We fell in love but we thought it was nothing at first.
We figured it out but we were too late.
In the end, we decided to let go even if it’s what we wanted.
Even if it left us scarred and longing for each other.

~I THOUGHT I WAS JUST CONFUSED~

Sooyoung’s POV

Everyone was hype that night. The screaming and cheering, they were beyond overwhelming for me. That's why I've grown to love doing concert shows even though it's as tiring as hell. And yet somehow, there's always this sweet adrenaline rushing inside of me. I could only wish i'd have it as well whenever I have to wake up early. I scanned the stadium again, smiling. How I wish I could surf the crowd like those rockstars on concert tours. I could do it. But chances are, they could catch me or in state of shock, they couldn't. Yup. Bad idea. I sighed, paused for a second then stared at a small LED screen just below the upper box. SOOSICA. The couple name was continuously flashing in red lights. There were blue ones too. Actually, there's a lot in different colors and languages. Some even had our pictures in it. I chuckled. And yet it still felt weird. I never got used to it. All those pairings of mine with the girls, it's a big question mark for me. They, on the other hand, don't mind. In fact, they like it. Why? I wondered. Then I felt my lips frowning. I should forget about it, I thought. I turned around and to my surprise, Sica had her arms wide open, running towards me. The frown turned into a grin and I raised my arms, yelling her name.

-------------------------

I stood still, eyes glued on my furry pink slippers. I could see my rainbow patterned socks peeking so I wiggled my toes. Wait... Why was I even wearing my socks outside the hotel? And how'd the heck did I walked outside, unashamed of my footwear and pj's? I looked at the person beside me, slowly taking steps on the paved garden. She didn't seem to mind how goofy her acquaintance looked like. That's a relief. Before I knew it, I was already trailing quietly. The events that had happened that night, the scenerios that had left me asking myself started playing in my head. Now, I remember why I was alone with Sica.

"You know..." I started.
"I don't really get this whole pairing thing."
"What's not to get?" She looked at me. Hugging herself inside that blue blanket.
"Everything?"
"You're so naive." Her eyes rolled.
"I'm not. It's just that what ifs might happen. Like, what if you fall for me but unfortunately I'm already in love with someone else."
"That is so stupid and why does it have to be me to fall first and-and why you, of all people?" She asked back in disbelief.
"It was just an example." I pouted.
"Aren't you scared?" I asked again.
"There's nothing to be scared of because we're all best friends here. Hasn't that sink in to you until now?" Her tone went soft.
"I know that and i'm thankful. I mean, you know, everything's just so unpredictable these days."
"You're just hungry." She giggled. Her smile was somehow captivating.
"And Youngie..." She stopped in front of me.
"We're an all girl group. We're girls."
"What are the odds?" I said, wriggling my eyebrows.
"Odds are odds. Don't mind them." She started walking ahead of me again.
"Odds like, one day you're into guys and the next thing you know, you're peeping in the girls' bathroom." She faced me. Her expression turned grey.
"Are you... you're not doing that, are you?"
"Ew! No! It was just an example... again. Jeez, Sica." I grunted.
"Ma bad." She grinned sheepishly.
"And like I said before, everything's unpredictable these days."
"Oh, Youngie." She shook her head.
"Besides that, didn't we all had an agreement to treat one another equally? So that means we're not giving any sort of special treatment to any of our members, including Maknae. Hence, no special feeling is or will ever be born." I smiled to her.
"You sure do know how to knock some sense out of me." Then I had another thought.
"Hey, was that considered as special treatment?"
"It wasn't. I just know you very well and they know that too." It was true. She's my other conscience sometimes. She held my wrist to stop me from walking then poked my forehead.
"There's a lot going on inside there now, huh?" I liked seeing her caring side real close.
"You sort of answered some of them." She gave me a pat on my head.
"Good." She said. I held her hand as we go back inside the hotel.

~I THOUGHT SHE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ME~

Jessica’s POV

We stepped out of the van carrying our luggages without talking. I walked faster, annoyed. I never knew she could be that insensitive. And for the first time I've had enough. I slammed the door open then threw my bags somewhere near the sofa. She just stared at me, mouth hanging a bit. I didn't look at her after that. It was a good thing we got home first. The girls will be coming home late due to traffic. Because of that, I got her solo and I can finally confront her.

