Today is the first Monday of July. I stood there looking at the small house at the corner of the street. I have been standing there at every first Monday of July every year for 13 years. I found out that the family used to live in there moved out. No matter how hard I tried, I could’t find them.

I drove to the biggest bar in the city. Two security guard standing in front of the gate kept their head down when they saw me. I came straight to the DJ’s desk and turned music out loud, and then I went to a corner and smoked, again. 15 minutes later, I went in the bathroom and saw a man standing in front of a sink. I pulled out my gun, and killed him with a headshot. Nobody knew about it, they were busy with their jobs,dancing like no tomorrow.

Two security guards kept their head down when they saw me going out. I went in my car, made a phone call, and then went home, a big apartment on the 15th floor of a tower block in Seoul’s center. It's so big that I feel lonesome whenever I am alone. And, I dreamt the first “Monday dream” in this July. I called it “Monday dream”. In that dream I saw myself standing in a big city, and then I saw the other three family members. They were standing at the 3rd floor, and I was at the 1st floor, I tried, tried to find a stair to keep up with them but I couldn’t. They kept going forward. Blood is all over my mother’s face. My dad, he was always smiling like he was crying. And my little sister, I can’t see her face, I just saw her smile. I ran around, tried to find something to help me catch up with them, but I couldn’t. I wanted to shout, but I didn’t remember their names. I kept running until I was exhausted. After that, I woke up only to find that my shirt was sweaty.

It is always like that, my little sister who I couldn’t remember her face, my dad looked like he was dying inside, my mother and her blooded face. Sometimes, my mother waved at me, and some other times, my sister smiled at me. But, at that time, I felt scared. I do feel guilty because I left them behind. I do miss them, I really do but I don’t know how to come back to the time we were still happy together. After all, it is just a dream.