AFF username: jungminian0403

AFF profile url:  http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/29075

Story Title: My Father's Mistress

Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/41222/my-father-s-mistress-drama-family-jungmin-korean-tragedy

Genre: Drama,Family,Tragedy

Chapter Length: currently on chapter 19

Main Characters && Pairings: Park Jung Min, Park Gyu Ri, Lee Yo Won

Rating: PG-15(?)

Reviewer: 13itt3rsw33t

╠╦╦╦╩╩╩╬╬╬╦╦╦╩╩╩╬╬╬╩╩╩╦╦╦╣╠╦╦╦╩╩╩╬╬╬╦╦╦╩╩╩╬╬╬╩╩╩╦╦╦╣

Here It Goes

* Opening *

Title- 3.5/5

- I could really say that you laid it on dear. It does kinda attracts me in some ways though it really is typical, in the literal meaning for the title itself, that's why I said that you laid it on first and foremost in title only. I know that you could have given a lot more unique and intriguing title than that one. :D

Poster+Background- 3.5/5   

- The poster does really have that touchy feeling. A lot of emotions masked in those faces and behind those words which I very much like :3 But to make that also as your background, well I may suggest that maybe, just maybe if you could find another one, since I'm thinking that maybe it's too much, though I really would love the ambiance if the background's color be more of somewhat like that of your poster's or even add a touch of red for it or so...

Description && Foreword- 7/10

- The description's already telling you what's probably gonna happen throughout the story, but still hides something underneath it that will slowly be unearthed until the last chapter of the story. The foreword's, well how to put it, a spoiler, I think? Since it somewhat kinda leaked out what is something that is still to be unearthed from the description of the story and right now as a reader, I am already anticipating, much more that I have already thought of, of what will mostly happen just like in other sories.

Total: 14/20

* Contents *

Originality && OSM-ness- 8/10

- A family being messed up because of a mistress || always happens. The mistress is the best friend || well, maybe doesn't happen much. The mistress goes to the point in killing the original family and others || I still haven't heard or seen one! The kid wants to have his revenge || heard it a lot of times... Give it to him. Gosh, you really would love to kill them aren't you?? Well, don't mind me... *disappears* but I can't *poofs* Alrighty, back to the real thing, segue much?? But I lurve it..XDD :3 

Plot- 11.5/15 

- Hmm, the beginning was just fine but flashback was kinda long that I almost thought when I read the present scene was still the past, but it was good. Though I can see some scenes like missing scenes or such in some parts but it's just fine, I know you would do just fine but you could also improve, since we humans are open for improvement on our selves.

Chapter Titles- 3/5 

- Some chapter titles didn't match the contents of the chapter, others just gives something that has to do with the chapter but it isn't really that important for it to be the chapter title. Like for example: Chapter 10 The Evil Smirk... It really is bothering me, I even looked at the chapter title again after I read the chapter and I heard myself saying "What?". I maybe know the meaning behind that evil smirk which is that she is planning something bad but isn't it a bit obvious? 

Flow- 10.5/15

- The flow of the story is fine, it is just that there are times that it is a bit jumpy and I feel sometimes that it is written in a rush, well I know that feeling since I also do that in my stories sometimes but I also tends to read it all over again and rewrite it as much as I do just to fill those empty scenes when I have the time. But in here, while reading the story, it is just that it does have those times when a missing part of a scene is lost, though it is covered up by the next parts of the scene.

Total: 33/45

* Expressions *

Characterization - 10/15

- You could really see a lot of characters in here with mixed emotions: a weak willed mother who loves her son so much but in someways, an idiot who doesn't really seem to mind to see what her son wants and just gave him to his father | a son who loves his parents a lot, though he was being hurt by his father right in his face, he still loves him [and for me, I like the idea of making him that way], evil, but maybe not that much, an idiot? yeah I just have this image of him being one | a twisted father who is like overpowered by his mistress and just left his family [well maybe for some reason] yet still longs for his original wife and loves his son dearly as he loves his daughter, and a caring one, yet, maybe blind on some trivial matters | a more twisted and a sick mistress who is a e, who wishes to kill anyone who would be in her way, even if they really don't mean a great threat to her, and even uses her daughter in her means whether bad or worse... and I'll stop. I might end up talking just about the characters and sidetrack way too far than I have been. BUT the thing in here is that, I have pictured them out the way I see them, for how I expect them to be, not the way you wrote it, or describe them further. Hope you could somehow elaborate them more, give them more feelings and all.

Way of writing- 7.5/10 

- So much as writing as concerned, it's just okay it is understandable though sometimes not, but may I ask something? Why use "..." when it is supposed to be a "," or the ";". And also that time you used "Author's POV" thingy in chapter 3, I think you should use the "Normal POV" than the "Author" one, it is likely to be understood since you are the author but it just doesn't feel right since you as a author is not present in the story, so might as well use the "Normal POV" one... You also keep on hitting those enter keys when it isn't really need...

Mechanics [Grammar && Spelling && etc]- 7.5/10

- Including the use of "..." there are also a lot of mispelled words found in the story, and I think maybe because the keys are just neighbors and you happen to mistook them by any chance. I would really like to tell you to use the MS word or anything while encoding your story since most of the time they give you options or an indication that you have an error on your sentence. Most of your errors are the same, some are misspelled, the letters are interchanged, some letters are missing, joining two words that aren’t supposed to, separating words when it is better if they are combined, use of past and present tenses, use of enter key much etc… I'll give you some of them...

* Jung Min shook his head repeatly

- repeatedly

* She touched his son’s face..his lips…she wipe the tears

- she touched her son’s face, his lips, and then she wipe his tears [add a more detailed phrase to give more emotion on this part]

* His mom can not run…

- cannot

* THEY WILL ESCAPED TOGETHER

- escape

* But…for him, it is much better to die togetehr with his mom…

- But for him, it is much better to die together with his mom…

* “Ah, well he he’s really busy. Infact…

- In fact

Total: 25/35

Partial Total Score: 72/100

Bonus- 11/15

- The story plus the author really deserve this ^ ..XDD I like the story and I do like the idea though, making him suffer more, but I don't like it when he is just the only one though and more drama than it already is... 

=^_^=

TOTAL = 72%

B

R E C O M M E N D E D ! ! ! 

I do love tragic stories, angst and drama yet I sometimes find dramatic stories boring since they seems just like to revolve in the same mammer, doesn't have another option or maybe the ideas are overused, more likely cliché. But I am anticipating on how you will make the story more angsty, more tragic but not too dramatic..XDD And make sure to proofread your story very well, since there are a lot of "mis"es in there. Update soon...^_^