sehun can hear muffled footsteps from the outside, the hesitation clearly in the shadow itself. he scoffs, burying his own head in his lap, tears falling freely, as if he cannot control it, the tears continuing to cascade down without his own accord.

there is a soft click, and sehun looks up, chugging another bottle. his own lips are chapped because of the lack of water. he can hear someone gasping and dropping his whole belonging to the floor, but he laughs, and looks at the man. that man was the that made all of it break apart, for all of it to fade away, as if their memories never happened (as if it never existed).

sehun smiles painfully.

"hi, jongin. kai. whatever."

jongin feels as if his heart is stabbed.

he takes in the surrounding around him, pitch black, the moonlight gently lighting up the room. there were shadows of bottles strewn over the room - some drained, some still full, some half full (or half empty). and even what he sees is true, jongin can't believe his own eyes.

"s-sehun? what are you drinking?"

sehun cackles, pointing his shaking fingers at jongin, smiling painfully. "w-what do you think, kai? you bought these . what do you think it is, ? water? tea? coffee? are you really that idiotic?" he asks, sneering. "it's alcohol, if you're so ing dumb."

sehun, sehun, sehun

"speak up, you mothering bastard."

jongin looks at sehun, whose eyes were sunken, dried tears covering his cheeks, hair messy, clumped. his clothes are wet with excessive alcohol, and he is barefooted, leaving sehun to look so vulnerable, so-

"you look weak." he blurts out.

jongin widens his eyes in realization, as he clamps his hands on his mouth, he breathes in and out, as he recognizes the one that spoke. it was not jongin, of course (jongin would never say that to anyone).

it's kai.

"you're finally back, kai." sehun chuckles, grabbing another bottle. he is only about to open it when jongin grabs hold of the bottle and -

he smashes it on the floor, right in front of sehun. jongin is terrified, he is shaking (so hard), his breaths was erratic, uncontrolled. his mouth closes and opens repeatedly, as if sehun's action made jongin speechless.

sehun only looks at him blankly.

"why did you do that?" sehun whimpers unknowingly, backing off slowly from jongin, his voice little and timid. "w-why did you stop me from ruining myself, kai? who are you? where is the real kai?"

jongin can only stay still, staying in his spot. his locks his eyes with sehun's, his own widened because of unbelieving, sehun's wide with fear. jongin and kai are the same person. me and kai is the same, me and jongin is the same, there is only one person in here. what the hell happened to him. what would make him think that way. what, what -

jongin gulps hesitantly. "i," he chokes, "i am kai. i am kim jongin."

silence.

"kim jongin vanished, in case you didn't know."

and in that moment, jongin can feel everything shatter away - his memories, his thoughts, his whole life just shatters away, leaving him numb, unfeeling, leaving him confused. he can hear the dull laugh sehun's voice let out, as if he was mocking him, ridiculing him for being so stupid.

"what do you mean by," kai asks, helpless, "me vanishing?"

"oh shut up, you're not jongin." sehun snaps suddenly, throwing a bottle cap at jongin, hard. "he was replaced by you. kai. kai the ."

what am i talking about-

sehun stands up abruptly, locking the door and-

jongin backs off, seeing sehun stomping to him. no what what is happening no no no - 

the first blow is weak, but it sends jongin staggering to the ground, sehun crouching on top of his body, both of their breathing labored. jongin looks as if he was going to burst out and cry, but he only lets out a choked sob, slowly gripping sehun's arm. sehun freezes, looking straight at jongin's eyes. jongin grips his arms even harder, sobbing.

"sehun," he croaks. "sehun, who am i?"

sehun doesn't reply.

"who am i? kim jongin? kai? both? or neither? who am i really? i don't even know who am i. what happened, sehun? what happened to me? what happened to us?"

jongin continues to sob, letting go of his grip on sehun. he can't bring himself to look at sehun, because he himself was the one who made sehun do all of this. he was the cause, - his ignorance, his arrogance, him himself.  sehun has tried his best to just make jongin look at him, but jongin brushed it off. sehun had tried his best to make kai notice him, kai, kai, kai, jongin -

"want to know what happened?" sehun grits his teeth. "you ed up. that's all."

when jongin only continues to sob, he snarls.

"oh, don't sob like a weakless person there, kai. you made me cry, you made me jealous of you, you made me wonder why i fell in love with you, but you didn't show any ing remorse, you piece of . and now you're crying? , it's too late for that. it's too late to just beg to me to even accept you anymore."

