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“ Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

 Others stay a while, leave footprints on our hearts, 

and we are never, ever the same again. ”— Flavia Weedn

 

 

 

Chanyeol couldn't have stepped into Baekhyun's life at a more perfect time — Baekhyun was 20, and Chanyeol had always looked 20. To be honest, he never knew why time seemed to have stopped right when he passed his teen years, but then again, there were a lot of things Chanyeol didn't know about himself.

 

Sometimes, he even thought he knew more about Baekhyun than he did about himself. He knew every little detail on Baekhyun's face, could tell Baekhyun's left hand from his right. He knew that Baekhyun liked to sing out loud in the showers because he thought it was only natural to, and that he liked to brush his fingertips over the back of his left hand and draw little circles on them because that was his way of telling Chanyeol he wanted to hold hands.

He knew that right from the start, Baekhyun was something different.

 

The truth was, however, that Chanyeol wasn't 20 like Baekhyun thought he was; he was actually far from it. In fact, he had lived 20 years multiplied by a million, if not by a billion times more. He had seen the world change century by century. Park Chanyeol was immortal, and he had seen it all.

 

And in Park Chanyeol's everlasting life, there was also Byun Baekhyun. Baekhyun, who had a really bright smile and liked to make Chanyeol playlists of his favorite songs. Baekhyun, who was 20 but looked like 16 and acted like 5. Baekhyun, who was just supposed to be another passing being in Chanyeol's lackluster stay on Earth.

 

But he was far from the last one.

 

 

One day in June, Chanyeol is out in the cherry blossom park near his home, favorite Nikon D90 camera in hand as he clicks away at the beautiful scenery. It's what he always does in June when the leaves of the cherry trees he so loves decide to flutter down to become one with the earth again. Chanyeol watches as the baby pink petals float down, slowly and gently like feathers — not one by one, but not quite like a rain either. It's soothing, the way they fall, and he captures a perfectly timed tableau of it.

 

Humming a light tune, Chanyeol walks along the path he's walked for over thirty years now. He stops to take another picture here and there — one of a mother and her child walking hand in hand down the opposite road that takes them to the pond. It occurs to him that he's seen the boy before, but he's definitely bigger this year. Things can change a lot over the course of one year, but to Chanyeol, these changes are minuscule.

 

This year, it seems like the leaves have started to fall a bit later, but maybe, it's just Chanyeol who's late. Time seems to slow down as each year passes; it's not something he wants but it's something that happens anyway because life has always been slow for him. These days, the mornings and afternoons seem to blend together in a fuzzy haze because morning coffee is overrated and Chanyeol doesn't have anywhere to go, or anywhere to be anyway. For some odd reason frozen in time, Park Chanyeol has long since stopped trying to live. He simply exists, and he's more than fine with that.

 

 

Breathing in the scent of the calm, afternoon air, Chanyeol decides that he should sit so he does just that. The wooden bench under the big, cherry blossom tree looks inviting and his legs are tired anyway. The view from the bench is strangely interesting, too, as he can see a young man around his late teens (or entering the first of his twenties) scurrying about with a notepad in hand and a pencil in another, head turning this way and that as he takes in the scene around him. He takes a deep breath and jots something down in a flash - a journalist or writer of some sort, Chanyeol thinks. He watches in amusement as the young man brings his pencil to his mouth to chew it in deep thought. It's weird how his eyebrows crinkle into a frown as he plays with the air in his cheeks. However, Chanyeol decides that it’s a new, if not good kind of weird, so he brings his camera to his eyes, focuses the lenses, and snaps a picture. 

 

 

 

The second time Chanyeol meets Baekhyun is in front of the new architecture firm in town. It’s late at night and Chanyeol is walking home from his shift at the convenience store he works at. He’s been noticing the new building that replaced what used to be a Chinese meat bun restaurant; the change is rather nice. Architecture has always been something very distant from him because no one ever decides to set up architecture firms in the corners of Seoul where he lives. Chanyeol lingers by the new building, eyes glazing over the sign and the high, tinted windows.

 

Suddenly, a loud noise comes from inside the building and that’s all the warning he gets before a pile of papers and files come flying his way through the door. Chanyeol falls backwards and lands on his palms as something collapses on top of him.

 

“Oh my god, I'm so sorry!”

 

A soft grunt leaves Chanyeol as he lifts his head up to see who the clumsy bastard is, only to find a petite, pale-faced boy with shiny eyes that are wide in fear above him. He freezes for a moment at the closeness because Park Chanyeol really hates touching, but the boy (or man, half-man, whatever he is) scrambles off of him quickly and runs his fingers through his bangs.

 

“Sorry,” he says, giving Chanyeol an apologetic smile as he smoothens down his fringe awkwardly.

 

Chanyeol dusts his knees as he stands up, looking down at the midget man as he clears his throat. “It’s… It’s fine.”

 

The shorter seems stunned for the second that Chanyeol opens his mouth and ends up blinking rapidly. “Whoa…,” he mutters.

 

Chanyeol frowns a bit and steps away from the strange boy. He only notices now that it’s the same one from the park a few days ago, but it’s not anything unusual because he knows the town is small. He’s run into a few familiar faces before after all. What’s weird though, is that Chanyeol has never seen this small man around, excluding the first one-sided encounter. He's been living in the neighborhood for longer than he can even remember, so naturally, he deems this strange.

 

“Talk again.” The boy blinks, staring up at him with an intrigued expression.

 

“Uhm…,” Chanyeol mumbles, unsure of what to say. The boy’s face lights up into a smile and Chanyeol thinks for the third time in those two minutes that this kid is seriously weird.

 

“You have a really nice voice,” the boy marvels, smiling with all his teeth showing. It’s kind of intimidating because Chanyeol has rarely had smiles directed toward him, and definitely not this kind of smile either. He hesitates before spilling out a murmur of thanks because suddenly, he feels self-conscious.

 

“Gee, just look at this mess,” the boy sighs to himself, running a hand through his brown hair as his eyes graze over the mountains of paper on the floor. Some are sketches of regular, mundane skyscrapers while others are convoluted designs of colorful arrangements. That’s what they look like to Chanyeol – arrangements. The structures don’t seem like they can coexist with the law of physics, but then again, Chanyeol doesn’t know anything about architecture so maybe they can.

 

Chanyeol watches as the boy rolls up his sleeves with a determined puff of air and starts picking up the papers. He feels like he should walk away and leave the boy be because he rarely interacts with humans, but for some reason, his feet stay rooted to the ground, knees bending forward, and the next thing he knows, he’s on the floor helping the boy pick up the rudimentary pencil sketches.

 

“Oh, thanks,” the boy says, glancing up at the taller. He flashes another winning smile as he stands up, and Chanyeol stares at his face as he hands the boy the pile of files.

 

“I just moved into the neighborhood so I’m probably a new face to you, aren’t I?” The boy laughs, tucking the files in his arms and safely bringing them to his chest. Chanyeol looks at him, expressionless.

 

“My name is Byun Baekhyun, if you wanted to know.” So-called Baekhyun smiles, offering Chanyeol a hand. “Nice to meet you?”

 

Chanyeol stares at Baekhyun’s hand but eventually takes it in his own. He’s not used to using his voice or even his body to uphold a conversation with someone for over a minute anymore, so this is certainly an uncomfortable situation. Baekhyun laughs at the light shake and grips Chanyeol’s hand harder with surprising strength. The shake this time is firm and tight – it’s warm around Chanyeol’s hand. The warmth feels as weird as the smile Baekhyun keeps giving him.

