Love.

An enjambment of feelings balled up into a single word.

That’s probably why it’s so hard to separate the feeling of love, and the feeling of emptiness.

And even harder to learn when love left, and emptiness took its place.

                                                                                ______________________

I watched your stern face peek out behind the hard wood panel. I hadn’t seen your smile in years.

You were dressed in all black. You always dressed in all black, like the color of the night sky when the stars lose hope.

“Goodmorning.” I whispered.

You walked the other way, ignoring my words.

“Did you sleep easy?” I asked.

You ignored that also. I found you had learned to mute me out a long time ago.

I already knew the answer to my question anyway.

I already knew you tossed and turned last night, in between the state of exhaustion and saneness. I don’t think I ever saw you dream. I’ve seen you close to it, reaching your weak hands towards it with the last of your energy. But you always fell short. Almost like us.

We had reached the tip of our love, running around restlessly at night, kissing under the big bright palm trees, riding huge roller coaster rides with our hands up and tangled with each others.

It fell slowly, so slowly that we almost didn’t see it. But we did, and when we did, we tried to hide it, exchanging awkward glances that use to be smiles of endearment.

I watched you as you grabbed your bag and quickly walked out, closing the door behind you.

“You left your keys!” I called to you. That was a habit I use to love about you. You always seemed like you were missing something.

You opened the door quickly and picked them up, then walked out again.

I followed slowly behind and got into your car.

We sat in the car for a few seconds. Silence choking us so we couldn’t speak.

Your hands tightened across the steering wheel.

“Let’s just…act natural today.” You said finally, taking a deep breath.

I nodded, keeping my eyes straight.

You stared ahead wondering if it was possible. It wasn’t like we fought. We never did. It was the unsettling silence that we brought around that made everything…so sad.

You drove off to a nearby café. Today we were meeting with an old friend, Luhan.

You never talked to your friends anymore. If it wasn’t for his endless begging, you probably wouldn’t have agreed to meet with him.

When we got there, you walked in slowly and uncertainly.

Luhan waved at you from the small table he had chosen by the window. The table only had two chairs, one preoccupied by Luhan, so I sat at a table close to you both.

“Hey Lay! It’s been a while!” Luhan said loudly, getting up and hugging you.

You winced a little.

“Yeah, what’s been going on?”  I head you say quietly as you sat down and ordered a small cup of coffee.

Luhan watched you intently. He smiled.
“A lot, you’ve been gone for 2 whole years.” He said.

“It’s already been 2 years?” you ask, but you already knew, you counted down the days more than anybody.

Luhan nodded. “I switched majors in school, I no longer am studying to become a biochemist, I’ve decided to chase my dream as an artist, like you’ve always wanted me to.”

Suddenly you did something that startled me. You smiled at Luhan. After years of me intently thinking of ways to make you smile, you smiled in the 3 seconds you had with Luhan.

“You did? I’m so proud of you! You drew better than anyone I knew.” You said.

Your coffee had come and you proceeded to take a slow sip, basking in the heat that radiated from it.

Luhan watched you intently. Something flashed in his eyes that I had seen before.

It was the look you use to give me.

I watched silently.

“It was really nice seeing you again.” Luhan said quietly.

You looked up and nodded. “I feel the same way..”

You both talked for hours, mostly him talking and you listening. I could tell you enjoyed his company. For a few seconds you settled in, reverting back to the person you hadn’t been for years. At the end you bid your goodbyes, promised to meet up, and then went home.

When we walked into the door you sat down on the sofa and stared at the ceiling.

You were back to the souless you in a matter of seconds.

I sat down on the edge of a chair and looked where you were looking.

“He loves you, doesn’t he?” I asked.

You moved your face and stared at me.

“Answer me.” I said angrily.

You didn’t.

I got up and screamed. “Answer me! Listen to me! Speak to me!”

You stayed quiet. Your face was a mixture of confusion and sadness.

“You don’t love me anymore.” I said, something that I felt a while ago.

You suddenly got up and walked out.

I stared after you.

“You left your damn keys.” I said, my voice cracking.

You walked in slowly and grabbed them, and as usual I followed you out.

We got in the car and drove somewhere quietly.

I wondered if we could ever pick up the pieces of our lives. I wondered if we could ever stop being… broken.

When we arrived at our destination, my eyes widened in surprise.  I slowly looked down, tears welling up in my eyes.

The tears fell silently.  You stared ahead, then got out of the car.

I quickly got out also.

“Why are we here? We haven’t been here in two years! Why now?!” I yelled at you.

You walked straight ahead, not listening or looking at me.

Finally you stopped in front of something.

“I’ve felt empty for the longest time. I’ve tried to block you out of my head. I’ve tried to ignore you, but…I just can’t anymore.” You said quietly, tears starting to slip out of your eyes. They fell like beautiful dancers in the afternoon sun.

I stared at you as my own tears continued to fall.

“You died two years ago, we fought that day like we did most. I thought I wouldn’t care if something happened to you but I lied. When you disappeared you left me with this pain of waking up and knowing you will never be there, you will never smile for me again, or be annoyingly funny. After a while the pain didn’t even stay with me and just left me numb. I could never visit your grave because I was afraid I would feel worse… But I’m not afraid anymore. I still love you, I feel you don’t know that, but I do, I think I always will, but it’s time for me to stop entertaining the fact that you will be back because it’ll never happen.” You cried to my tombstone.

I sobbed next to you. It was finally going to happen. I think I always knew it from the beginning; you were moving on without me.

“I’ll miss you,” I whispered.

You smiled in between your sobs. It was a sad smile, but it was a smile.

“Don’t believe that in a million years, that I will ever stop fully loving you, Kris” you said stumbling over your words as you tried to wipe your face clean.

All I did was nod in silence, since I couldn’t wipe your tears for you.

Slowly you got up and walked away.

I didn’t move. I was going to stay here. It wasn't for the fact that I knew you didn’t need me anymore, but for the fact that I knew you would always have a piece of me, wherever you went.

I saw you turn around and squint. For the first time in two years it felt like you actually saw me. You smiled one last time for me, and then turned back around to walk to your car.

                                                                ______________________________________

Emptiness almost always followed love.

But the funny thing to learn about love was that it was never fully out of sight, or out of mind, it just let emptiness take the place so it could grow stronger and sneak its way back. That way, you never felt completely empty again.

________________________________________________

Woot woot so I hope you liked! Please refrain from leaving spoilers in the comment bar since I kinda tried to make it surprising at the end. I might have failed but Idk I need to get my writing juices flowing if I ever want to get into FIT or Parsons (very big art school in america) Anyway Im VERY big on constructivee critisim, any of it helps.