guy i made a change a little..before u read in previous chap yixing scold wufan righ and say go away and whatnots. but i change it..go back to previous chap ..i didnt change the story line i just cancel out the last scene..please go back to the previous chap first and then read how i end it..just read the last paragraph...... thanks alot..sorry for the changes and the late update...

  click this.. i made this while listening to this beautiful music. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tS-DmhSXL7A ..ENJOY ~~ 

Yixing looks to the owner of the body that looks so familiar to him. And yes its him. He is still handsome like usual and perfect, nothings change and there is baekhyun beside him. They look like a real couple in yixing’s eyes. A happy couple. A slightly small and weak smile pasted on yixing’s pale face but  he turns his head to the side right away. He doesn’t want to make any eye contact with that wufan nor baekhyun for a longer time cause he knows he will reach his breaking point and he doesn’t want it to happen .

“zitao what is this” Yixing asks gently, slowly and properly.

“this is for your good ge. “ zitao whispers back to convince the older.

Yixing just remain unspoken after hearing that and he looks to luhan who is standing with donghae and siwon. He knows luhan might be worried that he will get angry and mad at him. He don’t know how to react now and he is supposed to be mad at luhan as this is his wish and they have promised. But luhan might have an explanation for this. So he decides to not to rush or jump into any conclusion yet.

Doghae then start to speak when he saw yixing is ready to hear anything from him. “ so yixing, how are you ?”

Yixing just give a weak smile to say that he is ok and he is always like this. How he is right now is the definition of ok to him. He is lucky to still able to breath today.

“good. I am happy to see you. Well, first of all, Dc wu will join our group as your doctors as he was your doctor right.  So he might know your body well right ” 

Yixing just nods slowly as he looks to his lap after hearing about his relationship with wufan now is just a doctor and  a patient.

“next Dc Choi will speak.” Donghae looks to siwon. He believes siwon can handle this well luhan obviously is out already. Donghae looks to wufan who is standing at another end, his hand holding to yixing’s record.

“ok yixing, we have tell you about your condition right. So we are suggesting to do chemo to you. So will you ? we have to get the approval from you first. ”

“no.” yixing voice is hoarse and slow as he didn’t talk much lately. “ I don’t want to do that.”

“but xing, it can help you.” luhan finally speaks.

“I don’t want han.” He repeats.

Wufan doesn’t like when his patients give up on life so easily like there is no tomorrow or hope for them. So wufan brings his limb to the other doctors.

“how can you easily say no? by doing chemotherapy it can help your life” wufan speaks for the first time as he walks closer to yixing and yixing doesn’t even look to his face. His eyes fall to his lap again and he plays with his fingers. He miss that voice so much but that voice now is no longer belongs to him.

“do it.” wufan adds

Why yixing has to hurt himself. Its not that he gives up with his life, he just feels that no matter what the doctors did or how powerful the treatment is, if the time comes then he still will go, sooner or later. There is nothing to be stopped.

“no.” he says slowly. “you guys are doctors right and process and effects of doing that are just horrifc.” he pauses “I am already in pain, so why should you make the pain more? I can accept my condition right now and I can accept the fact that I will be like this till I die..”

Baekhyun looks to yixing, and  wufan was right, he is so pale and thin. Even his voice is so low and like whispering. Baekhyun feels so bad right now and he don’t know what should he do next, but he tries his best to accompany wufan today as he is assign to help wufan. 

“its not about death or what yixing, we should try and if anything happen to you,  what are we going to answer to our head of the group (?), your friends and your fam-” wufan stops.

yixing gets his eyes to wufan . “no… I don’t have a family. Don’t worry.” yixing smiles and  he turns the wheelchair by himself cause he wants to go back to his room. He smiles to himself. Have wufan forgotten that ?

“I will help you.” zitao says as he helps yixing.

Wufan watches yixing goes  from the room. He throws all the records on the table and his hand to the table, is supporting his body. He is trying to suppress his anger mix up with the frustration, disappointment and many more in his heart.

“we cant do anything then.” Siwon says as he walked out from the room with donghae. Well maybe wufan needs some time alone. “ see you later.”

“I will go first too.” Luhan says as he pads wufan’s shoulder gently and left. The room is now empty, only him and baekhyun in there. His eyes are scanning to all the stuff about yixing on the table and the feeling in his heart is getting stronger. He grips to the pieces of paper that he can grab near his hand. He hold that tightly to restrain the feeling that comprise in his heart.

“fan.” Baekhyun calls softly.

