Why Are You Making Me Feel Like This?

What am I doing?

Who am I?

Why do you constantly make me feel this way?

I ask myself all these questions, alone in my room. I stare at the picture of you and me in my cell phone. Everything about you confuses me. Your beautiful red hair. Your eye-smile. Your bubbly and optimistic personality. Your loud voice. Everything.

I really don't understand what is wrong with me. I have always felt like this, but lately this weird feeling on my chest has gotten worst. Okay first things first, let me introduce myself.

My name is Jessica Jung. I'm 24 years old. I work as a chief editor for a fashion magazine on the weekdays and on the weekends I teach English at a prep school. I have a 19 year old younger sister, Krystal Jung. My family is pretty privileged. My father is a chairman in one of the most prestigious universities in South Korea and my mother is a well-known lawyer. I actually have a degree in business management, but I chose to work in the fashion industry instead. Please don't ask me why. I'm not a genius or anything like that, at least I don't think I am. I graduated high school with first honors for my year. I was able to get into Seoul National University at a full scholarship, not that I needed a scholarship to pay for my tuition fees, but whatever. I was also top of my class at university.

Okay what else is there about me? What was I talking about anyway?

Oh yeah, HER.

All right so back to my problem. I have a close circle of friends. Kim Taeyeon, Lee Soonkyu, Kwon Yuri, Choi Sooyoung, Kim Hyoyeon, Seo Juhyun and my cousin, Im Yoona. They're my close friends, but my best friend is none other than, Hwang Miyoung. She's the most important person in my life. Tiffany, Miyoung, never fails to make me smile or feel better when I'm down. She's definitely someone I would never want to leave my life. However, lately I've been getting this weird feeling whenever I'm around her. Okay maybe not lately, but recently I start feeling really weird around her.

I don't know how I am suppose to describe this feeling. It's not weird in a bad way. Just thinking about her makes me smile. But it's also weird in an awkward way. I find it harder to talk to her lately.

I've never been one to really care about my uality, but I'm pretty sure I am not a homoual. I've dated plenty of guys before and I have never ever thought about being in a relationship with a girl. But Tiffany gives me this feeling that no guys has ever made me feel. I always want to protect her and make sure she is happy, even if the end result is painful for me. As long as Tiffany is happy I will gladly do whatever it takes.

Well I guess telling you my story starting from the beginning would make more sense.

"Im Yoona! Jung Soojung!! Come out!!" I screamed, hoping to find my cousin and younger sister. We were playing a game of tag, but then those kids decided to trick me and hide. It's almost 7 at night now and we were suppose to be home about 15 minutes ago.

"Aish.. those kids. When I find them I will clobber them" I muttered to myself. I stomped my foot and walked around the park in the bitter autumn cold.

Suddenly I hear rustling in the bushes. I quietly walked to the the bushes.

"Found you!!" I shouted.

"AHHH" I heard a girl scream.

That doesn't sound like either Yoona or Krystal.

"Hm? Who are you?" I asked the girl, still grabbing onto her shoulder.

"H-Hwang.. M-Miyoung. But you can c-call me, Tiffany." She stuttered. From the sound of her pronunciation of some korean words she, most likely, is a foreigner.

"Tiffany?" I murmured.

The girl nodded and then slowly made eye contact with me. "C-Can you l-let go of your hand?"

"Huh?" I thought to myself and then realized that I was still gripping onto her.

"Sorry. I'm Jessica by the way." I introduced myself.

"N-Nice to meet you. Jessica-ssi" The girl politely bowed to me. I sighed and then scratched the back of my head. I started inspecting Tiffany. She had mid-length brunette hair with bangs that were 3/4 parted to the right. She wore a pretty pink dress and pink sneakers. The girl probably noticed I was inspecting her because I saw her playing with her fingers shyly. I smiled at the adorable sight.

She's pretty cute. What was I doing again?

I cross my arms and pout, trying to remember what I was doing before I met Tiffany.

"Oh crap!! Yah!! Im Yoona! Jung SooJung!! You two better come out this instant!" I yelled. I saw Tiffany flinch from my voice.

