I was afraid. I didn't want to be in the same room with Yong Guk alone. I didn't like the vibe I was getting from him. Whenever the other members were around or when we were in front of other people, he would look so calm and collected. Smiling that gummy smile of his in front of everyone. But then when he met eyes with me, he would just raise his eyebrow and smirk. Why? Why was this all happening to me? Because I was gay? Was God punishing me because I liked men? Will I ever be happy? Honestly I thought I would be after Him Chan and I established our relationship for each other, but no. I couldn't enjoy our relationship, not when I was in constant fear for my life.

"Babe,"

I jerked my hand away when I felt a warm hand try to intertwine with mine. "I-I'm sorry." I lowered my head.

Him Chan reached for my hands once more and pressed them to his lips. "You're a bit jumpy today, is everything okay?"

I should ask him. What was your relationship with Yong Guk hyung before we debuted? Were you two together? What did he do?  But the words couldn't come out. I just looked up to meet Him Chan's eyes looking at me with worry. "I'm fine, don't worry."

He pouted his lips, obviously not buying what I said. “Are you happy Young Jae?” he sighed. “With me?”

My eyes grew wide. “Of course!” I said a bit too loud. I brought my voice back down when I realized that we were still in the studio, and others who had their attention elsewhere were now looking at us. “Why would you think I’m not happy?” When I saw that no one was looking, I touched his face and smiled.

He furrowed his eyebrows. “Just because you smile at me, doesn’t mean you’re really happy.”

I pulled my hand back. “H-hyung,”

Suddenly he stood up and grabbed my wrist, pulling me up and dragging me into an empty studio room and pinned me against the wall. He grabbed my hands into his and started to kiss them. He looked up and me and lightly pressed his lips to mine and sighed.

“I just want you to be honest with me. I can see that when you’re alone, you push yourself into the farthest corner as if you’re trying to hide away from something. Please just tell me what’s wrong, I’ll fix it.” He looked into my eyes.

You can’t fix it. How can you fix it when you don’t even know? When I’m too much of a coward to tell you? Him Chan I love you and am very happy with you but I’m just afraid that if I bring up your past, you’ll think I’m crazy possessive person. I don’t want that, I don’t want you to leave me.

These thoughts raced through my mind and we stood there looking at each other with a mix of emotions. But finally I broke the silence and did what I knew I could only do. I closed the space between us.

I pulled my hands from his grip and wrapped them around his neck, pulling him closer to me. We kissed passionately, as if it would be our last kiss. And honestly I felt like it was. I always kissed him this way because I was afraid, so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to feel these soft lips ever again.

But sadly, as always, it had to end. I pulled away from him, both of us heaving. We looked in each others eyes and as he attempted to pull back into another kiss, I just hung my head.

“I’m afraid,” I finally said.

“A-afraid? Afraid of what? That they’ll hurt you again?” He pressed his index finger under my chin to make me look at him. I couldn’t help the tears that welled in my eyes as we looked at each other. “Don’t be afraid, I’ll protect you and I always will. I’ll never let them hurt you. I promise.” He pressed his lips against mine for a second and he looked at me once more. “Believe me when I say that.” He brought his thumb up to my face and wiped the tears that rolled down my cheek, making me tear up even more. He smiled and started to kiss my tears away. “Believe me.” He breathed once more, his lips not leaving my face.

I didn’t say a word, I just nodded. But in the back of my mind I was thinking, I can’t.

When we finally reached the dorms, it was pretty late. We all took a shower and were lounging around the living room watching a random movie that I didn’t even know the title of.

I was sitting on the wood floor with my legs crossed. Him Chan was lying down on my lap as I ran my fingers through his hair.

“You’re always choosing the most weirdest movie hyung,” Jun Hong looked at Jong Up, who was watching the movie with so much interest.

“Shh,” he waved his hand to the youngest. “The best part is coming up!”

“I don’t even know what’s going on!” Jun Hong wailed his hands. “There are no subtitles and this movie is in English! How can you understand?!”

Jong Up glared at the maknae sitting beside him and kicked him. “Can you shut up? I’m trying to watch the movie. Use your imagination Zelo.” His eyes returning back to the screen.