“leave me alone.” wufan sounds so stern.

“fan you cant be li-”

“ I said leave me alone!” wufan rises his voice causes the other to shock with that.

Baekhyun’s orbs widen as he heard to the voice of wufan. Where is wufan’s lovely and caring voice that he always heard ? And what he heard just now is voice with full of hatred and anger. However he knows and understands wufan is not stable now, so he walks slowly out from the room. Wufan needs some time to be alone and he should give it to wufan. He has to be cool and act with maturity now and he doesnt want to push his lover.

“I will always be here , if you want me” he says before he closes the door.

“ge, are you sure ?” zitao asks as he helps yixing to lay on the bed.

Yixing nods to zitao and his eyes fall to his friend. Zitao is still young and he believes zitao will have a happy life s zitao is a good guy. A very matured  young guy but with a very soft heart  though he looks so tough and strong from the outside.

“don’t worry.” he looks to zitao with eyes looks so tired and exhausted. “I’ll be fine.”

Yixing always says that to zitao and zitao don’t understand how can  he will be fine when he is always rejecting any treatment that may help to safe his life. Peoples do said, we will know, no we can sense when our time will come and this is what his ge wants. So he cant force yixing to do what he doesnt want and dislike.  The effects of hemotherapy are indeed awful and atrocious.

Zitao nods as a symbol that he believes in yixing even though deep inside his heart, he didn’t. yixing always says he is fine but his body is getting weaker day by day.  “sleep ge. You look so tired”

Yixing closes his eyes as he saw zitao disappeared from his sight and the door has been closed. He closed his eyes and its dark like always. His life is so colorless and he just saw someone that used to bring color in his life. That person has change yixing completely three years ago and he also gave yixing a lot of sweet memories. However that guy is not his fate and he looks so happy with other person just now and wufan doesn’t seem like he is  worry nor unhappy. He looks like there is nothing for him to regret for.

So there is nothing for yixing to wait for. Wufan is no longer his and his wufan is already gone and he will never return. Yixing is alone now, like right now. No one is there in the room and his friends- his friends has their own life and why yixing should burden them with himself who is almost die.  This is his life since before, he is always alone and its just him who didn’t realize it. The image of wufan with baekhyun still vivid in yixing’s mind. His eyes still closing with a smile plastered on his face and he pursed his lips. His breathing becomes hard as he is trying hard to hold something to not to fall but seems that, its too difficult. He can feel the tears touch his cheeks but he wipes it and he closes his eyes tight to not to let the tears fall. But still, he cant, tears still fall torrentially again on his pale cheeks.

“why you leave me.” He whispers inaudibly as he cringes his body and cry. " you said that love me and you want to live with me till i die"

He feels like there is an extremely stun twinge at his chest. Why wufan has to stand there and not beside him ?Why wufan looks so happy and he is not? Why wufan looks perfectly good ? Why he cant be like wufan ? Why he is the one who has to cry ? is it the pain in his body is not enough yet? is this the punishments for his fault ?

" where are you now wufan ? ." he cries slowly. "i will die soon."

Yixing cries and the tears seems like it doesn’t want to stop and he don’t care if it is yes. Maybe he should cry sometime, he should let out the pain that contain in his heart as knowing that his life  will end with only him alone and he will have no happy ending is just  too hurtful.

July 16th

Its end already.

There is nothing left.

I am all alone

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ge do you want to eat something else tonight ? I can go and buy anything for you.” zitao asks as he pushes yixing who is sitting on the wheelchair  to the garden. “you should try something else, so that it can increase your appetite and you will be healthier.”

Yixing didn’t reply . He will eat anything that  is being served to him but if he has to choose, he really want to cook. He loves the feeling when he is cooking and loves to see the face of his friends when they eat. He love the satisfaction that he feels. Other than that maybe he wants to kyungsoo’s cook. He must be happy now with jongin. He wonders, should he tell kyungsoo about this. Well kyungsoo know many things about him and wufan and they always spent their time together, sharing about their love story or sharing recipes and many more. Sometime they discuss through phone about what should they for the dinner and yixing do learn to cook korean’s dishes with kyungsoo. Maybe he should tell kyungsoo and jongin.

“anything zitao.” he says weakly after a long time. “ I will eat anything that you buy.”

At the corner when zitao wants to turn left to go out to the garden, he can see the tall figure which belongs to wufan is walking from the opposite direction of him. So he turns his face to the left instantly, he don’t need wufan and wufan too. So there is no point for them to show up and having a small talk or what. He don’t know whether wufan saw him or not but he hopes, not. Baekhyun might be sad if he saw that and he knows how does it feels. Watching someone that we love with other person. Such an uncontainable and insurmountable feeling, which is full with jealousy, anger, sadness, and lonely.

