My name is Kim Jongdae.
My best friends call me Jongdae.
My boyfriend calls me whatever he wants to.
☆
When I was eight, photography caught my attention because of my mother. She told she used to be a photographer but had to quit becuase she became too busy to travel and fulfill her needs to take so many pictures of the world.
I would always wonder, What's so good about photography? Anybody could do it.
As I grew up, I realized it wasn't that easy. A photographer had to take the perfect picture. It had to have just enough lighting, but at the same time, just enough dimness. It couldn't be too blurry, too clear.
Every picture had to tell a story.
☆
"Happy birthday, Jongdae!" one of my close friends, Tao, shouted. His familiar smile tugged at his thin lips. I smiled back at him.
"Thank you." I hugged him as he placed a wrapped present into my arms. "Is this mine?" I asked, completely caught off guard because even though it was my birthday, I hadn't been expecting a present. In the corner of my eye, I saw my mother smile to herself as she was cutting the birthday cake.
Tao laughed and patted my hair. "Yes, silly! Luhan hyung brought you a gift too, but I don't know where he is." As if waiting for a cue, we heard the front door open and a slim boy with brown hair dashed in the house, heading towards us.
"Sorry, I'm so late!" he apologized immediatly, bowing to me. "Hello Mrs. Kim!" he grinned and bowed to her as well. I paused, letting my mother greet him back, before laughing at his actions.
"Hyung, it's okay." I smiled.
"Yayayayaya! You have to open my present~~ I think you'll love it!" Luhan gently took Tao's present out of my arms and replaced it with his. Tao's eyes widened.
"Yah! Hyung, open mine first! I was not late," he smirked, slinging his arm around Luhan when he pouted.
"Tao has a point," I said, sticking my tongue out at Luhan. He smiled anyways and sighed. I set Luhan's present on the table, picking up Tao's. I weighed it in my hand, shook the box a little, then decided to unwrap it. I slowly pried the bright blue wrapping paper off. When I finished, I gasped. In my hand was a camera. Not a small digital camera, but a black Canon Camera.
I was stunned. "H-how? You . . . . you didn't have to, Tao." He simply shook his head.
"I know how much you love photography and you never had a camera your whole life because you have a single mother and even with two jobs, she could never buy this. So I figured, why not?"
I felt my eyes pricking with tears, but I blinked, hoping I wouldn't cry. "Thank you so much." I removed the camera out of its box carefully, so carefully. The black surface refelected in the light as I held it in my hand.
It's beautiful.
"G-Guys, let's take a first picture together, then I'll open Luhan's gift, okay?" I smiled at my two friends. They eagerly nodded. Luhan and Tao stood behind me, both of them smiling as Tao bent down and pressed his cheek agaisnt mine. Luhan changed positions and decided to put his chin on top of my head. I held the camera up high and grinned at the device.
Click!
☆
"So, uhm, tonight? I'll meet you at your house . . . .six-thirty? Then we'll walk to the amusement park," I said nervously, rubbing my neck. Minseok nodded through his amused grin.
"Sure. Don't be so nervous either, Chennie. Lighten up a little." He pinched my cheeks lightly. His assuring words made me less nervous already.
"Woah~ Look at the view!" Minseok's eyes bugged out of his eyes as he peered down from the top of the ferris wheel. The lights from down below were bright enough to give us a fairly moderate enough light. I saw Minseok's angelic face; looking like a child with his dark eyes staring down at the world below us. The lights made his eyes twinkle softly.
I chuckled quietly. "It's beautiful." I also peered down, seeing flashes of brights color everywhere on the ground. "The sky is pretty, too." I told him, nudging him lightly to snap him out of his trance. He tilted his head up, smiling when he saw the pink sky painted with orange and smudged with purple. I didn't say anything, only simply watched this beautiful man for several minutes as he gazed with pure amazement at the sky's colors.
This man was mine. My love.
"Minseok hyung," I called his name serenly. He looked at me immediatly, his head tilting to the side slightly.
"Yes?"
I grabbed his small hand before I leaned in to plant my lips on his. He gasped at the sudden contact, but soon melted into my touch.
Click!
Minseok pulled away quickly. "Yah! Did you take a picture of me?!" He was blushing madly.
