It was three in morning, tidal waves came crashing, bringing forth the chilly winds. The windows creek, the wind chimes ting-a-ling. The curtains gently caress his pale white skin, triggering his senses to awaken together with the wind. He brings the sheets closer to him, clenching the pillow tightly. The smell of Tao’s shampoo still lingers in the pillow. Even the brushing of the wind & curtains reminded him of Tao’s gentle touchings, soft voice whispering sweet nothings, little moans and gasps. But Tao is gone; he’s never going to be back here, in this house, in this bed, in this world. 

…

Every day was a repetition of yesterday. He would walk on the beach alone; sit there for hours crying his heart out before heading back to the villa at night. He would clean the place, arranging Tao’s belonging the way Tao would have placed them, right at their original spot before Tao left, so that when Tao returns, everything still stays the same, like nothing has happened before. Just like how his heart and feelings will never change, always staying at that moment, stuck in the time when they were still in love, when Tao was still alive. He couldn’t bring himself to move forward in time, it wouldn’t be fair for Tao to be alone in the other world, while he moves on with life, being with someone new. There were too many memories, feelings, interactions that couldn’t be replaced by anyone else. ‘He’ll come back eventually’ Kris said to himself. Maybe this was the punishment he gave himself, for letting his anger get over his head, for saying things he didn’t mean on that faithful night which drove things to a point of no return.   

…

Kris was a kind and gentle person, unlike how he appears to be on the outside, he’s actually a really warm person when you’re part of his ‘world’. He has always been generous in giving second chances, putting up with Tao’s childish tantrums and demanding nature. Tao on the other hand was still young, immature. He’s always playful and cheeky but his hardworking and perseverance in achieving his goals was the reasons why Kris could never take his eyes off this boy.

Tao was never recognized for his efforts because he wasn’t that type to show his weakness, he would often keep everything to himself and cries alone in the corner after training and competition preliminaries. This often saddens Kris so much to the extent that he just wants to reward him the love & affection Tao deserves.

It started off with praises, small chats, movies and eventually they both got together. Kris had the stability and security that Tao needs: that assurance and acceptance. While Kris has no reasons, he was just mesmerized by this boy from the moment he chanced upon Tao practicing Wushu alone in the Sports Hall. Tao’s determination and perseverance for perfection made him shine brightly, his sweat glisters with every move he makes, every posture he stances. That was what Kris loved.

The relationship eventually molded Kris into someone else, tailored to be the perfect lover for Tao, for when it comes to love, Kris would go all the way to make sure no one else satisfies his lover better than he does. Tao on the other hand is a hopeless romantic, he would always demand Kris to do romantic things, like say kiss him over the phone when Kris is in public, expect roses as apologies, for Kris to be there for him whenever he needs him. His romantic mindset often drives Kris up the wall as his demands lacks of consideration for Kris’s circumstances but Tao would always get away with it with his aegyo and whispering of sweet nothing, it was always because of these small little actions that made Kris looks past all of his flaws, mistakes and bull.  But every nice person has a limit to which how much they can endure.

…

It is bull when people say that ‘it’s okay if you don’t love me as much as I love you.’ At some point of time, one would start questioning their worth in a relationship where the balance is lost between the 'give & take'. Love was never fair, it was never equal. But like every other situation, it takes two hands to clap. That was when Kris lost his cool after one and a half year of ‘giving’ his love unconditionally; he was tired of being a supplier who never gets anything in return, but only more demands for his supply.

“I’m sick & tired of your , Tao. All you ever do is just taking it all with my love for you.” Kris hurls the porcelain mug onto the wall; the shattering leaves an uneven cut on Tao’s emotionless face. “I’m tired of loving you.” Kris stood up to leave. “Duizhang, I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me.” Tao whimpering with tears in his eyes, pleading for Kris to stay. His thin arms wrapped around Kris, pulling his shirt down as his feet hurts from the pieces sinking into his flesh, “Please don’t go, please.” Tao wailed.

Kris knew if he were to give in now, Tao would never change; it would be the same vicious cycle of abuse. Series of arguments for days, followed by makeup , sweet nothings, giving false hopes to change and then it would be back to square one, where the same happens again but on a different day. Kris needed a break from the cycle; he wanted to clear his head before jumping back into this ship before it sinks. But explaining wouldnt make things any better other than to let Tao learn it the hard way. He frees those trembling hands around his chest, and gave them an affirmative push. He walks out of the place, without looking back, without saying goodbye. He knew he would be returning in a few days time, but right now. He just needed that space, Kris chose to walk away.

…

Kris’s departing words rang in Tao’s head. Waves of pain travel up his feet, sending pulses of pain to the top of body.  He tried to gasp for air to breathe, but the chest was too tight for any airspace, his ribs pricked in pain. Even the heart that pumps carries the pain throughout his body, his fingernail and chest, throbs in pain with every heartbeat. It makes it hard to breathe, too painful to live. He couldn’t even hear his own voice howling in sorrow.

Without Kris, he is nothing, no one who sees him, and no one who would love him. All these time, he was overconfident that he has Kris in his hands, too convinced that Kris would never leave him no matter how bad the situation is. It never came to him that one day; Kris would just walk out on him. He wanted to run out of the house to chase Kris, but he was too broken to move. He sat there all night crying with the door opened, with the scene of Kris’s back leaving without turning back, not even a single glance, nothing, replaying over and over again until the sun rises. He waited for Kris to return. Although his pride was hurt, but a part of him still believes that Kris will not abandon this ship so easily.