 

“This isn’t really the best situation to meet someone new in, but you’re the first person I talked to after the workers in the firm and you seem really nice so… uh…” Baekhyun his head. “What’s your name?”

 

Chanyeol frowns at the question and quickly draws his hand away, wondering exactly why he's still standing there for the smaller to gawk at. Without another word, Chanyeol turns on his heels and walks away, even though it’s the opposite direction from home. The instinctive alarms in his head are going haywire, telling him not to talk to the small Baekhyun person because the more he knows about the boy and vice versa, things just get overly complicated. But Baekhyun will never understand, and Chanyeol swallows a sigh as the strange boy just catches up to him, holding onto his tail.

 

“Hey, why are you going away? I just asked for your name.” Baekhyun pouts, struggling to keep up with Chanyeol’s long strides.

 

“I’m just heading my own way,” Chanyeol says as simply and bluntly as he can without hurting the boy’s feelings. Is he even a boy? He sure looks like one.

 

“Oh, really? Well then that’s good! I’m going this way too,” Baekhyun chippers, and Chanyeol almost stops in his tracks. “What a relief - it was a scary thought to walk alone in this dark hour anyway. I guess I have someone to accompany me now!”

 

Chanyeol stays as expressionless as possible and continues walking.

 

“So… can you please say something?” Baekhyun prods into his view a few minutes into their walk. Chanyeol’s eyes flicker to the boy’s and for a moment, he thinks he’s seeing things because they’re shining like two little stars - like Baekhyun only sees sunshine in this world.

 

“Like what?” Chanyeol asks, wondering why he’s even answering in the first place.

 

“Geez,” Baekhyun shivers, grinning like an idiot as his shoulders shake. Chanyeol stares at the strange sight, and when Baekhyun notices, he bursts in giggles. “Sorry, your voice just gets me every time.” He laughs, and Chanyeol wants to go home.

 

“Since you won’t tell me your name, can I just call you Mr. Voice? Or… voice ahjussi? Or…”

 

“I’m not an ahjussi,” Chanyeol sighs, eyes boring down at the shorter. Baekhyun tilts his head in question.

 

“How old are you then?”

 

Chanyeol’s lips zip shut at the inquiry.

 

“You look about my age,” Baekhyun thinks out loud, rubbing his chin thoughtfully as best as he can with the bundle of files in his arm. “So I’m guessing… 20?”

 

Chanyeol shrugs, not giving him a definite answer. The short boy looks him up and down and raises an eyebrow. “Wow, but you’re kinda tall for a 20 year-old,” he remarks.

 

And then Park stupid Chanyeol accidentally sputters out a laugh because who in the world says anyone looks too ‘tall for a 20 year-old’?

 

“Are you sure you’re 20?” Baekhyun asks, leaning into Chanyeol’s view. Chanyeol just half-nods or maybe, shrugs again. Baekhyun is still confused either way.

 

“So, 20 year-old not-ahjussi guy, how long have you been living around here?”

 

They turn a corner and Chanyeol has no idea where they’re headed, but somehow the thought that everything about this meeting and that this Baekhyun kid is really, really out of his normal routine doesn’t even cross his mind once.

 

“Too long,” Chanyeol replies, keeping his answers short. It’s been a while since he last talked to someone other than just “$2.75 please” and “Thank you” at the convenience store.

 

“Oh, well that’s cool,” Baekhyun nods eagerly. “Then you must know everything around here, right?”

 

Chanyeol nods although he isn’t sure if he knows everything. It’s probably close to it anyway, so he leaves it at that.

 

“Then you must know that the architecture firm is new too, right?” Baekhyun asks, a smile on his face again. Chanyeol nods.

 

“Yeah, I moved in with the building,” Baekhyun says happily with pride.

 

“Do you work there?” Chanyeol gets around to asking, mouth moving numbly. Maybe it’s too late at night to think straight. Normally, he wouldn’t talk to these somewhat strangers that come and go in his daily life.

 

“No, not really. I’m just trying to get an internship there. Trying.” Baekhyun emphasizes the last word, holding up the bundle of papers and shaking them in the air. “This is as good as it gets.”

 

Soon, they round another corner and it seems as though they’ve reached their destination because Baekhyun slows down and points to the illuminated building down the road. “Well, there’s my stop,” he says with a smile. “It sure was nice talking to you.”

 

Baekhyun offers him a hand again but Chanyeol doesn’t know if he wants to leave just yet.

 

“Aren’t you going to go home?” Baekhyun asks, metaphorically waving a hand in front of Chanyeol’s blank face. “It’s pretty late.”

 

Chanyeol thinks for a moment, but nothing comes up in his head. He feels some sort of spark inside of him but it’s an obscured, dull one. It still doesn’t explain the question he asks next.

 

“Can I watch what you do?”

 

Chanyeol wants to convince himself that he’s just interested in architecture - he just wants to know about those colorful ‘arrangements’ on those sallow sheets of paper. This has nothing to do with Baekhyun – not at all. He’s just curious about architecture. That’s really it.

 

“… Uhm, sure,” Baekhyun says slowly, thrown off at first. A smile reappears however. “Yeah, sure. Why not? It gets pretty lonely by myself anyway.”

 

“Cool.” Chanyeol nods, shoving his hands inside of his pocket and bounding towards the flashing ‘OPEN’ sign of the bright building first. Baekhyun follows with a raised eyebrow, but he’s glad to have made a new acquaintance in the dull neighborhood so fast.

 

 

 

The first and only thing Chanyeol sees when he enters the wide, grimy double doors are copy machines. Big ones, little ones, office fax machine type ones on the side – there’s literally every kind of printer and copy machine in the world in there, and Chanyeol blinks as Baekhyun tumbles in after him.

 

“Pretty overwhelming, eh?” Baekhyun says, putting a hand to his hip. “They probably don’t  even need all these to be honest though.”

 

Chanyeol gets over his daze and follows Baekhyun as he weaves his way through the myriad of gray machines. There’s a low whirring in the air from all the overheated printers and it gives off a nice, calm vibe. Baekhyun smiles as he arrives at an opaque box of gray that has pencil streaks marring the top and bottom with chips on the sides. Chanyeol raises an eyebrow at the choice, but Baekhyun rubs the top affectionately. “No one ever uses these old ones,” Baekhyun explains, propping open the cover, "but they're the easiest to use." Chanyeol watches as the boy immediately sets to work, arranging the files in his folders so that he can scan them easily.

 

“My job isn’t all that fun, but you can still watch if you like,” Baekhyun says, laying down the first of the sketches and pressing the red knob to start the copy machine. The machine hums and swipes a bright green beam across the paper as Chanyeol nods and carefully watches each of the designs that pass through Baekhyun’s hand. It’s interesting, the way they look, and Chanyeol wants to take a picture of them all.

 

“Is this all you do?” he asks. "Make copies?”

 

Baekhyun nods, too engrossed in his scanning to even look up. It looks like he’s memorizing every sketch before he transcribes them, and Chanyeol recognizes this expression of sheer concentration. He recalls thinking that Baekhyun was a writer, too,  and frowns. Strange.

 

“I go back and forth between the office and the copy machines, and do all the little jobs like fetching coffee,” Baekhyun answers.

 

“So you’re like a peon, basically,” Chanyeol concludes. Baekhyun looks up, and Chanyeol expects to see some kind of negative emotion spread over his face because stupid Park Chanyeol can’t take note of human feelings, situations, and all that social crap anymore, but Baekhyun just smiles brightly.

