5 years ago, if you were to ask Chanyeol whether he would be best friends with Kris. He has answer would immediately be a ‘no.’ No one would want to be friends with him, other than his own posse—Chen, Xiumin, Lay and Suho. Kris was the only one with that stare, that hateful stare. When he isn’t with his posse, Chanyeol hears him badmouthing them on how lame they are, on how they are so narrow-minded. Kris should probably look in the mirror because Chanyeol thinks he is damn lame.

To say Kris isn’t popular is an understatement. He isn’t, probably with just the teachers as his parents are rich but that is about it.

3 years ago, Chanyeol sat at the table surrounded with his friends. Kris was there, though not visible to Chanyeol’s eyes. Chanyeol's endless laughing, spouting drivels like there’s no tomorrow and all his friends would be laughing along with him. Chanyeol was popular, Kris was not.

2 years ago, Chanyeol finally opened up to Kris. They were those types of friends who would say hi and bye. They would even share food but no conversation was needed as they stuffed their mouth with Kris’ famous dry noodles.

1 year ago, Chanyeol never thought he would fall for Kris. Chanyeol texts him, “I like you.” Just as Kris spilled out his guts on everything that has happened to his life. How he feels absolutely lonely and that Chanyeol was his only friend. Kris had friends by this time, but none of them were like Chanyeol. Chanyeol’s smile, laugh—everything. Chanyeol didn’t get the answer he was expecting. In fact, he didn’t get anything at all from Kris. He shrugged it off, maybe Kris didn’t read his text.

Kris did. He read it but he didn’t felt the same way. Instead, the next time he saw Chanyeol, he told him. “You are my best friend, Chanyeol.”

Till this day, Chanyeol thinks, how the hell did end up being best friends with Kris? All Chanyeol knows that Kris and Luhan are stuck at the hip. Kris follows Luhan’s every request like a dog and Chanyeol is honestly sick of it.

“Why do you follow him around like a dog, Kris? You are so much better than this.” Chanyeol says, rolling his eyes when Kris shrugs.

That is what Kris is good at—shrugging.

When they are separated, both to different colleges, Chanyeol has a feeling that this is the end of this friendship. He won’t have to pick up Kris’ anymore. He does not have to carry that extra burden, like the time Kris did drugs in school, or brought alcohol to school, or did something so stupid like make Chanyeol his best friend. He feels the weight on his shoulder lightened.

A month has passed, Chanyeol almost forgetting about Kris until he gets a text from Kris asking Chanyeol how was his first day of college, proceeding to what he wants to talk about… himself. Kris tells Chanyeol, he hates college and that he failed his test.

All Chanyeol can say to an upset Kris is, “You can do it, Kris. Show everyone what you are made of. I mean, you got better marks than me in final exams, so I’m sure you can ace that baby like a .”

Kris got highest in class while Chanyeol is forgotten.

Chanyeol wants to go out with so many people, however, he is currently swamped with work. Some people don’t understand that, some people being Kris.

Chanyeol thinks Kris is a for doing this to him at the time of his finals. “Aw, come on out, Chanyeol. I haven’t seen you for so damn long. Are you going to do this to your best friend now? Or are we not best friends anymore?”

Chanyeol wants to tell Kris to just off because he really doesn’t have time for this. He needs to finish this assignment before midnight. “I’ll talk to you later, Kris ok? I promise.”

Chanyeol forgets that promise.

Just when Chanyeol thinks everything is fine. Blue skies and not a bad cloud in sight. 

“Do you think it’s a reward for me to go out with you?”

That bad cloud comes too soon.

Kris joking as usual, Chanyeol thought. Kris likes to joke around. Chanyeol jokingly texts back. “Of course, it’s a reward if you go out with me. I don’t just go out with anyone you know.”

“You can go out with all your other friends but me?” Kris replies.

And Chanyeol tries to think of what Kris is talking about. Chanyeol did mention he was going to his friend’s house. Of course he would be going to his Baekhyun's place. His friend just recovered from being paralyzed and his house was only 1 kilometre away from his. Chanyeol is going to walk there anyways after much fighting with his parents about walking outside alone.

“His house is near mine.”

“So? I have a house too. I’m disappointed” Kris replies.