Zitao places yixing at the usual place and he sits next to yixing. These few months with yixing has tough zitao many things about life, friendship and love. One of it is, we don’t know whether we are already with the right person or not, but we should believe and trust them and do the best for them. Appreciate everything about them and love the as much as we can. This place is the most commodious place for zitao to think about his life. This place is just a garden for him before, but since yixing came, it has changed. He don’t know how this garden will be when yixing is no longer around. He must feel so empty and the garden must look so incomplete.

“ge I will leave you here for a while k.” he springs up and glances to his ge who is holding his diary and looking to the peoples around them.

His eyes are scrtunizing the peoples who are playing and chatting and he can hear the sound of peoples laughing happily. He miss to laugh again and smile sincerely without any pain hidden. He miss the moment where he used to have a happy life.

“why you didn’t go yet?” eyes still to the other peoples, he asks as he feels and he can hear someone is breathing beside him. So he turns to the right to see zitao but unexpected person is sitting there and he looks away again to avoid that person.

“can I sit here?” he asks

Yixing didn’t say anything as he looks back to the peoples surround him. It is not his bench so anyone can sit there, its just him who doesn’t want to meet wufan.

“waiting for sunset?” he asks again and sits on the bench.

Still yixing didn’t say anything, and wufan just follow the flow. There is nothing he can do and he cant force yixing to talk to him after what has happened. He just sits there and waits for the sunset. The feeling is different as yixing is there besides him and it has been a long time since he watches sunset with yixing. Wufan don’t know whether he should say this to yixing or not, but he believes that he still loves yixing and that feeling never change but he don’t know what kind of feeling he has towards baekhyun if he only love yixing. Wufan cant decide but he really miss yixing and he regret of everything.

However the feeling is no longer the same for yixing as wufan who is sitting next to him now is no longer his. He is just Dc Wu who is taking care of him and not more than that. He will never get the joy feeling that he felt before. He is trying to accept that , accept that his happiness is gone for forever.

The sun is gone now and its almost dark already, so yixing decides to go back to the room but zitao is not there. Thus he has no other choice,  he turns the wheels backward slowly and turns around to go back.

Wufans runs to yixing. “ let me help you.” he holds to the handle of the wheelchair.

He feels so long for him to arrive at his room and awkward. They didn’t talk at all and what yixing can hear is just his breath. Not so many people at the hallway and he can see zitao when he is on his way to his room. He don’t know whether zitao plans this or what, but he can see zitao smiles to him and he don’t think to smile back as he is not happy with this. He doesn’t like people want to make him and wufan close again as that thing will never happen.

Yixing tries to stand with his own legs and it is so hard. But he tries and wufan is still there watching him. His hands quivering hard and wufan can hear yixing is gritting his tooth. He afraid yixing will fall as his body looks so unbalance and shuddering so wufan holds to the small body and support him

“im ok ” Yixing  says when wufan is trying to to help him to gets on his bed. Yixing doesn’t think he needs  that. He can try to get on his bed on his own. Its just feel unusual when someone else is trying to help him today as normally zitao is the one. He pulls his hand back from wufan’s grip but wufan holds it back.

“let me help you.” wufan insists.

“don’t. you can go now. im fine.” He stops. “go” 

Wufan don’t know why but hearing to that makes him  ceases his act. He stands back and do what yixing wants.

“go” yixing says as he is holding to table beside his bed for supporting his body with his shivering hand without looking to his doctor.

Wufan obeys that and he walks out. His heart is hurt , too much but he strengthen himself and carry his body out from that room. Maybe this is what yixing felt and he is sure it must be more than what he felt. He stands at the door after he closes it and watches yixing through the glass wall. He can see yixing is struggling to walk to his bed which is just a few steps only from his position now but it looks so hard and it looks so terrible and  arduous in wufan’s eyes.

 why you have to be the on who suffer xing...

July 19^th

he has changed

and he doesn’t smell like before anymore.

Also there is no more our ring on his finger.

Maybe he has thrown it.