I shook my head and couldn't help but laugh at his embarrassment. "No, I took a picture of us. Of us kissing." I made a kissy face with my lips and winked at him, teasing him. His mouth hung open, probably from embarrassment. His chubby cheeks weren't red now, but bright bright pink.
Click!
"Did you just take another picture?!" he exclaimed, slapping my hand that was holding the camera. I laughed, putting the camera back around my neck.
"And if I did?" I asked, kissing his cheek. Even in his flustered state, he smiled slighty and shook his head. I reached for his hand, holding it once again. Our fingers laced together perfectly.
He leaned his head on my shoulder, peering off at the distance. A gentle breeze fluttered around us, swooshing our hair around a little. We felt the ferris wheel slowly moving back down.
"I love you, Jongdae," he mumbled, squeezing my hand firmly.
☆
"Are you sure this is a good idea, Tao?" Minseok asked the younger, biting his lip as he looked down at his too-revealing, cute maid outfit.
Tao smirked, "Of course! It'll be hilarious," he assured with a wave of his hands. He snatched the caramel colored wig out of Luhan's hands and steadily placed it on Minseok. "Now go!" he shoved Minseok forward. The older glared at Tao before hesitantly shufflling towards the front of the crowded cafe. He passed by his boyfriend.
Jongdae was also wearing a smirk. A y smirk. He flashed a thumbs up at Minseok. "Dance for me, doll," he cooed, slapping Minseok's firmly. He laughed while holding up his camera in front of his face, reminding Minseok that Tao, Luhan, and Jongdae would never leave him alone about this possibly until he was dead.
"Why am I dating Jongdae anyways? Why am I friends with Tao and Luhan, again?" Minseok sighed to himself.
Oh well. He just needed to get this done with. A dare was a dare.
He cleared his throat and strolled up to the very front of the cafe, purposefully flicking his hair behind his shoulder and adding some bounce to his step. "Everyone!" he shouted, waving his arms to get the customers' attention. Sure enough, it worked. He blinked, staring out at the crowd, seeing Tao and Jongdae still smirking. Luhan was hiding his smile with his hands.
"My name is Minnie," he began with confidence. "I'm here to dance andI need a volunteer," He spotted a teenage boy about around Jongdae's age, fourteen or fiftenn, and strut over to him. "Hey~" He dragged the panicked boy up to the front. The poor boy was a lot taller than Minseok was. He looked around one-hundred-eighty centimeters. Minseok was a bit forceful as he plopped the boy down on the counter.
Long story short, Minseok gave the innocent and unwilling boy a slow, sensual . He felt the boy's through the fabric of his maid dress, but he continued anyways. He heard some people whistling, most likely Luhan and Tao, which only encouraged his lewd actions. The audience was a mix between clapping and laughing or scowling --
Click!
"Dance for me, doll!" he heard a certain someone shout from the back of the cafe.
The four boys got kicked out of the cafe ten minutes later.
☆
I woke up, whacking my alarm clock mercilessly. Groaning, I stood up slowly, stretching my arms. I shuffled to the window and opened the curtains, squinting when sunlight poured in my dark room.
Today is our six month anniversary.
A large grin suddenly found its place on my face. I quickly got dressed in black skinny jeans and a plain white vneck tshirt and headed to the bathroom to freshen up before the big day.
"Bye, umma! I'm heading out! I'll be back tonight okay? Take care of yourself," I told her, leaning down to kiss her forehead. She smiled warmly, her eyes crinkling.
"Bye, Jongdae. Have fun with Minseok today." She patted my cheek lightly. I nodded and opened the door then shut it.
After politely greeting Minseok's father, I headed upstairs to Minseok's room. I had been here so much that I could navigate myself around with my eyes shut. Minseok's father had told me that his son was still sleeping.
Gripping the bouquet and the the pastel orange box in the hands, slightly nervous, I opened Minseok's door a crack. I smiled when I saw him curled up in a tight ball, the blanket wrapped tightly around his small body. The blanket rose up and down slowly. I almost felt bad for waking him becasue he was so peaceful. He was an angel.
