Because you died, I live.  And every waking moment since you were gone, I wonder to myself why I’m not with you yet.

Alone in this savage world, I will drink to drown the lump in my throat.  I will drink to the memory of you, I will drink to the memory of the person you knew, I will drink to the memories of us.  If there’s anything I can be glad for, it’s that the time we spent together will forever be preserved in the vacuum of the past.  They are the only things left untainted, and they are all I have to hold onto.

Lacking you, my life has gone back to being one big hangover; I stagger around, unable to process anything, the world I exist in a blur of meaninglessness.  Mostly, I drift in and out of consciousness.  Sometimes I open my eyes and start panicking – just like you having an asthma attack – because I don’t know who I am anymore.

Since you were gone, I’ve been losing myself every day, like there’s no limit to how lost I can get, and every single time I think I’ve found a wisp of my essence, it vanishes too fast for me to catch.

You know something, Kyungsoo?  Tequila has never tasted more sweet, and nicotine more soothing.

I remember the first time I stumbled upon you, quite literally, at the roof top of Angel’s Haven.  A glowing cigarette dangled between those luscious lips of yours, and you never noticed the embers falling into your lap.  ‘Tequila Nights’ – that’s the name of the painting you were working on at that time, isn’t it?

I remember being so determined to get drunker than I was that I swallowed the glass of tequila awaiting you, then choking because I wasn’t used to the bitterness.  I asked you in slurred tones why the hell you would want to drink this, and only now I realise: you never answered me.

So today, I wonder again why you were so addicted to tequila.  I let the burning liquid scorch my throat, and I think that maybe, just maybe, I understand a little.

Kyungsoo… I will live for you.