The headache is getting stronger day by day because the cell has spread in his head. That’s what wufan, luhan and the other doctors explained to him before. This is his choice and he will try to hold the pain as he could. He believes in himself and he tries his best to ignore the pain and the pulsate at his head. At least he can watch the sunrise as he will awake early in the morning. Even though his eyes close, he himself actually  is trying to hold and suppress the pain in head. He will fall asleep sometimes when he is too tired. Nonetheless, he will always try to minimize his sleep time and he will try to be always awake cause he is afraid. He afraid he will not wake up again for the next day, he afraid he cant see the sunrise and he afraid if he cant read his diary again that contain all of the memories of him with wufan, and he afraid he cant see wufan's face again.

His memory is getting weaker. So every morning he will grab his diaries and read it again and again even his head is still hurt. He afraid if the memories will lost from his mind and disappear. This is the only proof  that he have, to show that wufan used to love him, they used to kiss, hug, snuggles, jokes, and all their pictures in the diaries. Yixing has a habit where he willl take at least one picture using his polaroid camera and paste it in his diaries and now he feel so grateful that he did that. At least his diaries will make him realize and know that he used to be happy back then.

Kyungsoo-ah.

Xingie-hyung. Where have you been ? jongin and I called you many times but you didn’t pick up and we went to your house hyung. Where are you ? kyungsoo sounds so frightened and his voice tremor.

Yixing smiles hearing to kyungsoo’s panicked voice “ im sorry for that.”

“just tell me where are you. let me get you.”

“no soo. Im fine.” Yixing says weakly as he is trying to hold the pain.

“are you ok xingie-hyung? ”

Yixing laugh a little and he feels so sorry when  listening to kyungsoo and also  he can hear jongin’s voice back there who are worry and so care about him. This is the reason why he doesn’t want to let his friends know.

“are you ok hyung ? your voice sounds so different. Tell me where you are. Jongin and I will go and get you right away and you can stay with us. You doesn’t have to worry about wufan. I will never tell him. This must be about him right?  Don’t worry xingie-hyung, we will never tell wufan. you will stay with me for forever and I will protect you hyung. We can talk about recipes and many more like before.”

“soo-ahh”

“no..i know what you want to say. Dont worry don’t don’t feel bad. Jongin also agree with me. We can go and find work together and I know few peoples that can let us work with them. I have talked to them xingie-hyung . so now---

“soo-ah stop.” the tears are already at the brim of yixing eyes.  

“xingie- hyung” kyungsoo calls softly when his older asks him to stop

Yixing can hear jongin’s voice asking kyungsoo what has happened. “soo ah, I am sick. The cancer cells grow again.” He sobs.

“wha-- ” kyungsoo stops.

“kyungsoo-ah “

“no hyung. You are lying right ? tell me you are lying. You are fine right ?”

Yixing cries  and he don’t know why he cries so frequent now and knowing that kyungsoo is sobbing  breaks his heart more. “its true soo. im sick and there is nothing that i can do now. ”

Yixing cant hear kyungsoo’s voice. What can he hear is jongin’s voice who is asking kyungsoo what has happened, so he ends the call. He feels so bad and sorry now. He has destroyed kyungsoo and jongin moods with the news of  his disease.

Jongin and kyungsoo arrives not more than 15minutes later and jongin calls luhan first. He wants luhan to explain this and why they don’t know about this. Kyungsoo is still in unstable emotion besides him so he leads kyungsoo with him, holding to his boyfirend hand which is shiverring a little.

“what is this han ???” jongin asks " why did you do this to us ?!" 

“no listen to me first jongin kyungsoo.” He pauses and he takes a deep breath “this is his  wish  and he asks me to shut my mouth.”

“but we are friends luhan-hyung. You cant do this.”

“I know but you have to think about yixing too.” luhan tries to appease the anger of his two friends.

“but- but its--"

Their talk is being stopped by wufan who enters the room and he is astounded with the present of his two friends there and he know this must be about yixing. They should know this and he know how are they feeling as he also know about this late.

“jongin kyungsoo, long time no see. How are you ?” wufan asks as he wants to shake hand with his friends but only jongin who shakes hand with him. “kyungsoo ?’

“stop acting nice hyung after what have you done to xingie-hyung.” Kyungsoo snarls directly as he gets on his feet. “ I wonder how can you still show up in front of yixing-hyung after you have left him without any plausible  reasons and the stupid reason that you told him was that you doesn’t love him anymore. And now you show up again ? why ?? to tell him that you are happy without him ??? you are happy with the new nurse ??!! ”

Wufan is glued to his feet and stand there expressionless like a statue. He never saw kyungsoo like this and he never know kyungsoo has this side of him. Maybe he is just too bad, and making other people to  angry and disappointed with him including the cute little kyungsoo that he has known for years has turned into someone fierce. Jongin pulls kyungsoo into a hug but kyungsoo releases himself from that.