"Baozi..." I called his nickname softly. I sat on his bed and shook him gently. He still didn't stir. I forgot that the older was a heavy sleeper. "Xiumin," I called him in the Chinese name that Luhan had given him, shaking him once again. When he didn't react any way, I took my chance. I set down the box and flowers on the drawer beside his bed. I removed my camera from around my neck, making sure to remove the cap silently. I stood up in front of the sleeping boy, zooming the camera so that it would focus on his face.
Click!
After taking the picture, I noticed that a stray piece of hair had fallen on Minseok's forehead. I brought my hand up to his face to brush it out of the way so I could take another picture. Instead, he finally he woke up, groaning quietly and swatting at my hand. Then, he opened one of his round eyes to peer at me. "Chennie," he greeted. His voice was slightly scratchy. I smiled.
"Good morning, my angel."
He flushed, covering his cheeks with the blanket. "Come lay with me," he said sleepily from under the blanket. At first, I didn't understand him and I frowned. He sighed and just pulled me down by my wrist. I chuckled and laid down next to him. I felt him lock his hands around my neck with his face buried in my neck. I let myself lay down in his embrace, wrapping my arms around his waist.
"Why are you here so early?" he asked after a few minutes of peaceful silence.
"Is it wrong to visit you?" I teased. Since we were laying so close with our chests touching, I felt his heart pounding at a rapid rate.
"Well, kind of. Especially if it's at seven in the morning," he joked, kissing my nose. I laughed at his words.
"Be glad I got you some steam buns along the way here. And I got you some flowers."
He frowned. "Why the flowers?"
I supressed a giggle. Of course he wouldn't remember.
"Today's our six month anniversary," I informed him, pulling him closer to me and inhaling his scent deeply.
"Omo! That's right!" he suddenly laughed and I enjoyed the sound of it in the air.
☆
I let myself into Jongdae's house because, well, I was welcomed here anyday, anytime. I sighed, running a hand through my damp stringy hair. It was a cold day with the wind whipping through the leaves of trees and slinging raindrops against the window. I took my shoes off on a mat and gazed around me. Jongdae's mother wasn't home. She had been working extra hard lately. I wondered where Jongdae was. He had said that he, Tao, and Luhan were home. It was quiet in his house. I frowned and listened. After listening, I heard almost inaudible whispers in the kitchen and decided to go investigate.
Tiptoeing, I headed towards the kitchen and paused outside, leaning agaisnt the wall.
Maybe I shouldn't be eavsdropping. This might not be my buisness.
However, my curiousity got the better of me. I listened carefully to their conversation which I could tell had become more intense.
"You haven't heard from the doctor yet?"
"No."
"Is that why your mother is working so hard? So she can pay off the bills?"
Silence
"Jongdae-"
"Hyung you need to tell us. We're your best friends, we--" The voice cracked at the end and I heard some sniffling.
"What about Minseok, hm? Are you going to tell him?" There was a demanding tone in the male's voice.
Tell me what?
"The less he knows, the better. Besides it's not even official yet."
S i le n ce
What don't you want to tell me, Kim Jongdae?
☆
For their one year anniversary, Jongdae and Minseok went stargazing. They both lied down in the grass, the bright moonlight pouring its soft light on the couple. They laughed as Minseok said he saw Luhan's face in the shaped of the stars.
"You know I love you. A lot. I'm glad I still have you," Jongdae muttered, playing with the soft locks of hair of his boyfriend. Minseok smiled and nodded.
"I love you, too. You'll love me forever right?" he questioned. He knew the answer already, but Jongdae could hear the worry and doubt in his voice.
Jongdae chuckled and gave Minseok a quick peck on his lips. "Yes. As long as there are stars in the sky, I will love you."
Minseok laughed cheerfully with a cute scrunch of his nose. "Omo, you're cheesy." He lightly slapped Jongdae's shoulder.
This only caused the younger to wink. "You're the one who asked, hyung."
"We have to take a picture to remember this night." Minseok suggested, pulling Jongdae's camera off from around his neck. Jongdae beamed.
"How did you read my mind?" he asked the older, poking his cheek. Minseok smiled back before pressing the side of his head against Jongdae's.
"1, 2, 3."
Click!
Minseok wanted to make a heart too, so Jongdae obeyed; arching his hand over his head and his boyfriend doing the same.