Chanyeol laughs at this text, Kris being forever funny and disappointed at his best friend for choosing someone else than him.

“OMG stop it will you.” Chanyeol replies, shaking his head at Kris’ text.

“Ugh Chanyeol. Don’t talk to me. Go out with your new best friend, Baekhyun.”

Chanyeol is not sure where this is going but he is pretty sure Kris is playing with him. He always does. He replies Kris with, “Ok. I will. Peace.”

The reply that he got is not what he is expecting. “I’m serious, .”

Still thinking Kris is joking. “DON’T ME WUFAN.”

“Ugh you know what? You don’t deserve me.”

Chanyeol arches his eyebrows, not sure where this is going but decides to play along. “Well you don’t deserve me either.”

“!”

Chanyeol waves at the phone. “Goodbye to all the future dates, Kris. Since he doesn’t deserve me and my company.”

“Hahaha dude.” At this, Chanyeol smiles, Kris always jokes with him with stupid like this.

“Aren’t I dramatic?” Chanyeol sends the text, getting read to sleep; it’s almost his bedtime.

He hears his phone beep and reaches over for it.

Kris, it reads.

“You think going with you is like some sort of reward for me? Just asking.”

Still playing this game, I see, Chanyeol thinks, jokingly texting Kris back his dramatic reply.

“Yeah.. I don’t just go out with anyone. I don’t make time for just anyone you know. And it’s a ing reward cause you said I’m your best friend. When no one was with you, I was. And when you are a , only I listen to you and that ing is always okay.”

Chanyeol puts his phone on his chest, waiting for Kris’ funny reply but that didn’t come though.

“Dude, if it’s just a ‘reward’ for me to go out with you. Then don’t go out with me. You are so full of yourself, seriously. Get that check out.”

Chanyeol cannot even explain how he feels right now, but his chest isn’t pumping correctly. Look, who talks about himself 24/7 and he comes telling Chanyeol that he is so full of himself. Chanyeol punches in his reply, “If I’m so full of myself then go hangout with your best friend Luhan. Shouldn’t he get the best friend rank by now? And the thing is, I was already going to make plans to go out with you. So if you think I’m selfish then go fly a kite and string yourself to it.”

“Oh wow! You were? Thanks Chan! I feel SOOOO honoured. Honoured to have your company. Thanks a lot. K bye.”

First of all, Chanyeol hates it when people put ‘K’ because that’s just rude. That is really freaking mature, Wu Yi Fan. This isn’t the way they would handle a fight. They don't even have fights unless it's who will get the last scoop of Kris' famous dry noodles, other than that, Chanyeol doesn't remember ever fighting with Kris. Chanyeol has never felt angry with Kris before. Chanyeol has felt upset before when Kris left him for Luhan. He has felt upset about a lot of things when it comes to Kris but he still stuck to Kris’ side and for god knows what reason. 

He already knows that he got rejected big time by Kris. Chanyeol is never going to bring up that ‘I like you’ subject ever. Chanyeol has long perished that thought of liking his best friend or should he say selfish best friend.

With all the anger building up, Chanyeol texts back. “Wow, Wufan, so freaking mature. You don’t think I don’t feel like going out with you? You can go out with your new bunch of awesome friends then. Have a couple of beers, do the whole deep talk since you are so good at making friends.”

Chanyeol hates to say this but he doesn’t want Kris to have deep talks with anyone but him. Kris always has these deep talks once in awhile. Nobody knows how deep Kris can be and he never shows it. That deep side is meant only for Chanyeol to see, he feels.

“Yeah. You make it sound like it’s a reward to go out with you.”

Again, he is at this, with this whole reward. Chanyeol just doesn’t get this whole thing but at this point, he can only feel his chest tightening.

“It is not! You told me you wouldn’t hurt me.”

The moment Chanyeol sent the text, he regretted it. He didn’t want to remind Kris of his own promise to Chanyeol. I promise I would never hurt you, Chanyeol. I promise, I would be better for you. Just believe me.

Chanyeol believed him with all his heart even though Kris broke it once, that never faltered his belief in Kris.

“I’m sick of this.”

Sick of this or sick of him?