 

“I guess.” Baekhyun shrugs. “For now,” he adds, and Chanyeol breathes a sigh of relief because he'd thought he’d said something offensive.

 

For a while, the two just stand there as Baekhyun scans and copies, scans and copies. Chanyeol strangely doesn’t get bored and instead, absorbs the abstract shapes on the papers like a sponge. He learns a lot about Baekhyun too – most notably that Baekhyun talks a lot.

 

In the short span of two hours, Chanyeol learns all about Baekhyun. They’re only walking back from the printing office, and already, Chanyeol knows that Baekhyun doesn’t have any siblings. He doesn’t have any parents left either. He has a passion for singing even though he thinks he isn’t good at it, and he’s scared to death of bugs. Byun Baekhyun is a blossoming landscape architect, or he wants to be anyway. He’s not enrolled in a university yet, but he’s trying. He serves as a “consideration for intern” at the small division (the one in town) of some big company that’s owned by a genius billionaire. They treat him like soggy meat, but Baekhyun is happy nonetheless. He really does all his work whole-heartedly, no matter how trivial it is – even if it’s just something as simple as making copies of blueprints or delivering morning coffee. Baekhyun lives with effort.

 

The boy also says that his dream is to visit Paris one day, because the architecture there has always intrigued him. He actually mentions Paris five times during the short walk.

 

Another thing Baekhyun mentions is that he wants to build a gargantuan eco-friendly dome that "acts as an architectural tree by filtering the air." It’s supposed to preserve what little green they have left in the city. Chanyeol asks why Baekhyun took up architecture, and the boy responds by saying “Don’t you want to create your own little world sometimes?”.

Like this, Baekhyun has big dreams.

 

Chanyeol learns that Baekhyun also really likes animals and nature. He likes dogs, and it’s funny because Chanyeol thinks the boy looks like a puppy himself. Somewhere along the way, Chanyeol accidentally slips his name from his tongue, but Baekhyun doesn’t make a big deal about it. It doesn’t take long for Chanyeol to figure out that Baekhyun doesn’t really have a place to stay either, and when they reach the doors of the firm again, they stand there for an awkward moment, wondering if that was where they parted.

 

But Chanyeol doesn’t want to part. He hasn’t talked to someone in such a long time and it feels good to talk to Baekhyun. He wishes it didn't though, because it only tells him how lonely he must have been before.

 

So somewhere along the way, “I should go” turns into “You should come with me” even though Chanyeol doesn’t like getting attached to humans. But Baekhyun is more like a puppy anyway, so it’s an exception. Chanyeol offers the young boy a place to stay for the night, though there isn’t really much to offer. Chanyeol’s house consists of one big mattress and a couple of blankets he makeshifts into a bed, but he’s sure Baekhyun will find more comfort there than on the hard sofas in the office.

 

Naturally, the architect seems to hesitate, but in the end Chanyeol drags him to his house anyway. He remembers watching the boy fall asleep next to him that night, back turned toward him on the far side of the bed because Baekhyun is polite, even in his sleep. In his mind, Chanyeol knows he’s going to regret ever following Baekhyun into that small, suffocating copy room, but right now, all he can think of is how calm his heart feels from letting out the words he’s trapped inside his chest for so long.

 

 

When Chanyeol wakes up the next morning, Baekhyun isn’t in bed. That’s because said man is dangling his legs off the second floor window of Chanyeol’s apartment and singing to the freaking birds. Chanyeol cracks an eye open and almost flips because Baekhyun looks like he’s about to fall any minute, but then he hears the voice and all things shut down in his brain.

 

Baekhyun is singing, and his singing is beautiful. His voice is beautiful.

 

Chanyeol’s body falls numb as he watches a dumb smile spread across Baekhyun’s happy-go-lucky face when the birds chirp back a string of messy notes. Baekhyun’s voice is so, so smooth, and Chanyeol gets into it like a black hole. The fact that Baekhyun is communicating with birds at six in the morning is really, really strange, but just Baekhyun in general is plain weird, so Chanyeol guesses this is just one of the “Baekhyun things” that Baekhyun does. After a good five minutes of singing to the birds, the boy hops down and notices that Chanyeol is awake. He politely asks if he can shower, and Chanyeol nods.

 

Baekhyun sings in the shower, too.

 

It’s kind of funny and Chanyeol has to stifle a laugh once or twice because Baekhyun is so into it, but mostly, he just lies there in bed and breathes really hard because Baekhyun’s singing seriously does things to the air in his lungs.

 

Baekhyun comes out buoyantly fifteen minutes later with a towel over his wet head and Chanyeol offers him a shirt that barely fits (the sleeves hang past the bend of his elbows). He thanks him again for everything, and the older breathes a sigh of relief when the boy walks out the door. Interacting with humans is something Chanyeol will never get used to and he hopes to keep it that way.

 

 

 

Chanyeol’s relief is completely thrown out the window, however, because a couple days later, Baekhyun comes knocking at his door at five in the morning, bounding in like a deer.

 

“Baekhyun, what are you doing at my house?” Chanyeol frowns, blinking the sleep out of his eyes.

 

“We’re gonna go watch the sunrise today,” Baekhyun announces.

 

Chanyeol’s hand stops mid-rub and he stares, dumbfounded. “No, really, Baekhyun. What are you doing here?”

 

“I’m serious!” Baekhyun laughs, and Chanyeol tries to resist everything about the boy but he can’t. Baekhyun never gives him a chance to retaliate. “And besides, I had to give you your shirt back.”

 

 

Before he knows it, Chanyeol is paying the bus fare to the nearest pier and Baekhyun is smiling next to him. It’s the same, intimidating smile, but Chanyeol finds something new in it because his heart is feeling light again and he can’t stop it.

 

 

“Why are we doing this again?”

 

“It’s a repayment for taking me under your wing that night.”

 

“You really don’t need t-“

 

“I just want to be friends with you, honestly.” 

 

 

 

It isn’t until after a year’s visit to the ocean’s sandy shores that Chanyeol starts writing letters to Baekhyun. As the days pass, the words he wants to say are rapidly increasing but he never knows how to say them. So instead, he resolves to writing them on paper.

 

Except Chanyeol never gives those letters to Baekhyun. He keeps them in a box in his desk drawer even though all of them start with “To Baekhyun” and end with “From Chanyeol”. Some thoughts are too personal to share; Baekhyun doesn’t know enough about him after all.

 

The day Chanyeol picks up his pen, Baekhyun comes ringing at his doorbell and shimmies in playfully with another one of his resplendent grins painted on his face. Chanyeol has grown used to Baekhyun visiting whenever he pleases, and knows that usually, if the shorter comes at this hour, it means “Let’s go watch the sun rise and sun set and spend a whole day with sand between our toes.”

 

Chanyeol doesn’t complain.

 

At the beach shore, Baekhyun’s heart is soaring as he holds out his arms by his side and runs through the soft sand. Chanyeol watches as he tries to hold back a smile and walks slowly, feeling the sand wade up his pinky toe every time he takes a step deep enough. The offing glimmers in the calm light and the sun is setting, painting the sky with beautiful shades of orange and pink. Chanyeol holds his camera to his eye and focuses it before he snaps a perfect picture. Baekhyun’s head pokes out in the corner comically and Chanyeol laughs.

 

“Chanyeol, Chanyeol! Come look at this!” Baekhyun shouts loudly, hand beckoning the taller over.

 

“What is it?” Chanyeol asks once he catches up to the happy pup. Baekhyun grins at him and points to the floor. He’s holding a large stick in his hand and looking proud. 