Click!
☆
"Can I change in your room?" I asked the younger as he entered the hallway, my hand already resting on his room doorknob. His eyes widened while his cheeks turned pink before he pushed me away from his door. I stumbled back, but caught myself. I felt anger boiling inside me.
"No no no. You can change in the bathroom, hyung!" he exclaimed, grabbing my wrist and roughly yanked me towards the bathroom.
"Stop it!" I snapped at him. "Why can't I go in your room anyways? The whole time we've been dating, I've never been in your room. What's the big deal?" I growled and yanked my wrist out of his grip.
Jongdae pressed his lips together tightly. "You'll see it one day, hyung. Just not today."
☆
"Today is Minseok and Jongdae gege's two year anniversary," I reminded Luhan in our native tongue as both of us sprawled lazily on the couch watching television. His eyes still trained to the screen, he grinned and nodded.
"Yeah, I'm glad for them that they made it this long. They're so cute," the older said. I nodded and turned my attention to the screen. "You and Kris are cute too, Panda," he complimented, turning his head slightly to look at me. I felt my face heat up.
"T-thank you," I mumbled, making him laugh softly.
We sat in peaceful silence, the only noise was the television. "What do you think they're doing?" I wondered a loud.
Luhan rose an eyebrow. "They did rent a hotel and Jongdae said they'd be back tomorrow morning."
Another long silence filled the air.
We both locked gazes, our heads flooded with dirty thoughts of what our two friends could be doing. Pink dotted both of our cheeks as we awkwardly laughed.
"Nah." we chimed in unison.
☆
Bzzzzzt
Bzzzzzt
Bzzzzzt
"Hello?"
There was some shuffling on the other end of the line before Luhan spoke. "Minseok hyung." His voice sounded weary and empty, which surprised me because I had never heard Luhan like this before.
"Yes?"
"Jongdae's sick with a fever and he said for you to stay there. He doesn't want you to get sick, too."
I frowned. "I'm his boyfriend, shouldn't I come over and take care of him?"
"No, it's alright. Tao and I are here and Mrs. Kim is going to be home soon," he informed me in a rather commanding tone.
My frown deepened as I heard Jongdae having a violent coughing fit in the background. "Are you sure? I'm not busy right now, so I could come over." There was some mumbling that sounded like the words were strained.
"He said to stay there."
"Are you really sure, Luhan? I can c-"
Luhan groaned in annoyance, making him sound even more weary. "Dammit, Minseok! Yes! I'm sure!" he snapped. I felt my heart drop.
"O-Okay then . . . take care-"
Without warning, Luhan hung up.
☆
One month passed slowly. Jongdae was still really sick and I was starting to really worry. Who has a fever for a month? Was that even natural? And why hasn't Mrs. Kim sent Jongdae to the doctors to be checked yet?
Everytime I called his cell phone to see if maybe I could talk to him and ask if I could come visit him, either Luhan or Tao alwyas picked up and said the same thing each time.
"He said to stay there."
I expected these words everytime I called, but still I would ask and ask. One time, Mrs. Kim even picked up and after I asked if I could visit her son, she sighed, sounding exhausted.
"Wait a little longer for him to get better. Then you can visit him, okay Minseok?"
I was starting to loose my patience. And I really missed Jongdae.
☆
Three weeks.
Three
ing
weeks.
I was really loosing my patience. I was just barely hanging on a thread. Nobody, nobody has a "fever" for three weeks. I tried to visit Jongdae a few times, only to find that the blinds were shut and the door was locked. I knew people were home because I heard coughing and voices inside, but no one would answer the door. Eventually, I gave up and walked away, growling and huffing to my self.
To pass time, I decided to go walk on the streets, maybe check out some shops. I wanted to get Jongdae something, just a small knicknack to help him get better. I peered around the busy streets, zipping my jacket up more so that it covered my mouth as well since it had gotten chilly and windy lately. I prowled the shops for the perfect gift, that is....until I spotted a very tall slim male with jet black hair swiftly moving around people. I narrowed my eyes and recognized it as Tao.
What was he doing here if Jongdae was sick?
Deciding to follow him and see where he was going, I pulled my hood over my head and it was easy to hide myself amongst the crowd because of my small size. However, it was difficult to keep up with his fast walking/half-jog pace because he had those stupid long legs that I didn't have.