Chanyeol wants Kris to see that he isn’t just making it up that he can’t go out most of the times. Does Kris even know Chanyeol that well at this moment? The fact that Chanyeol’s parents are freaking protective and barely let him out of the house. Chanyeol even had to sneak out and lie to his parents to see Kris that one day.

Chanyeol is trying to set this right. “I don’t even go out, Kris. Going out is like a privilege to me.” Chanyeol hits send.

At that moment, he just wants to tell Kris to leave him. If he isn’t happy with Chanyeol, he can just leave him. It really doesn’t matter because Chanyeol can make new friends. Friends that would never make him cry the way he is crying now. Friends that would never hurt him again and again but still get away with it. Friends that will never poach his heart this way. 

“You know what Kris? You can throw me away. If you are not happy, you can throw me away.” Chanyeol sends the message, wiping away his tears, hugging his bolster tight.

Friends, however, will never be the same as Kris.

“K. Whatever. I’m going to sleep. Goodnight.”

Chanyeol lets his tears fall because, , this is painful. As much as Chanyeol hates Kris at the moment for making him feel like the worst best friend in the world. He hates how Kris also makes him feel the best when he is at his worst. He also hates how Kris compliments him whenever his self-esteem is at the lowest. Still not denying it, Chanyeol hates the way Kris makes him feel; secure and happy.

He hears the clock ticking, praying for his mind to stop thinking and just ing sleep. For once, Chanyeol wants to put pride and ego before anything. For once, he wants to be selfish and not go after Kris like he always does. He just wants Kris to come back to him, say he is sorry and not the other way around. Chanyeol twist and turns, punching his pillow to make it fluffier but it still doesn’t feel right. Nothing feels right. He hates how he can’t sleep thinking of how it would be like without Kris in his life. Being egoistic was never Chanyeol’s trait.

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fight with you and stop in the middle. I’m sorry, Kris. I’m sorry for not being a good best friend. I was never a good friend to you in the first place. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m ing selfish in this relationship we have. I just… I don’t want you to think of it as a reward if I go out with you. It makes me feel like I’m treating you like a ing dog and I would never want you to feel that way. I’m your friend and we are on the same level with this friendship. Nothing more, nothing less. I know, I at being a best friend but you chose me. Among all the people you hung out with, you ing chose me. I don’t know how the I even qualified to be your best friend and still today, it’s pretty much beyond me. Just don’t be angry with me, please. I don’t know what life would be without you in it, even if you are far from me but whenever we talk, I know you are there and that we are still close. I have nothing else to say. Again, I’m sorry. Goodnight.”

Chanyeol sends that text, eyes droopy, sleep almost engulfing him.

“I love you, Chanyeol. I’m not mad at you. I’m sorry too. Goodnight.”

It’s been days and Chanyeol is just staring at the text. He never replied it, not sure of what to say and how to say it. It’s not like they have never told each other they loved each other. They have, teasingly and all. But at this text, Chanyeol is lost for words. He is still digging through his head what is he to say. And somehow, Chanyeol feels alone more than ever. He has never gone this long without talking to Kris. Chanyeol misses Kris but he just doesn’t know what to say.

He goes on his SNS and writes.

‘Can we just go back to how we were? Cause I like how we were before and now, I just hear my heartbreaking because this hurts.’

A moment later after posting that, Chanyeol still feels empty. He thought that maybe by writing it out, it would feel better. He doesn't feel any better. He wants to tell Kris he misses him dearly. To pick up the phone, Chanyeol doesn’t want to sound dumb, phone hanging stupidly on his ear without thinking of what to say when all he has to say is ‘I miss you, Kris.’ He could do that with a text too. It’s easier, nobody can hear the nervousness in his voice and Kris would reply back with an ‘I miss you too, Chanyeol.’

But neither of them are doing anything.

Chanyeol heads to Kris’ SNS. Eyes immediately on his recent post. He just posted it 2 minutes ago, making it 4 minutes ago when Chanyeol posted his post.

“Didn’t we apologise already?”

Chanyeol doesn’t know what else to do. He is tired. He goes back to his own SNS, contemplating on posting the next post that will break him further.

“When you read this, just know that I miss you.”

And he sincerely does.

**

Ok, don't kill me. LOL.