what the was i thinking all this time.

kai - jongin - groans, shaking his head, his nails still digging on his flesh. the apartment was still far away, and yet he's already drenched like this. pathetic, he calls himself, the dancer who abandoned everything for his success. he hisses again, frustrated at his own stupidity. all these months. all these months, sehun has been waiting patiently for him.

if the roles were reversed, jongin would give up on the first week.

but he can't make the clock spin counterclockwise. he can't make the world to do what he wants. he can't make time turn back, and he can't fix his past mistakes, but jongin wishes he can.

he wishes kai would never exist.

he wishes that only kim jongin would exist, not his alter ego.

jongin feels disgusted with his own self - kai. he loathes himself for ignoring him and letting sehun wait like that. what the hell was he thinking anyway? all of this months, days, and hours. ignoring sehun like he's some kind of pest. sehun isn't the one responsible.

he is.

oh, how jongin yearns for those yesterdays.

jongin remembers the day when it all began to crumble apart.

both sehun and him passed the test with flying colors - but jongin was luckier. he was offered a scholarship to an art university in seoul, while sehun decided to go to study literature.

jongin never forgot the look of hurt, betrayal, and jealousy in sehun's eyes when he cheerfully announced the news to sehun.

but jongin was already morphing into kai. kai didn't care about the people surrounding him, because he thought so highly of himself. he forgot that most of the choreography for run & gun was done by sehun. sehun taught him the dance, until they both mastered it, and then sehun helped jongin to perfect it - jongin was only guided by him.

but kai didn't care.

this proves i'm a more better dancer than anyone, he would smirk and do a double piroutte flawlessly, alone in the dance room on ten o'clock in the night. this means i am better than anyone else.

but kai is wrong.

he doesn't know the hours sehun spent on dancing by himself, accompanied by the slow music on their apartment's garage, the way his body fluidly moves to the beat, the way sehun's face would be set in a grim determination - even though his hopes were crushed long ago, a long, long time ago.

kai doesn't know how much sehun has cried when jongin said that he was offered a scholarship - and how he immediately accepted it - because he can't help but to think that he's the worst dancer ever in this whole wide world. because he can't even beat the guy who danced to his own choreography.

both kai and jongin never knew.

kai really never knew.

he was always late, arriving at home - sometimes at ten o'clock in the night, sometimes eleven, sometimes one in the morning, or even five. all of that was caused by his stubbornness, his determination - but he never noticed sehun flinching slightly when kai plopped on the bed and slept without even stealing a glance at him.

kai encountered many friends at the university - there's zhang yixing, for instance, who was really pro, kai thought. he regarded him as his sunbaenim, but he secretly thinks that he was better than yixing. there's also xiumin, or kim minseok, who was really talented in both singing and dancing, but people always thought twice because of his plump body. kai could only scoff at the ones that underestimated xiumin.

there were always fun activities and projects in the university - choreographing, freestyle-dancing, modifying dances, all of them were fun for kai. he couldn't imagine sehun how sehun was coping with all of those essays the teachers gave him.

but sometimes on eleven o'clock in the night, kai just arrived from class, and sehun was fast asleep in his desk, his mouth hanging and ink staining his fingers, the essay finished and pristine.

jongin sometimes would appear, leaving kai raising his eyebrows and help sehun to bed, and shyly kiss sehun's lips.

sehun would always twitch, but a smile would always tug on his lips.

it's been thirty minutes but jongin still doesn't see his apartment.

he heaves another sigh, the rain still pouring down the streets. he curses himself for not bringing an umbrella. he knows that it's the rainy season but he decides to shrug it off. jongin breathes again, the sound of the rain numbed by the ballad he's hearing with his earphones. his hoodie was dampened long ago, soaked, even.

you selfish , he curses himself.

he looks at the clock tower, standing all mighty in front of him.