For three days, he sat there, without a single movement. He didn’t even flinch when ants started crawling around his wounds. Everything remained the same as it is since the night Kris left. He didn’t even know what the purpose in life is anymore, for his heart is dead, even though it’s beating in pain to remind him that he’s still alive. On the fifth day, the rain poured heavily, so did his eyes. He gathered his remaining strength to get up and drags himself out of the house.

The raindrops were heavy, every drop felt like a rock hitting onto his head, his skin. The sand bites into the cuts on his feet, bodily cuts hurting from the flowing rain, but none of this is comparable to the pain he has in his chest. He likes crying in the rain, because no one will be able to see his weakness, his tears and the rain becomes one with the sea, the place he loves most. If the rain wasn’t going to wash away the pain, the sea definitely was the only other option. He staggers his way towards the sea, with every step sinking into the sand deep. He was drained by the time he approached the sea, his feet was numb with coldness on the compact sand. With his last remaining strength, he closed his eyes raised his hands to his shoulders and welcomed the incoming tide.  A gush of cold water hits his body with great impact, knocking him back. The pain on his chest eases, he lets out his last breath before his body becomes a part of the ocean, the place he loves the most.  

…

“Duizhang… Don’t leave…” a familiar voice echoes. He couldn’t see anything; it was all white, colorless. He followed the voice as he slowly walks towards a Red door. He turns around to see only, emptiness, all white. There was no alternative way out than the Red door in front of him. “Duizhang…” It was Tao’s voice.

 He quickly pushed the door to enter the room, but to only find a vast white land filled with fine sand that’s soft and fluffy to step on, causing your feet to sink into with every step you take. The sand glides off your skin, when you lift your feet up. He continues to walk forward, trying to locate the source of Tao’s voice.  Every step he takes, he hears the voice getting louder and clearer, he hastens his steps with all of his might. What lies before him is what he has never seen before, an ocean so blue, so wide, so vast, so majestic. And he could spot Tao sitting on the beach facing the ocean.

His heart pounded harder than ever, is that Tao that’s before him? He sprinted across the sand towards the man he missed, the man he loved, the man he killed. He couldn’t hold his emotions any longer as he threw himself onto Tao.

“I’m sorry Tao, I still love you. I’m so sorry.”

“I know. It was silly of me to have thought that you didn’t love me anymore. I’m sorry for bring you so much pain.”

“I know you came back to find me. You came back every single day.”

“Why didn’t you come & see me?”

“Because I can’t. Not until today, the 49^th day.”

“I’m not going to leave you again okay? I’ll stay here with you” Kris promises but Tao just shakes his head. “After today, I’ll be gone for good.” Tao squeezed his eyes tight as the tears streamed down his cheeks; he bit his lower lips to suppress his crying. “Move on without me, Kris. Life still goes on.” Kris shook his head in disbelief, holding onto Tao’s hands reassuring him he’s not going to be going anywhere.  

“Kris, listen to me for one last time, before I move on to my next life.” Tao cupping his hands around Kris’s sobbing face, and kissing him to make him listen. “I’ve learnt that love is like sand” Tao grabs a handful of sand and put his fist in front of Kris. The sea breeze blows some of the sand away from his fist. “When you start trying to weigh love, you start losing love slowly without noticing. Just like how the sand gets blown away. It might be little, but soon it will be depleted no matter how hard you try to hold on to it.”

Kris came to realized that he was being foolish for thinking that he loved Tao more than Tao loved him, such that he came into impulsive conclusion that Tao just doesn’t genuinely love him. “I loved you in my own way, I’m sensitive and less outspoken like you do. My pride doesn't allow me to show that my greatest weakness was none other than you. I’m sorry for making you feel that way.” Tao was slowly fading away with the wind.

Kris was devastated by the fact that he doubted himself; he doubted Tao’s love for him. “I’m sorry; I’m sorry, don’t leave me, Tao. Please.” He cling onto Tao’s disintegrating body, slipping away like quick sand. His hands desperately trying to scoop the sand leaking from Tao patting it back into its place, but it was happening way too fast.

“It’s time for me to go, Duizhang.”

“No... No… No… Please... don’t go...” Kris hugs Tao tightly, unwilling to let go any single moment he has left with Tao.

“I love you, always” Tao whispers as he becomes part of the wind.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Kris croaked.

The thunder roared and the rain poured heavily. His hands grabbed the sheets in his fist, trying to gasp for air with hot tears freefalling from his reddened eyes. This isn’t a dream, this isn’t a dream. He tries to calm himself down. This isn’t a dream is it? He wiped his face and realized he could feel the fine sand on his face as he wipes away his tears. This isn’t a dream. He quickly gets onto his feet, and dashed out of the house to the beach, he ran as fast as he could through the sand.

“TAO! TAO! TAO!” Kris shouted as he stumbles his way through the sand around the beach to only no body. “Tao… Tao…” He fell onto his knees, raining the ground with his tears. His legs were bruised by the cracked seashells, leaving scratches that burn when contacted with the salts in the sand. It was exactly like the day Tao left, it was raining just like this.

He made his way towards the stormy sea and laid down flat on the cold sandy beach waiting for the next approaching wave, to take him to the place where Tao is, until their next life, they will meet again. 

"Duizhang. Do you know why I like to sit by the sea?"

"It's because the sea is crying."

"He cries really loudly and he tries to catch his breath back in a lot of air. Just like how someone wails"

The waves would always come crashing onto the shore, spilling it's waters over the sand, but it will always draw back a little, before it crash again.

'Isn't it like crying?"