"Freeze.

Don't act like you know me

'cause you recongize me"

I could barely see, with the sun long gone, but that didn't matter, as I stare out, over the waves. I couldn't see much, except for the slice of ocean cut by the moon, glittering white and black. I just needed to get away from anyone, and I thought this was a good idea, but apparently being with myself is worse that being in the same room with frozen Mir. 

We are being torn apart. We're slowly ripping, piece by piece, and I'm worried what this is doing for our sanity. Nothing good, I know, at least. Mir coming back didn't help us, and him leaving us didn't help our happiness much either. I know I can't blame Mir. I know. But people always need some thing, someone, to blame, and I am a human. I need someone to blame, but the people that tortured Mir aren't here, so I'll settle with blaming Mir. 

But I won't say it out loud. No, I'm not as cruel as Cheondung, although I know I'm close.

Very close.

If we aren't MBLAQ anymore, and we aren't a group anymore, and he isn't a fellow member, can I leave? Can I just up and go, pack my bags and waltz off into the world, leaving the four behind? Because, out of the five of us, both Cheondung and I are the least attached to this, this whole thing. Seungho would never go; he's loyal as the leader of nothing until the end. And Joon wouldn't. Not conscious and sober.

So, us two, we could go. 

Maybe not with a light heart and shiny conscious, but we could go. We're breaking, here, and maybe a vacation would be just the thing I need, to get these thoughts out of my head and just relax. 

I shake off the thoughts, though. I'll stay. I don't think I could ever leave without ever coming back. I couldn't. Because even though I'm not as attached as others, I am still attached. I am still a part of this broken five, and I was a member of MBLAQ. 

I see a shadow, and I turn, tearing my eyes from where the sky meets the ocean. It's Seungho, making his way to me through the waving sea grass. His head is down, like he's trying to hide something, but without the sun's light I couldn't see anything anyway. He finally gets to me and sits on the rock wall next to me, his hands still, his head raised, staring into the moon.

I bow my head, and the only sound is the slap of waves against the sand, the smell of salt lying like a blanket in the stilled air. After I while, I ask something, something I know I'll regret, and I know I should stop thinking about this but it's tearing me apart and I don't know why.

"Would you have been kidnapped instead of Mir, and been tortured instead of Mir?" My voice rings out in the silence, and for a minute I don't think he's heard me, so deep in his thoughts he is. But finally, he turns his head to meet me in the eyes. 

"Why would you ask?" I don't know. "It's done, it's already happened, Byunghee." I know. But I don't know why.

"Would you?" I ask him again, and he knows I'm sidestepping his own question, but he doesn't question me again. 

He presses his lips together and gazes at me, so steady. "I'm the leader. It's my responsibility to care for my dongsaengs. So yes." 

I knew it. I knew that, that he would answer like that. But it still makes my teeth grit, and something flare up inside me. Why does he have to be like this? Why doesn't he admit he wouldn't. Because who would? Who would, really? 

I know I sholdn't say this. But, right now, I don't care. "Would you, really? You don't know what he'll he's been through, and you'd just jump in his place?" I struggle to keep my voice steady, make my face as blank as possible. 

He narrows his eyes, ever so slightly. 

"I would." His tone is darker, ever so slightly. 

"No, you wouldn't." I don't know why. I don't know why I'm saying is. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know. 

I don't.

His eyes blacken. "You don't know what I would do, Byunghee. Just because you wouldn't doesn't mean I wouldn't."

Low, and yet so true. Too true.   

"That's not true." No voices are raised, but his eyes fasten on mine and hold, darker than I had ever seen them. 

"You don't know me if you think I wouldn't," he spits, and stands. He starts to walk away, but turns back, delivering a finally, cutting line that I so deserve: "I thought that, here, with everyone falling apart, you were the one I could depend on to be steady. I thought you, at least, were sane. I was wrong, Byunghee. You're just as caught as the rest of them, and you're getting dragged down; whether you know it or not." 

And he leaves me be.

~~~

Something happened; something's wrong. 

And I can see out of my bubble of hurt enough to see Seungho's red eyes and locked jaw when he storms inside, slamming the screen door before he regains enough composure to lessen his footsteps on the way to his room. 

I can see Joon, looking happy one second, and then seeming to realize what had happened and immediately snapping into a pit of self pity. And then he seems to remember something, some time, and a blissful smile spreads across his face, before he remembers MBLAQ's situation, and then he closes up again. 

I can see Cheondung, sulking guilty throughout the house, a thin hand reaching out to snag yet another chocolate as he passes by the kitchen doorway for the 11th time, like he's building up his courage to come into the kitchen, where I'm sitting, although I've forgiven him for screaming at me. Anyother would do the same. It is my fault, after all. He shouldn't be blamed, and blame himself, for just speaking the truth.

And I can see Byunghee, the newest one to be dragged down, ghosting upstairs before finally slipping outside, and staying there until the fireflys start to fly. And then he came back inside, ignored everyone, and plowed his way to his room, eyes full of anger and guilt, which makes me think he did something, but I don't know what he did. 

I don't know what happened. 

Five months ago, we were just another idol group. Not as popular as we had liked, but we had fans and we had each other and we were happy. 

And now. Just look at us now. 

Saddened, ghosted. Haunted, angered. The whole world is against us, and we are against us, when now is the time when we need each other most. I need them, but they are all falling apart in front of my eyes, and I don't know what to do. 

I can't do this without them. I can't survive this new world alone. 

Do they see that? I know I'm being selfish, becuase they are all as broken as I; they just have hidden it before. But I need them. I need they to be strong, because I am not. I am weak, and a weak being needs a stronger to survive. 

I want to survive.

But how can I? How can I, when they are all as fragile as I, and they are all struggling as much as I? We can't help each other. It's like we are stuck in quicksand; We're all submerged so deep, we can't reach other, we can't reach enough that we could pull the other out. 

I'm submerged so deep, hyungs. 

I'm so alone, hyungs. 

I'm so cold. 

A/N: I have discovered the genius of Tablo. 

And also RyanDan.

But that's unrelated. 

2014!