Mágoa (n.) - a heartbreaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces, visible in gestures and facial expressions

KYUNGSOO2010&2014

My goal in life was to live without regrets. But ever since June 15th of  2010, I had experienced regret for the very first time. What they said is true, the first time is always the most painful. But I didn't know it would be this painful. 

Painful because all these years I tried my best to learn Braille, but my brain can't retain what I've learned. I became a person who needed help, a person who always needed someone to lean on. I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. But fate had made me this way. I am a burden. 

Painful because I'm being made fun of while walking with a stick. I may not be able to see, but I have ears. That's what hurts the most, being able to hear harsh comments thrown at you. But I can't just break down in the middle of the street, I have to go on; hoping it will end. Even though I know it will never happen.

Painful because I can't help but blame myself for everything that has happened. I am the reason why I am blind. I am the reason why Jongin is having a hard time. I am the reason why Junmyeon and mother are dead. Instead of saying empty words that I am okay, I have accepted that reality is actually not okay. 

Painful because people keep asking me what it's like to be blind. I had to face this question for years, until now, actually. Well, I can't answer. I don't know. Vision is unique to the individual. What you see is different to what others see. Your white may not be my white. My red apple may not be a red apple to you. What I see is unique-- eigengrau.

"Are they here?" I asked as I heard the doors open, "My family, are they here?"

"Kim Junmyeon, Kim Yoojin, and Kim Jongin are all here in the hospital. But-" She paused. "But what? Please, don't tell me something happened to them." My rough voice begged.

"Please, don't cry." 

"Two of them have passed away." She said in a soft tone. "Kim Yoojin and Kim Jongin. I-I'm sorry."

I buried my face in my hands. "This isn't happening. This isn't real. You're lying! Tell me that this is all false." And then I heard the door click, and I was alo