 

Chanyeol’s eyes move to the floor, and what he sees amazes him.

 

It’s a design – Baekhyun’s dream dome, outlined into the grainy sand with detailed precision. There are lines everywhere and Chanyeol doesn’t really understand much of what Baekhyun has drawn, but he takes in all of it anyway. It takes his breath away how amazing Baekhyun’s ideas look like on paper, or in this case, sand, because never in his life has he seen something as incredible as this. Everything is detail, detail, detail, and it’s the first time Chanyeol sees just how talented Baekhyun’s pretty hands are.

 

“What do you think?” Baekhyun asks, smiling. Chanyeol looks up and takes in all of Baekhyun too. There’s a bead of sweat on the side of the boy’s forehead, and Chanyeol almost reaches out to wipe it away. The effort Baekhyun puts into this simple yet abstract masterpiece stirs something in Chanyeol’s heart and he admires the boy for a second, letting the image of the light falling on Baekhyun’s head hang a halo over him.

 

“Look, here’s where it starts,” Baekhyun sets out to explain, pointing his stick at the base of the dome where glass meets earth. It looks like half of a soccer ball, except it’s hollowed out and made of glass. It looms protectively over a small field of grass in the middle of a city, and under it, the small city critters relax in the serene tranquility. It looks like a tiny portion of paradise amidst the gray, drab shops and towering glass skyscrapers – it looks like heaven.

 

“And here, see? Solar powered panels!” Baekhyun exclaims, pointing his stick towards the small rectangles drawn on the roof. “And an automatic watering system with built in sprinklers just in case there’s not enough rain!”

 

Chanyeol watches the stick and the hands that hold it. Baekhyun’s hands are beautiful: pure, white, and soft, just like Baekhyun himself.

 

“And, and this too!” Baekhyun is tumbling over his own words in excitement. “Here, the bad air goes in and good air comes out, and –”

 

Chanyeol looks up and watches the way Baekhyun’s eyes shine.

 

“And… and the animals graze here, and people can visit if they want to, and sit on this bench –”

 

Baekhyun smiles widely, breaths coming out short and sharp because he’s overwhelmed and breathless as he takes in his own work.

 

“And we can walk there every day and watch the smiles on everyone’s faces because it’s so nice to see people smile, isn’t it? And this, it’s going to… It’ll be…”

 

Baekhyun swallows, takes a deep breath, and looks at Chanyeol.

 

“It’ll be like our little world, right? Just you and me together behind it all. We can build this together and call it ours; wouldn’t that be great?”

 

 

 

The words still ring in Chanyeol’s ears.

“…Wouldn’t that be great?”

 

 

 

Dear Baekhyun,

 

You really are amazing.

 

From,

Chanyeol

 

 

 

 

It’s a few weeks into that year’s winter, when the leaves of the cherry trees have long fallen off, that Baekhyun scrambles to Chanyeol’s house at five in the morning for a different reason.

 

“Chanyeol! Open up!”

 

Chanyeol is at the door two minutes later, groggily rubbing his sleepy eyes open as always. Cold air greets him before Baekhyun does, and Chanyeol rubs his arms, shivering.

 

“Chanyeol, it’s snowing! The first snow is here!” Baekhyun laughs excitedly, grabbing Chanyeol’s lazy hands and jumping up and down in the air. “It’s snowing, Chanyeol!”

 

Chanyeol watches Baekhyun bob up and down and he can’t help but crack a sleepy smile.

 

“And you know what we’re going to do?” Baekhyun asks, lips spreading across his face.

 

“What are we going to do?” Chanyeol asks with a chuckle.

 

“We’re going to be the first ones to walk on the snow,” Baekhyun responds, cheeks bursting with happiness.

 

“Why do we have to be the first ones?” he asks.

 

“Because the first is always the most special,” Baekhyun answers, simple as that.

 

And then Chanyeol is pulled into Baekhyun’s world again as he leaves the house with a coat, muffler, and a snug pair of mittens. Baekhyun’s world is filled with new sights and warmth, and Chanyeol can’t get out.

 

 

 

“Well, I mean, technically, I’m the first one since I stepped on the snow to get to your door, but we can still say we were the first ones.”

 

Baekhyun’s hand grips tightly around Chanyeol’s and there is warmth all over.

 

“The both of us – you and me – because we’re always together like that; right, Chanyeol?”

 

 

 

 

 

Winter passes with the soothing aroma of coffee from the café by Chanyeol’s house because it’s too cold to go to the beach. Baekhyun breaks out into a fit of laughter every time the foam from the cappuccino stays on his lips, and Chanyeol wants to take a picture but he always forgets to bring his camera. It doesn’t matter anyway though, because the soft foam on his own lips and the warm scent of caramel macchiatos linger in his memory, day after day.

 

After winter comes spring, and May greets them with Baekhyun’s birthday.

 

“When’s your birthday?” Baekhyun asks that day, blinking up at Chanyeol.

 

“I don’t have one.”

 

“But everyone has a birthday!”

 

“... I don’t.”

 

Chanyeol lets it slip and it’s only then that he remembers Baekhyun doesn’t know a single real thing about him. Baekhyun doesn’t know Chanyeol will never be able to wilt like everyone else, and for the first time, Chanyeol feels something inside him shatter.

 

That night, Chanyeol wants to write Baekhyun a letter, but all that comes out is a heavy emptiness.

 

Dear Baekhyun,

 

 

 

Fall comes and Baekhyun takes Chanyeol to see the stars. Chanyeol is dragged out of the house like any other day, and this time, they board a bus and ride for hours without end. Somewhere along the way, Baekhyun's hand comes to rest on Chanyeol's and their shoulders brush against each other again and again. They're much too close and Chanyeol hates touching, but Baekhyun is warm and the night is cold so he doesn't move away. He can't move away.

 

Once the bus halts to a slow stop, Chanyeol and Baekhyun step off and a dirt road greets them. Chanyeol has no idea where they are, but Baekhyun leads the way and takes Chanyeol up a small, grassy hill. The sky is clear with no clouds, and darkness falls gently over them. Baekhyun falters a bit and accidentally trips.

 

“Be careful, Byun Baek,” Chanyeol hisses, and lifts him back up on his feet. Baekhyun just laughs as Chanyeol accidentally tickles his sides.

 

Once they reach the top of the hill, Baekhyun sheds off his jacket and lays it on the floor. Chanyeol does the same and they sit down, the blades of grass poking, tickling under them.

 

“Where are we?” Chanyeol finally asks.

 

“Gangwon-do,” Baekhyun replies, gazing up into the night sky. Little specks of light litter the darkness and twinkle invisibly, one by one. “I used to come here a lot with my family.”

 

Chanyeol glances at the shorter and watches the moonlight catch his eyes. Baekhyun turns his head toward him and gives him a soft smile. “It’s nice here, isn’t it?”

 

The placid wind flutters over Chanyeol’s skin and he nods.

 

Baekhyun stretches his arms back and falls on top of his jacket, contently closing his eyes. He nudges Chanyeol with an elbow and drags the taller down with him, laughing.

 

The night is still and Chanyeol relaxes, letting the sound of the chirping crickets soothe him. He looks up and there is a big, bright moon that shines down on them. The stars bask in the moon’s light, too, and emit some of their own; Chanyeol doesn’t know which are parts of a constellation and which aren’t, but they all look beautiful to him.

 

“Do you stargaze often?” Baekhyun asks, tilting his head to carry his voice over.

