Chapter 3

Kangin froze as Leeteuk finally sat down beside him.

“Why did you go off and disappear like that? I had to reassure everyone that I knew exactly where you would be to calm them down. Why haven’t you been answering your phone?” asked Leeteuk frowning.

“Why does anyone not answer their phone? I didn’t want to be found. I was hoping you had forgotten about this place,” said Kangin staring at the water.

“How could I forget this place? It holds so many memories for us, I’m sure you remember” said Leeteuk, trying to peak Kangin’s interest.

Again, Kangin sat motionless.

“Well, I remember,” smiled Leeteuk. “I remember the picnics we used to have here…sometimes in the middle of the night because it was the only time we could sneak away. You’d set up all of these candles and I’d be so terrified that we’d burn all of this tall grass down.”

Kangin sighed.

“I remember the time you sang that song you wrote for me…the only song you’ve ever written,” he said with a small laugh. “And it was…—

“Terrible,” mumbled Kangin.

Leeteuk’s eyes creased as he smiled, “Well…yes, but I loved it, because it came from you.”

Kangin gave a small laugh.

“I also remember the time I was angry with something one of the dongsaengs did, so we came here and I got this,” said Leeteuk lifting up his pants leg to show a faint scar on his ankle, “because you let me drink too much and I fell on the rocks.”

“Let you! You almost hit my head with the soju bottle when I tried to pry it from your hands! Thank god your perception was off,” he laughed.

“I thought that would get you smiling again,” said Leeteuk rubbing his shoulder. “I love this smile.”

The mention of love slowly made Kangin’s smile fade into sadness and Leeteuk mentally kicked himself for even saying anything.

He his lips as he watched Kangin staring off into the river again.

“Alright, I’m just going to ask you plain and simple, since you don’t want to talk about it  on your own. What’s wrong with you?”

“What are you talking about? I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well let’s see, I finally come home today after being away for two years and you’ve barely said a kind word to me, you snap at your dongsaengs, and I have to hear from the others that you’ve been moping and distant for the past few weeks. I think it’s safe to say that you’re far from okay.”

Kangin sighed. “I can’t really talk about it.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t know how to talk about it without hurting someone…or myself, “ he said finally looking at Leeteuk.

“Kangin…Donghae stopped me before I came to find you. He told me that he’s been concerned about the way you’ve been acting. He said that you watched those episodes of We Got Married and it really effected you…”

Leeteuk paused as he watched Kangin’s jaw tighten.

“I just want to understand, why did it bother you so much?” Leeteuk asked while shaking his head. “…you know that you can always talk to me about something that’s bothering you, so just say it.”

It was quiet for a few minutes as Kangin looked at his hands. He opened his mouth a few times to start, before deciding against it. Leeteuk waited patiently as a breeze blew in from the water.

He was slightly startled when Kangin finally spoke.

“I’m not sure what Donghae has said to you, so I guess I should just start from the beginning. Before you came home…Donghae and Hyukjae were watching old videos clips of you, because they were so excited about you being discharged. So one night, I sat and watched a few with them…”

Leeteuk smiled at this.

But then Kangin continued.

“Donghae decided that he wanted to watch We Got Married after a while, and that’s when I joined them. …I knew there was a reason why I had been avoiding it for so long,” Kangin’s voice became strained.

The pressure of trying to keep himself together for so long was finally getting to him and he didn’t think he could hold on much longer.

“What did you see that reconfirmed this?” asked Leeteuk softly.

“Really Jung Soo? Are you going to make me come out and say it?” asked Kangin with exhausted and sad eyes. His cheeks were beginning to turn red from chagrin.

“I think  you might have to. I don’t understand why this would hurt you so much. Yes I went on this show, but even though you were away I made sure to talk about it with you before I accepted the position. We agreed, it was good publicity not just for me, but the group as a whole. It was just acting Kangin-ah,” said Leeteuk reaching out to touch Kangin’s hand.

Kangin looked at their fingers and then he slowly pulled away, making Leeteuk’s heart sting.

“The way you looked at her…the way you laughed together…shared meals…photos…dancing…it all felt so real Jung Soo.”

“But it wasn’t, I swear to you—“

“Then why did you kiss her for ’s sake?!” shouted Kangin and he stood up and walked a few paces away.

Leeteuk sat there for a few moments completely crushed. This was the last thing he was expecting to hear coming from his lover’s lips. At this time, he didn’t even know what they were to each other anymore.