"what-" jongin breathes quietly, "what do you mean that you've-"

"i've let y- you go a long t-time ago kai," sehun says in a small voice, words slurred. "and n-now, it's time that you let me go."

jongin gasps as he scrambles off to get up - no no no no no this can't be happening sehun has never let me go - he lets his tears go out again, and sehun only can grimace, looking at jongin, kai, whoever he was - this man in front of him was not the real one he met years ago.

"i- i was envious of you. y-you were successful, while i'm just a-an untalented piece of trash. you know what my writing for class is all about? how i'm lonely without you. how this r-relationship is maybe just one-sided. h-how you treat me as if i was nothing. how i feel when you i-ignore my efforts to make you come back to me. are you really that blind? or did you never really care for me?"

"sehun, i- i- i still love you-"

"i've prepared breakfast for you every morning, hoping that you'll eat it, but instead you go to starbucks with yixing and taemin! i'm brokenhearted, kai! i was crushed! i thought you didn't love me anymore!" sehun cries. "that's why i've let you go! but now, jongin came back! do you know how much i'm torn?! i want to be free, but you kept me here! do you even know how much i've cried? how much i've screamed into the night?"

sehun pulls his hair in frustration, looking at anything beside jongin. he can't afford to look at the crouching, sobbing, weak kai - jongin, he reminds himself - because the kai he knew is never weak. he'll just brush it off as if it was nothing.

"and the answer to your question, who am i? i don't know. i don't ing know. with kim jongin and kai running around me, i don't even know who's the real one. one who is gentle, sweet and caring, and one who's so immersed in his dancing passion, that he even forgot the existence of his own lover." 

"that's why," jongin explains desperately. "that's why i need you, sehun. i need you to help me find myself -"

"shut up." sehun hisses. "shut up."

"but," jongin questions hopelessly, "but why?"

"and be hurt by you again?" sehun laughs drunkenly. "forget it, jongin. forget it."

"i swear," jongin pleads. "i swear i'll never hurt you again, it'll never happen again - you do believe me, do you, sehun? i was so immersed in my own life, i admit, i didn't stop to look and care for you. i swear it'll never happen again, okay? sehun! please! i beg you! please! i need you, sehun! what would i do without you?! what would i become?!"

"you - you would do fine by yourself, jongin. look at the all the days you've disappeared with all of your friends - for a camping trip - without me. are you really that ashamed of me, jongin? am i really that untalented? untalented enough for you to not invite me to baekhyun's and chanyeol's camping trip?!"

"i was an idiotic back then -"

sehun laughs, shaking his head. "you've always b-been an idiotic ."

sehun looks at everywhere but jongin.

"sehun," jongin calls, after a few moments of silence. "am i always like that? am i always an idiotic ?"

"a few years ago, when i first met you," sehun recalls, sighing, "you weren't."

"please then," jongin begs, standing up, wobbling. "that's why, i need you to help myself find kim jongin. the one who you met years ago. the one that you bumped into while going to dance class. don't you miss him? don't you - "

"YOU'RE ACTING AS IF ISN'T YOU!" sehun roars, pointing his fingers in accusation at jongin. "YOU'RE ACTING AS IF KIM JONGIN AND KAI IS TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE YOU? YOU WERE THE ONE THAT BEGAN ALL OF THIS ING PROBLEM! I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE!"

"WELL DEAL WITH IT YOU TARD! I SAID I'M SORRY, OKAY?! I WAS WRONG, I WAS SELFISH, I WAS AN ! I GET IT!"

it is the second time that kai resurfaced again, and sehun feels weak. he feels like he was a tiny person compared to him. his vision is still swarmed with colors and jagged lines, and yet he can see jongin perfectly. kai can only breathe raggedly, glaring at sehun. he can feel the anger bubbling up in his heart, but in just seconds, all of it faded away.

"i'm sorry," jongin apologizes, looking at sehun with desperation, with longing. "i said i'm sorry."

sehun keeps being quiet for a moment, and jongin can feel the silence suffocating him. he misses all the moments were sehun would ridicule and mock him (jokingly), and they would just laugh at each other's silly mistakes, they would just accept their own flaws, because they know that they are flawed.

jongin could feel hope when sehun opens his mouth but -

"it's not going to work. never again. not now, not later, never. never, jongin."

"but -"

"i'm s-scared of you," sehun slurs, turning his back at jongin. "how can i love you when i'm scared of you? you don't know , jongin."

silence.

"we're done. jongin. we're done."

slam.

"okay," jongin lets out numbly. "okay."