chapter five

“I got another text. I’ll be waiting for you. Do you remember?”

 I’m sitting down with Suzy now, right at the back of the café. I’m glad the blurs of people around us don’t disturb us as we enter our own world.

I look at her and there’s something different. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail but it only highlights the deep circles under her eyes. I’m sure they weren’t there last night? Or maybe I just didn’t see them, the night being far too dark and all. But her cheeks were slightly sunken in their bones and she has this extremely fatigued expression that, if it weren’t for the fact she was wearing light makeup to hide it all, tells me she could be sick.

I nod, keeping my hands clasped in my lap. I should probably ask if she’s okay.

“I finally found out who it was,” she exhales deeply, quietly for only me to hear. “It was someone from our group back then- his name’s Jang Dongwoo.”

I keep my breaths as steady as ever, but there’s a slight anger building up in the pit of my stomach. “How did you know?”

She shrugs, “He told me.”

“He just told you?”

Nodding, Suzy blinks at me. “He wanted me to know who he was and said I shouldn’t forget him. But I didn’t- that’s why I disappeared from your apartment early-“

“Wait, you didn’t go home with your manager?” she shakes her head. “Suzy,” I say firmly, not really sure of where she was heading with this meeting. “did you even go home? Or get any sleep?”

She shrinks back into the booth, sighing. “No. I couldn’t.” Which explains her appearance. “He called me while you were still asleep, and he spoke to me. And you know what was weird? He wasn’t hostile like I thought he’d be. I thought he’d be a crazy stalker breathing down the phone at 4am telling me that I’m a murderer-“ she chokes on the last word and the angry pit in my stomach burns even more.

I shake my head, “You don’t know what he wants yet! What if he wants to hurt you?”

“But Myungsoo, I don’t think that’s what he wants-“

“Like I said, you don’t know why he’s following you around. You even said so yourself. You can’t suddenly go meeting up with him when he asks, because that’s what he’ll do next. And he’ll want to do worse, Suzy.” My eyes beg for her to understand me, to have a wider understanding of her own situation. I think she’s being too kind here, or rather naïve, but perhaps that’s just Suzy. She doesn’t want to believe in the shadow that haunt her because she’s about to leave it all behind.

She just wants to believe that with the shadow, comes a light.

But will this be good or bad?

She doesn’t reply straight away but I can practically hear her brain whirring in thought. “I think I’ll…find out what Dongwoo wants. If he just wants to talk to me, then I’ll hear him out. If he wants to-“

“Hurt you?”

“You’ll be there with me, Myungsoo.”

I freeze. “What?”

Suzy looks at me straight in the eye and it’s as if she knows I become the weakest man to walk the earth when she does that. The corners of her lips lift in a sad smile. “I know it’s too much to ask, but I really want you there. In case anything bad happens.”

Does she know I’d basically die for her?

“Suzy, I-“ I can’t find the right words to say because I’m scared I’ll hurt her if I reject her, but that’s only because I’m worried about her safety. But I’m also scared that if I do this for her, she’ll just use me.

“Myungsoo, you’re the only one I’ve ever told about my life and I’m going to keep it that way. I don’t care if we’re not the best of friends or if we don’t know a damn thing about each other, but you’re the only one who can help me with this.”

A smart man would tell her that he’ll do anything for her, that he’ll be there for her. A smart man would protect her and possibly beat up the bad guy if needed. Then a smart guy will tell her how he feels about her, that he’s possibly in love with her, and she’ll maybe accept him and they’ll live a happy life regardless of whatever’s happening.

But I’m only half a smart man.

“I’ll come with you, but promise me you won’t get into anything dangerous?”

When Suzy smiles in satisfaction, bright but tired, I know I’ve made her happy. If I told her I love her, I’ll just take this away.

I cough the slight pink tinge creeping into my cheeks and place my hands on the table, still clasped. “So, please explain what the hell happened to you yesterday leading up to when you left my, um, apartment.”

Suzy lazily grins but it doesn’t deter my slightly negative feelings of the whole situation. “I don’t remember anything from last night except for waking up at around 4am to a phone call from Dongwoo telling me he knew what I did back then. He said I can’t forget him and I’m not sure what he meant by that- either he was somewhat important before that I should be able to remember him, or that he’s a bit of a problem now to not forget him.”

“Are you sure things weren’t a little hazy? Because you were drunk.” I deadpan.

