crushed veneer.
skinny love.
He discovered the disturbing truth while hugging Luhan on stage for fan service. His own thin arms could have wrapped around the impossibly tiny waist twice. The ribs leaving indents in his embrace. Nothing between skin and bones.
Days later their duizhang came running to him, panic evident in his voice as he announced that Luhan had collapsed. Yixing pasted on calmness like a shield of armor as he followed Kris to a waiting van full of his non-blood blithers. When he stepped into a too cold hospital room that smelled of antiseptic and fear, Yixing felt his shield cracking as he took in the sight of an impossibly paler Luhan hooked up to beeping machines and fluid drips.
He stayed.
After their manager snuck the rest of members out into the night. After darkness became sunrise, until he memorized every line of slow pulse on the screen.
Until he could have blind man shaped the concave stomach that shuddered with each halfhearted breath, like Luhan was slowly leaking out soul with nothing to replace the emptiness that was left.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- When Luhan gets released two days later, everyone acts like nothing had changed. Except Yixing. He repeatedly presses his hand over Luhan's diaphragm when his breathing wheezes. He cooks the blonde's favorite meals and lets no one touch the food until he is satisfied that Luhan is overstuffed. He buys a journal and gifts it with a fistful of half drained pens he found around their shared dorm room. The present comes with strict instructions to write down everything he can't say aloud. The next morning, a slightly flushed Luhan asks for another journal because he had already filled the first. After the fifth journal and a solid month, Luhan corners Yixing as he tidies his side of their room. The volumes are clumsily into his arms. Luhan is silent, all nervously chewed lip and trembling kneecaps, as he flees their sanctuary. He reads the first page, the penmanship shaky and most out in doubt. Four more pages and Yixing's fists are curled in anger at himself for not noticing, for not preventing the ugly memories staring him in the face from the journal pages. The handwriting became more confident and unwavering by the time Luhan began to write about the individual members in their tight knit group. Luhan notices everything. He noticed that Chen smiles and sings but calls his mother every night with tears in his eyes. He noticed the way Xiumin puts his puffed cheeks on display only to sit with his eyes closed every time he encounters a mirror because he sees nothing but ugly in his own reflection. He noticed Tao drools over name brand merchandise but buys the cheapest piece so he can send the rest of the money he earns to nameless people that need food more than he needs shoes. He noticed how Kris covers his stress with antacids and waves to fans, the way the leader silently grins and bears the weight of every mistake. When Yixing spots his own name he freezes in fear. He cringes at the disgust that surely is associated with whichever secret Luhan has discovered. What he reads has him dropping the book carelessly and searching out the older man. 'Yixing is like me. He covers up everything, but I think his is with strength. Mine is from lack of spine. He protects me even when I don't deserve it. I am nothing but dirtiness, I disgust myself.' Yixing finds Luhan sitting criss cross apple sauce on the living room couch. He notices the way he draws away every time Tao or Xiumin shift, like he is ever ready to escape any impending touch. "Yixing," Xiumin notices him standing there finally. Luhan nervously glances his way and all he wants to do is tackle the boy into his embrace to never let go. But he knows that would be too much, too soon. Instead he shoves Tao playfully until he can sit next to Luhan. Peeking from the corner of his eye, he watches the instinctive wince when he takes the slender hand into his own. Despite the insistent tugging for release, Yixing holds on until he feels the pulse regulate under his thumb. When Luhan's attention returns to the animated movie on the television, Yixing leans in close until he can whisper into the fluffy hair shielded ear. "You always deserve to be protected. Lulu, you are precious to everyone. You could never be disgusting." For the first time, Luhan breaks down. He only sobs harder when Tao kneels in front of him with worried eyes and a box of tissues. Xiumin foregoes his baozi routine to smile sweetly and leave with a promise to return with ice cream and bubble tea. Luhan notices everything. Thus he noticed that Yixing refused to let go of his hand and personally wipes away the staining tears from his face. He noticed how the younger man shakes his head when Tao hovers a hand over Luhan's skin with a hug in mind, because he knows that it would be the last straw to break Luhan's false shell. He noticed that Yixing's mouth wasn't moving but Luhan can hear nothing but promises from the younger man.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- Luhan swallows repeatedly as he stares at the room full of guys he has finally realized actually care whether he is starving or a breath from death. "I have been going to a therapist." He cuts through the torrent of concerned voices to speak again. "And part of my treatment is telling the truth," Luhan pauses but continues when he sees a smiling Yixing coaxing him. "I am severely depressed. I, well use to, starve myself. I was really self destructive because I have this really big secret just eating at my insides. I have been too ing afraid to tell anyone because I don't know how you will react. Although I have an idea, and I don't think it will end well." Luhan lifted his downturned face to take in everyone's expressions when he spilled the words that could break apart his life. "I am... I'- I'm gay." He waited for the disappointed stares and snarled lips of disgust. He would wait forever.