 

“Not really,” Chanyeol replies, eyes glazing over the glinting dots in the sky. “Do you?”

 

“Not as often as I want to,” Baekhyun says, gazing up again. “There’s never any time.”

 

“Time?” Chanyeol asks, words mulling over his tongue. Time is something Chanyeol always has. “Why not?”

 

“I’m just so busy all the time; you know how it is. Monday through Friday at the architecture firm, Saturdays and Sundays spent with you,” Baekhyun explains. “I have so much to do, yet so little time.”

 

“I say you’re lucky,” Chanyeol says, closing his eyes. “I have the time, but nothing to fill it with.”

 

Baekhyun glances at the other and gives him a weak smile. “It’s kind of sad how life never works out perfectly for anyone, isn’t it? Some people have things that mean nothing to them, but everything to another. People are never satisfied with what they have, I guess, even if it's all someone else could have wished for.”

 

Baekhyun turns his head and sighs. “Maybe God switched those ‘wants’ and ‘needs’ of everyone around so that people can work together. You know, to find their happiness. Share and indulge, yeah?”

 

“Maybe,” Chanyeol replies, though only half of what Baekhyun says makes sense.

 

“Hey, then wouldn’t that mean we’re meant to be, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun jokes. “You have what I want, and I have what you want. We balance each other out, huh?”

 

Chanyeol smiles a bit, and Baekhyun laughs as he squirms closer, lets their shoulders touch again. Chanyeol doesn’t move away this time either.

 

“I’m glad I met you, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun breathes, gazing up at the golden brown hair and making his way down to study Chanyeol’s smooth features. “Really, really glad.”

 

Something compels Chanyeol to look down at the gently smiling boy, and their eyes lock.

 

Forever, he thinks. He wants things to be like this forever.

 

 

Chanyeol’s head feels fuzzy at the corners as Baekhyun’s orbs shine and sink into the deepest parts of his heart. He can’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth.

 

“Byun Baekhyun,”

 

“Yeah?”

 

 

“… Move in with me.”

 

 

 

Dear Baekhyun,

 

These days, I feel like I’m falling into step with everything as it is. Time doesn’t slow down anymore except for the hours spent at the convenience store on my shift; I wonder if it’s you that’s making life speed back into pace because the days with you go by so quickly.

 

Honestly, I don’t know where I’ve been stuck this whole time, wandering and wandering in a loop - every single day used to be the same. Was I stuck in the past or the future? I’m not sure myself. But what I do know is that no one has made me feel like I’m living in their time like you do, Baekhyun.

 

Thank you.

 

From,

Chanyeol

 

The following winter, Chanyeol wakes up to the sound of Baekhyun humming as morning coffee brews in the old coffee pot. Baekhyun fixes it up once he moves in, and now every day's routine is the same: Baekhyun wakes up early in the morning to pour in the coffee mix, takes a quick shower as he sings at the top of his lungs, then comes back out with a towel over his head, smiling like an idiot before waking Chanyeol up with nice, warm, hazelnut coffee.

 

With every month that passes, Baekhyun brings something new and interesting into their lives. This December, it’s cassette tapes.

 

One day, Baekhyun follows Chanyeol to the photo printing shop; Chanyeol’s memory card is too full with their memories and Chanyeol needs somewhere else to store them forever, so while the taller patiently waits for the photos to be processed, Baekhyun roams around and suddenly, his eyes land on an old cassette player and a box of tapes.

 

“Chanyeol!” Baekhyun calls. “Look, they have cassette tapes here! How old is this thing? Wow!”

 

Chanyeol turns his head and Baekhyun is there, all smiles as he taps the dusty block.

 

“I want one of these!” Baekhyun marvels.

 

“What would you need that for?” Chanyeol asks with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Camera Ahjussi!” Baekhyun calls to the back room before turning back to Chanyeol. “What do you mean, what for? To record songs, duh!” he says, laughing.

 

Chanyeol rolls his eyes with a chuckle.

 

“Ahjussi! Camera ahjussi!” Baekhyun calls again, craning his neck. Chanyeol shakes his head as the old man peers out through the small door frame.

 

“What is it?” the man asks. Baekhyun points to the cassette player and grins.

 

“How much is this, camera ahjussi?”

 

“Baekhyun, you’re really going to buy that?” Chanyeol butts in.

 

“Shhh, Chanyeol!” Baekhyun shushes, turning to the shop owner again. “How much is this?”

 

The shop owner chuckles, shaking his head. “That’s not for sale.”

 

“Why not?” Baekhyun whines, jutting out his lower lip.

 

“The thing doesn’t sell,” the old man explains. “You see the dust there? Nobody wants that anymore. You can take it if you like, sure, but it’s gonna cost you.”

 

“How much?” Baekhyun asks, eyes rounding.

 

“I’d say about 450?”

 

“Ahjussi!”

 

“It’s antique, boy! Take it or leave it.”

 

 

Baekhyun slumps, and Chanyeol eyes the brown machine.

 

 

The next few months, Chanyeol works really hard. He takes up an extra shift at the convenience store while Baekhyun, now promoted a rank, practices and learns how to utilize his imagination to create the most mind-blowing base sketches. The only thing on Chanyeol’s mind is to raise enough money by Baekhyun’s birthday because it’s the first birthday present he’s going to give to Baekhyun and the first is always the most special.

 

February and March whiz by with Baekhyun presenting each and every new sketch he makes, and although he hasn’t graduated university yet or doesn’t have a diploma, the firm hires him as a designer because of his abilities that increase alarmingly by the day. Baekhyun comes home ecstatic every night and rambles on and on about if concrete or linoleum would be more efficient, or if he should ask the project manager if he can go visit one of the construction sites, or if he’ll ever be able to visit Paris and the Eiffel Tower one day. Chanyeol listens with his feet dangling off of the mattress, cup of hot chocolate in hand as snow falls gently outside. Baekhyun always starts off next to Chanyeol, but sooner or later, he gets excited and it’s not too long before he’s pacing around the whole room, jumping around and creating a whole new world from his imaginations.

 

 

“And the entrance to the park can go here,” he says, pointing to a corner of the bed. “With the trees and the nicely paved dirt road curving around the corners there.”

 

Chanyeol watches as Baekhyun leaps over the bed and dashes to another corner of their room. “And here, this is the place where the whole garden starts, and everything in the room leads back to this on the main road. Do you see what I’m saying here? It’ll be like Rome, Chanyeol, but in a park form!”

 

Chanyeol laughs approvingly and gives Baekhyun a thumbs up because the smile on the younger’s face is bigger than anything else in the world. To Chanyeol, that smile is all that matters.

 

But still, he can’t deny the feeling that Baekhyun is slowly drifting away from him. It’s not that they’re not always together because they are, minus their day shifts, but Chanyeol feels a barrier crawl up between them every time Baekhyun talks about the architecture firm or how nice the workers there are to him. He doesn’t know if it’s just him that’s fading or Baekhyun that’s fading, but the fading is undeniably there and Chanyeol grows afraid.

 

 

 

 

May comes, and it’s Baekhyun’s birthday again. It’s not the first of Baekhyun’s birthdays they’ve spent together, but it’s the first time Chanyeol has prepared something for the younger so the day is special.

 

“Happy birthday, Byun Baekhyun,” Chanyeol whispers, early in the morning as soon as he wakes up. Baekhyun rubs his eyes sleepily and turns to him, grinning sheepishly.

 

“You remembered,” he laughs.