Tao entered a small photo shop that I remembered was the shop that Jongdae would go to so often to print pictures. I entered after him, making sure to go to the other side of the shop so he would not spot me. I pretended to browse the cameras as I watched Tao pull out Jongdae's black Canon camera. He turned his back to me for a few minutes.
When he turned back around, I noticed a handful of freshly printed pictures in his hand. He slowly flipped through each one, seeming to loose himself in each of the images. He froze on one certain picture, his panda eyes watering. His tears dripped ontu the picture and I fought the strong urge to run and comfort my friend. He sniffed and wiped his eyes, now silently weeping to the point where his shoulders shook with each sob.
All of a sudden, a very tall male (taller than Tao even) with short spiked dyed red hair rushed into the shop, panting loudly. He spotted Tao crying and ran to him. Tao literally threw himself on the other man. He buried his face in this man's neck.
I found myself wondering who this man was, but I recalled that Tao once said he had a boyfriend named Kris.
Kris, well I assumed it was Kris, spoke up. He had a deep booming voice that sounded like it shook the whole shop. "Tao, don't ever go rushing off like that again," he scolded Tao with no menacing tone behind it. Tao mumbled something, snuggling closer to Kris with tears still bright in his eyes.
"I know you're worried. Jongdae's getting better though, okay?" Even from my distance, I could tell it was a lie. A ing lie. Tao looked up at Kris again, his voice rising in anger as he said something else.
"He's strong! He can make it through!" a determined Kris exclaimed. Tao sobbed loudly and buried his head in Kris's neck again, shaking his head furiously.
"Tao...." He shook Tao's shoulders. "Huang Zitao." He kissed Tao's forehead.
Tao slowly looked up with his feline eyes full of pain. I noticed that his usual dark rings around his eyes were even darker than usual. "You need to be strong. Look at Minseok! He doesn't even know what's going on. How do you think he feels?"
My heart slammed against my ribcage.
What was going on?
Tao made a wailing noise and showed Kris a picture in his hand before saying something I couldn't quite understand, no matter how hard I listened. Kris's expression softened. He wrapped his long arms around Tao's shaking body.
"Oh, Tao," he mumbled quietly as the two embraced each other in a tight hug.
☆
Four weeks after the incident with Kris and Tao at the photo shop, I got a call. I checked the caller ID before I answered.
Chen Chen
My heart sped up and I smiled to myself. "Hello?~" I sang happily, glad he finally called. However, it was not Jongdae. It was Luhan.
"Minseok," he sounded worn out. Hollow and lifeless.
"Luhan, are you okay? What about Tao?" I asked right away, genuinely worried for my friends' health.
He paused. "Yeah sure." It was a lie. "You can come visit Jongdae."
My eyes widened. "Omo! Really?!" I couldn't believe it! Finally, after more than a month, he was giving me permission to visit my boyfriend again.
"Yes."
"Right now?" I asked eagerly.
"R-right now." His voice was shaking. "S-see y-you." He hung up. I shrugged and stood up to leave.
I stood in front of Jongdae's house, the curtains drawn and the door locked as usual. I knocked once, then twice. I was smiling like crazy, probably looking like the creepy rapper of EXO-K, Chanyeol.
On the third knock, Tao opened the door a crack and when he saw it was me, he opened it wider.
Huang Zitao looked awful with his dark eyes and pale skin. He looked exhausted. His hair was a mess and his cheeks were hollow. Behind him, Xiao Lu popped up, looking even worse.
"Hey," I greeted my friends. Luhan flashed a weak smile that didn't reach his eyes, while Tao just turned back around. I frowned at his unfriendly action.
"You came to visit Jongdae?" Tao piped up quietly.
"Yeah." I smiled to myself. Luhan pressed his lips together, making me wonder when the last time he smiled was.
"He'll be happy," Tao whispered. I cocked my head.
What was going on?
I followed Tao as he lead me to a room, Luhan trailing behind us. Tao hesitated before knocking on the door. Some mumbling was heard and Tao proceeded to twist the doorknob.