"Do you love me?" I turned to her, arms crossed. She looked to her left and to her right then pointed to herself.
"Were you talking to me?"
"Who else will I be speaking to?" I glared at her.
"Uhh... oh..." She looked away, scrarching her nape. I breathed out. I calmed myself for a second then walked towards her.
"Do you love me, Youngie?" I asked as if pleading to hear her say yes.
"Of course, I do." She grinned.
"Really?" I asked.
"What?" My eye twitched, seeing her expression like she didn't know what I was talking about. I rolled my eyes then turned around.
"Nevermind." I started walking away from her.
"Sica-yah..."
"You're an idiot." I turned to her, pissed.
"What did I do?" Seriously?
"I always hug you first, I always kiss you goodnight, I always cling on you... I always say I love you. But how come you're never the first one to initiate any of those?" She just stared at me again. So, I guess that's my answer.
"I was right to think that you don't really love me like I do to you..." I said lowly.
"Sica..." She walked closer.
"A-Are you in love with me?" WHAT?!
"NO, YOU IDIOT! That's not what I meant!" How-What-Why did she think I was-GOD!
"Oh... I get it now." There was that dumb look on her face once more. She chuckled afterwards then her eyes went straight to mine that made my knees weak.
"I love you, Sica... it's just that I've grown to be the one being hugged or being kissed not "being" the doer." She smiled sheepishly.
"I am trying my hardest though... I guess I need to add more effort since it wasn't good enough." I felt guilty then.
"Youngie..."
"You're right. You're absolutely right." She held my hands.
"The truth is... even though I don't use honorifics, I still treat you guys as the older ones."
"You make us sound so old."
"I mean, you guys are still our Unnies. You can command whatever you want, say or do whatever you like to us, dongsaengs. And in vice versa, I'm doing the same thing you guys do to the younger ones." I shook my head.
"I get the first one but the second one seems unfair."
"Why?"
"They cling on us too only you don't."
"Maybe I lack affection." I snapped hearing that.
"Are you kidding me? From what I've observed, you pretty much like to cuddle Yoona. If you could even kiss Yoona, you'd kiss her anywhere! Why are you always so sweet to her? Why not me who, for God's sake has always been your friend even before your stage of pubirty?!" I was shouting in high pitch with my fists curled into a ball and my brows strongly creased.
"Are you jealous of her?"
"Yes. What?! No!" My heart was pounding really fast.
"Okay! Maybe I am! But the point is, you're so unfair. Why can't you be like... like Yuri?!" Her expression turned sad.
"Is that why you like hanging out with Yuri more than me these days?"
"No... sometimes... but not really..." It's your fault anyway.
"A little..." I looked at my shoes. She exhaled deeply.
"Yuri and I are different from each other. You know how vocal she can be with her feelings to everyone else... unlike me." She tried to grin.
"I'm jealous of how Yuri can be so clingy to you... I just don't know how to express myself like that when I want to. And the weird part is you're the only person I find hard to do those things with." That was... suprising.
"So, I'm sorry..." It wasn't her fault after all.
"But I am trying my hardest. I swear, I am."
"No... I'm the one who should be sorry. I might be pushing you to do something I... w-we want you to do."
"It's fine. I need to hear what I lack so I could grow and so that I won't be able to upset you anymore."
"Eyssshhhh..." I playfully punched her arm.
"Then..." I grinned a little.
"Can I ask you a favor?"
"Sure."
"I want you to hug me."
"Okay." She held me tight on my wrist as I rest my arms around her neck.
"And just be yourself and do whatever your heart desires. Don't let anything hold you back or let anyone ask you to do something that is too much for you." I added.
"I promise." The hug went a little more tight.
"You're squeashing me, Youngie~" I said, laughing.
"I'm just doing what I promised." We both ended up laughing our butts off on the couch.

~I THOUGHT IT WAS NOTHING~

Sooyoung’s POV

"You insensitive jerk..." She glared at me, the corner of her eyes looked a little teary somehow.
"What did I do now?" I breathed out deeply.

She became even more hot tempered and expressive after I told everyone about me starting to date Kyungho Oppa. I kinda noticed it after those consecutive fights we had. Which all started because of her. She would just yell at me without any reason then I'd ask her why but then she'd just yell even more. And she'd walked out on me. Where does that leave me?

That time, she's walking out on me again in the middle of the streets. It was almost midnight. There weren't any people in front of our company building.

