It was another sleepless night for me. Every time my eyes would close, my mind would drift to him - his smirks, the way he was comfortable just looking me straight in the eyes, his random outbursts of English, which, I would never tell him, was mainly the reason I studied the language so hard.....and so, I willed my eyes to stay open. I didn't want to cry.

The morning was worse. My eyebags were getting worse. As I fumbled around the kitchen and finally found my seat for breakfast, Sohee, who was already sitting down, tilted her head, "Geez Unnie, I've been getting up before you for about a week now! Proud of me?" I saw Sunye quickly shoot her a look.

Unfortunately, Sunmi didn't quite see that, "Unnie, you look like a panda! If we make your hair like so," She was about to pull her hair into two buns, when Yoobin not-so-lightly elbowed her in the ribcage. "OW!!!"

I tried smiling, but probably only managed a grimace. The younger ones didn't understand my pain, and I knew to be a good unnie, I had to mask it from them. I plopped into my seat, trying to show interest in the food in front of me, as they would have expected me to. "And what's for breakfast today??"

Sunmi stopped her elbow fight with Yoobin, and turned to me excitedly, "Your favorite Unnie! And, don't tell manager, but I sneaked in some of your favorite rice cakes...my mom sent them to me."

We ate together, the older ones silent, and the younger ones occassionally bringing forth some of the latest gossip going on in Kpop. I didn't hear any of it. I couldn't taste anything.

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"And shake your finger!" Sunye was leading us through the Nobody choreography for what seemed to be the billionth time.

As the music ended, she shrugged. "Well I don't really know how we can make this any better. We've been preparing for so long."

We all enthusiastically nodded, relieved to finally have break time. JYP had promised he was preparing a special song for us to come out with "in due time". We all looked forward to it.

I left the practice room under the pretense that I had to use the restroom, but in reality, I just needed to get away for a minute - usually, I spent all the time with the girls that I could, but since he left....well I couldn't stand the normal-ness of the routine. He had taken away something from my life, and though I knew it was selfish, I wanted to suffer. I wanted to remember what he had done to me. Being with the girls didn't allow me that.

Unfortunately, somebody was already standing outside as if waiting for me. He knew.

"Dangit, Chansung." I breathed out, angrily.

He looked just as angry as I felt. "What are you doing Yeeun? I know you're not using the restroom."

"Look, I just wanted a moment to myself, that's all. Is that strange to you? Can't people want to be alone for a few moments in their lives?!" I hadn't realized my voice had risen, until he spoke and the contrast between our volume was clear.

"It's strange for you. Yeeun, I know you. You're social and friendly. This isn't you."

"How do you know that you know me?! Maybe I've changed!"

His lips thinned. "He's not worth changing over. Stop.....stop thinking about him."

Something in me snapped. "And how am I supposed to do that exactly?! You know, in about a week, I'm going to be in the same country as him?! And that makes what I already know even more obvious. He doesn't care! Communication in America is EASY Chansung! It should be easy from America to Korea too, actually, it's not like I'm asking for an overseas phone call, okay? But there's Skype, there's twitter, there's email -" I broke off, fighting the tears that were coming from this truth that I had never stated out loud in words before, "But no. He doesn't CARE, that's why he never tried to even say good-good.....GOODBYE!!!" The tears were in full force now, and before I knew it, Chansung's arms had encircled me.

"Please," he muttered, "Please forget him."

I allowed him to hold me, a kindness to Chansung. I always forgot his kindnesses to me, which were great in number, and when I could repay him, I tried. But I could never repay him in the way he wanted, and even in my hysterical state, I knew that.

He held a hand on my cheek. "Yeeun? I could-....I could be there for you. I could take his place. I wouldn't leave you."

Before he could wipe away my tears, I pulled away gently. His arms dropped like stones, back to his sides. "I'm so sorry Chansung. Please, stop worrying about me. I forget about how much it hurts you. I shouldn't have broke down in front of you."

I started walking away, stopping only when I heard his voice, quiet. "Yeeun....that's the last time I'll ask you. The offer will always stand, but I don't want to hurt you either by mentioning my feelings for you. I can be your friend though. You should never feel bad for telling me your feelings. I.....I will always be here for you."

I nearly ran to the bathroom.

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Once inside, I set about the task of making my face look something close to normal. I wasn't a naturally pretty crier, so JYP told me to just stay away from sad stories on variety shows....some things just couldn't be learned.

As I splashed my eyes with handfuls of cold water, I let my mind wander....