23:47

shaking his head in exasperation, he starts to run, not wanting to waste any more seconds.

kai is an insensitive - jongin admits it.

in the morning, sehun would always wake up earlier and clean up the bed, nudging kai to open his eyes. a little bit of jongin would be there with him - but once he was shook awake by sehun, kai would be there, erasing any trace of jongin's existence. he would gruffly say off and still sleep, sehun blinking, used by his actions.

he can remember sehun's sighs, the small footsteps he made, and the soft clicking of the door.

sehun would be gone by seven, leaving a warmed breakfast on the dining table and a home-made cafe latte just for him.

kai would get up drowsily on seven thirty in the morning, quickly shower, brush his hair, check his face on the mirror, put on his sneakers, and then go, leaving the breakfast untouched, and the cafe latte to grow cold on its own.

he doesn't know the pang of sadness sehun would feel after he sees the food in the evening.

sometimes, it was rage.

and he would shut up and leave for the basement, to let it all out.

to dance it all out.

jongin can't remember how long sehun didn't smile.

when they were at high school, sehun - sehun would always smile. jongin's mornings were always filled with sehun's greetings and smiles. sehun would never frown, sehun would never be neutral - sehun would always grin and say hi to jongin in the most cheerful way.

since jongin told him that he was offered a scholarship, jongin can't erase sehun's pained smile and his small, timid 'congratulations'. he can't erase the image from his mind, but kai decided to ignore it all.

jongin doesn't admit he has a double personality.

the rain still pounds hard, making him more drenched than earlier.

kai is still him - kai is jongin. jongin is kai. it was jongin's own fault that kai - he did this, it was his own fault that he left sehun like that. it was his own fault neglecting his own lover like that, for ignoring everything sehun did for him.

it was his own fault, not kai's. it was his own fault.

he can see the apartment building from the distance. sighing in relief, he runs to the nearest cover, the bus stop. he fumbles with his freezing, shaking hands - and pulls out his cellphone, which was covered in plastic.

there was 3 new messages from sehun, all from hours ago.

.

he types hastily to the phone.

to: sehun

god i'm so sorry i'm arriving in approx. 5 minutes pls don't be mad rain's drenching the whole street i'm freezing

jongin knows that the sorry wouldn't be able to repay his ignorance for all these months, but it was a start for him. it was a start for his apologizes. he knows sehun wasn't going to empathize his current situation, and jongin hopes for that.

little does he know, sehun didn't care.

sehun's mind was fuzzy, wrecked with memories, images, and small whispers - and he scowls, drinking another long gulp. the smell of alcohol reeks the whole place, empty bottles scattered throughout the room, room messy and

his phone lays forgotten on the couch, the screen still black.

whispers of i love you, i need you, you are my only one, i miss you, you're mine, and i'm yours wafted through his eardrums, him humming to himself. he twirls his fingers, traces invisible patterns in the air - to wash it all away, to erase it all away.

"lies, lies," sehun says airily, laughing at the whole stupidity, choking in his own tears. he continues to say the word, until it had no meaning, until it was only a three-lettered word for sehun.

"lies. it's all lies." he spits out, growling.

he laughs again, punching his fist to the ground, pain shocking his core, but he didn't care about that all, because it was more mild than the pain in his heart, the pain that he feels in his heart about kai. he can't forget his sobs when he knew kai was more successful than him, more talented than him - he felt that he was worthless, that he was pathetic.

he stops pounding his fists.

another long glup, and his mind was clouded again, clouded from all the pain and heartbreaks. he was numb, he can't feel anything, he can't think of anything - excpet how he yearns for those yesterdays, for those yesterdays which only contains happiness and sweet memories. he yearns for those timid caresses and soft breathing - his lips clashing into jongin's, their fingers intertwined.

not like now.

not now.

the rain drenches jongin's whole body, and it made the guard in front of the apartment building crinkle his eyes in disgust, half awake and half asleep. but jongin only can scoff at him, the sound of sloshy footsteps ringing through the whole lobby. he holds the key to the apartment tightly - he hopes sehun would be okay. jongin frowns too, because sehun hasn't replied to his text messages.

sehun was the one that was eager to send him text messages.

shaking his head, thinking that maybe he's asleep, jongin rushed to the lift, punching the number 29. he shivers, the freezing air inside the lift only making him more cold.

he looks at his own reflection.

dirtied, pathetic, worn out.

he sighs.

the lift abruptly stops, the little ding it made making jongin yelp. the lift opens, and he cautiously walks out from it, searching for their room. the more he nears it, the more anxious he becomes - but jongin still goes on, for sehun.

he unlocks the door and clasps his hand tightly around the handle.

he could hear sobs, cries, glass shattering. he could smell the reeking alcohol.

his eyes widened in realization.

no. no. no.