She shrugs, “I’m pretty sure I was over it when I got that phone call.”

“Did he say anything else?”

“Only to meet with him one day, to ‘straighten things out’. I’m sure it’ll be civilized, please stop glaring at me like that.”

I didn’t even realize I was giving her the evils during the conversation, but it’s kind of an automatic thing. Not that I mean anything bad by it…but the thought of her meeting her stalker and childhood…demon terrifies me to the bone. She can’t really be serious about this! I shake my head in apology and sigh in my seat. “It’s just…” Oh god, I feel like tearing my hair out. “You worry me sometimes, Suzy.”

Our conversation ended there then, with only a trail of a blush rising in Suzy’s cheeks and a silence I couldn’t help but offer.

When we both leave, she tells me goodbye and I’ll call you later, and I have to say it really hurts to stare at her back as she walks the other way.

There are so many words stuck in the back of my head, words lodged in the middle of my throat, words dwelling somewhere deep in my chest, that I want to so badly tell her, but I don’t want to lose what we have right now. Whatever it is.

-

I decide I’d pick up the phone the next time Sunggyu calls me. Of course, after four rings.

“If you’re sick then don’t even bother coming in and spreading your germs.” he says into the phone, sighing. “But I’d like a bit of warning next time.” his voice is soft and forgiving, exactly the type of boss he is (sometimes) and I almost feel guilty for missing work today.

“I’ll owe up the hours I’ve missed next week. Anything big going on?”

“Prints from your photoshoot with Bae Suzy arrived earlier today. And I gotta say, Myung…” he pauses, but I don’t know if that’s for a dramatic effect or not.

“Well?” I ask eagerly, “How’d they turn out?”

He laughs on the other end and I grin. “Perfect. Our department’s going ahead with the final print in two days. You did amazing, again, so you know. Thanks for making our magazine look a thousand times better.”

“It’s no problem, hyung. Thank you. I’ll be at work tomorrow because I’m not that sick, I’ll get better.”

“You better.”

We laugh, he hangs up, I hang up, and I jump into bed. Only to realise it’s only a bit after two in the afternoon.

Take a nap and dream of Suzy.

Pick up your phone and text Suzy.

Go have a late lunch and think of Suzy.

I groan in my bed at myself because now that I think of all the things I could be possibly doing with my time, they all end the same way. With Suzy.

What’s it like to be with Suzy?

To hold her hand and hug her close to me, to whisper in her ear that I’ll never let her go and that any fool who looks down on her doesn’t deserve her. To close my eyes next to a sleeping Suzy and wake up with her still beside me the next morning, arms around waists, legs entangled. To have her lie on my chest and listen to my heartbeats and tell her that every single one drums for her.

What’s it like to be with Suzy?

-

I’ve never had my phone ring as much as today. Almost seventy three calls (most being missed ones from work, most of that being Sungyeol calling only to leave me voicemails telling me ‘get your to work or my lunch is on you for the rest of the week’ and ‘please don’t leave me alone with Sungjong, he’s making me try on hideous hats for the fun of it, and a very treasured few from Suzy) but it doesn’t surprise me when the brightest star in my sky calls me again.

“Anything wrong?” I ask, my heartbeats pacing far too loud and hard in my chest and ears.

I could almost see her shaking her head. “Nothing. I just. Wanted to…call.”

“Um.” I swallow, unsure of what the heck I should do. That’s kinda been happening a lot lately. “Are you okay?” My voice raises itself at the end, damn it.

“Yeah. Management’s been giving me a hard time about the boyfriend thing. It’s all public now but I haven’t actually seen ?!?!?!? this week.”

“Oh.” is all that I have to say about that. Silence graces the phone and neither of us are waiting to fill it.

“Goodnight, Myungsoo.” she finally murmurs after a good four minutes.

I raise an eyebrow, but it’s not like she can see me, can she? “Goodnight? Suzy, it’s only six.”

“I know,” she laughs. “but I’m tired so I’m going to sleep.”

“Right.” I laugh too. “Goodnight then. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Wait!” she yells as soon as I’m about to press the end button. Startled, I let out a high pitched hmm? and she laughs again, but this time it sounds as if she’s nervous. And it’s so cute. “Don’t hang up yet. Later, okay?”

A squeak hidden at the back of my throat let itself out and being the idiot I am, I couldn’t hold it back. “Yeah, okay!”

