Don't Say Goodbye.

 

You've given me your one last adios but, why do I still wanna believe? I don't know why I'm missing you. Goodbye. Don't say goodbye.

     

     "I'm leaving tomorrow at 12. I know you won't be able to send me off because you'll be busy with Seohyun, but that's fine. Hongki, Geun Suk oppa, and Shi Yoon oppa will be there anyway." She smied at me crookedly. I watched as her tears formed in her eyes.

     "Dont cry." I wiped the tears that had already fallen from her eyes. "I'll call you everyday and make sure you're alright."

     "You're busy. You don't need to do such a thing. Anyway, I still have a lot of packing to do. Packing for four years is hard, y'know?" She smiled lightly at me. "I guess this is goodbye. I"ll see you in four years, Bolmae-Jung." Shinhye tucked her hair behind her ears and started toward the door. 

     "Wait." I grabbed her wrist and pulled my best friend into hug while caressing her hair. "I'm sorry I won't be there to send you off tomorrow. Good luck in school and contact me often, okay? If you feel like you're worthless out there, give me a call." Why did I feel like this was goodbye forever? It was just four years. I have other people. I felt like crying, but I never actually cried for her, not even after her car accident.

    "Don't be sorry. You have a llife too. I'll leave first then. I"ll call you when I arrive in America."

    "I'll miss you." 

     Shinhye didn't utter another word to me, and just waved and walked out the door after a bow.

     That night Hongki texted me.

Lee Hongki: You're not sending her off tomorrow? Are you crazy?

Bolmae-Jung/Yong: I'm meeting with Seohyun tomorrow at that time. I don't see what big of a dal sending her off is.

Lee Hongki: Are you kidding youself? Sending off your best friend who you won't see in four years isn't a big deal?

Bolmae-Jung/Yong: It's not like I've lost contact.

Lee Hongki: Do you not know how hurt she was when you told her you were meeting with Seohyun at the exact time she'd be meeting us at the airport?

Bolmae-Jung/Yong: Why would she be hurt? She's such a strong girl.

Lee Hongki: I guess in these four years you've never realized she had feelings for you. You never realized it because you were so blind to your love with Seohyun. Did you ever think she became invisible because of you?

Bolmae-Jung/Yong: What are you talking about? Shinhye would no way on earth have feelings for me.

Lee Hongki: Jung Yonghwa, you're kidding youself. Shinhye has made herself so invisible to you so she doesn't interfere with your "perfect life". You two were the closest of us four, but after you started dating Seohyun, she becamde closer with me and hyung. Shinhye sees you as  a man. Not as that chiled we knew befre. She likes you, and everyone knows that BUT you. So is it so meaningless not to send off your best friend who you won't see for four years?

Bolmae-Jung/Yong: It isn't.

Lee Hongki: I expect to see you tomorrow. Don't make Geun Suk and Shi Yoon hyung yell at you. It's scary when they do ;n;

     Park Shinhye....likes..me?

Do I wanna believe you think the same, I am missing you.

     Shinhye likes me? She made herself invisible just so she wouldn't get in the way of my relationship? Why didn't she just tell me? I mean, I'd probably say I don't feel the same in the first place, but why'd she have to keep it a secret? Why did she let herself suffer day by day, watching me date another girl that wasn't her. I couldn't sleep that night. I called her for face time. 

     She picked up and was wiping tears. "Were you crying yourself to sleep?" Was this because of me..?

      "I wasn't. Why'd you call?"

      "Can't sleep. I have a lot on my mind." I shrugged. 

      "Would it be wrong if I asked what was on your mind?" Shinhye asked in a small voice.

     "It's not really a what. More like a who." 

     "Who? Seohyun?" She bought up Seohyun so much. I thought it was just because she supported us, but now I realized that when she talks about Seohyun her feelings are so much more. It isnt support, it's hurt.

     "No. You."

     "Why me? Shouldn't your girlfriend always be on your mind?" She forced out a laugh.

     "Why didn't you tell me?" I finally said.

     "Tell you what?" She said cluelessly.

     "That you liked me. That you felt invisible around me when you and I were wih Seohyun. That you felt like you didn't exist when I'm with you because I'm always talking about Seohyun. Why didn't you talk to me about that?"

     "I'm guessing Hongki told you that? Look, it's getting late. I have a flight tomorrow and I should sleep."

     "Don't avoid my question. Tell me why you felt like that?"

      "Because I know that if I confessed to you, you wouldn't feel the same. I'm invisible because I don't want to get in the way of your life. I don't exist because you have someone else's love, and I supported it. I'm living an unrequited love, that's it. That's how it works, don't worry about it. 4 years from now, when I come back, you'll probably be married to Seohyun, probably have kids, with no memory of me whatsoever. I'll have a fiancee, boyfriend, husband, whatever. Don't worry about me. I'm fine." She says she's fine but she's not.

     "Were you crying because I can't send you off tomorrow?" 

     "I'm crying because you choose not to send me off tomorrow. I'm crying because you put your girlfriend before your best friend. I'm crying because tomorrow is your last oppourtunity to see me for the next four years, but you're spending it with your girlfriend who you see everyday. I'm crying because I'm completely worthless to you. That's why I'm crying. I'm going to sleep. Night." Shinhye hung up immediately. 

     Did she really think she was worthless? She means the world to me. She's my best friend. Do I not show her that enough? Am I really that blind to love that I've started to neglect my own best friend?
     Worthless. That word just felt like I've been killed a thousand times. She feels worthless around me. Not someone else, but me. Park Shinhye, you aren't worth nothing. You are worth as much as you've smiled in a lifetime. You're worth my time, I just don't seem to give you that time. Have I really neglected you that much to make you feel worthless? If you're worth nothing, then why are there people by your side everyday to cheer you on? Is it because I'm not always there? Is it because you love me but I don't know that? Does it hurt you that I put my girlfriend before my best friend? Well listen. If you and Seohyun were both drowning, and I could only save one, I'd save you. Because you mean so much more to me than you think you do. I've spent four amazing years as your best friend, by your side, watching you smile and laugh, watching you cry when you were having a hard time. Comforting you. And now I have to spend four years without protecting you. You're out there, in a foreign place, without me to protect you.
    

Please don't think that you're worthless. You mean the world to me.