 

“Go check the closet,” Chanyeol urges, smiling.

 

“Why? Is there something in there?” the younger asks, eyes widening immediately. Sleep is jerked out of him in an instant. Chanyeol just grins and shrugs, turning his body away.

 

“You got me something?!” Baekhyun cries, jumping out of bed. He charges towards the closet and his jaw drops to the floor when he sees what’s inside.

 

Chanyeol draws the covers over his head, expecting a scream or at least a loud gasp, but nothing comes. Confused, Chanyeol peeks out of the blankets and sees Baekhyun on the floor.

Crying.

 

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol calls immediately, ripping the covers off. “Why are you crying?”

 

Baekhyun holds the brown cassette recorder and new set of sketching pencils in his hands and hugs them close to his body.

 

“Hey, Byun Baek, you okay?” Chanyeol asks, sitting down beside the younger.

 

Suddenly, Baekhyun wraps his arms around him and Chanyeol in his breath in shock.

 

“C-Chanyeol,” Baekhyun bawls, tears streaming down his face and blearing his vision. He holds on tight to the tall male. “You idiot.”

 

Chanyeol doesn’t know what Baekhyun means by that, but he runs his fingers through the shorter’s hair and whispers calming words into his ear.

 

Baekhyun brings himself out of Chanyeol’s arm after what feels like forever and bashfully looks up, bangs poking at his eyes and his face, red and blotchy.

 

“Thank you, Chanyeol. You're the best.”

 

 

 ♫ Hi Chanyeol! I hope this plays correctly. I'm still learning how to do this whole "recording tapes" thing so I don't know if my voice will sound too clear, but — Wait, am I even recording?  I'm pressing the butto-... Oh, yeah, I am. Sorry, Chanyeol. Promise the second one won't have my voice in it. I just wanted to try this out just in case I ever wanted to record something other than the songs I'll be putting in my playlists. I really do hope you like this first one. The first is always the most special, remember? Thank you for this, by the way. Oh, and Chanyeol! You should smile more. Your smile is the best in this world. ♫

 

 

 

June and July pass, and Chanyeol already has a box full of the “playlists” Baekhyun makes him. He plays it occasionally when Baekhyun is late from work, letting the sound of Baekhyun’s mind and soul fill up the room because home without Baekhyun is too quiet.

 

 

In August, Baekhyun comes running home with a lavender paper in his hand and as soon as he barges in through the door, he slams Chanyeol with a hug.

 

“Chanyeol!” he cries.

 

“What?” Chanyeol blinks, arms frozen by his sides because Baekhyun is binding him.

 

“I’m going to Paris!”

 

“… What?”

 

“Paris! I’m going to Paris!” Baekhyun hugs Chanyeol tight and screams in delight as he manages to lift the giant up a centimeter off the floor.

 

“I’m glad, Baekhyun. I’m really glad.”

 

They sit down once Baekhyun has calmed down enough and the taller asks him how he got such an opportunity.

 

“My division manager apparently has some business there, so he’s taking a handful of people just for the heck of it – well, not really because we’re supposed to be sight-seeing and learning as we travel, but yeah, he’s taking a few of us and he picked me! He picked me! So I’m going to go to Paris!”

 

Baekhyun laughs for the hundredth time that day and Chanyeol smiles back because he’s happy for Baekhyun – he really is. But there’s a throb in his heart that won’t go away and when night comes, Chanyeol finds a lump in his throat.

 

For the next few days, he finds himself playing Baekhyun’s playlists over and over again.

 

♫ Just please don't wander away from my sight.

Please don't disappear, even when the morning comes ♫

 

 

“When are you leaving?” Chanyeol asks, two weeks after Baekhyun drops the news. Baekhyun looks up from his sketches and gives him an excited smile.

 

“November 25,” Baekhyun replies, and Chanyeol mentally counts down the days.

 

“How long will you be there?”

 

“Three months.”

 

>Chanyeol’s face falls. “Three months?”

 

“Yeah, three.”

 

“… Be careful there, okay?” That's all Chanyeol can say.

 

Baekhyun gives him a nod. “Don’t worry, Chanyeol. I will.”

 

 

 

 

By the end of September, Chanyeol realizes a lot of things. Sometimes, it hits him in the middle of the night that Baekhyun is going to be leaving soon, and the thought scares him even though he knows Baekhyun is going to come back. On other nights, he realizes that someday, it won’t just be three months and that Baekhyun might be gone forever.

 

Chanyeol doesn’t know exactly when it is that he falls in love with the boy. Perhaps it’s the day Baekhyun first takes him to see the sunrise or perhaps it’s the day they go stargazing. Or maybe it’s the day Chanyeol finds out Baekhyun is going to go to Paris. It doesn’t matter when it starts though, because he only realizes it now. And when he’s reminded of the reason why he doesn’t get attached to people and places alike in the first place, reality slaps Chanyeol hard in the face because he remembers.

 

Baekhyun can’t last forever like he does. One day, Baekhyun won’t be there to make him coffee and mixed tapes. He won’t be there to sing in the showers at six in the morning and chirp with the birds. He won’t be there to make Chanyeol’s house into their own little world, where Baekhyun is magician and Chanyeol, spectator. Reality slaps him so hard, in fact, that tears roll down his face and the way they burn on Chanyeol’s cheeks tells him everything he never wanted to know.

 

He loves Baekhyun. It’s evident when he can’t push those sparkling two eyes away – when he doesn’t want to push them away. He wants to hold on tight and never let go because for once, Chanyeol is living in the present.

 

But Baekhyun's time is too much to ask for.

 

 

Sleep evades Chanyeol as the days dwindle down to a measly number. There are four days left until Baekhyun has to go, and Chanyeol feels a heaviness in his heart he's never felt before.

 

“Baekhyun,” he calls that night, right before they go to sleep.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Be careful, okay?”

 

“I will, Chanyeol. You don’t have to worry.”

 

Silence fills the room again as usual, and Chanyeol swallows the lump in his throat that always seems to linger there. No matter how much he swallows though, the lump doesn't go away and it’s not too long before he cracks.

 

“Baekhyun, do you…," Chanyeol whispers, voice breaking as he watches the way moonlight falls on Baekhyun’s turned back. Even after all this time, Baekhyun leaves most of the space on the mattress to Chanyeol because Baekhyun is Baekhyun, and he cares about small things like this. “Do you have to go?”

 

Baekhyun tenses visibly as he hears the pain in Chanyeol’s voice for the first time.

 

Chanyeol wants to stop himself, but he can’t help it when he closes the distance between them and hugs Baekhyun’s small body from behind. He does it even though he hates touching because Baekhyun feels warm and real. He feels like eternity in Chanyeol’s arms.

Baekhyun has always felt like forever to Chanyeol from the moment they met.

 

“C-Chanyeol, I –”

 

“Just for a minute, okay?” Chanyeol chokes out, wishing Baekhyun would stop talking. His head rests on the curve of the shorter’s neck as he wills the blurriness in his eyes to go away. “I know. I don’t want to do this either, but just…”

 

Baekhyun waits until Chanyeol’s tears sink back into his eyes, and rubs slow circles on his arm.

 

“I promise I’ll be back soon. I’ll be back before you even know it,” Baekhyun whispers. “And when I come back, we can listen to all my tapes together and sing along to them. We can go to the beach like always; nothing’s going to change.”

 

Baekhyun, shut up.

 

“When I get to Paris, I’ll send you all the postcards in every single souvenir shop and all my new sketches too. You’ll see me improve like always, and we can call each other on the phone if we want, right? It might cost a lot, but –”

 

Baekhyun, you don’t know anything. Just shut up.

