Chapter 4

Leeteuk sighed as he looked at the time. It wasn’t terribly late and he knew he needed to clear up any confusion before things got way too out of hand. If he could catch Kangin before he went from heartbroken to the acceptance of a life without him, then he might have a chance at saving their relationship.

Sora chewed on her lip as she stared at her phone.

He was discharged today, right? She thought to herself. It was all over TV this morning. Maybe he’s just busy with the members. I’m sure they have a lot to catch up on. I guess I’ll just try to get some work done then.

Just as Sora was reaching for a script her manager had just given her that day, her phone rang.

“Yo-yoboseyo?” she asked, although she knew perfectly well who it was.

Leeteuk gently smiled at the sound of her voice.

“Sora…how are you?”

“I’m fine oppa, but I’m not the one finally home after two years. How are you?” she asked with a small laugh.

“Right,” said Leeteuk returning her laugh. “I’m fine.”

“I don’t mean to pry, but you're voice sounds a little strange…are you okay?” asked Sora settling into her couch.

“I’m sorry,” said Leeteuk wiping his eyes. “It’s just been an emotional day, you know, finally being back with everyone I love.”

“You don’t have to explain, I remember the type of man you are.”

Leeteuk his lips. “Sora, I’m actually glad you contacted me.”

“Really, why is that?”

“I need to talk to you about something, but it can’t be over the phone. Is it too late to see you now?”

“Uh,” started Sora glancing at her clock.

It was nearing ten o’clock.

“No, of course not. Where would you like to meet?”

“Is it too forward to meet at your apartment? I’d ask you over to the dorm or to a coffee shop, but I’d like a little privacy.”

Sora’s heart began to race at these words, a reaction she didn’t expect from herself.

“Sure, I’ll send you the address. I’ll see you soon…wangja.”

“Yes, I’ll be there very soon.”

Leeteuk pinched the bridge of his nose as he looked towards the sky.

“Please let everything work out,” he said to no one as he gathered the strength to talk to Sora face to face.

When he received the address from Sora, he laughed to himself. It was the same apartment that they had shared together. Although the apartment was quiet close to the dorm, it felt like a long drive for Leeteuk . When he finally arrived, he looked up at the building. Sora, having heard his car, walked to the window. She met Leeteuk’s eyes and gave him a wide smile, motioning for him to come up stairs.

Buzzing him through the gate, she waited anxiously until she heard a knock at the door.

During the ride over, Leeteuk had tried his hardest to clean himself up, but with all his efforts, it was still obvious that he was upset.

When Sora opened the door, she was met with his reddened eyes and pink nose and cheeks.

“Omo—are you okay?!” she asked gently pulling him by his arm inside.

“It’s nothing to worry about,” he said shaking his head dismissively as she led him to her couch.

“No, you’ve been crying. And these aren’t joyful tears, I remember what those look like,” she said handing him a tissue.

He laughed, “I suddenly feel déjà vu. It’s like the last few moments we shared here years ago.”

Sora grinned at these words.

“Yeah, I decided that I couldn’t part with it. It really felt like a home to me, so I knew I wouldn’t be able to take someone else living here,” she said with a laugh.

Looking at her smile, Leeteuk finally took the time to look over Sora completely. Although he had seen her a few times since the completion of the show, it had been many months since they had last seen on another. And Sora had definitely changed.

Before she had been so cute and pretty, with her bangs and short hair. Her cheeks had been full and all of her clothing matched the personality of a 23 year old girl. But looking at her now, almost made her unrecognizable. She had grown out her hair, with it now reaching just below her collarbone. It fell in wavy thick dark locks that framed her now more delicate face. She was wearing simple slate grey leggings and a long flowing white blouse, with a simple gold necklace that held an infinity symbol.

She was beautiful.

“Jung Soo?” she said softly shaking his shoulder.

“S-sorry,” he muttered. “I’ve been doing that a lot today. I’ve just been going through a lot of unexpected changes with my dongsaengs.

“Like what?” she asked tilting her head to the side.

Leeteuk looked down. He had never been honest with Sora about his preferences, simply because he didn’t feel she needed to know. But now was different. If he was to fix this entire situation with Kangin, he would need to be honest with her.

“Sora…do you remember one of my dongsaengs named Young Woon? His stage name is Kangin,” he clarified after seeing her eyes squint.

“Oh yes, I remember you talking about him, he was enlisted two years before you,” she said nodding.

Leeteuk breathed deeply.

“He and I…are very close. Closer than I am with the rest of my dongsaengs.”

“I’m sure Donghae wouldn’t be too pleased to hear that,” she said with a small laugh.

Leeteuk smiled, “No, maybe not. But he understands that my relationship with Kangin is different.”

“Different how?”

“He’s my best friend. We care for each other deeply, and we have for many years,” said Leeteuk looking down.