"Sica!" I walked hurriedly to catch up on her.
"Sica, wait up!" Which was just the same with my running. God, I at running.
"Could you please tell me what's going on?!"
"You figure it out yourself!" She yelled back.
"Like always?" She stopped. She was three meters away from me.
"Yeah. Like how you're always a jerk to me."
"I haven't done anything stupid for the past few weeks after that unreasonable fight we had."
"Unreasonable?"
"Yes. Unreasonable and-and sudden. I was politely asking you to hand me that salt while eating when suddenly, you started ranting then you yelled at me, you even splashed my face with that expensive red wine you said was made from Italy and until now, you haven't told me the reason why."
"Well then, you should be more sensetive of your surroundings from now on!" She turned her back on me once more. I was tired. I grew tired of our fights.
"I... I don't... please stop walking away from me..." Her steps begin to slow down.
"Please..." She didn't respond. Again, she stopped.
"How can I fix every stupid thing I've done to you if you won't tell me what I did? You kept keeping all of them to yourself but still you keep screaming at me. How can I..." I heave a sigh.
"I'm as stubborn as you are, you know that, but this time..." And so I gave up.
"You win." She didn't even say anything.
"Whatever I did, I'm really sorry." I turned around and that time, I was the one walking away.

-------------------------

*beep beep*

It was a text message from her.

Sica: Hey.
Soo: what?
Sica: I'm coming over.

I ignored it. I pulled the covers up and forcefully closed my eyes.

Several minutes later, I heard loud knockings on the window. I sat up to see what it was. To my surprise, it was Jessica wearing her pink jacket. I thought I was still dreaming for a second when I saw her banging the window glass.

"What the..." It really was her. Oh right, she's afraid of heights. I sprint my way to open the window, both of us looked frantic.
"What the heck are you doing out there? Are you insane?!"
"Just open the goddamn window!" I unlatched the lock and she quickly crawled in.
"Are you that crazy? What the heck were you thinking?! What if the neighborhood sees you then calls the police to arrest you?! What if you-
"Because I'm the stubborn but less persistent one, now I want to be less stubborn and more persistent when it comes to you."

My heart grew soft seeing that old side of her. She was not the Sica that made numerous accounts of breakdowns and violent reactions.  She was this Big Unnie I used to hold onto, who used to be the one so persistent just to see me smile. 

"I'm sorry." She said, lips arched.
"It's all fine now." I said, smiling a bit.
"It's not." We both sat on the edge of my bed.
"Why are you acting like this?" I asked hands clasped.
"I'm not really sure... but I do know I'm jealous... I just don't know why." My chest began hammering.
"You could've said something like that or slightly had the meaning close to that."
"But you're dating Kyungho Oppa." She looked at me with her eyes full of sadness.
"You're so happy with him and it made me so upset and lonely that..." She bit her lip then looked down on her lap.
"That it had gotten you crazy." I held her hand, grinning.
"I'm sorry..." She was at the verge of crying.
"Oh, come here." I pulled her in my embrace, chuckling.
"You know I can't stand a day without talking to you." I said closely to her ear.
"Me too." She locked her arms around my waist. We both let go, staring at each other.
"I love you...” My eyes widened but I stayed calm. Those words accidentally slipped out of my mouth, I couldn’t take ‘em back just like that.
“…and your temper." I added, laughing awkwardly. It made her chuckle though.
"I love you too... and your patience." I smiled hearing her say it.

~I THOUGHT I LOVED HER AS A FRIEND~

Jessica’s POV

Our friendship went to another level. We’re very close, that’s a fact, but we grew even closer. I never thought we’d even get to that state. I became patient; she became more expressive towards me. She taught me well on how to keep calm when I’m feeling my temper bursting. I guess I taught her how to be clingy. And by clingy, I mean really clingy. She’s become so sweet on and off cam. I never even had to get her attention, best of all, her cuteness upgraded from weird to incontestably adorable. I couldn’t ask for anything else.

But deep inside, I knew I wanted something impossible. We both were.

-------------------------

A few months after our comeback, I started dating as well, secretly. The girls knew, of course. Sooyoung and Kyungho were still happily together as a couple. Although deciding to date this certain guy was a little impulsive, it’s the only solution I could think of to take my mind off to something that’s been bothering not only me but Sooyoung as well. I didn’t want to cause such uproar in the group. I knew too how Sooyoung’s under so much pressure ‘cause what’s in stake was her relationship with Kyungho. We never talked about it but we could feel it just by the way we look at each other. It’s not a good thing anymore. It’s gotten a bit out of hand.