 

“We’re always together, remember, Chanyeol? You and me. When I come back, I’m going to be an improved Baekhyun, and you’ll be a better Chanyeol and we can start building that glass dome. It’s going to take a while, so we should start on it early, right?”

 

Baekhyun, just…

 

“Don’t worry Chanyeol,”

 

It’s all just rambling.

 

“I’ll come back, and you’ll be here as always. We’ll drink caramel macchiatos and cappuccino on cold days and –”

 

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol interrupts, breathing hard and ragged from his violent heartbeat. Baekhyun swallows nervously as Chanyeol’s breath ghosts over his nape. “Just stop.”

 

Baekhyun feels something pull at his heart when the arms leave his waist, and all of a sudden, Chanyeol is hovering over him with tears in his eyes. They threaten to fall on Baekhyun as his weak arms fall by his head, lips mere inches away.

 

Baekhyun closes his eyes when Chanyeol’s lips brush against his.

 

“…It’s much too late, Baekhyun.”

 

 

The next day, Baekhyun holds Chanyeol's hand as they walk over the wet sand with their shoes clacking in the other, matching their footsteps as they cast two mirroring shadows. One is long and the other is short, but in the calm silence, the two blend into one.

 

Baekhyun’s palms are sweaty and Chanyeol feels it too, but neither breaks away because time is always against Chanyeol. Although it shouldn’t be, it feels like this is the last chance they get.

 

At some point, Baekhyun stoops down to pick up a stick and Chanyeol squats down with him, hands still intertwined and hesitant to let go.

 

Baekhyun struggles as he tries to write something in the wet sand with his left hand.

 

“Are you okay now?"

 

Chanyeol stares at the words silently. Baekhyun offers him the stick, but Chanyeol doesn’t know how to respond so he doesn’t take it.

 

Baekhyun glances at Chanyeol’s blank face and feels his heart drop. The waves at his writing and it slowly ebbs away.

 

 

 

A couple of hours later, Baekhyun tries again.

 

“Are you okay now?”

 

Chanyeol takes the stick this time, gathers his thoughts, but the words don’t come out the way he wants them to. He wants to tell Baekhyun not to go. He wants to ask Baekhyun if he can just stay with him forever.

The words slice through the ground and Chanyeol wants them to stay there, but they fade away as the waves come and go, and Baekhyun squeezes his hand.

 

“Byun Baekhyun, I love you.” 

 

 

The night before, Chanyeol remembers a damp pillow under his cheeks. Baekhyun is fast asleep but Chanyeol is wide awake, having trouble breathing as he lies there, taking in all of the boy’s face. For some reason, it feels like it’s his last chance to memorize those handsome features. Chanyeol doesn’t know why it feels like something terrible is coming, but he holds Baekhyun’s soft hand tight in his and covers it with gentle kisses, because that’s the best he can do without letting Baekhyun know how much he wants him to stay.

 

 

 

On the day the world comes tumbling down, Chanyeol sees Baekhyun off at the airport and the younger pulls him in for a long, steady hug.

 

“Be careful, okay?” Chanyeol whispers one more time and Baekhyun nods, kisses him lightly, squeezes his hand.

 

“I will.”

 

The plane leaves and takes a part of Chanyeol with it, but it never comes back.

 

The plane never comes back.

 

 

The next morning, Chanyeol wakes up and there is no coffee. There are no birds chirping and no singing flooding out from the bathroom. There is no laughter, there is no sound. There is no Baekhyun.

 

Chanyeol gets up and checks his phone. There aren't any calls from Baekhyun, but it’s too early to be worried. Chanyeol looks out the window and the ground is completely wet. It must have rained very hard last night. 

 

 

The next day, there are no calls either. Chanyeol frowns at his empty phone and stares at it for the first few hours of the morning. The house is quiet, so Chanyeol turns on the TV and a news anchor speaks into her microphone.

 

 

“Yesterday, November 25, 2012, a plane from Seoul to Paris has crashed into the mountain of—“

 

 

No.

 

 

“76 passengers killed in the impact, the plane was completely destroyed,”

 

 

“The fire department says it is hard to identify a few of the dead bodies and –”

 

No. No, no, no.

 

 

 

 

“- the airline will be contacting family and connections as soon as –"

NO.

 

 

 

Chanyeol’s remote flies out of his hand and there’s a ringing in his ears.

 

 

 

 

“Park Chanyeol-ssi?”

 

 

“Speaking.”

 

 

“Ah, good evening sir. We’re calling from the Incheon Airport. We've contacted to inform you–”

 

 

Everything blurs.

 

 

Byun Baekhyun, I told you to be careful.

 

  

The next day, a package arrives at Chanyeol’s house, but Chanyeol doesn’t move out of bed. The initial shock numbs him from the memories that only come flooding later. His hands tremble once they find the courage to open the package, and in it, there is a note.

 

“These are the items we were able to retrieve from   Byun Baekhyun . Please return them if they are not rightful possessions of this passenger. Thank you.”

 

The note is so simple and heartless – just a copy and paste for each of the 76 deaths. Chanyeol grips his heart as he opens the lid and spills out the contents.

 

There isn’t much in there, just a charred bottle of shampoo and one of Baekhyun’s favorite jackets, singed at the sleeves. Chanyeol picks it up in his shaking hands and holds it close to his chest, covers his eyes as fragments of hugs and almost kisses, caramel macchiato and morning greetings jar through his head. He covers his ears when Baekhyun’s voice calls out sweetly to him, “Chanyeol, Park Chanyeol,” because three months will have gone and gone but there won't be anyone in the room to call him that anymore. Chanyeol wants to cover his heart when it rips and pounds in his ears; when the pain throbs in his whole body; because it's too much. But he can’t. Baekhyun is in too deep already and it hurts, hurts, hurts everywhere.

 

Chanyeol curls into a ball and screams into his knees. For a short second, he feels numb – like the roar has blasted out his anger until all that remains is fatigue and a thin sheet of sweat. When he opens his eyes, the room is dark and there is no Baekhyun. There won’t be a Baekhyun anymore, and Chanyeol feels the walls clamp down on him, suffocating his lungs. There are so many words he hasn’t said. So many hugs he could have given. So many more almost-kisses. So many “I love you”s that could have slipped from his tongue and so many “I love you too”s.

 

Chanyeol feels something fall out of Baekhyun’s jacket pocket and he feels nauseous when he sees that it’s a cassette tape in perfect condition. He crawls to the cassette player and plays it even though he knows how much more damage it will do to him. Baekhyun’s voice floods out and fills the room through the speakers, and there’s so much slamming in and out of Chanyeol’s head that his vision grows black from all the hot tears and gritted screams.

 

 

♫ Ah, ah. Testing, testing. Is this recording? Oh, wait, the red button is blinking, yay!

Park Chanyeol! It’s me, Baekhyun. Happy birthday! I know, you’re probably thinking “What do you mean, birthday?”, right? Yeah, I know. But I was planning on picking a birthday for you for a long time now, so ta-dah! I wanted a special day to be your birthday since birthdays are really important, but I couldn’t really think of one so let’s just say that it's the day this finally gets to you. So if this is the first time you’re hearing this, Chanyeol, happy birthday! ♫

 

♫ I don’t know if you knew, but I’ve been recording things every day before you woke up. Before I take a shower, before I put in the coffee mix. I never really got around to telling you this, but I just hope you know how thankful I am for someone like you in my life. You’ve done so much for me so far, to the point where I can’t even repay you, but here’s my first birthday gift to you, Chanyeol. Keep this safe, okay? The first is always the most special, remember? ♫ 

 

Chanyeol hears Baekhyun even in his dreams; when night has fallen and day has passed, Baekhyun still lingers and never disappears.