“I understand,” said Sora touching his hand.

Leeteuk’s eyes flew up to meet Sora’s calm ones.

“You do?” he asked surprised.

“Well yes. You're the leader of so many members, it’s like you’ve taken on the role as both umma and appa. But I’m sure with Kangin, he’s more like your confidant, you're friend, not your little brother or child.”

Leeteuk paused.

“I don’t think you completely understand Sora,” he said shaking his head. “I mean, yes, many times I look at my dongsaengs like my sons, and with Kangin more as an equal, but it’s deeper than that.”

“Deeper? …you're right, maybe I don’t understand,” she said standing to walk over to her kitchen. “Would you like some tea?”

“…uh, sure, yes, that’s fine,” he said putting his head down in his hands in frustration.

He didn’t anticipate it being this unnerving to explain something that was so natural to him.

Sora reached into her cabinet and pulled out two white mugs. As she went through the motions of preparing the tea, she glanced back at Leeteuk. He already looked miserable and he hadn’t even finished explaining to her whatever it was he was trying to say.

Is it possible that…no.

No.

I mean, not with Jung Soo-oppa, he…really is close with his dongsaengs. They're like brothers, nothing more.

 But I’ve never met this Young Woon. Maybe the two of them are…no.

No.

No.

…no. Oppa is attracted to women.  I mean, he has to be…right? I mean, I’ve known a few men who…weren’t.

But they are nothing like him.

While we were married, he never looked at a man…or any other woman for that matter. He only focused on me. I thought that meant he felt something for me. Just like I felt for him.

Everything about our marriage felt so real. The apartment, the dates, our wedding photos. I still have our album…I was looking at it just this morning.

I just…I can’t imagine him feeling any of this with a man.

What do the other members think?

What about his managers and company?

What about his family?!

Do they know? Or is it a secret—no, no, what am I saying, it’s not true—he hasn’t admitted anything to me yet, so it’s not true…it can’t be…please G-d, it would break my heart if it was.

Sora shook herself out of her thoughts when she gazed down at the golden colored tea. She tossed out the dampened tea bags and then headed back to the living room.

When she placed the two steaming mugs on the table, she was greeted with a small thank you, but avoidant eyes.

Maybe it is true. He can’t even look at me now. Is he so in love with this man that it hurts to see my eyes? Maybe it’s better this way...mine are full of useless tears. Why am I even crying, he hasn’t even confirmed my thoughts yet. I have to calm down, but it’s so hard to imagine what else he could possibly mean. Deeper? Deeper than what? Anything he’s ever felt with any other person? With me?

Sora blinked, releasing her tears down her cheeks.

Leeteuk was still reluctant to look back at her until he heard her sniffling.

“Sora?” he asked looking into her eyes. “What happened? Why are you crying?”
 

Sora wiped a series of tears that fell from her eyes with her right hand.

“I’m embarrassed,” she croaked out.

“Why?” asked Leeteuk rubbing her arms.

“Because after three years I suddenly realize how stupid I’ve been,” she said looking him in the eyes.

“Why are you saying this? What have you been stupid about?”

“This Young Woon…you love him?” she barely breathed.

Leeteuk stared at her for a few moments, biting his lips until he thought they might bleed.

“…yes.”

“More than a dongsaeng?”

“Yes.”

“More than a band member?”

“Yes.”

“More than m…,” started Sora but she stopped herself.

The air was thick with tension as Leeteuk anticipated Sora’s next move or question.

“How…do you…how can you love him?” she asked shaking her head.

“I don’t understand? How?”

Sora chewed on her bottom lip, “how long have you known?”

“I guess I’ve…always known. I don’t know how to explain it. When we were younger,  I didn’t realize it, but because of the years we’ve been apart, I’ve had time to develop these feelings.”

“But how? You’ve been apart for four years oppa. How could your love have grown so much?”

Leeteuk was having a difficult time reading Sora’s tone. He could feel her sadness, but he couldn’t tell if it was mixed with genuine curiosity or judgment.

“How can anyone explain how or why they love someone? You're powerless over it,” he said looking at his hands.

“No,” she said firmly. “It’s a choice. It’s always a choice to give into these feelings you have. To make a commitment to someone is a decision you make.”

“Well then…I’ve chosen him,” he said finally looking back at her.

He didn’t understand why he felt the need to defend his relationship. Did Sora really feel something for him? Was Kangin right?

Just then, Sora broke down into sobs.

“Sora—“, he started to reach out for her, but she shook her head and stood up, taking a few paces forward and around the table.

Standing with her back to him and crying for a few minutes felt like agony for both of them.

Sora could finally feel her dreams of being with Leeteuk crushing into dust. She had barely dated over the last few years, telling everyone instead that she was focusing on her career. And she had been, but it was also because none of the men gave her the feelings that Leeteuk had. Deep down, she knew she had been waiting for him all along, but she had no idea that this would be how things ended.

