10 November. I saw a few kids today. The way they played made me smile. I like the way their laughter sounds like bells. I should probably start buying my family’s christmas presents, shouldn’t I? If I wait too long, everything might be gone.

11 November. The sun was out today! It was really warm, even though winter is coming soon. It will start snowing, also. I should buy some salt. Add that to the list of things I need to buy.

12 November. Mom came to visit me today. Asked me if I was feeling alright. I thought it was an odd question. Why wouldn’t I be feeling alright? Mom can be weird sometimes.

14 November. I forgot to write yesterday, but I bought the salt! I hope it doesn’t start snowing soon, though.

15 November. I almost didn’t write today. It’s 2 in the morning. Nothing special happened. 

17 November. It’s starting to get colder. I can feel winter coming. People are buying heavier clothing. The sky is getting darker.

20 November. I saw a bird get run over today. I was walking home from the park when a car came speeding down. They didn’t even stop after running it over. I buried the poor thing, though. It’s under the swingset. 

21 November. There aren’t as many kids out now. I guess their parents don’t want them getting colds.

23 November. I wish I was a kid again. 

27 November. It started snowing today. Lot’s of it. I hear people outside, laughing. Why can’t I laugh anymore?

2 December. I still haven’t bought my family’s christmas presents. 

5 December. It’s getting colder, and the snow is getting thicker. There are fake santa’s everywhere now. 

7 December. I feel like the snow is suffocating me.

13 December. Mom had me stay with her for a few days. The family had a good time. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be here, where I can’t hurt.

17 December. I haven’t left my apartment in 4 days. Work keeps calling, but I don’t want to go. 

20 December. There’s only 5 days until christmas and I haven’t put anything up or bought anything. I can’t leave.

23 December. I feel so sad. I was fired from work. At least I don’t have to leave my apartment.

25 December. Mom wants me to come over today, but I don’t want to. I didn’t buy their presents. Why can’t I do anything right?

27 December. Everything is dark. My head hurts. I just want to sleep. 

30 December. This will be my last time writing in you. I just wanted to say good-bye before I go. 

—— 

SuHo set the torn up journal next to him, along with the pen. He stared at the tattered pages, his only friend. It sounds silly, but it was true. He reached to his left, grabbing the barber shop razor he picked up from the pawn shop. They said it was vintage. SuHo stared blankly at the wall, his body moving mechanically as he rolled his sleeves up, pressing the cool metal against his skin. 

He watched his own hand slice his arm vertically, the red liquid pulsing out. He felt the pain, he felt his veins splitting, and he felt his hot tears falling onto his cheeks. But he reveled in the pain, finally able to feel something.

After a few seconds, he felt his hand going numb. Before he lost all feeling in it, he transferred the razor to right hand, repeating the action on his left wrist. He stared down at the blood collecting at his feet, staining his carpet. He cut almost all the way up to his elbow, the blood was pouring out fast. 

SuHo grabbed his pen and journal, bringing it into his lap. Pressing the tip of the pen to the paper, the red stained his words, but he was able to write one last thing before he closed his eyes. 

Numb.