This is me on the phone to Suzy. My phone bill doesn’t even matter anymore.

“Goodnight, Suzy!” I whisper, trying to hide my fanboy squeaks. I could hear her chiming laughter on the other end and a tiny goodnight, but she doesn’t say anything else after that and I’m guessing she’s fallen asleep.

So it’s just me. Kim Myungsoo. On the phone to a sleeping Bae Suzy. Cue my inner demon.

I should probably hang up.

But she said later.

Oh yeah. Then…

You’re basically sleeping with her.

I’m not even asleep.

Same thing…? But you can pretend the phone is your arm around her.

That’s totally not stupid. What if she snores? Or talks in her sleep-

It’s not like you wouldn’t love her if she did, Myung.

Good point. But what do I do now?!

Um. I don’t know. Talk to her maybe?

She’s asleep!

You know, people say that when someone talks to a person who’s asleep they subconsciously hear it. Eerie stuff, I’d say. Maybe she’d wake up and remember it. Or better- she’ll think it was all a dream and when she wakes up, you’ll be on her mind!

And cue the mental facepalm. This is far too normal for me, having self-conflicts, but it’s so freaking weird. I end up following the demon’s advice anyway, that’s how weak I am.

“I hate myself.” I groan into my pillow, away from the phone. But I end up holding the phone back to my ear and I clear my throat. Because I’m going to talk to Suzy. While she’s asleep.

“I hope to god you won’t actually hear this, but I guess it’ll be good letting it out, right?” I laugh bitterly to myself, wanting to dig up a hole and bury myself in it. “You’re going through a rough time, right? With your stalker and all. You have your modelling job and appearances as Korea’s face, you’re so busy and so…famous, yet some god up there thinks we should be friends. So our paths were paved together along the way of walking along them.”

This isn’t stupid, right?

Yes. You’re stupid too, but I don’t really think it’d make a difference. You’d still do this even if you weren’t being tempted by me.

Right. Okay. Stupid. Yeah.

I sigh and continue, trying to hold on to what’s left of my dignity.

“I’ll be a friend to you, Suzy. I’ll try to be there for you for anything and everything, I’ll buy you ice cream and hold your hand while watching sad dramas if you find that they are somewhat similar to your life. At least, I think that’s what Sungyeol tells me I should do when I’m with a girl who’s upset. But you’re not exactly a normal girl with a normal life so I don’t think that applies. Stupid Sungyeol.”

Okay, idiot, you’re rambling.

“I want to be your friend but I don’t want you to be my friend. I want you to be more. I want you to be mine as I hold your hand, or hug you, or put my arm around your shoulder, or I don’t know- buy you coffee. I don’t want to tell people that the Bae Suzy is my girlfriend, or mine at all, I want to tell people hello, this is my girlfriend Suzy and I’m so happy I’ll volunteer pay for this meal but please don’t get anything expensive because I’m just a photographer as we go on double dates with whoever’s dating these days. Okay, that’s a bit too much but it’s kind of the truth. Forgive me if that sounds creepy.”

I swallow back a moan when I realise that it sounds so weird out loud and I pray that she doesn’t remember that part, if she remembers anything at all.

“I just want to tell you that I love you.”

I’m crying.

I didn’t know until a teardrop fell over my nose and onto my pillow. Oh. Now I feel a little horrible. And there’s a pang of hurt in my heart and a tingling feeling of loss in my spine.

“I won’t lose you, will I, Suzy?”

But I don’t know why it feels like this.

“Because I really do love you.”

Why it hurts. Why loving someone has to feel like this before what, something good happens?

“You deserve all the best in the world and I just want you to be happy.”

Is it really like this?

“My…ung-“ Suzy mutters and I swear she could be awake, but she makes a sound like clenching her teeth and I’m sure she’s just talking in her sleep. “he..y.”

Myunghey. Yep, that’s me.

I laugh, despite the tears.

“Goodnight, Suzy.”

I hang up the phone and without another word to even myself, I head to sleep.

It’s six in the night, and all I have is Suzy’s voice to help me drop into a beautiful slumber.

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i apologise in always being so slow in updating! life continues to eat at me, lol. sigh// this is 2,665 words (without beta, as usual OTL) worth of a chapter update and I hope it's enough T_T  

but i'm in the process of writing all of the chapters out before updating, so please bear with me~

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