 “ wait I haven’t done yet. listen here. No matter how much you hurt him, not even once that I ever heard from his mouth , that he blamed you wufan. not even once. What he said was, all the things that happened because of his fault and because he was being too jealous. He was still smiling and accept whatever you did." his eyes look glassy. "Do you know how many times I tried to stop him from waiting for you at the hospital ?? how many time I told him to stop waiting for you to have dinner with you cause you will never go back and also to stop calling you or texting cause you don’t even ing care about him !  And you, you yelled, you scolded him and you avoided him and you cheated with other guy and you even slapped him on your anniversary day ! ”

“soo we are at the hospital” luhan tries to stop kyungsoo.

“he always tried to hide the pain behind his smile but I can see clearly hyung, how much he was suffering. I can see it from his eyes and you made him suffer for two months ge before you left him alone. He watches you with other guy, hugging, holding hand and kissing other guy.” kyungsoo stops as he is trying to gulp down the sobs when he talks about his bestfriend who is always suffering because of wufan  “ he suffers for two months and now four months. How can you do that to him.” His tears fall. “ where are all the promises that you made?? “

Wufan didn’t say anything and he didn’t  try to fight cause everything that kyungsoo said is all correct not even single once is wrong and that make the tears of him to fall. Hearing to people who just stating one by one of what has he done to yixing breaks him inside out.  Now he know how bad he is, and how much has yixing suffered.

“you know I have been waiting for a long time for people to do this to me. To state one by one of my merciless act and to  say that I am stupid who just dumped his super lovely and nice boyfriend and thanks to you kyungsoo as you make me realize how bad am i. No I already know that , but when you said that, actually I am more than bad. I am cruel right. i am brutal, and vicious. He is so innocent but he is the one who has to suffer and now I don’t know what should I do. It has been two weeks since i met him again and I still dont know how to face him and i cant even look to his eyes.” wufan weeps. "its too painful and it is all my fault."

Yixing opens his eyes when he feels someone is holding his hands and that person is his best friend kyungsoo. He holds his best friend’s hand tight. “kyungsoo-ah.” He coos.

“xingie-hyung. I miss you you know. I am so worried about you.” kyungsoo looks to his best friend. Yixing is so pale and decrepit.

“I miss you too.” Yixing sits up from his bed with kyungsoo's help and leans to the headboard. He looks to kyungsoo. “im sorry”

Kyungsoo smiles though its hurt inside. “luhan has told me and jongin everything.”

“good then” he smiles weakly. “ can I asks you something kyungsoo.”

“anything ge”

“I want to eat your cook. I miss to eat your cook the most and I miss to laugh again with you” Yixing praises as he grins.

“you are so cheesy hyung”  kyungsoo grins widely.. It has been a long time since he laugh and chat with yixing. “anything for you hyung.” He burst into laugh but it is not a happy and joyful laugh. He tried to hold the sobs but he cant and tears escape from his eyes toegther with the laugh. The tears still want to escape from his eyes even he has tried his best to hold it and it's rolling down on his puffy cheeks. He looks down to hide the tears.

“don’t cry.” yixing says calmly as he knows kyungsoo is crying even he hides it and he knows kyungsoo is type of easy to break. “I am so happy and grateful to know you.” yixing takes kyungsoo's hand and holds it.

Kyungsoo nods and he wipes the tears that inundate his cheeks “ how am I going to be cool when my best friend that I always talk to, share my feeling, recipes and many more will go for forever, leaving me alone ? who is going to teach me how to cook Chinese dishes ?”

Yixing falls into silence as he himself don’t know how to answer that question. Maybe that question is better to be left unanswered cause he doesn’t want to promise anything.

July 22^nd

I met kyungsoo and jongin, my best friends

Kyungsoo cried.

hope jongin can sooth him and cool him down.

Since that, kyungsoo and jongin always come to hospital like for everyday. They will bring him his favorite foods and they will chat about many things. Kyungsoo and jongin has promised to themselves , that they will never talk about diseases nor death or anything related to that with yixing. they want yixing  to have a happy last time and they doesn’t want yixing to be always in sadness. They want yixing to be happy again.

-TBC-

p/s : thx for reading and i know it is not too angsty but i dont know what else can i do to make it better....im getting slower nowadays...too many sleep maybe =,=  so i dont know whether i can satisfy your heart with this or not... but please share your heart with me.k :DDD .... please leave a comments n luv u all bb  :D