________________ a/n: okay, you know me. i just can't keep from teasing you. so this is the first half of this one shot so technically i guess this is a two shot now. keke^^ after going back and reading my other stuff i realized how similar this piece is to young and beautiful. but then again it is different because Luhan is broken here because he knows that he is gay and it is taboo in his culture. in young and beautiful, he suffered from extreme ocd and panic attacks from some past trauma we had no idea about. i kinda like this fic more because i actually am going into depth of Luhan's feelings and reasoning behind his destructive mannerisms. anyways, phew. let me know what you think so far! i am really excited to write the rest of this, the next part will be the growth of layhan's relationship and contain way more dialogue. look forward to it. p.s.- sorry for the super duper long a/n but i just could stop myself. i am overexcited due to the upcoming comeback and the fact that i MOST PROBABLY MAYBE am going to K-CON this year. my heart cannot handle this. also, i am fighting myself so hard to restrain myself from writing nothing but ty smexy wolf fanfics with ridiculous pairing. forgive me.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- When Luhan gets released two days later, everyone acts like nothing had changed. Except Yixing. He repeatedly presses his hand over Luhan's diaphragm when his breathing wheezes. He cooks the blonde's favorite meals and lets no one touch the food until he is satisfied that Luhan is overstuffed. He buys a journal and gifts it with a fistful of half drained pens he found around their shared dorm room. The present comes with strict instructions to write down everything he can't say aloud. The next morning, a slightly flushed Luhan asks for another journal because he had already filled the first. After the fifth journal and a solid month, Luhan corners Yixing as he tidies his side of their room. The volumes are clumsily into his arms. Luhan is silent, all nervously chewed lip and trembling kneecaps, as he flees their sanctuary. He reads the first page, the penmanship shaky and most out in doubt. Four more pages and Yixing's fists are curled in anger at himself for not noticing, for not preventing the ugly memories staring him in the face from the journal pages. The handwriting became more confident and unwavering by the time Luhan began to write about the individual members in their tight knit group. Luhan notices everything. He noticed that Chen smiles and sings but calls his mother every night with tears in his eyes. He noticed the way Xiumin puts his puffed cheeks on display only to sit with his eyes closed every time he encounters a mirror because he sees nothing but ugly in his own reflection. He noticed Tao drools over name brand merchandise but buys the cheapest piece so he can send the rest of the money he earns to nameless people that need food more than he needs shoes. He noticed how Kris covers his stress with antacids and waves to fans, the way the leader silently grins and bears the weight of every mistake. When Yixing spots his own name he freezes in fear. He cringes at the disgust that surely is associated with whichever secret Luhan has discovered. What he reads has him dropping the book carelessly and searching out the older man. 'Yixing is like me. He covers up everything, but I think his is with strength. Mine is from lack of spine. He protects me even when I don't deserve it. I am nothing but dirtiness, I disgust myself.' Yixing finds Luhan sitting criss cross apple sauce on the living room couch. He notices the way he draws away every time Tao or Xiumin shift, like he is ever ready to escape any impending touch. "Yixing," Xiumin notices him standing there finally. Luhan nervously glances his way and all he wants to do is tackle the boy into his embrace to never let go. But he knows that would be too much, too soon. Instead he shoves Tao playfully until he can sit next to Luhan. Peeking from the corner of his eye, he watches the instinctive wince when he takes the slender hand into his own. Despite the insistent tugging for release, Yixing holds on until he feels the pulse regulate under his thumb. When Luhan's attention returns to the animated movie on the television, Yixing leans in close until he can whisper into the fluffy hair shielded ear. "You always deserve to be protected. Lulu, you are precious to everyone. You could never be disgusting." For the first time, Luhan breaks down. He only sobs harder when Tao kneels in front of him with worried eyes and a box of tissues. Xiumin foregoes his baozi routine to smile sweetly and leave with a promise to return with ice cream and bubble tea. Luhan notices everything. Thus he noticed that Yixing refused to let go of his hand and personally wipes away the staining tears from his face. He noticed how the younger man shakes his head when Tao hovers a hand over Luhan's skin with a hug in mind, because he knows that it would be the last straw to break Luhan's false shell. He noticed that Yixing's mouth wasn't moving but Luhan can hear nothing but promises from the younger man.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- Luhan swallows repeatedly as he stares at the room full of guys he has finally realized actually care whether he is starving or a breath from death. "I have been going to a therapist." He cuts through the torrent of concerned voices to speak again. "And part of my treatment is telling the truth," Luhan pauses but continues when he sees a smiling Yixing coaxing him. "I am severely depressed. I, well use to, starve myself. I was really self destructive because I have this really big secret just eating at my insides. I have been too ing afraid to tell anyone because I don't know how you will react. Although I have an idea, and I don't think it will end well." Luhan lifted his downturned face to take in everyone's expressions when he spilled the words that could break apart his life. "I am... I'- I'm gay." He waited for the disappointed stares and snarled lips of disgust. He would wait forever.
________________ a/n: okay, you know me. i just can't keep from teasing you. so this is the first half of this one shot so technically i guess this is a two shot now. keke^^ after going back and reading my other stuff i realized how similar this piece is to young and beautiful. but then again it is different because Luhan is broken here because he knows that he is gay and it is taboo in his culture. in young and beautiful, he suffered from extreme ocd and panic attacks from some past trauma we had no idea about. i kinda like this fic more because i actually am going into depth of Luhan's feelings and reasoning behind his destructive mannerisms. anyways, phew. let me know what you think so far! i am really excited to write the rest of this, the next part will be the growth of layhan's relationship and contain way more dialogue. look forward to it. p.s.- sorry for the super duper long a/n but i just could stop myself. i am overexcited due to the upcoming comeback and the fact that i MOST PROBABLY MAYBE am going to K-CON this year. my heart cannot handle this. also, i am fighting myself so hard to restrain myself from writing nothing but ty smexy wolf fanfics with ridiculous pairing. forgive me.
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