Leeteuk had no idea what to do. She had pushed him away when he tried to comfort her, so he knew holding her was out of the question. But why did this feel so awful for him as well? He felt like a monster for making Sora feel this way and he wished he knew how to fix it. He wanted Sora in his life, but Kangin had made it very clear that it wasn’t the healthiest option for any of them. So what to do now?

“Sora please,” he whispered as he stood up also. “What can I do to make this not hurt anymore?”

Her shoulders went up in the air and then dropped quickly as he saw her put her hands to her head. Moments later she finally faced him.

He waited calmly for her to speak.

“I just…I do-don’t under—stand,” she hiccupped.

“What don’t you understand?”

“Don’t you want a family? Children that look like you and your lover? To be married, legally? To not have your love mocked and criticized and hated?”

“Is that how you look at it?”

Sora frowned in confusion.

“Do you criticize me or even hate me for who I’ve chosen to love?” he asked, his own tears resurfacing.

“Jung Soo no! I don’t care who’ve you’ve chosen to be with. But the reality of all of this is that you have chosen a man. Something that Korea and even the whole world isn’t ready to face yet. All of this negativity and pain you’re going to face…is it worth it?”

Leeteuk was silent.

“Is it worth it,” she continued moving close to him, “when you could have a wife, that could give you all the love in the world, and children, and pride in your marriage? …I love you Jung Soo. So, so much, and I want to be that woman for you.”

Leeteuk’s eyes were blurry as tears filled them to the brim.

Sora put her hands on Leeteuk’s face and brushed away his tears with her thumbs. She looked into his eyes searching for some kind of acknowledgement that her feelings were reciprocated. She wasn’t stupid, she now understood his feelings for Kangin, but she also knew Leeteuk was a practical person. Maybe she wouldn’t be his first choice, but she could live with being his second, if it meant having an almost perfect life with the man she loved.

Leeteuk remained motionless as Sora leaned forward and softly kissed him. When his lips remained still, she tried again, but got the same empty response.

Backing away, she looked down.

“I’m sorry that I put you through all of this tonight, Sora, I know it’s not what you were expecting,” said Leeteuk calmly.

It was Sora’s turn to be silent now.

“…Kangin told me that you loved me…more than as an oppa, but I didn’t believe him. Probably because I wanted to keep the innocence our relationship had, for my own selfish reasons. …and you're absolutely right, I do want children, and it would be wonderful if they could look like me and him, but it’s not necessary. Neither is a legal marriage, or a marriage that the world supports. What matters to me, is that when it comes down to it, I love him more than I could love anyone else, and I have always felt his love and support for me. …I love you Sora…I do. But I realize that was the one thing Kangin got wrong. I love you in the way I love all of my dongsaengs, except for him. He is the one I was waiting for, for four years, and now we can love each other for the rest of our lives. So maybe you are right again, I’m making the choice to love him…the right choice for me. And I hope…I hope you can understand that, and in time, accept it.

Just then, Leeteuk’s phone vibrated.

He reached into his pocket and glanced at the text.

Hyukjae

Hyung, you need to come home. NOW.

He frowned at the cryptic message—had something happened with Kangin?

“Is that him?” asked Sora softly.

“No, it’s Eunhyuk, something has happened at the dorm—I have to get back there.”

Sora nodded.

“But I don’t want to leave you like this,” he said stepping forward.

Sora stopped him.

“Jung Soo, don’t, please. If you try to say something sweet, it’ll make you leaving hurt even more. But if you pretend nothing happened, it’ll make me feel like you didn’t care about me at all.”

“Then what can I say?”

“I just want you to promise me something,” Sora said, clenching her fists.

“I’ll try,” said Leeteuk.

“Promise me that…if you really can’t love me, that you’ll love him more than you ever thought you could. Don’t ever make him feel that he’s not enough for you…I know that feeling, and I don’t wish it on anyone, not even him… And always…always tell him how much you care for him, even if it feels like it’s too much, because it never is. And when you’ve made him cry…just kiss him, it always dulls the pain. And one last thing,” she said, her breathing shaky, “tell him all of what you just told me, every word.”

Leeteuk hesitantly moved towards her. When they stood in front of each other they stared into each other’s eyes. He cupped her cheeks with both hands and kissed her forehead.

“I promise,” he said, his lips still on her.

They both felt the vibration in his pocket this time.

Leeteuk debated whether or not he should pull away to answer it before Sora made the decision for him.

“Good bye Jung Soo,” Sora whispered, her eyes closed.

“Good bye Sora,” he said backing away.

When the front door closed behind him, Leeteuk pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at the new message.

Hyukjae

Now hyung, now.