"I miss the way you wanted me

When I was staying just out of your reach."

He's talking. He can talk.

It was midnight, an hour after he had screamed, that horrible, tortured sound, the one that made hyungs and I start, a scream that made Joon hyung ball up, hands over ears. Byunghee hyung immediately rushed over to where Mir was, because no one else would be able to make such a tortured sound. We all followed, even Joon hyung, who was panicking, not knowing what to do. Byunghee hyung slammed into the already open door, forcing it to swing open, and had forgotten about Mir not liking human touch. He just kneeled down on the mattress, next to Mir, who had his eyes wide open and his mouth a gaping hole, and wrapped his arms around him. After a second of more screaming, Mir had realized that someone was there, that we were there, and he stopped, closing his mouth, closing his eyes, and burrowed into hyung, his shoulders shaking. 

And then, he spoke. "He's here," he says, but we don't know what he means. Byunghee? Joon? Anyone of us? 

"He's here," he says again, his words pronounced in a way that made Mir sound like Korean wasn't his first language. He had an accent, not very pronounced, but noticeable, that he had never had before. It was strange, that slight slip in his tongue, but what was stranger was that, an hour later, with all of us in that exact position, Seungho and Joon and I crowding in the doorway, Byunghee with his arms around Mir, rocking slowly back and forth, Mir was still saying those words. They rang in my ears, over and over. He's here.

It was about the four months he had been gone, I know. Something terrible, absolutely horrible, happened to him. That was evident, painfully obvious; in the bandages wrapped around his skin, in the scarred expression on his face, in the hopelessness in his eyes. But he is too fragile to tell us, too fragile for us to dare to ask, too fragile for us to do anything but wait. 

And then he stops. He stops talking, he stops moving, he stops everything, and all of us stop too. It's like he has us on his puppet strings. He is controlling our actions, our feelings, our movements, even our thoughts, even if he doesn't know it. He has us all trapped, and these are strings that can't be cut by mere scissors, or a saw, or anything. They're invisible. But being invisible doesn't mean it isn't there. Being invisible only makes things stronger, only makes them harder to find, harder to cut. 

And in this moment, with everything still, I somehow know that we will stay here forever, if that's what it takes. That we will never give up on Mir, that even if he can't be found, we'll stay here, on this lonely house on the beach, for the rest of our lives.

Mir makes a noise. It was a sob, half-caught in his throat, quiet. He looks up, his eyes deep and sad and shiny. He looks up, and meets Joon hyung's gaze, and holds it. Hyung stares back, and from where his side is jammed mine, I can feel him start to shake, start to cry. Mir looks back, for a second, and I can see his skinny chest rising, falling, rising, falling. Too fast. Too fast.

"What happened?" Joon forces out, his breath coming too fast, his words too forceful, too loud in this quiet house. Mir looks down immediately, breath heaving, and I step back a little, conscious of the two emotional males in the room. But Joon hyung can't stop. He can never stop, and right now, I hate him for it.

"What happened?" Hyung asks again, his tone agitated, frustrated, and out of the corner of my eyes I can see Seungho hyung with wild eyes, looking back and forth, wanting to stop this, because it will only cause more pain, but I know, he knows, Byunghee hyung knows, that it has already hurt, and there's nothing we can do.

Mir doesn't answer, and I don't think he can. He just hunched down, draws his bony shoulders in close, and bows his head, looking so small and helpless and just so vulnerable that I want to plead to hyung to stop, to leave, but I can't make my mouth work, and I am frozen to the floor. 

Byunghee hyung makes to draw back, but Mir clings closer to him, buries into him, and hyung stays where he was. Joon hyung looks so confused, so lost, so angry, that I'm afraid. I'm so afraid, and I can feel tears start to gather, but I can't tear my eyes away. 

Hyung's on his knees now, too loud, too hopeless. "Why can't you touch me?" He whispers, and Mir only huddles closer to Byunghee, who can't meet Joon hyung's eyes with his. 

"Why can't you touch me?" Hyung repeats again, and I feel a tremor in my heart. There's so much emotion, so much confusion and hurt and sadness in his voice, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do, and Mir is breaking down, piece by piece. 

"Why are you only scared of me?" Joon hyung asked, his voice throaty and hoarse, and Mir gives a violent shudder. Tears are falling now, from me, spotting the floor with salt, and Joon hyung is crying too, tears trickling down his cheekbones.

"Why can't you look at me?" Joon hyung whispers, and he's crying harder now, in great sobs that rack his body, that make his voice studder, and I can only cry, I can only watch, and I can't do anything. I can't do anything. 

Mir wraps his arms around his head, his body shivering and shuddering and his breath too fast, too hurried, that I am afraid for him. I am afraid for all of us. Mir is in a ball now, untouchable, too far gone, too hurt. 

"Look at me," hyung whispers, but it comes out as more of a hiss, more of a command, and I am scared of him, in this moment. Mir only curls up tighter, tries to hide more, and I can see his shoulders shaking, can see the white wrapped around his arms, and I know he doesn't need more pain. He doesn't need what Joon is giving him right now. He doesn't need that voice, so cold and detached and yet so full. So full of things Joon can't say, what he can't voice, and yet he is, now, in a way. I hate him. I hate him for doing this. I hate him so much, but I can't do anything. I can just stand here, a breathing statue. 

"Look at me," Hyung hisses, and there is something in his eyes that wasn't there before. Mir looks up, uncurls his skinny arms from his head, his hair mussed and tangled, his cheeks deathly pale, blood seeping out from the wound on his cheek, dark of black and dark grey swooped under his empty, vacant eyes, and he looks at hyung. He looks at him, suddenly not breathing, not moving, a looseness in his features that scared me. It was as if he had given up on happiness, on everything. Like nothing could bring him more pain. He stares at hyung, with those eyes that are not Mir's. They're older, horribly sad and empty and just gone. He's gone. 

Joon's breath rattles out, once, twice, but they both don't move. I can see the wetness in Mir's empty eyes, I can see the awful hopelessness in him, and I want to scream. But I don't. Mir trembles, Joon trembles, but they stare. They stare, Mir still holding his breath, waiting, for something. 

And Joon looks away, drops his eyes, pulls in his shoulders, bows his head.

And then Mir closes his eyes, and starts to cry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DRAMA.... Hell ya!!!

I literally cried when I wrote this.

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