"Chen-"
I gasped. Luhan and Tao had to hold me up so that I didn't collapse. Laying in a bed, covered in two or three blankets, was a very skinny (too skinny), very pale, very ill Jongdae. His hair lost it's shine, looking thinned out. His eyes were dull, no light twinkled in them.
My
beautiful
Kim
Jongdae.
Where was he?
I felt tears pricking my eyes. I already knew Tao and Luhan were crying because I felt the tears plopping on my arm. "What...what is this?!" I shouted at Luhan and Tao, roughly yanking myself out of their hold. I was shaking violently. "Wh-wh-what is this?! Is this why you haven't told m-me anythi-ng-ng?!" I demanded furiously. I don't know what got into me all of a sudden.
"Why didn't you tell me, Xiao Lu?! Huang Zitao?! Did I not deserve to know?!" I shouted again, my voice breaking at the end as tears spilled down my face. Luhan looked down at the floor.
"Am I not important?!" I screeched. "He is the love of my life! I should have known!" I screamed, turning to face the wall. I clenched my fist tightly and slammed it against the wall. There was a deep hole. "I-"
"Minseok."
I knew that voice. Even if he was weak and ill, I knew it. My body knew it. My soul knew it.
I whirled around, tears still streaming down my face. "Jongdae," I whimpered. My fists unclenched.
"It's my fault." he whispered, barely audible. "I didn't want them to tell you because you'd react like this." I gulped a wail down.
"Don't speak," I begged. "It...hurts to hear you struggle to talk." I whispered, crying again.
Jongdae only weakly smiled. "I need to tell you everything though. I need to explain," his breathing quickened. I decided to go stand beside him, my legs feeling like jello. I bit my lip and nodded slowly.
"Please remember this, it's not Tao or Luhan's fault," he breathed out. I nodded only because if I spoke I'd cry. he reached his hand out from under the blanket. I grabbed it and laced our fingers together. His hand. It was cold. Ice cold. I felt my body shake as I cried again.
"Don't cry." he said warmly. I nodded again and wiped my eyes with the back of my hands. "I was diagnosed with leukemia, but even with my mother and Luhan working two jobs everyday, we couldn't afford the chemotherapy or any medical help. It's okay though." I shook my head.
It's not okay.
"I made everyone keep this a secret from you because you were the last person I wanted to make sad. You were always smiling. I didn't want to see that smile disappear. I'm fighting, but-" Jongdae lowered his voice.
"I am loosing this battle. I'll be gone soon." I tightened my grip on our hands. "I've been bleeding, feeling confused a lot, and even lost my appetite. My body refuses to accept anything into it anymore." I bit my lip, my eyes clouding with tears. "Remember me when I'm gone."
☆
I visited Jongdae everyday now, keeping him company and helping taking care of him. Sometimes he talked and smiled, other days he was too exhausted and slept all day. He was getting worse everyday.
Every night Tao would have to wake me up because he said I was screaming and sweating in my sleep from nightmares.
☆
Two weeks after I found out Jongdae had leukemia, he passed away at 2:19 a.m. It was Tao's shift to watch him and he had come running into the kitchen, where I was making some soup for us. His eyes were wide, so wide that they looked like they were going to pop right out of the socket.
"He's not breathing."
Sure enough, we had lost him. Luhan and Mrs. Kim were home within ten minutes, probably breaking several traffic laws in order to do so. The four of us mourned together. We had lost a son, a best friend, a lover. He would be missed.
Next week, thanks to Kris, we managed to hold a small funeral for Kim Jongdae. The four of us cried the whole night. A few of Jongdae's classmates and teachers came to his funeral. My family also came to his funeral.
It was my turn to give a speech and honestly, I didn't come up with anything due to a long night spent crying, so I decided to wing it.
"I lost my best friend. I lost my lover. Kim Jongdae was more than happy. He was always positive. Always perfect. So today, I'm here to talk about what made him happy; photography. He loved taking pictures. In fact, he probably has more than a hundred photos of Luhan or Tao. He...I.....I'm sorry I can't speak anymore."
My voice cracked. I remember holding his cold icy hands. This only made me sob harder. I cried into my mother's arms, feeling lost and empty without my Jongdae's familiar laughter and warm smile. Tao walked up to the microphone, Luhan right behind him.