"Sorry. I'm trying to find my annoying cousin and irritating younger sister. Have you seen two girls who look somewhat alike? One is a 7 years old and few centimeters shorter than me so maybe 115 cm. The other one is 4 and around 102 cm. They're both wearing white tank tops and shorts and they have long brown hair. The older one has doe like eyes while the younger one always looks.. uhm.. angry I guess." I asked Tiffany and gave descriptions of those 2 brats in hopes of finding them and teaching them a lesson.

"Hm... Have I seen those girls?" Tiffany cutely pondered, trying recall if she saw those brats.

"Oh yeah! I think I saw them by the slides. I'll take you there!" She gave me a cute eye-smile and held my hand. I merely nodded and looked away to hide my blush as I felt myself getting dragged by the girl.

Once we got there I saw Yoona and Krystal on the floor. I was about to give them a piece of my mind, but then I noticed Krystal was on the floor crying and Yoona was trying to calm her down.

"What happened?" I let go of Tiffany's hand and crouched on the floor. My younger sister had scraped her knee and she was bleeding a little.

"Soojung was running and then she fell." Yoona told me.

"Aish.. this is why I told you two to not run around so much." I sighed. I couldn't even feel angry right now. I was just worried for my baby sister.

"Soojung-Ah.. does it hurt?" I calmly asked my baby sister.

"I-It does.. Unnie." Krystal cried and rubbed her eyes cutely. I smiled a little. After all if she had energy to cry she should be fine.

"C'mon Soojung. Get on my back. I'll piggyback you home." Krystal nodded and got on my back.

"Is she okay?" Tiffany asked me while inspecting Krystal's wound.

"She's fine. Thank you for helping me by the way." I thanked the girl.

"You're welcome. I can go with you if you want. I'm sure you would want someone to hold onto Yoona." She told me.

"Oh thanks. But wouldn't your family be worried?" I asked. I wouldn't want her to be in trouble for helping me.

"It's fine. We don't live that far from each other." She chuckled, making me raise my eyebrow.

"Sica Unnie.. She's our new next door neighbor" Yoona whispered into my ear.

"What?!"

I saw Tiffany chuckling even more.

"Unnie, I met her this morning. You were too busy sleeping." Yoona explained.

"Oh..." I answered.

The four of us make our way home. Once we got to my front door I thanked Tiffany one last time.

"I'll see you around." She told me and walked to her house next door. I watched as she safely got into her home and then I took out my keys to open my front door. Yoona and I were prepared to get scolded big time. We were almost an hour and a half late to get home.

"Jung Sooyeon! Im Yoona! Do you two know how late it is?! Especially you Sooyeon! You're the oldest! You should be the most responsible. And als- wait Soojung!! Oh my gosh!! Are you hurt?!" My mom screamed and then carried my younger sister to get her a bandaid.

"I blame you Yoona" I whispered.

"Yah! Unnie not fair!" Yoona whispered back.

Both Yoona and I got in trouble. But it wasn't that bad. Plus that was the day I first met Tiffany.

Although Tiffany and I have been neighbors for about 3 years now, we never really had a real conversation. At school she was quiet and shy while I hanged out with my group of friends. Even though we've never really spoken with each other, I felt a connection to her.

During class I would always look at her to see what she's doing instead of paying attention. Creepy, I know. But hey it's not my fault she's so cute! After 3 years of what I call "investigating", but my friends call "stalking", I learned a lot about Tiffany. She loves to sing, she is obsessed with the color pink. Her best subjects are English and World History. She's bad at math, Korean and science.

Then one day during lunch I noticed 3 girls gathering around someone in the school's yard. I quietly walked up to them to hear what they were saying.

"You're a real freak you know that? You always wear pink and you're always by yourself." One girl said.

"Yeah and what's with your terrible accent?" Another one mocked the girl.

"You are Korean right? Why are you so terrible at your native language? You're also bad at respecting our culture." The third one added.

"I-I'm sorry" I heard the girl say. When I heard that I quickly realized who it was. I clenched my fist and was getting ready to beat the crap out of these bullies.

"Ugly girls like you make me sick" The first girl scoffed and pulled Tiffany's hair.

"Ow!!" Tiffany cried out in pain.

That's it!