 

 ♫ When time passes by, I’ll still be by your side because we’re always together, right, Chanyeol? So when I go to Paris, don’t feel sad okay? It’s not that I want to leave you; it’s just that Paris has been my dream my whole life and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity - I hope you understand. When I’m there, we can count down to the days I come back home and we’ll miss each other so much that when we meet again, we’ll love each other even more. Let’s think of it that way, Chanyeol. Okay? ♫

♫ Hmm, well this is getting long and I have to finish recording the songs before you wake up, so I’ll end it here. I’ll probably send this tape to you sometime after I arrive at Paris. It’s too embarrassing to give it to you right now. I hope you don’t make fun of me for being all mushy gushy. This is hard enough as it is, Park Chanyeol! Well anyway, I should seriously wrap this up. Don’t forget to wake up on time for your morning shifts, and keep taking pictures even though I’m not there, okay? When I come back, I want to see how much fun you had without me. Seriously ending it now, haha. I love you, Chanyeol. Bye! ♫

 

 

Monday, April 20th, 2013

 

Dear Baekhyun,

 

Baekhyun, I...

 

Sometimes, I feel dumb. I keep writing these letters to you even though I know you'll never get them. I keep playing your cassette tapes even though I'm scared they might break. The first playlist you made for me is playing right now and I know, it's stupid. But I need to hear your voice, Baekhyun.

 

♫ Guide me,
to the place you are at.
Take me there with you.
Even if it's at the end of the world,
I'll follow you. ♫

 

There's times when I feel like crying. When I sit at home with the rain falling quietly on my roof at two in the morning, I remember the times you used to crawl next to my heater with all my blankets bundled up around you. You always said you got cold easily, remember? I bought a mattress heater because of you. I still have it now; I really don't know what to do with it. Sometimes, I turn it up and put my hand on there; it doesn't make me feel any better though.

 

Camera Ahjussi asks about you, Baekhyun. I think I've told him once before that you weren't here anymore, but you know how it is with old people. They forget things. But then again, I'm old. I'm older than Camera Ahjussi. I'm so damn old but I can't forget anything, Baekhyun. I can't forget the days when the first thing I saw when I woke up was your smile. I can't forget the way your hair fell into your eyes and poked at them right after you showered because your bangs were always too long. I can't forget the way you gave life to our house, sprinkling it with your fairy dust and making me smile.

 

And I can't forget the promises you made either, Baekhyun.

 

You said we'd listen to all your tapes together when you got back. You said we’d go to the beach like always. You said you'd come back soon. But where are you Baekhyun? Because you're definitely not here.

 

Your stupid playlist is still going but you're not ing here to listen to it with me. You said we’d always be together, you and me. Where are my postcards, Baekhyun?

 

My tears are smudging the ink at the corners and I'm trying so hard not to let them fall because you're not here to wipe them away for me, but I can't, Baekhyun. The tears just won't stop tonight.

 

They haven't stopped since November.

 

I miss you,

Chanyeol

 

♫ Just please don't wander away from my sight.

Please don't disappear, even when the morning comes ♫

 

 

Sunlight falls gently on Chanyeol’s hair, lands softly on his shoulders and maybe sinks a little into the depths of his soul. A light breeze flitters by and whispers in his ear, tickling it with the remnants of something that doesn’t want to be forgotten. The salty smell of the ocean rushes into Chanyeol’s nose and lingers there like it’s the first time, and seagulls cry quietly overhead.

 

In his hands, his shoes are clacking together as he walks barefoot on the wet sand. Water brushes by his feet, once, twice, and Chanyeol closes his eyes, listening carefully; in that moment, the sea ebbs away and time is warped backwards.

 

There is no Baekhyun walking hand in hand with him anymore, but Chanyeol walks nonetheless. The footsteps he leaves behind disappear almost immediately with the incoming waves. Some stay longer than others though, because they're paved in deeper. It’s funny how Chanyeol's traces tell of the people he has encountered in his life - some fade away quickly and others stay a bit longer.

 

Baekhyun doesn’t fade though. Baekhyun doesn’t go away no matter how many times Chanyeol writes his name in the sand and watches the ocean sweep it away. When things get hard to bear, Chanyeol comes down to the shore and writes out his feelings in the sand, watches the sea drink up his pain. But even though the pang of grief disappears slowly over time, the very essence of Baekhyun still remains.

 

Popping open a clear glass bottle, Chanyeol crouches down in the sand, takes out a paper and pen, and starts to write. The words don’t flow and his handwriting still isn’t perfect after all the letters he’s written already, but when he finishes, he slides it through the slim hole anyway because he knows Baekhyun won’t mind. And just in case it’s too bright up in heaven to read, Chanyeol ties his voice to the side, wraps the cassette tape with wax paper, and drifts it away in the sea.

 

 

 To the one who left me behind,

 

Byun Baekhyun, the ink in my pen is slowly dying out. I guess I've been writing to you a lot these past few days. Yesterday, I thought a lot about what I should write in this letter because it’s the first letter I’ll be sending to you, but I couldn’t think of anything. I just want you back, Baekhyun.

There’s so much I have left to say, so much I have left to do with you. I still want to love you - today, more than yesterday, and tomorrow, more than today. I want to live every day with you in my heart, each time I walk down this sandy road. So I'll walk this for the both of us.

 

Baekhyun, you’ve been leaving footprints in my heart since the day we met; please don't stop now. Stay until you’ve covered every inch of my heart with your footprints, until the rocks in my heart crumble under your feet and turn into sand - and when there’s nowhere else left to walk, just stay there in place and be by my side. Because I wrote your name in the sand, Baekhyun. And I watched it fade away. But I'm not like the sand. I can't forget you.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if you came into my life to feed me pieces of your own - to show me how living is done, to break me a piece of your heart and soul every day, every time. Are you gone because you’ve fed me so much that nothing remains in you any longer?

 

I’m really sorry, Baekhyun. I’m sorry for the years I’ve spent with my head in my hands. Because if I could give you half of what I’ve lived so far, or half of what I have left, I would do so in a heartbeat. If anyone deserves to live, Baekhyun, it’s you.

 

Maybe one day, when there’s finally an end to it all, I’ll be able to meet you again - join you where you are, tell you everything I haven’t been able to tell you so far. One day, I’ll be able to tell you how big of a milestone you were in my life, tell you “I missed you” over and over again until my knees feel weak and you hold me in your arms again. But for right now, I’ll just hold my place here, keeping your cold spot warm because I know it’ll be filled again.

 

 

Baekhyun… I miss you. I miss you a lot. But sometimes, that’s okay too, right?

 

It’ll be alright. Down here, and up there where you are too. We’ll be alright.

 

 

 

I just hope you know how much I love you, Baekhyun. These words aren’t enough - our time wasn’t enough. Even my time won’t ever be enough to express everything.

 

 

But I’ll say it a thousand times more if I need to.

 

 

Baekhyun, I love you.

 

Today, tomorrow, and the days after that.

 

 

 

I love you Baekhyun,

forevermore.

 

Love,

Chanyeol.

 

---

 

 

 

 

A/N; Check chapter 2 for the author's note and chapter 3 for the epilogue ♥♥♥