But Kangin’s words brought him quickly out of his daze.

“You love her—admit it” he said accusingly, with a hint of malice behind his words.

Leeteuk shook his head, still so confused.

“What are you talking about? It’s all over—it was over before I even left! And the kiss? I-I was caught up in the moment. It was just a simple peck, there was nothing behind it—

“Give me a break Jung Soo,” sighed Kangin running his hands over his face. “I know you didn’t stop talking to her after the show ended. You still called her and she even came to see you at your performances. I had to hear from one of the dongsaengs that she even got to go backstage to greet you, which is funny, because I remember being told multiple times that it wasn’t allowed. So how did she manage to see you, huh? Only VIP guests get that privilege, right?”

By now the tears had formed in Leeteuk’s eyes.  He was still frozen at the sounds of Kangin’s ridiculous accusations.

Sure, he cared deeply for Sora, and maybe he would even call it love. But it was different. Sora, in his eyes, was still a young girl, but most importantly, a girl. Leeteuk had long accepted that the only person he would love and be with was Kangin, a man. During the course of filming perhaps he did let himself get a little too comfortable with the role of being a husband. But it was because he knew it was something he might not ever get the chance to experience in real life. 

Though all of this was easy to admit to himself, the one part he wasn’t comfortable with acknowledging was the fact that after filming ended, he had genuinely missed Sora. He had made an effort to keep in touch with her, texting when he could, and inviting her to see his play performances, like Kangin had said. But it was all so innocent, at least, that’s what he had chosen to believe.

“So you’re not going to even try to tell me that it’s not true?” asked Kangin studying Leeteuk’s face.

Leeteuk looked at him again.

“I honestly don’t know what to say to you Young Woon,” he said wiping his eyes.

Kangin’s chest swelled and his eyes grew.

“How about that I’m wrong?! That you feel nothing for her! That she’s just some girl that you worked with! That you’ll stop talking to her! That you’ll never see her again so that we can finally get our four years back! That…that you love me and that you're sorry,” said Kangin breaking down into sobs and falling to his knees at his last words.

At this sight, Leeteuk rushed forward and embraced Kangin. He pulled his lover’s body, that seemed so much smaller and delicate than he remembered, into his arms and his back. Kangin gripped Leeteuk’s shirt harshly, refusing to look anywhere but the ground.

“Kangin-ah, look what you’ve let some silly television program do to you,” he said softly. “You’ve let it convince you that my feelings have disappeared and it’s not true.”

Kangin remained silent as his body trembled in Leeteuk’s arms.

“I would never nor could I ever stop loving you…my G-d, just the thought of it—it breaks my heart. It hurts that you could ever even think that.”

Kangin pulled away at this.

“You think that’s what this is all about?” asked Kangin through narrowed eyes.

Leeteuk shrugged, shaking his head in confusion.

“I never said anything about us falling out of love Jung Soo. It’s about her. She is the problem. Without her, we can be normal again. But if you continue to contact her, you’ll not only ruin everything we have together, but also her. She’s 25 years old. She’s doesn’t want an oppa, she wants a husband, and not just any husband, but you Jung Soo. You.” Said Kangin looking into his eyes.

As the words sunk in, the realization that he could possibly be hurting Sora finally registered with him.

It was just then that Leeteuk’s phone buzzed.

Reluctantly he pulled it out and stood shocked as he discovered who it was.

Kangin frowned as he watched Leeteuk’s response. And before Leeteuk could put it away fast enough, he caught the name on the screen.

“Well that’s just perfect I guess. Go on, I’m sure you need to answer that,” he said rising.

“Kangin, we haven’t finished this,” said Leeteuk rising as well.

“I can’t anymore…I just can’t okay.” He said shaking his head. “Not tonight at least. Just go. You have some decisions to make.”

“Where are you going?” Leeteuk moved to follow him.

“Home. Don’t worry about me anymore, I’ll be fine. It’s for me to get over now, alone,” he said. And with that, he walked away leaving Leeteuk alone by the water.

Leeteuk was still in a daze, trying to find some type of logic in the events that had just unfolded. None of it made any sense. How could he be this close to loosing Kangin over feelings that were now years old?

Again, he was brought out of his deep thoughts by his phone vibrating. He looked at the two messages on his screen.

Baby Princess

~My wangja, I’m so happy you’re finally home :)

Baby Princess

~Please call me. I cannot wait to see you.