I grabbed the girl's arm tightly until she winced in pain.

"Who the he- Jessica?!" They screamed in shock.

"You three talk so high and mighty about culture. I didn't know bullying was part of our culture. People like you three.. make me sick." I glared at them and they cowered in fear.

"Leave. You three aren't even worth my time. If I see you losers bothering Tiffany ever again. I won't be as nice as this time." I threatened them then I let go of the girl's arm and saw her obvious bruise.

Those 3 bullies quickly ran back to the school.

"Are you okay?" I asked Tiffany.

I was surprised when she suddenly pulled me into a hug.

"T-Thank You" She murmured into my ear.

"Y-You're welcome" I replied.

After that day I made Tiffany stay by my side. The two of us would either eat with my friends or alone with each other. It didn't matter to me as long as I got to spend time with Tiffany.

Tiffany was finally able to become more open to people. She was still closest to me though, not that I minded at all. She had this effect on me. I don't know how to describe it. All I know is I want to always make sure she smiles.

Once we got to high school we became even closer. It got to the point that the school started spreading a rumor that we were dating. It was around this time that I started feeling something weird for Tiffany.

I don't know how to describe it.

"Jessi- Ah!! Seobang~ Open your mouth. I want to feed you." She cooed and I shyly opened my mouth to eat her kimbap.

"You're so cute Jessi" Tiffany giggled and kissed my cheek. I looked away to hide my obvious blush, but not just that. I felt like my heart was pounding. She laid her head on my shoulder and continued to try and feed me.

What is this feeling?

Lately, whenever I'm around Tiffany, I've been feeling really strange. I want to always have her in my arms. I want to be the only person she ever goes to. I want her to only care about me.

It's not like I think about her in a erted way. I don't dream of doing weird things to her. Oh god no, none of those indecent things. But I don't know. I can barely look at her in the eye now. Sometimes I pretend to be not feeling well just so I wouldn't have to talk.

The thing that frustrates me the most is Tiffany does these things to me so casually, She always holds my hand, kisses my cheek, feeds me, hugs me, lay on my shoulder. Sometimes we would even share a bed and sleep together.

I really just want these feelings to go away. It really hurts feeling like this. I don't want to be away from Tiffany, but that seems like the only option I have, Tiffany can do all these things to me and act like it's normal.

"Jessi.. why are you so quiet? Do you not like the food that your wifey made for you?" Tiffany whined and pouted cutely at me.

"I-I'm not feeling.. well" I lied.

"Oh?" She reached out her hand and touched my forehead.

"You don't seem to have a fever. But you should rest a little, okay? I wouldn't want my Jessi to be sick" She tells me.

Right after she says that I get that feeling again. I feel my heart beating erratically again and her smile just can't leave my mind.

What is happening to me?

"What are you two? A couple?" Yuri asked us.

That's impossible. I told myself. I know that would never happen. Tiffany is definitely into guys. I subconsciously sighed. Why do I feel this when I told myself Tiffany is straight? Is this hurt? Jealousy? I don't know what it is. I just want these feelings to stop.

"Don't be jealous just because my Jessi and I are so cute together." Tiffany stuck her tongue at Yuri.

'My Jessi' Hearing those two words put together in a sentence just made me feel something. Happy? Am I happy that I have deluded myself into thinking Tiffany always wants me by her side? Why do you do this to me Tiffany?

"Y-Yeah. You're such a dork Yuri. You don't see me asking you and Yoona that question." I responded.

"Even Yuri and I aren't that intimate Sica Unnie." Yoona says to defend Yuri.

"I could kiss Tiffany right now and not feel a thing." I stated, but the truth is I, myself, had no idea. I would love to say I know I wouldn't feel anything. But lately whenever I see Tiffany's lips I feel attracted to her.

"E-Excuse me" I walked away from my friends and walked to the bathroom. When I made sure no one else was in the room I locked myself into a stall and held onto the pain I've been feeling in my chest. This feeling suffocates me. I feel like I'm being choked or drowning. No matter what I do I can't get a breath of air.

"What is wrong with me?" I hugged my knees and cried.

Tiffany and I are working on our group project for our chemistry project. These feelings still occur every once in a while. I've been feeling more troubled and confused by it. I've done all that I could to keep our relationship normal and to figure out my own feelings.