“Young Jae-“

I looked forward, in the direction of the hallway to see Yong Guk leaning against the wall.

“Y-yes hyung?”

He threw me his wallet, which landed directly by my feet and smirked. “Go to the store for me, I’m hungry and want some snacks.”

“Oh! I’ll go with you!” Him Chan quickly stood up.

“You can’t,” Yong Guk immediately said. “I need you to help me with something.”

“It won’t take too long to go to the store, just wait for me. Plus it’s too late to make him walk by himself” he smiled.

But Yong Guk wouldn’t have it, he glared at Him Chan. “No, it needs to be done now. You don’t need to follow your boyfriend around like a puppy dog. He’s a man, he can go by himself.”

He looked at me and pouted. I gave him a reassuring smile and nodded for him to go join Yong Guk.

“You better be back in 15 minutes Young Jae! It doesn’t take too long to go to the store!” he yelled marching into Yong Guk’s room.

I was making my way back to the dorms from the convenience store that was a block away when I started to feel eyes staring into my back. It was dark and the only thing I had for a light was the bright full moon. I walked faster, finally seeing the illuminating lights of my dorm building in the distance. I turned my head as I heard a low grunt come from behind me.

“W-who’s there?” I stupidly asked, but there was no answer. I continued to walk but suddenly I could hear the sound of foot steps trailing behind me, not one but a few, all at different speeds. This time I didn’t dare to turn my head, I just kept walking. The lights of the building become brighter and brighter as I got closer. Almost. I breathed.

“Hey,”

A hand gripped my left arm and forced me to turn. Three tall figures gathered around me. They were wearing all black and had wide smiles spread across their rough looking faces. They pulled me and threw me into the alley we were next to and cornered me into a wall. 

“W-what do you want?” I asked, trying to tug my arm away but his grip tightened.

“He was right, you are cute.” The man in front of me stepped forward.

I lowered my head and tried to push him away. “Please let go of-“

Suddenly, one of them grabbed my hair and pulled it so I was staring directly into the man in front of me. “We’re going to have some fun with you,” he whispered into my ear.

“No!” I yelled, dropping the plastic bag with food.

“Shut up!” he threw his hand on top of my mouth, muffling my screams. I bit his hand, only for him to retaliate by slapping my face.

“Hey!” the man next to me yelled. “You’re not supposed to hit him idiot! That’s not what he said to do.”

“The bit me! And it’s not like he said we couldn’t. He’s going to be ripped open anyway, a slap is just a warm up for the real pain.” He smirked.

I could feel them unbuckling my pants and shoving my jeans down to my ankles. I shut up eyes, trying to scream, even though I knew nothing could save me.

Him Chan please! Don’t let this happen to me! Someone please save me! Please! Anyone! I yelled this in my mind, but I knew nothing would happen.

My eyes shot open as I felt the mans fingers pull at my boxers and I started to jerk my legs widely to keep him from pulling them down.

“Stop squirming!” That’s when I felt his fist meet my stomach, I grew weak and stopped moving. “Good boy,” he whispered in my ear as he pulled my boxers down. “Yell all you want, no one will save you.”

With that, the hand on my mouth got a bit loose and I took that opportunity to speak. “Please,” I pleaded. “Don’t do this,”

He looked at me for a second, smirked and swiftly pulled his own pants down. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t paid to pity a .”

“No!” I yelled as I felt him press his tip against my hole. “Don’t do this!”

HIM CHAN! DON’T LET THEM HURT ME!

And at that moment, a bright light was shone onto my face and I could see a familiar figure appear in front of me. “What the is going on over there?” He stepped forward.

“Oh !” The men let go of me, making me drop to the cold concrete, and running off.

“Please help me,” I pleaded as I looked up at him, my eyes still blurry.

He bent down and shined the flash light towards me. He said nothing as he helped me put on my pants and get myself back up. But I was so weak and ended up falling onto the wall. I flinched at his touch when grabbed my hand.

“Him Chan?” I looked at the blurry man in confusion.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” he said icily, forcing me onto his back by pulling my arms around his neck. “It’s Dae Hyun.”

With that, I out.