순간 Heart Attack
Location UnknownTaeyeon wakes up with the bedside next to her deserted. Oppas has gone to work in the early morning. He is a busy and successful man. At least that's what his mother keeps trying to tell her as though she would have the premonition that something about her son's relationship isn't what it seems to be. Of course, her mother instincts are telling her the truth.
The radio is playing in the distance, the music drowned out by Taeyeon's current state of mind. Sleep is still clinging on her, trying to lure into sleep again although there was no reason to fall back asleep. Rubbing the slumber out of her eyes she taps into the kitchen, fishes blindly for a cup in the kitchen counter and put it under the coffee machine. With a hiss hot, brown liquid, which seems to be the only fuel strong enough to pump energy back into Taeyeon's drained out body, dripples down into the cup, filling it to the rim.
„Ardent Detour“, Taeyeon thinks as the taste of the bitter liquid invades her tongue. The morningly double Espresso shot, so stringent you have to down a glass of water afterwards to make up for the taste. The tiredness gradually lifts off from her mind and the sound of music comes creeping in. Radio DJs seem to be particularly fond of playing cheap pop songs in the morning, to annoy anyone out of bed, perhaps. But the one that is now playing is different. In fact Taeyeon has hardly heard this level of smoothness in a Korean pop song before. Obviously someone tried to be innovative but hit a nerve of a decade which long lies dormant instead. Taeyeon listens in. Sounds like RnB but it's in Korean.
아직까지 너의 모습 길이길이 초르스름한 잔상으로 남아 Flash Back
{You still remain as a strong afterimage, a flashback}
{I walked through a long maze, in between visions of you}
{It seems like I can touch you but my hand goes through empty air}“
She closes her eyes and leans against the kitchen counter for the world is beginning to twirl around her as images from her last dream came pouring in, ignited by the sung words and haunted melody.
{Heart Attack – at the end of waiting}
{My heart that is about to burst falls silent}
{I’m so peaceful that I don’t care if I stop breathing}
이렇게도 눈부신 이 사라지고 아무것도 똑같지가 않았어 라고
{You dazzle so much that after you disappeared, nothing stayed the same}
또 공기들은 정체되고 굳어버려 숨을 쉴 수 조차 없었어 라고
{The air got congested and hardened so I couldn’t even breathe}
{I said something to you, even though you might not have heard}“
A sudden pain is piercing through every fiber of her right arm. Taeyeon knows those symptoms. „Oh come on, this cannot be a heart attack. Silly song.“ Her hand reaches out for the radio to turn it off but instantly she winces back, trying to find a hold at the edges of the counter. „Not now“
In the midst of her misery a memory flashes back into her mind. A stupid flash back. Again she looks into Yuri's face. The cheeky smile from last night's recollection is exchanged with a mild, understanding one which usually only mothers were able to put on.
„Taeyeon. You shouldn't be consuming so much coffee! It's your forth cup already and we just came here at...“ She pretended to look at her watch. „At four o'clock!“
„Two hours, four cups of coffee. What's the matter? It's just a Latte. It's more milk than caffeine.“ With a gentle move Taeyeon pushed the books aside to make space for her new glass of Latte. She caught Yuri watching her.
„Well, I stick to tea. I don't want to get a heart attack.“ She said with a resolute tone in her voice and dived back into the Theory of German Idealism on which both of them would be tested on the following day.
Despite the blaring radio Taeyeon picks up the sense of cultivated silence a University library provides and in which Yuri's presence seemed to vibrate, disturbing the delicate atmosphere and disrupting Taeyeon's attention. The image of Yuri hovering about piles of print-outs, quietly studying while resting in a heavenly posture is deeply embedded within Taeyeon's mind. Only the mere melodic mention of the word 'dream' tears her back to reality.
{Can I believe it if you say it’s a dream?}
{I will hug you, who shine brightly}
{If only everything stops in place}“
„순간 Heart Attack {In this moment- I get a heart attack}
„Yeah, but why does it still hurt like this, Yuri?“ Taeyeon mumbles, leaning over the counter, her face twisted in pain. Out of breath, she was certain to die any second, leaving the world and the slim chance to embrace her again behind.