"I lost a brother--"
He broke down, falling to the ground on his knees and sobbing. Kris ran up to the mic, hugging his boyfriend and dragging them away.
"Don't cry, Tao. That's not what Jongdae would want."
Luhan spoke these words with pride, but his voice slightly wavered. He opened his mouth again but shut it and covered his face with his two hands as he cried. He struggled for minutes to control his rapid breathing. When Luhan uncovered his face, his eyes were brimmed with crimson red. His mouth slowly creaked open, he leaned towards the mic.
"Kim Minseok. Did you know he loved you more than he loved himself? He told us once that you were his angel. Now, Jongdae is your angel, right?"
☆
"Here, Minseok." Luhan handed me a folded up note. His eyes were blood red and he had lost some weight.
"What's this?" I asked, slowly taking it.
Luhan's eyes flashed with pain, biting his lip. "A note. Jongdae wrote everyone a note before he passed away. Tao, Mrs. Kim, and I have already read ours. It's your turn." He turned quickly and fled, hugging his arms tight around himself.
I was scared. Scared to read this note.
I unfolded the note and Jongdae's too familiar writing filled my eyes. Nostalgia twisted my stomach.
My angel.
I made Luhan promise to give your note out after I passed away. Hopefully he kept the promise.
I wrote this note to tell you that you shouldn't cry while I'm gone. I'll be watching you. I'll protect you and guide you. Don't be lonely. Don't feel sad. You need to smile. I love your smile. Smile. Smile for me, angel.
Sorry I left you so early. I wasn't strong enough to fight. My family wasn't rich enough to afford medical help. I'm sorry. Sorry I hurt you by leaving. I'm so very sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I'm sorry for being the cause of your tears.
While I'm gone, stay there. Stay and live the years I couldn't. Find someone else for you. I want you to find someone that can make you smile again. I promise, you will not be replacing me. I will always be in your heart. You will be in mine.
You may enter my room now. The key to my room is in my basement, on the shelf where all my old cameras are.
I will love you as long as there are stars in the sky. Remember this. Remember me. Remember us.
xoxo,
Jongdae
I was sobbing so hard that I couldn't breathe anymore.
☆
I retrieved the key.
I was standing outside Jongdae's room, gripping the key in my closed palm. I had been standing in front of the door for ten minutes now. I don't know why I was so afraid to open a door. I'd done it so much, why was it difficult now?
After contemplating for a few additional minutes, I brought my shaking hand to the key hole and unlocked it slowly, so so slowly. At first, I didn't push the door open. Then, his words in the letter echoed in my mind.
You may enter my room now.
With watery eyes, I entered the room I had never even seen a glimpse of in the three years that I was dating Jongdae. Now, I understood why he was so embarrassed to show me his room. On the walls, were just pictures. Dozens and dozens of pictures. There were so many that the walls just looked like a huge collage.
As I got closer, I realized all these pictures, all these pictures were of me or the both of us together. I saw one that he had took of me while I was sleeping. One photo was us kissing at a carnival, the sunset sky visible in the background. Another one of us in the bright shining moonlight. There was one of me, dressed in a cute pink maid outfit, an obvious blush on my face. A photo of me carrying Jongdae on my back. Another one taken on a windy day, because my hair and scarf were whipping around in the photo, and I realized how good of a photographer he was. The shot was perfect and he managed to capture enough light in the picture, the sunlight shining off one side of my face and body, while my other side of was engulfed in shadows of the tree branch hanging over me.
I looked around some more at his work. More of me. Pictures of me smiling, frowning, laughing, eating, confused, you name it. He had it. All of them were perfect.
Kim Jongdae was a nineteen year old photographer. A photographer that had no one to photograph, so he chose me as his model.
☆
I stayed in Jongdae's room until about midnight, then I started getting dizzy from all the memories.
I need fresh air.
I left his house and laid in the yard, peering up at the night sky, wondering if Jongdae was watching me right now. My eyes pricked with tears, causing me to blink furiously so I didn't cry.
I will love you as long as there are stars in the sky.
My angel.
I looked up to the night sky. Tonight, the stars looked like dazzling diamonds, each one twinkling brightly.
As long as there are stars in the sky, I will love you.
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