Bad idea.

I did research and tried to see what are signs that I am in love with someone. I've dated plenty of guys before, but I never felt like this with any of them. Of course there is some attraction to them, but whenever I'm with Tiffany I feel something much stronger. Kissing guys gives me little to no feeling, but just holding Tiffany's hand can make me experience that weird uncomfortable feeling.

The weirdest part is these feelings are so on and off. Some days I feel absolutely nothing for Tiffany, but on other days I feel like I would die without her. I want to hate her for making me feel like this.

"Are you done with finding all the pH levels Tiff?" I asked her.

"Almost done Jess" She smiles at me, making me feel hot.

Damn it.

Suddenly I hear the glass shatter.

"Ow!" Tiffany cries out in pain.

"Tiff!" I saw the acid has spilled on her hand. Acting on instinct, I grabbed her and quickly rinsed her hand thoroughly with hot water and added a lot of liquid soap, hoping to raise the pH level of the acid upon contact.

When she stopped feeling pain I dried her hand.

"Just sit down. I'll do the experiment." I ordered her. I didn't want her to get hurt again. The moment I saw her get hurt I felt a pain on my chest.

"Jessi it's fine. I feel better. The pH level wasn't that dangerous. It only stings a little." She told me and smiled.

"No Tiff. I'll do the experiment. Especially because this one involves a much more dangerous pH level." I replied.

Suddenly I felt someone wrap their arms around me from behind. I could feel Tiffany's head on my shoulder and she tightened her grip.

"Jessi.. why are you so perfect? You're smart, caring, beautiful, talented, and flawless." She murmured.

The two of us stayed in this position. I'm glad Tiffany could not see how red I was right now or feel how fast my heartbeat is. Because I feel like my heart would jump out of my chest any moment. A selfish side of me lit up. I wanted to stay like this forever. I didn't want anyone else to ever see this side of Tiffany. The cute, caring and worrisome side.

"I'm not perfect Tiff" I said.

"You are Jessi. To me you're the most amazing person in the world." She whispered.

Hearing that practically made my heart stop. I remembered all those information I researched online and started questioning myself again.

W-What is wrong with me? I feel like I'm going crazy.

"Jessi I wish you were a boy sometimes, then maybe we could be a couple for real" She tells me.

What is this feeling?

I heard light snoring from behind and realized that she had fallen asleep. I laughed quietly and lifted her up to put on my bed. After I tucked her in I went back to finishing the project. I was able to finish the whole assignment at around 2 in the morning.

I quietly got into the covers and was about to drift off to sleep when I suddenly felt Tiffany snuggle closer to me.

I turned around to look at the younger girl. She always looked beautiful, but if anyone was ever lucky enough to see her up close, they would die from her radiance.

I pulled her closer and tightened my hug. I feel that same sharp pain again. It's a weird pain that I hate, but love at the same time.

What am I getting myself into?

I started busying myself with random work from my parents after that night. I did not pay much attention to Tiffany. The other night I was working on my history paper. The whole time I was typing the report I just felt my stomach growling. Suddenly I received a text from Tiffany. I looked at my caller ID and see I put her into my contacts with a ';\' emoticon because that's honestly how I feel about her. I don't understand how I feel about her.

Tiff ;\

- Jess! I hope I'm not disturbing you >< I have something to tell you!

I looked at her message and thought before replying.

- I'm not that busy. What is it?

Tiff ;\

- First promise that you won't get mad.

I looked at her reply and immediately felt that something was wrong.

- Aish just tell me.

Tiff ;\

- I have a boyfriend.

I read her last message and my eyes widen. I felt the same pain in my chest again. I felt as though I had no air. I stared at the message again and wondered how I should respond.

Tiff ;\

- Are you mad at me? >_<

I sighed and tried to reply to her text. My hand was shaking the whole time I tried to type.

- No. And congratulations.

I turned off my phone and stared at my history essay.

"Unnie!! Time for dinner" Krystal said while knocking on my door. A few moments ago I was famished, but after texting Tiffany I felt my appetite disappear.

I felt nothing.

