------ Part Four

Twelve years and five months ago. Summer.

'To the only woman I love,

I love you with all of my heart. No words could express how much I long for you; your touch, your smile, your everything. I miss you so much, honey. Call it selfishness, but I need you so much that it pains me to write this letter to you, not explaining everything to you in person. For the past three years that you have been my side, I have been the man that I never dreamt I would be. You once met a cold-hearted soldier by the entrance of the amusement park where we first met. You changed him into this person who learned to love so dearly that he couldn't risk your life for the sake of the revenge that was meant for him. You made me the person that strives to be perfect to be with you, to be able to at least be deserving for you attention.

I regret that you had the opportunity to meet me. I am such a wreck, but you accepted me. You cared for me. You made me feel whole again, being the useless trash I was. I regret so much in my life, and meeting you was one of them. Please do not get me wrong, having you was the best my life could offer, it was the best three years of my whole existence. But the thought of me losing you because you having met you made me regret that moment you said hello. I have my story to tell, at least explain myself for this..

Do you remember the man we encountered at your favorite fast food chain? His name is Choi Siwon. He was my best friend since I was very young. As soon as I was about to enter the army, he was already leaving. He left his younger brother, Suho, to my care that time. Suho was about my age, but much more weaker than I am. He was assigned in the medics department, but underwent the preliminary training as we all did. He was friendly and humorous like his brother, but he was kinder. Others would think of him as an angel in military uniform. His bunk was just under mine, so he would tell me stories of his childhood. He seemed like a little brother to me too, he has this aura that makes you want to take care of him, like a little puppy.

The time I feared the most came. We were sent to China for a mission to guard a province from a non-government military group that was terrorizing the residents. We were stationed by the southern gate and for the first weeks of sleepless nights patrolling the compound, no attacks happened. But on the second night of the third week of our stay there, the group attacked the northern gate. We received the message through our radio, and as soon as Suho heard the news, he ran to the northern gate without informing us. When I noticed he was gone, I thought the idiot would go to where the action was, and followed him to the northern gate. Gunshots were the only ones to be heard at that place. I saw him hiding behind a huge boulder by the other soldiers shooting at the enemies, applying bandage to the wounded man who was shot at the arm. I hid behind a house and began to shoot, while noticing the shaking hands of Suho while pressing on the man's wound. I found the perfect timing to rush to his side. The idiot was crying. He couldn't do anything, the man was losing too much blood. He kept telling me that he was killing him, but I kept telling him the opposite. I still remember his face. It was full of fear and agony. Dear, if you only saw his face.

He didn't seem to take the pressure on his shoulders, he asked me to help him carry the man to the southern gate, where his medic friends could help him. The medics at the northern gate were busy enough catering most of the wounded, so I agreed to help him. I picked the man up, careful not to be seen by the other side of the boulder. Suho did the same, making sure that the man's shoulder was tied by his bandana to lessen the blood loss. But as I said, Suho was weak. He started breathing heavily halfway through. I asked him to rest for a while, but he refused. He told me with anger in his eyes that the man was losing his life, and he couldn't bear that on his shoulders. As soon as we reached the southern gate, we carried the man to the cottage and when we laid him down to the bed, Suho collapsed.

The idiot was shot at the back at the northern gate. I didn't notice the blood because I though it was the other soldier's. I couldn't clearly remember what happened after that. It was like everything went in fast forward while I was still seeing the pale body of that angel lying down on the hard soil while the other medics were reviving him. The enemies started to attack the southern gate too, so they pushed me back to my position to help my fellow soldiers.

I remember seeing Siwon's face at Suho's crematory ceremony. His face was just full of anger seeing me there. He firmly believed that I killed his brother. He couldn't find anyone better to blame than me. I left the ceremony as they were about to scatter his ashes by the lake near of the amusement park, where we first met. That was the day we met.

Every night after that I am haunted by Suho. I keep seeing his smiling face when I sleep, and his lifeless body when I wake. But all those stopped when I met you.

That is the story behind that crying cold-hearted man you saw by the entrance of the amusement park. The one to whom you gave your handkerchief. Now, Siwon keeps on finding a way to seek revenge on me. And the one I fear the most is that he will get you, in change of his lost brother. I reckon that I have already told you that I have no family, so he finds ways to make me suffer by trying to kill people close to me. I shouldn't blame him for that, if you were also lost I would find the one to blame and kill him myself. Therefore I decided to keep my distance from you. It is selfish of me to ask you to not forget me is it? I will be back my dear, after I settle this matter with Siwon. I swear by the stars that witnessed our first 'I love you.' I will protect you as much as I can, with my life on the line.

I love you so much. If only I could say that to you every minute and every second that I am living now, I would. But still those words are not enough to describe how I feel for you. My honey, I will back for you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you so much.

All yours, Donghae.'

Another batch of tears that fell down on that piece of paper was being wiped by you. Those pages were almost unreadable because of all the smudges of ink that resulted from your tears. Yet you still keep the letter by your heart every time you sleep.

You have read that letter everyday since the day that he left, constantly calling his phone just to hear his voice in voicemail. You were waiting all day for his calls that never came. You have hope every day that he will return to you, that you will feel his embrace again. You started to feel anger towards Siwon, but after reading his letter again, you feel weak. You see him telling you that you shouldn't be mad at Siwon, because he is hurt by the loss of his brother that he dearly loved. On the other hand, you keep thinking to yourself that Siwon's brain has been poisoned by the loss of his brother to turn his knife against his best friend.

You went through weeks under the same routine. Wake up, get ready, go to work, eat meals, read his letters and go to bed. This routine went for weeks and years.