it was friday when he got home, gone for the whole week. where? hell, i didnt know. he didn't tell me about anything and i didn't ask. i guess we were both even. he plopped his enervated body down on the cushioned sofa, loosening his tie that choked his neck. i peered out from the kitchen, trying to make out his sighs and groans.

we exchanged glances but neither of us said a word as eerie silence began around us. he closed his eyes and i started towards him, bringing a cup of coffee with me.

"lu han." i spoke up and his eyes fluttered open, two blank voids staring at me. i couldn't tell if he was mad or what and i had no way of knowing.

"i made you some coffee."

"thank you." with tired eyes, lu han took the mug from me. 

then again with the same eerie silence, it surrounded us. i wanted to ask him where he went but who was i to ask now? If i had really cared where he'd gone, i would've asked on the very first day of his absence. But i didn't. i watched him sip the coffee mug clean, and took it from him when he was done. the silence never left us ever since.

from sunset to pitch black, lu han rested on the couch. It wasnt comfortable. the fluff and cushion tried to break free from the duct taped holes on the seat, its springs jutting out here and there. but lu han preferred it rather than sleeping with me on our newly bought mattress. 

It didnt bother me, i got all the space i wanted. either way, he was almost never home at night, hardly in the mornings too.

a dim light emitted from our old dusty lamp that flickered once in a while. It was only bright enough to illuminate the living room and none pass that. i prepared yesterday's leftovers on the table, preheating it before. of course, lu han wouldnt know it was leftovers. i tapped him lightly on his shoulder and as always, he'd be up almost instantly.

lu han was a light sleeper but our apartment had nothing significant going on, we rarely even talk. I guess lu han preferred doing anything but conversing with me at all. he got up and we both dined in darkness. The light that never reached our dining room, failed us once again. 

I could feel him staring at me, hell i didn't know how he could see me through the thickness of black. He wasn't eating, that's for sure. 

"what?" i said, dropping my spoon on my plate. he picked up his spoon, making a light, distant clink and started eating. he wasn't looking at me, i could tell he could feel my gaze as he tried to avoid it. I tried my best to make out his figure in the dark but the only thing that led me to him was his presence.

dining in the dark with someone you used to love wasnt really much. wasn't really much for the fact that you don't love him anymore. i didn't know why we were doing this. why we couldn't just fall out of love; wait, arent we already? I didn't know. I wasn't one to know. the feelings weren't as strong and one of us was bound to leave, soon. I guess we were both just waiting for either of us to go. we were both afraid to leave so we kept holding on, but the more that we held that more we fell, not in love but off a cliff. one that we were both on the verge of.

and i only hoped for a sense of direction, i needed it. I didnt know where to go and i felt the need to run away, but i didn't. i've always wondered what happened to us. the i love you's and the hugs. the sweet kisses that never needed permission and his care. i wondered where they've gone. in one moment we were sitting together in a fancy restaurant and in the other we were sitting down in the dark.

i didn't know where it went.

"minseok." he finally spoke up and my head shifted towards the sound of his deep voice. it had been interminable since i last heard my name being emitted from his mouth; i was surprised.

he knew he caught my attention and continued on, "what happened?"

his question strucked me with confusion and i didn't know what he was talking about. no, i knew what he was talking about. but the question was so sudden that my mind went blank just like a piece of paper. i knew he was wondering about our relationship? what happened to it and all was the part both of us couldn't remember.

"im tired. im going to bed." he said, changing the subject. he stood up and the chair screeched against the floor, making an eerie sound that i hated. he continued to walk on pass me, leaving me be in the dark. he didn't finish his food and i had no appetite to finish mine. 

after cleaning up, i headed towards the bed room where i thought i'd be alone. but what seemed to be a lump under the covers was the body of the man i used to love, lu han. it had been boundless since he last slept beside me. I dont remember the last time ive touched him bare.

i wasn't sure whether this was his mistake or what, but i layed down beside him, under the same blanket and turned off the lights. it was dark again but i could feel the warmth from his body against mine, i didn't know why we were so close to each other, this was a pretty big bed.

i didn't mind. 

i don't think i did.

i was just happy that— i was just happy.

i still didn't know why and how we fell apart. we've been together for so long only to give up now. maybe we could be fine again. maybe we'd be okay soon. i was trying to find a way to comfort myself in this situation. trying to make sense the little pieces he put in for me.

maybe he still loves me.

i spent 45 minutes rejecting all possibilities, that we'd ever be fixed. i was only looking for hope in the dark. it was hard to find.