I was in the middle of a conversation with Yoona and Yuri until I saw Tiffany come up, with someone behind her too.

He was a tall boy with a good built. Short blondish hair and baby faced. As soon as I saw him I felt that same feeling I got whenever Tiffany was with a guy.

"Hi!!" The two of them walk up to me.

"Hi Unnie.. sorry I really have to get to my next class. I'll talk to you later!" Yoona said.

"I'll come with you Yoongie!!" Yuri excitedly says.

Before Yoona could refuse Yuri had already pushed Yoona out the room.

"Hey Jessi" Tiffany greeted me wit the usual eye smile.

"H-Hi Tiff" I weakly responded.

"Jessi this is my boyfriend, Nichkhun. Nichkhun, this is my best friend Jessica" Tiffany introduced us to each other. The moment I heard the word boyfriend, I felt something like a stab to my chest.

I don't understand. I feel hurt but nothing is wrong with me. I feel like I want to cry. What is this? Hurt? Jealousy? I don't understand. I opened my mouth to try and talk, but my voice wasn't coming out. It was like I felt a lump growing on my throat, blocking all my words. I see how happy the two are and I look away. I can't describe this feeling at all. I just know that it hurts.

"C-congrats Tiff" That was really all I could think of saying. This pain was even worse than when I read her text message. It was completely indescribable. I felt like I just wanted to disappear.

"Thanks Jessi!" Tiffany smiles and hugs me.

I wanted to hug her back, but I was still too dumbfounded. The pain in my chest refused to leave.

"I love you so much Jessi." She murmurs and kisses my cheek. Normally I would feel happy and warm because of her actions. Now, all I feel is pain and agony. Her kiss was bittersweet. It made my heart beat as usual, but it also made me feel that pain. I feel like I'm dying. I can't breath and I can't feel anything. Why does she do these things to me if she doesn't love me?

Stop it, please. It kills me that you do these things to me, but it would kill me more if I lose you. I want to hate you, but I can't.

Why are you making me feel this way?

Now here I am. 24 year old Jessica Jung. Still single and living everyday in pain. I turn on my laptop and see that my desktop picture is also of me and her. Just seeing her still has this strange effect on me. I still get these on and off feelings that I cannot understand.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in love with her, other times I feel absolutely nothing.

She is the one that makes me happy, but hurt.

She makes me laugh and cry.

I hear a knock on my door, interrupting my thoughts.

"Sica Unnie. You have a letter" Krystal tells me.

"Thanks Soojung. I'll open it later."

"It's from Tiffany Unnie."

"... thanks"

I opened my mail and saw a card.

Inside the card, in big bold letters.

You, Jessica Jung, are cordially invited to attend the wedding of Tiffany Hwang Miyoung and Nichkhun Horvejkul.

I stared at the letter and read it over and over, hoping I was reading it incorrectly.

"Sica Unnie?" Krystal looked at me with a worried expression.

Of all the feelings I have ever felt because of you, Tiffany, this is the worst. I feel absolutely nothing but pain. Why are you doing this to me? You're having a happy life with Nichkhun while I spend every second of every day questioning myself because of you.

I want this feeling to stop. I'm tired of constantly feeling like this.

If I'm not in love with you then whatever. If I am then I just want to make sure so I can end this. I'd rather live in pain knowing why I feel like this than spend my whole life questioning myself.

I really have had enough. I'm tired of all this.

What am I doing? That's a good question. I really don't even know anymore.

Who am I? That's the simplest question you can ask someone. But if anyone asks me that I would have no idea. Other than my name what else is there to describe me? The world sees me as this perfect girl born into a lucky life, but I just think of myself as the world's most confused and naive girl.

Why do you constantly make me feel this way? Yeah, why do you do this? Are you aware of how tortured I am because of you so you do this? Do you secretly hate me?

You make me glad to have found such an amazing friend like you, but at the same time you make me wish I never met you.

If you never felt this way towards me why did you always act like that to me? What did you mean you said that you wished I was a guy? Are you saying we would have a chance to be more than friends if I was born a guy?

Did you ever feel anything for me?

I have all these questions that will probably left unanswered. The only one I want to know is dependent on me. I have to figure it out myself.