in front of her filled with untouched expensive delicacies her full attention. Sweat found its way on her forehead, making it clear for anyone who saw her that she was in an uncomfortable situation. She kept looking down, not moving an inch, awaiting his reaction.

He behaved similarly. Not moving, just staring. His hand had stopped mid-air, freezing, just like the rest of his body. Shock overcame him. He couldn't believe what she had just said, what she had just confessed. His eyes bore craters into her smooth white skin as he put his fork down. He was fighting to keep the tears away and his voice steady.

"What... do you mean with... ‘it's too hard'?... What do you mean with 'I'm not able to do this anymore'?" His anger rose while he spoke, like the volume of his voice. His hand clutched into a fist, his brows drew together. She didn't answer, nor did she move as tears rolled down her cheeks, hitting her bare arms. Her head was lowered, so that the bangs hindered him from seeing her eyes.

A long silence tortured the both of them. A long awkward silence, where he stared at her crying form, refusing to meet his gaze.

"Hwaeun...“ he called her silently. She still didn't respond but continued crying in a composed demeanor. Silence yet again. He spoke up once again, adapting a twisted smile.

“Why are you crying my love?” he questioned, as he began realizing what her intention was. “You are the one saying those cruel words. You are the one deciding things on her own. Are you regretting it just now? Hm?”

After that he remained quiet, just like her. He couldn’t stand this tension and her mute behavior, so he took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He brushed his hands over his face and wiped the moisture from his eyes.

“Hwaeun. Hwaeun, look at me. Look here love, I’m not mad, you don’t have to be scared.” He cooed. “I don’t know what exactly happened but I’m sure we’ll be able to work it out somehow, right? So let’s pretend you never said those things like ‘we have to end it here’ or that ‘it’s too hard for you’. We’ll just continue the way we did before, ok?” He reached his hand out while he spoke to lift her chin up and wipe her tears for her. The moment her face was in full sight he regretted his action. Her eyes were puffy and her nose beet red. She was sobbing quietly and he knew he didn’t like the way things were turning out.

Hwaeun met his gaze, giving him a look he never wished to see. Her expression was that of a woman deeply in pain. She started hiccupping and had difficulty bringing out the words, so she remained wordless and shook her head instead. He felt his heart clench painfully for the second time that evening. The tears he desperately tried to prevent from falling escaped and drenched his usually with a smile plastered face.

“Hwaeun we can try, we can at least try! Why are you giving up so soon? Let’s try one last ti-“

“It’s too late now.” Hwaeun spoke up with a shaky voice, still crying and interrupting his attempt of convincing her. “I can’t stand to see you… lying to the world, saying you’re single and having to live with the fear of being discovered when going out with me. I’m sick of you being so cautious wherever we go and feeling the need to disguise. This all seems so ridiculous! I can’t even expect you to be more open and carefree. I can’t expect anything from you without being scared of facing a rejection, you telling me you can’t because of your image and your fear of scandals.” She looked away again, smiled a painful smile and continued voicing what was on her mind .

“Getting official was out of the question anyway… Those fans of yours would rip me into pieces.” She met his eyes yet again and saw that he was both, shattered as well as confused. “There’s nothing left to try Jinki, there’s no way we can keep this up, not with your existence in SHINee, your life as Onew. I can’t handle this, I don’t… have the strength to.” At this point she broke down and wept loud enough for other people to hear, which she didn’t care for. “No matter how much I… love you… I’m just… not strong enough.” She slurred in between sobs. The whole restaurant paid the couple full attention now, to Onew’s horror.

He paid the bill by leaving it on the table, grabbed his date for the night by her wrist and pulled her outside into his car. Wanting to talk he opened his mouth but was interrupted by Hwaeun instantly.

“Do you see what I mean now? We can’t even break up without you worrying about your image. We always have to hide. Even if we are able to meet up secretly despite your schedule, you’re always drifting off somewhere else with your thoughts. I never know what you’re thinking. It’s like you’re trying to escape from me. But don’t worry, I don’t think it’s your fault, that’s the only way you can reach your goal, you can’t help it. There are too many things occupying your mind, there’s no space for me. To be a part of SHINee you can’t be distracted by a woman. It would ruin your reputation and break your fans’ hearts. It just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe in another life, I’m sure that I’ll still be loving you then because nothing in the world can stop me from doing so. Although that’s a fact I’ve realized that I won’t be able to stand beside you. I won’t be able to carry this burden of knowing that I’m like brakes, slowing you down. It’s your ing dream and you should ing live it! This way I’ll be able to leave. Fulfill your dream and become a happy man. Do that for me, will you?” With that said she stepped out of the car and left abruptly, not awaiting his response.

Throughout the whole speech he had been gripping the steering wheel like a madman and felt the consequences now. His arms started shaking as he unclenched his teeth and relaxed his aching limbs. He didn’t know what to do. He rested his head on the wheel when more tears threatened to fall. He felt so lost! After a moment of collecting himself he realized that there was no use of sitting there in his car, so he drove home where he knew he would be lying on his bed uselessly, not sleeping a wink.

The next morning he drove directly towards the airport, ignoring the speed limit and breathing heavily. “No, this can’t be, you can’t do this to me now. You didn’t even let me talk to you! I’ve made up my mind you silly girl!” he shouted as he got connected to her voicemail once again. Onew had received a message earlier that day, informing him that Hwaeun was about to board a plane with a destination called Berlin. He had rushed out of the apartment cursing and praying at the same time.

When he arrived at the airport with screeching tires he noticed people staring as he strode forward with hurried steps, trying to orientate himself. He had forgotten to take his disguise along. No beanie, no glasses, no muffler. He didn’t care anymore.

Having found the area he was looking for he walked even faster.

“She’s gone already.” A petit voice called out making him stop dead in his tracks. It was the same person that had informed him of her departure.

“Eunji” he breathed panting heavily. Sweat drops rolled down his temples as he turned to his friend fully, devastation written not only on his face but his whole posture.

“Oppa, you’re going to follow her won’t you? Unni told me that she still loves you and that even if she’s gone now that she’ll definitely not forget you. You’ll go after her won’t you?!” Hwaeun’s sister tried to persuade him, who started wobbling towards the exit. Tearing up she followed him and witnessed him making a phone call.

“Hyung, when’s the next day I can take off?” he asked, still out of breath, getting into the car with the abused tires. “One week from now is fine… and Hyung, I need you to book a flight for me, can you do that?” he asked leaning back steadying his breathing. “Yes, for next week.” He closed his eyes as he continued speaking

“The destination is Berlin.”