-------------------------

Three days. I gave myself three days before completely ending what had started unknowingly. It was after our concert in Singapore. Taeng, Yul and Sunny we’re already asleep. Yoona, Tiff and I who were my roommates that time, were in Sooyoung, Hyo and Seohyun’s room. We were watching a movie when I had to excuse myself to go back to our room. I faked a yawn and they all got what I meant. I asked Sooyoung to walk me to my room and she instantly stood. We walked in silence in the hallway. I was walking after her with my head hanging low. That moment was my cue. I caught up to her wrist then stopped.

"Hey..." I softly called onto her. She turned to me.
"Something wrong?" I couldn’t respond.
"Are you okay?" She asked again. It was now or never.
"I'm not. I know that we're not." I answered, looking straight into her eyes.

We got inside the room without turning the lights on. The brightness from the city lights were the only source of illumination we had. We lay in bed alongside each other the other way around with our legs hanging from the right side of the bed. Staring at the ceiling, no one dared to speak first. I swallowed real hard.

"I know that you know there's something going on between us..." I started.
"I'm not sure what you mean." Her voice was a little shaky.
"Youngie." I turned my head to the left to face her.
"Okay. But... should we talk about it? Yeah. Why don't we talk about it?"
"We're not allowed to, remember?" I calmly reminded her. But I had to break that rule in some other way.
"Who made that crappy rule anyway?" She sounded annoyed.
"Taeng."
"There will never be any closure then."
"There's a good reason behind it and she found out about it when she, herself started liking her roommate. She had to stop it 'cause she knew there'd be something at stake."
"Their friendship." She said.
"Not just theirs. Ours too, all of us."
"That's why..." There was a moment of silence.
"What now?" She asked.
"I don't know." I just didn’t know.

It was followed by another nerve wrecking silence. Almost a minute later, I was the one who spoke first again.

"Let's just be us then." I turned my whole body to her.
"You're with Kyungho Oppa now and this guy and I are dating. We're happy... even before this... thing happened." I said trying to smile like my heart wasn’t breaking.
"What're the odds, right?" She was obviously forcing that smile.

She finally looked at me. We stared at each other for awhile. Her hand reached out to my face and her long fingers gently landed on my cheek. Before getting utterly lost in our world, I snapped myself back to reality.

"We shouldn't." I said huskily. She grinned.
"I know."

She turned her head back to face the ceiling then laid her left forearm onto her face, just above her eyes that were closed momentarily. She then stood up in a hurry. She pulled me up next to stand.

"Can I get at least just one hug before I go back to my room?" She asked as I walk her to the door.
"Sure." I giggled a bit.

She held me real close. It was so tight I could not breathe but I had to endure it ‘cause I wanted it to last. I was feeling her breathe for the last time. I listened carefully to her heart beating ‘cause I knew it’ll never happen again. For the last time, I wanted her to be mine but I knew I should let go at some point. But I wasn’t ready yet.

"Sica." I loved the way she calls my name.
"Yes?"
"Sica..." This is where we should stop, I told myself. She tightened her embrace even more.
"I..."
"We can't..." I cut her right away. She let go.
"I... I know." She said, smiling at me. I could see her tears rolling down her cheeks. I wanted to wipe them away but she shook her head, taking a step back.
"Good night." I told her, smiling back. I hid my shaking hands behind me. I was trying so hard to stop my tears in front of her. It’d only get harder if she sees me crying as well. She wiped her face instead, exhaling deeply.
“Bye.” She said with a grin before exiting out of the room.

And that’s when my knees gave up. I broke down, holding my mouth to keep any noises from coming out. It was at the end when I felt how unbearable it was for the both of us. Having to say good bye without even saying how much we love each other was even more painful than getting no love at all. But it was good as well, to never have uttered those three words in the midst of that situation and it was best that some things were better left unsaid. Funny. I almost had her and she almost had me. We could’ve had the perfect ending. But I guess almost is never really enough for a happily ever after.

-the end-

Author's note:

i'm such a big fan of ariana grande, i thought of writing a fic about some of her songs. if you're a fan too, you'd know where the hidden lyrics were... hidden... in the... uhh... you know what i mean. :))

sorry i've been slacking off a bit but i'm back! it's just that it's too hot here in the philippines, it's driving me crazy. i couldn't write for like two weeks =.= anyway, i'll be uploading this as well in ssf(for my other fics, i'm not sure if i'll continue them though, still 50/50). for the meantime to those who haven't read some of my fanfics there, i'll save the link here tomorrow. and if you like sookrys as well, i'll post it here and update the next chapter/s. although i'm an idiot when it comes to posting extravagant hyperlinks kekeke :P 

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! XD