*chapter thirty five;

The past two weeks Soah had been doing nothing other than just lying in her bed and reflecting her life. She felt lifeless, restless, her heart aching so much like never before. Every morning, she woke up with a larger whole in her heart and as soon as she realized what happened, why she felt that way, she began to cry again.

After she awoke, a few tears would always drop on her cheek which she tried to wipe away immediately. She didn’t want to think about Luhan. She didn’t want to feel that way, but there was nothing she could do to change it.

This was what it felt like to lose the love of your life and she wanted it to stop, because it hurt so much.

Her mother called her to come eat something and she did. Her father called her to fill in some sheets for her new school and she did. Her sister called her to help her with the courses and she did. But she did those things without speaking a word, without happiness, without liveliness. She ate, she slept, she watched tv, she talked with her family, but behind that mask was still the girl who was so hurt and in so much pain that even the people who loved her the most couldn’t do anything against it.

Soah needed Luhan, no one else.

She was hoping that he would call her, text her or appear in front of her door, but he never did. She had been staring out of the window for days to look out for a blonde guy and every time someone passed, her heart skipped a beat just to be disappointed right after. Luhan never tried to contact her and with every day that went by she lost a little more of her hope that he would ever do so. Maybe he already decided to break up with her.. maybe he already did break up with her since the last time they saw each other.. Soah didn’t know anymore what was going on between the two of them and it was this suspense that was slowly destroying her inside.

But still – she missed him. She missed him much more than that time he went to Beijing because back then she knew he would come back to her.

She missed his voice, she missed his beautiful smile, she missed his sparkling eyes, she missed his gentle touches when she was looking out for his hand.. she missed his whole presence although her mind said that he still wasn’t ready to see her.

Almost the whole time, Soah was questioning herself: Was he thinking of her? Was he still looking out for her? Was he even asking himself why she didn’t show up in school for two weeks? Did he still care about her enough to think about these things? These were questions where she couldn’t find an answer to, but she wished so much that he didn’t already forget her. That he didn’t move on so fast. That he would think about everything and come back to her. But two weeks were a long time and after every day she lost a little more hope.

Everything she had now were just her memories. The beautiful memories they’ve made together and when she laid in bed, closing her eyes, she could still feel Luhan’s presence. She could swear that it felt more than real, that, when she turned around, he would be laying there beside here, lifting his hand and brushing her hair out of her face, softly, just to whisper that everything was just a bad dream.

And then he would kiss her to take her pain away, to prove her that he was real and he would never leave. And when Soah was up to the point where she believed this, where she would let herself be tricked by her own imagination, she would turn around and open her eyes, hoping to see Luhan’s face smiling at her, but this wasn’t the reality.

When she opened her eyes, she was alone, realizing that Luhan wouldn’t turn up. Not now. Not soon. Probably not in a long time. And then she would cry again.

When she first encountered Luhan, Soah didn’t know that he would change her life so grave. That he would turn out to become such an important person up to the point that she thought she couldn’t live without him anymore. And no matter how cheesy and corny it sounded – it was true. She couldn’t live without him. She needed him, because he was the person who led her into the light after she experienced such pain. Back then, she gave up on love, built barriers to defend herself, because she didn’t want to get hurt again. She didn’t want any guy to touch her, to get near to her. Doing so meant she needed to trust someone.

Trust was something very important. Unconditional trust wasn’t easily given. It has to be earned. A person’s heart, which trusts someone, is stronger than any other’s. But a heart, which was filled with sorrow and sadness with the feeling of being betrayed, was vulnerable and violate.

In the very beginning, Soah had, had such a heart and everything she needed was someone whom she could trust again. Someone, who would heal her wounds, who would make her feel happy and loved again, who would show her that a betrayal didn’t mean she needed to shut everyone out.

Although Luhan didn’t know anything about her past, he never asked. He never questioned who that guy was and what he did to her exactly. Never did he make a move to force her telling him about her former lovers and experiences. Luhan just took her like she was: The girl he got to know after spring vacation, the girl he had to do a school project with and most importantly: The girl he was in love with for five years.

When she rejected him for the first time, he kept on fighting. When she rejected him for the second time, he didn’t give up either. When she rejected of being touched by him, he took his time with her and moved on, taking babysteps up to the point they were now, even if that would mean that he had to suffer by himself. Luhan always had to forgo the things he wanted to do just to make sure that she was okay, that she was content and that she wasn’t scared of him.

Every memory was still in her head, so near and clear like it just happened yesterday.

Th