I picked up my chopsticks silently, my eyes still wide in shock and my mind still trying to process the words noona said. I slowly looked at the food, but my appetite disappeared. Noona didn't say anything.

After our quiet and wordless dinner, noona cleaned the table and started to wash the dishes. Feeling bad, I went to help her, but she refused to let me wash. 

"Kwaenchanayo" she said. "It's only a few. I'll do it myself."

I nodded and went to the hall. Not knowing what to do, I just sat on the couch and the TV. Oh, they still have Music Bank. I watched performances by all the artists that I personally knew. CN Blue, Mblaq, F(x), Girls Generation, they were all the same. Same comeback songs, same dance movements, nothing changed.

Then at the end of the show, the final performance was SHINee. I quickly increased the volume and sat at the edge of my seat as the song started. The members came out one by one, dancing to differently choreographed moves. Without me.

Onew hit all the high notes just as well as how I would do, maybe better. Key sang some really great lines, danced to complicated moves that I've never seen him do before. Taemin, being the dance machine, danced like a pro. But he's moves were so much more better. He danced so swiftly and accurately managed to execute amazing dance techniques. He was amazing, such great talent was showing. Minho began he's rap and did so well. I've never seen him rap so fluently before. All his words were said without a miss and he was fast too.

SHINee was doing so well. Without me.

I felt a burning sensation in my chest. But why? Seeing them successful is a good thing, isn't it? I should have been happy for them. They were doing so much better than when I was around with them. Maybe they're better off without me..

Without me. The world is still the same without me. Nothing had changed. Nothing seems to be lacking. In fact, things are much better. Without me.

The burning sensation became stronger. My eyes felt watery, tears threatening to fall out. I switched off the TV and laid back on the couch with a sigh. I didn't want to know anymore. I couldn't take it. I got up and headed upstairs towards my room- Now the guest room, to take a rest. 

As I walked to the room, I passed eomma's room. I stopped, my eyes on the door. The urge to check on eomma was bugging me. I hoped she was okay. I seemed to have hurt her just now. I knocked and spoke softly. "Eomma?" 

No answer.

"Eomma are you okay?" 

"Come in." I heard her faint voice reply.

I opened the door and found eomma sitting silently on her bed, facing the window. She glanced at me and weakly smiled while patting the empty spot beside her, gesturing me to sit. I sat beside her and looked out the window as she did, not knowing what to say. Then I spoke. 

"Noona told me what happened. About.." I hesitated. "About your son." 

Eomma just nodded. Then I noticed a little picture in her hands. My picture when I was little. I stared at it, trying to remember when the photo was taken. Suddenly eomma moved her hand towards me, giving me the picture that she held. 

"He was the only son I ever had. I loved him so dearly." She said as I took the picture. "If only I could turn back time. I could avoid the accident, make things better." She whimpered, looking down. I kept silent, looking out the window. I saw my favorite playing spot in the garden. The place where I used to play and run around.

"He used to play around outside there. I would watch him from my room here as he played and ran happily." As if she read my mind, eomma said, looking out the window with me. Then she turned to look at me. "He must be around your age by now if he were alive." She smiled.

Seeing her smile was nice, but I couldn't smile back. All these years she believed that her son was dead, when her son was sitting right next to her. I wanted to tell her that. That I am the Jonghyun she loved. I am the boy she gave birth to. I am her Kim Jonghyun. She had to know.

"Eomma." I started. She looked at me a little surprised, unused to the way I called her. "Your son.. Jonghyun..." I hesitated, not sure how to start my story. "What if he is not dead?"

Eomma frowned in confusion. She seemed confused with my question. I quickly continued. "What I mean is, maybe life can give you second chances." She still seemed unsure of what I was trying to say. "What do you mean?" She asked.

"What I mean is.." I paused. How was I going to tell her? "I- I'm just.. I'm alive." I took in a deep breath as she waited for me to continue. "I know it sounds weird, but I have a mother and sister just like you and noona. But this morning, I woke up and suddenly everybody forgot who I am. It's like I don't exist anymore. And now I find out that I died years ago, when I'm clearly alive right now."

Eomma just looked at me blankly, not fully understanding my point. I sighed. Suddenly her eyes widened. "I hope you're not trying to say what I think you're trying to say."

"Eomma, I am your son. The Jonghyun that you thought you lost is right here with you. Eomma, I'm alive." I smiled at her and held her hand. But her reaction wasn't pleasing. She kept shaking her head and frowning. "No." She muttered. I kept quiet to see her reaction, but suddenly she pushed me.

"No! You can't be him. He's gone." She cried loudly, with tears in her eyes. She didn't want to believe me. I got up to hug her, but she pushed me violently  and growled. I stumbled, before managing to catch myself and stand up. I was shocked. She stood up in front of me. "It took me so long to accept the death of my only son. I loved him so much. Do you have any idea how miserable I was?" She said, her tone increasing as she walked step by step towards me. Her eyes were red. I saw anger in them.

"And now you come here saying that my son never died? Lies!" She screamed, pushing down the photos that were on a table beside her, the glass crashing on the floor. "I saw his dead body with my own eyes. Don't lie to me!" She screamed again with tears down her cheeks. I tried to explain to her, but hesitated when I saw her temper.

Suddenly she collapsed on her knees to the ground and put her face in her palms. Her body shook to every sharp breath she inhaled. She cried like a child, repeating my name again and again. But her voice drowned in her cries. I placed my hand on her shoulder, though I really wanted to give her a hug so badly. I felt the pain she was going through. She was afraid. Afraid of false hope. Afraid that I was fooling her. I felt it. And I felt guilty. But her anger never faded. She looked up at me, her eyes redder than ever.

"Get out." She ordered under her breath.

I froze.

"Go!" She screamed at me. I didn't move. She got up and grabbed my shirt, pulling me out of the room. I didn't try to hold back, just followed her. As she pulled me down the staircase, the rails scratched my hand, leaving a red scar that almost bled. I hissed at the pain. 

Finally she reached the front door, let go of my shirt and pointed towards the outside. "Go." She ordered. "I don't ever want to see you again!"

Hearing the commotion, noona hurried towards us.. She gasped in surprised to see eomma in such anger. "Eomma-" She tried to talk, but eomma hushed her. I looked at noona and smiled. Tears built up in my eyes. "I'm sorry.. If I had done anything wrong."

How I missed home. I was hoping that I could spend more time with them. I wished that I could tell them things I never told them before. I had so much to tell. I missed them so much. The only people who loved me for who I am. But I spoiled it. And all for nothing.

A teardrop rolled down my cheek.

I looked at eomma and weakly smiled. She looked away. "Go."

But, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave. My heart was begging me to stay. I didn't know where else to go. I wanted to stay at home. I wanted to stay by my family, my mother. I couldn't bring myself to walk away. "I.." I mumbled hesitantly.

"I love you eomma..."

My tears flowed down my chin like rivers. She looked at me mercilessly, yet her face full of tears. I saw the guilt in her eyes, but she wont admit it. She didn't want to do this. She wouldn't have, but anger took over her. Her hands shivered. She lost control.

Without warning, her hands flew at me, pushing me out with all her strength as she screamed in anger. I fell behind on the tar road in front of the house.  Noona covered her ears in fear, sobbing. "STOP IT!!" Eomma's scream echoed in my head.

Unfortunately, she didn't see a car coming. Neither did I.

*BANG!!*