Chance Number Four

Point One

"I don't understand why you're so upset," Yoochun mumbled under his breath. "Isn't this what you've always wanted?"

I could only stare back at him for I couldn't fathom how he was able to say such things. It was as if we were talking about a mere object and not Jiyeon whom we both always loved and treasured.

"And I don't understand how you could do this," I retorted. "Don't tell me you fell out of love for Jiyeon. Don't tell me you gave up because you want me to be happy. Don't give me any bull of a reason because we both know that I won't believe it. Tell me the truth, Park Yoochun. Just tell me the truth."

He shook his head while a soft snicker escaped his lips. "I guess I will forever be the bad guy here, huh?"

"Well, aren't you?" I asked back. "You got another woman pregnant when you have a girlfriend - of more than ten years. Can you tell me, honestly, how anyone can think otherwise?"

"You don't understand, hyung!" Yoochun exclaimed. "This past year it was so different - like hell. And it hurt." He stopped, and cradled his head in his hands. "It hurt so badly. If you were in my position you wouldn't know what to do, either."

"Tell me what happened then. Make me understand."

"She changed - no, not really. She was the same, but I felt it, hyung. Her heart changed. It wasn't me who wanted someone else. I didn't fall out of love. I... at the time I met Seoyoon, I still loved Jiyeon. That night with Seoyoon was a mistake, we both admit to that. It was a huge mistake. But I won't make another huge mistake. The child is mine and I'm going to take responsibility. I'm going to marry her."

"Don't you think that'll be a mistake, too? If you don't love her –“

"But I do love her. Maybe not as much as you love Jiyeon, but I do love Seoyoon, and I know that in time my feelings can only deepen. Hyung, this is why I can't be with Jiyeon anymore. I'm just saving us both the more heartbreak. You just have to make her realize that. Make her realize that she hasn't loved me for more than a year."

"She doesn't love you anymore? How can that happen?"

"Because she loves you now!"




*





I found myself alone at the park near the company that night. It felt as if it was only then that Yoochun's words started to sink in. It all felt surreal - unreal in every sense - but I didn't know what to make of it.

Lee Jiyeon just couldn't be in love with me. We've known each other since we were very young. And more than half of that time, she'd been in love with one Park Yoochun.

Is it really possible that she'd be paying me romantic attention now?

Funny how Jongwoon's words rang in my concious, and my situation just got a wee bit more complicated. Because a couple of months ago, I would've jumped onto this opportunity.

No hesitation. No second thoughts.

But a lot of things had happened in the past couple of months that now had me thinking.

Do I still want her?

Will I be as miserable as before if I am to let her go this time?

Do I still love her in a way that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with only her?

All these years that I had loved Jiyeon my ideals about things and love, in particular, had changed dramatically. Sometimes, it even disturbed me when I would observe Jongwoon and Yeeun, and envy them.

"I hope you didn't forget about rehearsals tomorrow, Yunho sunbae. Jongwoon sunbae was a bit out of it today. Stricter than ever. I think it's 'cause you weren't there. And... you know, you're kind of the best at these things."

Her eyes had always blown me away. Back at her audition, I remember thinking what it would be like to be the one those eyes are looking at.

“What are you doing out at such a late hour, Stephanie Kim?”

She sat beside me on the bench and looked ahead, just as I had a moment ago.

“Couldn’t doze off so I figured I’d take a walk. How about you, sunbae?”

I shrugged at her question, almost hesitant to answer but, then, I realized that I was the one who initiated the conversation.

“A lot of things on your mind?”

“Yeah, that.”

“Some of them too bothersome, I suppose.”

I nodded in response and neither of us spoke for a while after that.

“But you know,” she started again, which, in other instances, would have irritated me but her trying to distract me actually made me smile. “Sometimes, bothersome things mean more blessings are coming.”

“Blessings?” I asked, finally looking up at her. “I wonder what kind of blessing would come my way after this.”

“Hmmm… I don’t know. The play will get good results, maybe. Or you’d be so acclaimed, you’ll get scouted and become an endorser for TV ads and stuff!” she exclaims, watching me. When she seemed to realize that those weren’t particularly important to me at this point in my life, she stopped again. “No?” she asked, with a little shake of her head. “Then, maybe you’d get a – a new girlfriend!” she exclaimed, once again. “Would that count?”

I laughed at that. “I think I’d like that,” I nodded. “But, it might prove to worsen my troubles at this time, to be honest.”

“But, at least, you’d have someone to share it with,” Stephanie Kim replied with a wink.

“I suppose you’re right, yes,” I agreed.

“So then, it’s settled! You are going to have a girlfriend for all the bother you’re facing now!”

We shared a laugh which later dissolved into a companionable silence.

“You live near here?” I suddenly asked. It was something that surprised even me.

“Yes, I do,” she answered with a nod. “Just across there actually.” She pointed at the opposite street from the company building. “Would you like to come on up for a cup of tea?” she inquired. And when I failed to answer immediately, she added, “just so you’d be able to relax and take your mind of things for a while. I have a few dance movies on tape, too.”




*




During an extra long break from rehearsals the next day, Jongwoon cornered me by the vending machine. He asked Stephanie to excuse us for a while, saying that he missed his bestest friend in the world. That made her laugh, of course, in addition to walking away from us and back to the group.

“So,” Jongwoon started. “I take it that your man-to-man with the Chun went well?”

I felt the corners of my lips fall at that. It was as if I was doused with iced water – woken from a happy reverie that lasted for hours by the sudden surge of unwanted memories.

I shook my head to answer as I let my eyes wander in an effort of not looking at my best friend’s inquisitive stare. I let out a sigh and shook my head again, and then pasted a faux smile on my face.

“You want to hear an interesting story?” I asked him as I finally looked him in the eyes. “That is, a story with fantastical proportions…”

Jongwoon always has that effect on me – I can never lie to him nor can I hide anything from him. I think that was the reason why we became really good friends and stayed that way. My friendship with this great actor and dancer took a much different path than that of mine and Yoochun’s. Because even though I’d known the latter longer, it was easier with Jongwoon – everything flowed freely, no distractions, no inhibitions.

“I had a feeling that this was going to happen,” he said after I told my story.

“What do you mean?” I inquired.

“Well, Jiyeon had been coming here more often the past year. It was strange. I mean, of course, you wouldn’t have noticed – but, yeah…”

“Why didn’t you make me notice, then?”

“Because I wanted to be wrong. But, of course, me not wanting it to be true didn’t mean that it’s not.”

“Yes, but wanting it to be actually true doesn’t make it so, either.”