„Madam, are you ok?“ Someone said with a voice veiled in an accent which suggested quite another origin. She looks up and straight into the face of a young boy. Must be the entourage Oppa has talked about. „My arm hurts. Maybe I'm drinking too much coffee. I should switch to tea.“ Taeyeon puts forward, the sound of music trailing off into distance. The boy nods understandingly. He's Asian but for some reason his hair is dyed to blonde. He looks like some kind of university student who has failed to make it in the pop industry and claims to be an artist instead but shifts one part time job after the other.
„Madam, you should better sit down. Let me help you.“ He shoves his hand under her elbow and guides her gently to an armchair, gentler than she remembers Oppa to have. After he has made sure that Taeyeon was seated comfortably he motions in front of the armchair and introduces himself.
„My Name is Lu-Han. And I'm your new entourage. Currently I'm majoring in University.“ She was right.
„So it's Han-Lu, basically?“ Taeyeon interrupts. She doesn't know one Korean person with a name like his and even switching the syllables doesn't make it sound more Korean to her. A foreigner, indeed.
„Uh, yes.“ He nods childishly.
„So I can call you 'Han' or 'Lu-Han'? Or 'Han-Lu'? Uh, nevermind.“ She sinks deeper into the armchair as a dull headache seizes her.
„Are you not feeling well, madam?“ The boys takes a step forward and checks her forehead. „It's glowing! You should better lie down.“
Taeyeon waves him off, telling him to get her a blanket and Yuri's notebook which she has left opened on the sofa last night. It's all she needs right now. And someone to talk to. Even if Luhan is employed to be of help, he would have to be that someone from now on.
„Sit down.“ She instructs him while she swiftly sweeps through the small pages until she stops at a page covered in narrow written letters.
„I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.“
She begins to recite in a loud, clear voice, giving every word the emphasis it needed.
„Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?
The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.
Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.“
A brief moment of silence follows as though Taeyeon is hunting for the words she lost during her
recitation first before she could open again.
„Do you have someone you like, Luhan?“ She throws the question at him, who, rather unprepared, answers with a shy smile.
„Is that person beautiful to you?“ Glancing above the rim of the notebook she could see blood rushing up to his face, giving his cheeks a gentle blush. Ardent detours, Taeyeon thinks to herself.
„Would you become a poet like Pablo Neruda for her?“ The glow on his cheeks intensified. Taeyeon's trap has snapped shut. It's eerie what kind of secrets could be lured out of a person simply with the use of correct intonation. After all Taeyeon is concealing the same secret, so she couldn't be fooled by the robust frame of his figure.
„If you love him, don't leave him. Anyway, I've kept back the beginning of the poem. It is superb. I think you should hear it.“
„Clenched Soul (by Pablo Neruda)
We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.
I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.
Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.“
„It's wonderful.“ Luhan comments, the blush in his cheeks slowly receding.
„This notebook is filled with pieces like this one. They are miraculously beautiful just like the person who once collected them.“ She says and careresses the pages. These poems are the last remains of a love which ran as deeply as spring water within Yuri and Taeyeon, drawing a bond that would tie them together for the rest of their lives. And every poem became a piece of these unforgettable summer months, forever engraved in Taeyeon's memory.
„You see, I'm not feeling well because there is something missing in my life. These poems where written down when I was in possession of this particular thing. But now it's vanished.“
„Maybe I can help you getting it back.“ He suggested.
„Maybe. But you need to hear the story first. Oppa has paid you to be my entourage, so now all you have to do is listen. I guess, you're exactly the right person for this kind of story.“ Carefully she closes the notebook in her lap.
„But first.“ She leans towards him in way that suggests intimacy. „How do you manage to meet him?“
„We sneak out at night. Just like in the poem. 'No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.'“ Taeyeon nods to his answer before she leans back into the armchair and lets a wave of memories sweep over her as she begins to narrate.
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